I had an emotional breakdown last night. I had not slept in 2 days and it all just got to me. I was laying on my bathroom floor crying so hard I could not see or breathe, clutching about 20 sleeping pills in my hand. I could have done it. I could have swallowed them. But I chose to call my therapist instead. I finally got some sleep last night, but the depression still lingers. I relapsed with self harm. Cut my leg up pretty bad. My psychiatrist wants me in treatment, but I can't afford it. I almost went to the psych hospital last night, but stayed with my parents instead.
I feel so...lost. I feel so unsteady, unstable, unlike me. I am glad that I am still here, and not hooked up to tubes in the hospital, or worse....dead.
But right now, death seems like the only escape.
Oh yeah...I got my period. Which has my eating disorder telling me that I have not been starving myself enough. And I see my dietitian on Friday, and when she weighs me she is going to think that I have been stuffing my face because I always gain 3-4lbs of water weight on my period. I have failed myself.
keep your head up. I am so glad you called your therapist. I have been in this position, and it is so hard, but you made the right choice. Are you religious? I know Mercy Ministries has a free program that you can apply for. (For anyone under 24) and it is long-term treatment, 6-7 months.
ReplyDeleteYou havent failed yourself. Failing would have been taking those pills.
Maybe you need to go back to IP....get "away" from it all? There is a great Place in South Florida (not Renfrew but we have one too)
ReplyDeleteMilestones in Recovery.
I was exactly where you were about a month ago. I didn't think I needed the help or even really feel like I wanted it. I wanted to die.
ReplyDeleteYou have not failed yourself. You have given yourself proof that you are worth living.