deep breath

Therapy today, was hard. I revealed something that I have never told anyone before (pertaining to the abuse). I've had it in my memory for months now, but have fought tooth and nail to push it aside. But it has kept popping up. So, I told her, I told my therapist. No details. She asked if I wanted to tell her more about it. I shook my head violently. "That's okay", she said. "Maybe next time". I took a deep breath. Yes, maybe next time. I cannot go backwards now. It's out there. I guess the only way to go now is forwards. I'm glad my therapist is understanding, gentle, and letting me deal with it at my own pace.

It's very difficult to talk about these things with people who have not been through sexual abuse. I don't expect anyone who has not been through it to understand, but I get so frustrated when people say things such as, "Just move on, it's in the past". It's really not that simple. Yes, moving on is what I need to do. But it's not as easy and looking back for one last time and then...it's over and done. Maybe some things are like that, easy to walk away from, or not requiring such effort, time, and hard work. But this is different. I have walked away and moved on from various troubles and bad experiences in my life. Yes, it was hard and took effort. But when something like this happens to you, when someone sexually violates your body, without your consent, without you having any power or control, with you being a CHILD. It's going to take some fucking time. And especially when you didn't talk about it for 10 fucking years, like I did. When I blocked so much of it out, that even today I still do not have all the pieces.

It is painful, terrifying, and so amazingly confusing. To remember something. To put together the pieces that have been broken for so long. Memories are not repressed for no reason. I blocked them out because it was too damn much at the time. Piecing it all back together is a process. This whole healing journey is a process. I have come a long way. There was a time when I had no emotion what-so-over towards what had been done to me. But my emotions have evolved. I've gone from numb to...scared, sad, confused, and now angry. It's a process. If I have learned anything...it's a process.

Sometimes I wish I could tell certain people in my life (family, friends) what happened. I wish I could tell them every intimate detail. But is that necessary? Probably not. I wonder if it would make them understand. Am I bad person for thinking that? At the same time, I want my family and friends to know nothing about it. It's too much for me, so it must be too much for them.

My eyelids are heavy now. Not only due to my sleeping medication, but from the exhaustion this day has brought. Tomorrow is a new day.

fly free

I want this tattooed on my shoulder.

labels

I hate labels. I really do. I used to feel the opposite. I used to feel like I needed a label to make me someone worthwhile. Truthfully, sometimes I still do. But I'm getting better.

Today I had to go to the doctor, because I have been a hot mess with cough, sore throat, etc. Turns out I have a virus and an upper respiratory infection. But that's not the point of this post. While the nurse was taking my vitals, she entered the information into a computer. So on the screen I could see my chart. I could see all my "diagnoses". It was sort of embarrassing. I didn't want the nurse seeing all my problems. I wanted to press the delete button. I didn't want the nurse or the doctor to look at me and see..."Depression, Anxiety Disorder, Eating disorder, History of sexual abuse, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder"

Because...that's not who I am. I don't want anybody to look at me and have that be all they see.

For the longest time, and still sometimes today, I have not been able to look past those labels. If they were stripped away, who would be underneath? Anyone? Anything? Am I just a shell? A body that is hollow inside? I really don't think I am. I have passions, talents, family, friends, goals, and dreams. But I have allowed my problems over the years to become my identity.

I HAVE to make myself see more than issues, problems, faults, etc. I want to make other people see more than that. Sometimes when I meet someone new, I just want to erase all of that. Make up someone who I'm not. In truth, I am a stronger, better, wiser person because of those "labels". But hey, there is so, so much more to me than that.

before it breaks

sickness

I keep spiking low grade fevers, and then they go away. My whole head is congested. I can't really hear. My nose is runny. My throat is sore and scratchy. My voice sounds like a man. My chest hurts. It's rainy outside so therefore my joints are achy. I feel like hell, and today I have to work both my jobs.

This is day 3 of this. It's getting worse not better. I have consumed so much hot tea, Tylenol, and Sudafed. Now I'm taking Delsym (the grape kind) because of my cough.

Needless to say, I feel yucky.

motivator

I feel pretty sick, and am not really up for writing at the moment, but I'm going to anyway because I have something I need to get out.

Have you ever had a person or friend in your life that has challenged you? In a positive way? Who has challenged the way you live, the way you do things, how you act, what you do with your feelings? I've never really had that, at least not before these past couple of months. There's a certain someone in my life, who I will not mention by name (you know who you are). This person has rocked my world, in more ways than one. I have always known what I need to change about my life, what is unhealthy and destructive. Sometimes I've even known what I needed to do to change. But I've never felt I HAD to change, never had a real motivation. Of course the motivation can only ultimately come from within, but sometimes you need someone to kick you in the ass to get you going (which literally has happened, jokingly of course).

This person points out my flaws, which I don't mind, because I know what they are too. But he is helping me see and learn how to turn those negative emotions into something better, something more. He's helped me tap into my creative side, inspired me to start writing again. He has challenged my fear. Fear has always been a huge part of my life, and prevented me from doing so much. Well, now I'm learning to tell fear to shut the fuck up. Fight the lizard brain. It's about time, right?

I have had so many meaningful and enlightening conversations with this person, who I have come to consider a great friend. This person has been so beneficial to me and my life, and I am so grateful. He's probably laughing reading this, because he thinks it's cheesy. But it's all true.
Something else that sticks out in my mind is how much I have struggled with loneliness for so long, but since meeting this person...I cannot remember the last time I felt lonely. And it's not just about having a real friend in my life, it's about having someone who gets you, who wants to see you thrive. It's an awesome feeling.

He shared something with me the other day. I keep thinking about it, saying it to myself.

“Surrender is the opposite of giving up. It is freeing yourself from the desire to be in control, letting go of how you think things should be. Surrender is freedom. Surrender means to love without limits. Holding on to past patterns and grievances only limits the possibilities. Let go. Surrender whatever limits you. Face whatever you are resisting. Through your willingness to walk in the dark forest, insights and revelations will naturally emerge"

Repressed

"When you have repressed emotions, your behavior and reactions to events in the present moment are really reactions to past events as well as the present. This has a negative effect on all relationships in your life. You cannot be fully present with those you love in today until you have released your emotions from the past. You buried emotions because they were too painful and difficult to deal with when they occurred and your reactions to today’s events are affected by this pain and hurt that remains buried in your body. It takes a lot of energy to bury emotions and to keep them buried. There isn’t much energy left over for other activities when your energy is being used to keep stuffing these emotions back down. By nature, buried emotions want to come up so you can become aware of them, feel them and release them"