I have to stop what I am doing. I HAVE to.
I have started purging again and I had forgotten how addictive it was. I have to stop or this is going to get REALLY bad REALLY fast.
I mean, what am I doing? I know what's going to happen if I continue to do this.
I will lose weight (which is what my ED wants) but I will compromise my health. I could possibly lose my job. I will push away friends (which I am already doing). I could end up in the hospital. I could die.
The anxiety is intense and overwhelming. I put together a plan with my treatment team and I need to start following it.
My dietitian said that I can't keep doing what I am doing, that something will happen to cause me to stop, that I will eventually have a physical or emotional meltdown. That will be a scary meltdown and I don't like to think of what it would be like.
I see my primary doctor tomorrow for follow-up on my migraines. I don't know what I'm going to tell her about how I'm doing with recovery. I don't know if I should say anything about it. My psychiatrist already ordered blood work for me and I will get that done tomorrow as well. I didn't look at my weight at my dietitian appointment yesterday and I am terrified of seeing it at the doctor tomorrow. I will have to make myself do a blind weight.
I am in the arms of the eating disorder right now and I HAVE to get myself out of it.
and you can! I know you can! i believe in you, and i know alot of other people do to. i know it will be hard (because purging really is sooooo addicting)but i know if you can talk to people and follow your plan you WILL get over this. just remember to be honest with everyone on your team because "our secrets keep us sick" and pleeeease try not to be hard on yourself for falling back into some behaviors... it happens, it still happens to me sometimes. it doesn't mean we don't have recovery - it just means the ed caught us during a vunerable moment and now we just get back up and continue fighting.
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