Tears.

So I'm sitting here, and it's raining and thundering outside (which always relaxes me) and I'm listening to Hillsong United (one of my favorite Christian music groups). I'm trying to fight off the tears that I feel coming. I shouldn't fight them off, I know. I just want to get through this blog post.

I had a really awesome and intense conversation over dinner tonight with my second mom. First, you should know that she is my favorite person in this world. Very loving, very caring, very supportive, very motherly. She has known me since the 7th grade. She's seen me through it all pretty much. Anyway, I hadn't seen her in about a month because she was on vacation. I was anxious and scared to tell her about my recent struggles. I know she loves me no matter what, but I was scared she would be disappointed or frustrated. She was neither of those things. She reacted as she always does, with love and concern, but also hope. I told her my worries about being a bad friend lately. My worries of bothering my friends, my dearest friends whom I met in treatment. Who understand things that no one else on this earth can understand. I told her how I have pulled away from them, and held back the truth, in fear of triggering them, scaring them, worrying them, and pushing them away. I have desperately wanted to talk to them, hug them, cry with them, but I feel I am not worthy. I would NEVER be mad at them or disappointed if they were struggling, but for some reason I feel like they have every right to be mad at me. My second mom talked about how I need them, I deserve their love, and she is sure they would love to be there for me. I started to cry. I started to cry because I started thinking of my girls (Erin, Michelle, and Ashley). How much I miss them. How much I need them. In that moment I wanted to call them and pour my heart out. My second mom reached across the table and held my hand for several minutes, with tears in her eyes as well. She said, "I see your pain, and I know you don't like seeing me cry, but I care about you and I KNOW your friends do too." I don't know if I would have been able to believe that had she not pointed it out. The rest of our conversation was so helpful and instilled so much hope and life into me. I came home and called my friend Michelle and left a voicemail. I am going to call the other two girls tomorrow night.

(and here come the tears...)

 Erin, if you read this....I'm so sorry I haven't been a good friend. You mean the world to me and I love you so much. I wish I could give you a hug right now.

I'm on Day 1 (again) of no purging. It was a battle. I was forced to restrict in order to not purge. I really want that cycle to end. I am going to talk about it with my treatment team in my appointments tomorrow.

I got a bunch of blood drawn on Monday per my psychiatrist because I have been having a lot of distressing symptoms. My psychiatrist emailed me the results tonight and told me I have low Vitamin D and anemia. Nothing terribly concerning, and nothing that can't be fixed without vitamins and a proper diet. But still scary none-the-less.

There's a lot of other stuff swirling around in my head, but I'm too drained to type it all out. And frankly, I want to work through some of it with my treatment team before posting about it.

But for now, I'm just taking it one day at a time.

Limbo

I kind of feel like I'm in limbo, like I'm stuck there. I KNOW what I need to do. But it is not that easy. I feel like I'm moving backwards. I've been restricting. I have come dangerously close to purging. I hate to admit it, but yes I have been trying to lose weight. I don't want to be triggering by saying that. It's just the truth. And at least I can admit that those are my intentions.
I am going to be honest with my treatment team about all this, because I truly do want to stay in recovery. And as much as I feel guilty about needing help right now, I am going to ask for it.

Sometimes I feel like my treatment team are pressuring me to be more independent, not that there is anything wrong with that. And I admit that I do need to learn how to deal with some things on my own without frantically having to text one of them. But when I think about that, and how there are times (like now) when I truly need their help, I feel guilty. I need their help, but I just picture them saying to themselves, "Gosh, she needs my help AGAIN?"

I have been really, really lonely. I feel like a lot of the people I used to be close with have pulled away from me. I know that people change, including myself, but it still doesn't discount the fact that I am lonely and I miss people. But while that has happened, I have formed closer relationships with other people, and re-connected and gotten closer with friends that for a while maybe I myself pulled away from. I reached out to one of the women in my group and we had dinner a couple weeks ago and that was awesome. My friend Sarah helped talk me through a really hard time last night and I am so grateful for her.

I was on vacation last week, and while I was sick for half the week, it was so nice to get away from work and appointments. I got a tan which has helped my body image a little bit. I also was able to get A TON of journaling done while I was there. I am anxious to share it with my treatment team, because a lot of what I wrote are things I have been bottling up for a while now. I hope I can feel better once I share it with them.

That's pretty much what is going on. I'm anxious for my upcoming appointments, and hoping they don't make me feel worse. I am praying for clarity and strength.

Stuck

I continue to feel stuck. I have good days and bad days. Which is what recovery is I guess. But it feels more discouraging then it did six months ago.
I have moments where I can imagine that hope again. I can practically feel it. I believe in recovery and believe it will work for me, and I will be able to achieve it. I am overcome with emotion in those moments, envisioning myself without an eating disorder, loving life and myself.
And then I have moments where going backwards would be easier then staying where I am now. It's almost like a limbo. It at times feels like being in between recovery and relapse, having a need for behaviors. My dietitian agrees. She tells me I am in the part of recovery where there are almost constant ups and downs.
I don't understand how it went from feeling on top of the world and full of hope for several months, to being in the place where I am now. It's very, very frustrating.

Eating is okay, I think. I skip meals here and there, which isn't deal. But I am trying harder. I have more fight, or at least it feels that way. I find myself challenging myself with foods I enjoy, eating for pleasure, instead of just for survival. I sometimes feel guilt after eating things like girl scout cookies, candy, or chips. But I enjoy it in the moment. When things get too tough emotionally, my head immediately thinks of bingeing/purging. I have not given in.

Body image is such a roller coaster. For a while I actually somewhat kind of liked what I looked like. I appreciated that I looked healthy and alive. Right now I'm in this place where I want to lose weight, but in order to do that I feel like I would have to go back to purging. I constantly compare my body to others. I have been throwing away old clothes. Clothes that fit me for years, look like a child's clothes to me now. Jeans that fit me a year ago, I am not able to get past my thighs. It's discouraging. But I think it's worth it. I accept the weight I am. I know it's where I need to be to maintain health. But I still don't like it, and at times I still want it to be lower. But I guess the good thing is that I am not actively trying to lose weight.

I had a horrible day yesterday. I found out one of my dogs, Lucy, has throat cancer, and isn't expected to live but a couple more months. I was inconsolable. I can't imagine my life without her. She came from such a broken and cruel world before we rescued and adopted her. I love her so, so much. I have been crying on and off since I found out yesterday. Going in and out of denial as well. For now she doesn't seem to be in pain, but she struggles to eat and swallow, and I can't take her on long walks anymore, or throw a tennis ball with her. It just about kills me.
I feel like I want to vomit when I think about it.

I am moving into a new place this weekend. I am excited, but more stressed. I have so much packing and cleaning to do. It just feels like so much right now. Once I am all moved in, I am sure I will feel alot better.

Panic seems to have crept back into my life. I have had two panic attacks in the past two weeks. Bad panic attacks too, the kind where I almost pass out and can't see, breathe, move, or speak. It's been scary and frustrating dealing with that again.

All in all, as hard and as scary and confusing and frustrating as things are right now, how incredibly overwhelming and difficult my life is at the moment, I have a lot to be thankful for.

I am so blessed to have a God who loves me and cares about me, who is with me every step of the way. He provides me with so much comfort and peace and guidance. I am so glad I have let the Lord back into my heart this past year, though I suspect He never left, because I am still alive after all I put my body through for the past 9 years.

I have an amazingly wonderful treatment team. Amazing.
My best friends mean the absolute world to me. Especially the girls I met in treatment. No one gets this journey like they do. What a blessing.
The family I nanny for provide me with comic relief.

But for now, I need my rest. I haven't felt like I have had a break in weeks. It's taking its toll.

Giving Thanks,

Well, I've been brainstorming ideas for this post for about a week. I think I am just going to make a list. I have SO much to be thankful for this year. I came so close to death many times this year, yet today I feel the most alive I have in 12 years.
This list is in no particular order.

1. My family: I don't really give them enough credit. They have loved me and supported me through my struggles this year. My parents took out a mortgage on their house to pay for Remuda Ranch. My sisters took out time from school and work to come to my Family Week. My dad pays for my health insurance and some other stuff too. But most of all I am thankful that they love me.

2. Two jobs. Having a job in America is a pretty cool thing right now. I work for an amazing family, nannying the three nicest kids. The parents are so amazing too. They all bring a smile to my face every time I see them, which is Monday through Friday. I also love my job at the resteraunt. It's like a big family there. Minus a couple people, I love my co-workers. My boss is amazing. I will never forget when I told my boss about being in the hospital and having to go away to treatment. He was so supportive and caring. And welcomed me back to work when I came home.

3. My support group. I started this support group at the beginning of the summer. It feels so good to be a part of a group of women who "get it". I come to this group every other Monday night and I just love it. I feel so loved and meaningful. I love supporting the other women as well, offering myself in any way they need me. My group leader is one of the most amazing people I've ever known. She's an old soul and I love her. This group has supported me during my hard times and applauded my successes.

4. My Soul Sisters. Also known as my Remuda girls, also known as my best friends. Also known as Erin, Michelle, Ashley, Jackie, Nikki, Lindsay, Buddy. Holy wow. I would not be doing as well as I am today without these girls. Not even close. They are my sunny days and my bright tomorrows. I love these girls more than anything in the world. I have never had such close, amazing, loving, best friends. Ever. Nothing compares to them.

5. My treatment team. My therapist, dietitian, and psychiatrist...there are just no words. I owe so much to them. They have believed in me every single step of the way. They haven't given up. They challenge me. They help me feel safe. They love me and cheer me on. On the days that I can't find the strength to be there for myself, they are there for me. I simply would not be alive today, had they not been a part of my life.

6. My dogs. They make my heart happy. My dogs don't care what I look like. They love me for who I am. They make me smile. They make me laugh. I love to snuggle with them. They make my soul happy.

7. My close friends, Heather, Karen, Jamie, Emily, Sarah. I love them. They have supported me and loved me through everything this past year.

8. Remuda Ranch. I am thankful that they helped give me my life back. I was truly blessed that my parents were willing to pay for me to go there. Those 45 days brought me back to life.

9. Kathleen MacDonald. Look her up. She's amazing and is my inspiration.

10. Recovery. I am thankful that I chose recovery, that I chose to live. I am thankful for 8 months of recovery. I am thankful for the hope that I will one day be recovered.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

I wish I was "better"

I don't mean better in terms of my recovery, because that's something that's such a process. And I accept that one day I will be recovered, but it definitely won't happen over night. What I'm talk about is...I wish I was better at things I am passionate about.

I love to write. I always have. I have been told that I am a great writer, that I am great at expressing myself through writing. It's so much easier for me to write than it is to talk. I want to write a book. I want to write essays about my journey and my life. But I wish I was better at writing. I compare my writing to other people's, not famous authors or anything, but other bloggers. And, I wish I could write like them. They write so beautifully. It flows and just...works.
I want to be better at writing.

I want to be better at working out/exercising. I was an athlete growing up. I was involved in sports all year round. I was told I had a natural athletic talent and ability that many people dream of. I LOVED playing sports. It made me happy. It made me feel whole. It made me feel confident. I was good at it. I won lots of awards. I accomplished ALOT. But I wish I was better. And now that I'm not involved in organized sports, I have to figure out on my own how to get back to that place of...being athletic and loving being active. It's so hard to be active on my own, especially when I'm tired, and somewhat depressed. I just can't find the motivation. It sucks. Being active was such a HUGE part of my life, and I miss it. Why can't I get motivated? I'm scared I won't ever be in the kind of shape I was my senior year of high school.

I want to be a better friend. I've never had a close group of friends, not even in high school or middle school. I didn't go away to college after graduating high school and i feel like because of that I didn't get the opportunity to form a close knit group of friends. I had a best friend that I met in treatment 8 years ago. But she sort of stopped talking to me a year ago. We have recently re-connected but we are both so different now. I love her to death, but we just sort of grew apart. My best friend now is Erin, we met in treatment earlier this year. She lives in Maryland though, so we don't get to hang out too often. I don't really have a social life. And I hate that. That needs to change. And with the friends I do have, I wish I was a better friend to them. I wish I had the right words to say, and just have it come naturally to me. That makes me sad. I am lonely a lot.

This was a depressing post. But something I needed to get off my chest.

Day 1

I am now on day 1 of no self harm. I feel much better tonight. I texted my therapist today and told her about it. I was really nervous that she was going to get mad. But she wasn't. She was really concerned though. She helped me put together a plan for tonight to stay safe. I had dinner by myself tonight, instead of with my parents...because they have been stressing me out lately. I went to the library and got some new books, then I went to the grocery store and got dinner and some other things I needed, and now I'm sitting on the couch watching Law and Order. I suddenly got really tired when I sat down, and the day is catching up with me. I had a full day of work. My shift at the restaurant wasn't too busy, and then today with the kids was pretty easy. The youngest one made me play football and basketball with him, which I am sure is one of the reasons I am so tired. And then me and one of the girls made chocolate chip cookies from scratch which were delicious! So, it was a good day.

I am really thankful for the support from Erin last night. I wished I would have texted her before I self-harmed, but I am glad she was there for me afterwards. I don't have many people I can tell those things too. I am glad she understands on some level.

Tomorrow should be a good day. I have a massage in the morning which I am SO looking forward to. My friend Karen is giving me the massage and so it will be good to see her and talk to her as well. I know her words will help me feel better. That's really the only exciting thing happening tomorrow, but it should be enough to get me through the day.

Wednesday is going to be boring. Thursday I have therapy (thank God) and Friday should be boring too. But this weekend I am going out of town with my family and I am SO excited. I can't even explain the place because it is so wonderful. It's called The Homestead. But it's a 5 star resort in the mountains with a spa, indoor and outdoor pool, horseback riding, tea time (yes, they schedule a time for tea), really beautiful scenery, and super comfortable bed. It's going to be great!

Anyway, that's it for now!

horrible week.

I am so glad tomorrow is Saturday and I'm going to be in Maryland for the night with Erin and possibly my friend Ashley too. This week has sucked.

The power didn't come back on until Wednesday, which was good. But, Wednesday I worked a lunch shift and it was super busy and I got pretty stressed out, although I did make $15. And then I saw my dietitian that night. I did a blind weight and she told me nothing about my weight (because I asked her not to). I don't regret this decision, but it made me anxious because I wasn't able to have that control factor. My dietitian wants me start a food journal again. I have to write down specifically what I eat and what time I eat it. Hopefully once I start work next week and I get back into a routine, then I will be eating at appropriate times of the day and my metabolism will jump start.

Then Thursday morning I had therapy. It went well, no big issues came up and we kind of had a light hearted conversation about the new tattoo I want to get and my plans for the weekend and things like that. Then after therapy I had a psychiatrist appointment. I don't know what happened, but this enormous amount of anxiety came over me. I was driving to the appointment and I was so agitated, I was shaking, and I felt like I was going to throw up. In the midst of this, I was having a lot of cramping and lower abdominal pain. My period is 4 days late, so at the time I didn't know what was causing this. So when I was in the waiting room I was getting more and more anxious. It was horrible. During my appointment I could not even focus because everything felt out of control and I just could not calm myself down. I knew I was going to throw up. As soon as the appointment was over I ran to the bathroom and puked. I felt better once I threw up so I thought it was okay to drive home. My house was about 20 minutes away, and on the way home I felt like I was going to be sick again, and knew I could make it back home. When I got home, I threw up two more times, and then finally it went away. I made an appointment to see my gynecologist today because my periods have been so off and I have been having a lot of pelvic pain.

So today I had the appointment with my gynecologist, where I discovered I have two very small cysts on my ovaries. It's no big deal. They usually go away on their own. When the nurse weighed me, I asked her not to tell me, which I was very proud of myself for. When I asked my doctor about my irregular periods, she asked how long this has been going on and I told her about going back to treatment for my eating disorder and how I had lost my period for a while. She said my body is most likely still adjusting to my nutritional needs which is why it's not regular yet, even though I am at a healthy weight. I have to go back in a couple weeks for a repeat ultrasound, and check up. And then in October I have to go back again for my annual appointment.

With all of this, I have been struggling more with depression, which is most likely due to the time of year. I have always been deeply affected by the change in weather and seasons. Also, my OCD is pretty difficult right now. I have been having a lot of obsessive thoughts, as well as compulsions. My psychiatrist increased my dosage of Prozac to hopefully help with this. Oh and my body image and social anxiety has been horrible as well.

Anyway, I am just so glad this week is over. Tomorrow I take the train up to Maryland to visit Erin for the weekend and I could not be more excited. It will be so good to see her and get away for the weekend.

I'm sure things will go up from here, and I'm not too worried. I always end up being okay.

crazy is the forecast

I saw both my dietitian and therapist today. It was SO good to see my therapist, SO good. Not seeing her for 2 weeks really made me realize how much I value her support for me. My session with my therapist went well. I wish I could have seen her for 2 hours. We just had so much catching up to do. We talked a lot about my hatred towards my body, and she was trying to get me to see how much muscular I am (not fatter). I believe her, or at least I want to...but I don't see it. If anything I feel like I'm less muscular, and the fattest I have ever been. It's really frustrating to not be able to see what every one else does. We talked about my fears of relapse, and decided I am not relapsing, that recovery is full of ups and downs and right now I am experiencing a down. But we also decided that if I don't get back on track, I am most definitely going to relapse. After catching up today, I know we are going to get into the deeper stuff next week.

Then I had to go back later on in the day to see my dietitian (my therapist and dietitian share an office). I was super, super nervous about seeing my dietitian. I literally prayed to God that my weight did not go up again. I knew if it did I would not handle it well and I honestly don't know how I would have reacted, but I know it would not have been good. She weighed me and I had gone down 1.2lbs....which I know isn't much, but after gaining weight the past 2 months and not knowing why, this came as a relief to me. But, I admitted to my dietitian how I have been skipping a couple meals a day, and I KNOW that is not good and I hate doing it, I really do, and I am determined to get back on track. We made a deal that I would stop skipping meals and would add in 1 hour of exercise every day. I think this a good idea. We talked about how much I loved my body when I was heavily involved in sports. And every one on my team thinks incorporating exercise back into my life would be beneficial, as long as I don't over do it. My dietitian also looked back through my old chart (which is about six inches thick, no lie. The first time I saw her was in 2003). It was really sad to hear the things I have told her over the years, and how until this year, none of it had really changed. So anyway, I go back to my dietitian in a week and a half and hopefully I will have stopped skipping meals.

I left my dietitian's office and needed to get dinner (since I had not eaten all day except a protein bar and craisins). I went to my parent's house and ate a baked potato. I had a pounding headache and felt like I was going to pass out. I was just so weak and miserable and tired. My mom came home and got on my case about how she thinks I need to do more support groups and less therapy and dietitian appointments. It's complete bullshit. She expects me to drop my dietitian after not even 6 months of being out of treatment. She does not know what she is talking about and clearly did not listen to anything the people at Remuda told her. I got irritated and left, because I just couldn't listen to any more of her crap.

I was still hungry but knew if I ate a full meal I was going to purge it. So, I just settled for cereal, and my headache went away and I felt a little more energized. I texted my friend from group, Heather, and told her about everything that went on today. She was so sweet and was so encouraging. And tomorrow we are going to go see a movie and then talk. I am beyond grateful for her!

Tomorrow night I picked up someone's shift, so that will be nice making some extra money. And then Friday my mom said she would take me to the pool. But I have to work all weekend long which sucks. Hopefully I will hear back about the nannying job and can get my schedule straight for the Fall.

Well, that's about it. It's midnight (which is early for me) but I think I'm going to take my meds and go to sleep.

motivator

I feel pretty sick, and am not really up for writing at the moment, but I'm going to anyway because I have something I need to get out.

Have you ever had a person or friend in your life that has challenged you? In a positive way? Who has challenged the way you live, the way you do things, how you act, what you do with your feelings? I've never really had that, at least not before these past couple of months. There's a certain someone in my life, who I will not mention by name (you know who you are). This person has rocked my world, in more ways than one. I have always known what I need to change about my life, what is unhealthy and destructive. Sometimes I've even known what I needed to do to change. But I've never felt I HAD to change, never had a real motivation. Of course the motivation can only ultimately come from within, but sometimes you need someone to kick you in the ass to get you going (which literally has happened, jokingly of course).

This person points out my flaws, which I don't mind, because I know what they are too. But he is helping me see and learn how to turn those negative emotions into something better, something more. He's helped me tap into my creative side, inspired me to start writing again. He has challenged my fear. Fear has always been a huge part of my life, and prevented me from doing so much. Well, now I'm learning to tell fear to shut the fuck up. Fight the lizard brain. It's about time, right?

I have had so many meaningful and enlightening conversations with this person, who I have come to consider a great friend. This person has been so beneficial to me and my life, and I am so grateful. He's probably laughing reading this, because he thinks it's cheesy. But it's all true.
Something else that sticks out in my mind is how much I have struggled with loneliness for so long, but since meeting this person...I cannot remember the last time I felt lonely. And it's not just about having a real friend in my life, it's about having someone who gets you, who wants to see you thrive. It's an awesome feeling.

He shared something with me the other day. I keep thinking about it, saying it to myself.

“Surrender is the opposite of giving up. It is freeing yourself from the desire to be in control, letting go of how you think things should be. Surrender is freedom. Surrender means to love without limits. Holding on to past patterns and grievances only limits the possibilities. Let go. Surrender whatever limits you. Face whatever you are resisting. Through your willingness to walk in the dark forest, insights and revelations will naturally emerge"