Unbearable Loneliness

I think it's the worst it's ever been. It shouldn't be though. I really have a lot of good going on in my life. I started a new job as a gymnastics coach, and I've really clicked with the other coaches, and one of my former teammates works there as well. I have gotten really close to my friends at my hostessing job, who have also really had my back when it comes to a situation with another co-worker who has been a total bitch to me for no reason.

I mean, I have a lot of things going for me. Yet, I feel more isolated than ever. I think part of it is the fact that there are things that I'm going through in my life that most people don't know about, and someone people can't understand. I feel like I've been trying to reach out to people, but all I have to talk about is how hard things are right now. And that's not really fair to my friends. I also feel like because I am so pathetic and miserable, no one really wants or cares to know how I'm doing. I feel like I'm doing a lot of pushing people away, but not on purpose.

I realize that other people have stuff going on in their lives too. And I don't want to come across as selfish. But I think that it's also really important that I look out for myself first and foremost these days, so I don't spiral into another depression. I love the friends that I do have. And I want to be there for them more than anything in the world. I just hope they know that. I tell them all the time, I feel like.

I just got back from a dietitian appointment. Because of the isolation and loneliness I feel, I have been turning to the one thing that's always been there for me...my eating disorder. I've been restricting. I've also had increasing urges to purge. I've been feeling so guilty about what I eat. I've been comparing myself to others SO much. My body image is terrible.

I nearly left my dietitian appointment in tears. She is going to email my therapist, which really won't do anything until Monday because my therapist is out of town. My dietitian also encouraged me to reach out to at least 3 of my friends today to let them know what's going on. I have yet to do that. We didn't really come up with a meal plan. I just couldn't even think about food today. I felt so repulsive.

More Progress to be Made

I saw my dietitian this afternoon. I'm still progressing well in recovery. I am pretty much abstaining from restricting about 90% of the time, which just blows my mind! I do have urges to purge, but I always fight them off. About 95% of the time I eat what I want to, rather than eating what my eating disorder wants me to eat.

But, I realized today I still have things I need to work really hard on. My body image has been really crappy lately. For a little while it was actually a lot better, so I'm not sure what made me feel so fat again. I still have it in my head that I need to lose weight, that I want to. I have these rules that I have had since my eating disorder began. I have such a hard time eating in front of people. I do way, way better eating in a group situation. If I eat in front of just one person then I feel like they are judging the way I eat. And I hate that feeling. I have this fear of being judged by my roommate for what I buy at the grocery store. So, if she's home, I won't bring in my groceries unless she is either asleep or isn't here. And some things I buy from the store I keep in my room because I am afraid she will judge me for it not being a "good food".

My dietitian scared the heck out of me today when she asked if I would be willing to go out to eat with her one time, as a challenge. I looked at her like she was crazy and I say I couldn't. She said that we can go when I am ready. I'm thinking maybe I'll never be, so maybe I should just go ahead and suck it up. Ahhh but it's so scary, especially with my dietitian? I mean I love her and everything, but she would totally be analyzing how I eat.

I'm anxious to talk to my therapist about all of this. I had therapy this morning, but that was before my dietitian appointment. I'm thinking I want to start focusing on the things the eating disorder holds me back from. I'm feeling ambivalent about therapy right now actually. But I don't feel like getting into that.

A change, a loss, and progress.

Something that I've done with my trauma, is numb all of my feelings. For a long time, for years, I just had the memories, and no emotions. Within the past 7 months, I have identified emotions, been able to express them through writing and talking. It's HUGE progress on my part. I didn't think I would ever feel my feeling again. Now, for the first time in a long time I am allowing myself to cry. Giving myself permission. I finally have learned to "let go". 7 months ago I didn't cry. And for the past week, I have been crying most days.

Now most of this is due to the fact that I'm going through a life change. I'm leaving a job that brought me stress, but also brought me joy. My future in terms of work is unknown, which is scary. It's a big loss. I'm still really emotional from my suicide attempt. I am working through trauma, which is proving to be most exhausting. As much as feeling my feelings sucks, it's totally what I need to be doing, and it's also been very healing.

One part of my life that I'm pleased with is my eating disorder recovery. It's still a road of bumps now and then. But, it's crazy how intuitive my eating is. No guilt about food, no obsessions, no fears, no misery. It feels amazing. To just be able to feel free when it comes to food, free from the prison that is anorexia and bulimia. There are still improvements to be made. But I'm happy with my progress. I feel confident in myself and in my recovery. I wish I could tell you what happened to get me to this place of solid recovery. Believe me, I keep asking myself the same question. But I just don't know. I think something in my head just clicked. I got sick and tired of starving myself and obeying ED. I also think that being open and honest in therapy and really processing and dealing with my trauma was HUGE in not using eating disorder behaviors. I finally was ready to deal with everything.

I wish everyone who is struggling with an eating disorder could at this moment feel the same freedom I do. Because it's amazing, especially if you've been in your eating disorder for years (mine has been 10 years). But there's also something about the journey that's really amazing. I'm not sure I would trade it. I've made lifelong friends whom I think of as sisters. I've met so many amazing, loving people.

Just keep going. Don't let ED tie you down from the life you deserve.

Sadness

My sadness is so intense these days. I think the fact that I attempted to end my life 2 weeks ago is mentally exhausting, and my emotions are like all over the pace. I'm really starting to get really sad over losing my job. I will be there until the end of next week. The mom hasn't told the kids anything yet, and probably won't until she finds another nanny. Just thinking about her having that conversation with them (and possibly me being a part of that conversation) breaks my heart. I love those kids so much. And that dog, oh my gosh. I love him so much. I've raised him since he was 11 weeks old, and he's almost a year old. I will always be a part of that family though. I will be able to visit and hang out with them. But it will still be sad not seeing them every day. It's going to be hard.

I'm dealing with a lot of trauma issues lately. It's so intense and so scary. I'm hanging on as best I can. I have the world's most amazing therapist.

Eating has been okay. My appetite has been a little hard to find lately. I eat what I want but, often feel guilty about it. I'm struggling a lot with body image, like so much. I wish I could wear sweatpants all day every day. I really want to start working out but...I guess I'm feel like I won't be able to stop. I've never had a problem with exercise before. But I'm just worried it's something I could become obsessed with.

I don't know what else to say. My mind is blank.

I used to be pretty incapable of taking care of myself. I think I'm finally doing a pretty good job of it though. It's taking time and a lot of hard work, and I'm not perfect at it. I'm becoming more and more normalized with my eating. I saw my dietitian last night and she said that my eating for the past week was normal! She was so shocked (and honestly so was I). I don't really know what changed. I guess I just felt more hungry. It helps when I have an appetite. I had a big freak out last week because my dietitian weighed me and I found out I had gained xlbs over the holidays. People kept telling me it's normal to gain weight over the holidays, but it's never been normal for me. I've always been sick during Christmas. I was so upset over the weight gain. I didn't even care that my dietitian said that all of my numbers were right where they should be. I just felt huge and fat and disgusting. And I still do. But I accept that fact that probably the reason why I gained weight over the holidays was because I was screwing up my metabolism by skipping meals. So I guess that motivated me to start eating normally, and that's what I've been doing.

There are other ways I've been taking care of myself. Even though there are times when I still feel REALLY guilty for reaching out for help, I have been doing it more. I've been in close contact with my treatment team during this past few weeks, while things have been really tough. I'm trying to see if a medication change will help. I'm working on my eating. And I'm allowing myself to be more vulnerable in therapy. My therapist mentioned possibly telling my mom about my trauma history, as she knows very, very little. At first I said NO WAY. But now I'm actually thinking about doing it, only of course if my therapist is there. And she says she absolutely agrees that she should be there. I have therapy tomorrow and I think we are going to discuss it more then.

Other ways I am taking part in self-care is going to sleep earlier, aromatherapy, distraction, and asking for what I need.

I'm still having a rough go with depression. I think maybe it's a little less intense, maybe not so much suicidal ideation going on. It's still something that needs to be watched, however. I have good moments and bad moments. I had a really powerful experience a couple weekends ago. I went to the Saturday evening service at my church. I go alone, I always have. For some reason, I wanted to walk out in the middle of the service. I just didn't feel connected to God or to any of the music or the message that night. I stuck it out though. And at the end of the service, the pastor got up and said if anyone wanted to be prayed for, to approach him afterwards. Something just pulled me over there. And I admitted that I was struggling with a severe depression, and he prayed for me. It was what I needed. I felt God and His presence. Part of the message of the sermon that night was, "God makes the impossible possible." I keep thinking about that.
I've always felt it was impossible to recover from my eating disorder and to heal from all of my trauma. Maybe it's not impossible though. Maybe I can get to a place where I will be okay.

I'm also having a super tough time with PTSD and other trauma issues. Next week is the 2 year anniversary of my rape. I'm growing increasingly anxious about it. Last year on the first anniversary, I took the day off of work and medicated myself and slept all day. This year, I am making it a two day event. On Monday I am walking the labyrinth with my therapist. I did this last summer as a part of the eating disorder group I did, and it was a very powerful experience. On Tuesday, my therapist and I are going to a park near her office and I'm bringing a balloon and she's bringing a sharpie. And I'm going to write on the balloon everything about that night that I want to let go of and release. Then, I'm going to let the balloon go. I'm glad I will have extra support on those two days.

I'm back to my normal work schedule this week. I'm already exhausted. I'm counting down the days to Spring Break already.

As always, taking it day by day, hour by hour.

hopeless

I haven't been this depressed since July, when I was in the hospital for my depression and suicide plans. I guess what's different is that I have no active plans to kill myself. Part of me wishes I had the guts to do it. It's like I'm miserably stuck in both places, wanting to live and wanting to die. It's a place that's all too familiar.

But I feel very frustrated and irritable. I have no motivation to change things. Even though I'm the loneliest I've ever been, the thought of going out and being more social is unappealing to me and is quite frankly terrifying and depressing. I don't feel needed, by anyone. I stayed alive over the summer because of the family I nanny for. Yes, they need me. I am their babysitter and I have been by a couple different people that if I ever hurt myself, they would be devastated. I know they would. And I'm a horrible person for believe that that isn't enough to keep on going. How selfish of me.

I'm taking my medication, which is something new I'm trying. I'm not convinced it's working. But I take it to put my treatment team at ease. I'm very scared of ending back up in the hospital. It's not some place I want to be. It's cold, sterile, depressing and causes more problems. I keep trying to make myself believe that things will get better. But, it's just not happening. I keep thinking...either I'm going to end up in the hospital again, or I'm going to die.

My parents have no clue what is going on. Maybe my mom suspects something, but I just don't want to explain it. If I were to be admitted to the hospital, they would freak out. I think they would be angry that they didn't know that I was having such a hard time. I'm stressing over the fact that they have a right to know, but not wanting to burden them...as I have done for years.

Even though I'm unmotivated, I'm desperate to see and talk to my therapist, who has been out of the office. She always helps me to get back on track. I need her help. I can't seem to help myself these days. I'm not even really eating, now that I think about it. I just don't think about it. I just lay in bed all day.

I would love nothing more than to take back my hope, to feel joy, to come out of the depths of this depression, to thrive, and not just survive. I really want that for myself. The problem is, I don't think I'm capable of it. I don't think that I'm worthy. I don't think it's in my future plans.

Trauma issues are very present and a roadblock to feeling safe again. I've had intense flashbacks, nightmares, and overwhelming emotions. I don't feel like going into it. A big anniversary is coming up in a few weeks. I'm beyond anxious for it.

My memory is terrible. I literally feel like I'm losing my mind.  I wonder if it's an effect of the trauma. I have no idea. I just want to feel like I know what's going on around me.

I have a sick feeling in my stomach. I have the worst panic feeling in my chest. Depression is making me sick. I'm really, really scared of going back to work on Monday. I can't even imagine how I'm going to deal with it. Here comes that panic feeling in my chest again.

I'm not sure what to do. I see my therapist on Wednesday. I wish it would hurry up. I'm hanging on by a thread.

discouraged and frustrated

I'm so frustrated with myself these days. I beat myself up daily for not being able to handle things better than I think I should be. Every one tells me that the healing process and recovery process is such a journey and that it will get easier and hurt less. But I'm just exhausted with the process and really discouraged. I mean, I know I have made progress since I began seeing my new therapist over the summer. I made progress that I didn't even know that I needed to make. But it's so difficult and I'm so tired.

I think the trauma work has to be the hardest. There are times when I feel so much better after venting about it or writing about it. And then there are other times, like today, when I feel so incredibly stupid for being so upset over it and not being able to be stronger about it. I got so depressed after therapy this morning. I wanted to cry so much. I kept saying to myself, "I hate this, I hate this."  I had one of those moments where I told myself that I didn't want to do this anymore, that I was done. I thought about the psychiatric hospital and as awful as a place that is, today it felt like it would be a safe place for me. To just take a break from work and family and drama. That's not reality though. I need to learn how to deal with what's going on in my life.

I know I am way too hard on myself. People have been telling me this for years. It's just confusing how some times I can be so forgiving of myself and what I'm going through, and other times I feel stupid, dumb, weak, annoying, and worthless. And I care SO much about what other people think about me and how I go through life. I want it to be the "right way", if there is such a thing. Ugh.

I am struggling a little bit with restricting. I feel like I'm in this almost constant state of anxiety or being overwhelmed, or not being able to focus on taking care of myself. And it's so easy to just forget to eat or skip a meal. I hate doing it. I'm mad that my eating disorder is making me feel stuck.

Depression is wrapping me up and consuming me as the days go by. Each day I feel a little less motivated. Simple tasks such as laundry, grocery shopping, going to the bank, taking out the trash, showering, and doing my make up are starting to become very hard tasks.

I'm so tired all the time. Really. All the time. I could fall asleep anytime, anywhere. It's 7:30pm here and I could seriously fall asleep in seconds.

I have to make it through this Winter. Somehow, it needs to be done.

it gets worse before it gets better.

The title of this post is so true when it comes to healing from trauma. I've been working really hard with my therapist since the end of the summer. It's been so hard, and so painful. But I am making progress. But it's still hard. Today was one of the most intense and overwhelming therapy sessions I've ever had. I had a full on breakdown/flashback/dissociative episode. My therapist responded in the most perfect way and I was so glad she was there for me. I was SO out of it after therapy. I felt like I had just run a marathon. My therapist walked me out and down the hall to the elevator, but she must have sensed that I was still really out of it. She rode down the elevator with me. I don't know how, but I drove myself home. I was so dizzy and everything was fuzzy and I think I was still disconnected. I got home and had a little over an hour before I needed to be at work. I literally walked up the stairs to my room, took off my shoes, and crawled under my bed covers and set my alarm for when I needed to wake up to go to work. I instantly fell asleep. Once I woke up I felt better. It was just really intense and I've kind of felt down in the dumps all day and not motivated at all. I'm now at home and in my bed with a heating pad on my chest. I feel anxious that that intense feeling and experience will happen again , but this time alone. I just need to distract, distract, distract.

I've decided that I want to go back to school. Although, I have NO idea how I am going to pay for that. I want to get my associate's degree in early childhood education, and eventually teach pre-school. I think that would be a perfect job for me. I could technically get my degree by taking online classes through the local community college. But I do need to do more research. Figure out what preschools require you to have a degree or not, or if I need any type of certification. And of course, if I need to go back to school, figure out how to pay for it. I'm tired of the jobs I have now. They aren't challenging and I'm really unhappy at them.

Friday I am going to my regular doctor to get checked out. I have been having some really distressing symptoms for the past couple of months. I am nauseous every day, bloated to the point where I look pregnant, I have night sweats and hot flashes, insomnia, irregular periods, episodes of vertigo, etc. I saw my dietitian on Monday night and she weighed me on her super duper scale and I had a really high level of fluid in me, and I had gained weight. I told her about my symptoms and she is convinced I have some sort of hormonal imbalance. It's also been suggested that I have some sort of thyroid issue. Anyway, I'm just really anxious to get some answer about what's going on with me. Because I'm miserable.

Not much else is going on. I'm still motivated for recovery, but otherwise I'm really unhappy. 

If I just...breathe

I feel like I've packed a week into the past 3 days. I've had so many appointments, work obligations, and errands to run. For the most part my appointments have gone really well. My doctor appointment on Monday that my therapist came with me too was really difficult, but it went well at the same time. I'm just glad it's over and hopefully I won't have to go back for another year (crosses fingers). It was just really scary and made everything that's happened to me a bigger reality than it already is. I honestly could not have gotten through that appointment without having my therapist there. She helped slow down my breathing before, during, and after the exam. She told me proud she was of me, and how much she felt honored that I asked her to come with me.

I saw my dietitian Monday night for the first time in a few weeks. It went really, really well. My dietitian was just so happy with how I've been doing and so excited. Even though I see her again in two weeks, I think I will be able to cut back to possible every 3 weeks. I know I'm still kind of fragile with recovery, and no, not everything is all better. But, I feel like I know what I need to do now and feel like I'm making healthy choices and following my hunger cues (which is HUGE for me!)
Before I committed to recovery this time around, every time I read someone's blog or Facebook status or a book about how great recovery felt to them and how much better life was, I rolled my eyes. Everyone just said the same thing about it. And I was so terrified of recovery. And honestly, I now understand what they were saying about recovery. And, it's going to continue to get better for me, which fills me with so much hope. People who didn't understand eating disorders always used to say to me, "You have to choose to live!" And I feel like I was making that choice, but I didn't know if I could actually do it. Recovery from an eating disorder is so much more than, breakfast, lunch and dinner and a snack, oh and weight gain supplements if you need them and healthy exercise. I mean, there are layers and layers to all of those things that no one could possibly understand if you didn't have an eating disorder.
I don't think I made the choice this time around to finally give recovery my all. I think it just naturally came when I started to be completely open in therapy. I think all the bottled up emotions and memories were released and I didn't have to pretend anymore. I didn't have to hide. But I do make the choice day in and day out to eat, even when I'm anxious or nauseous or upset about something. And I'm not perfect about it. I do have my slips still. But I cannot even begin to explain the huge weight I have felt lifted off of my shoulders.

I saw my therapist this morning. It was a tough appointment. We talked a lot about family dynamics, which is honestly my least favorite topic of all time. Anyway, I don't feel comfortable explaining all of it in my blog because I don't want to bash my family on the internet, but my therapist told me to read "The Dance of Anger".  I've already bought it and started reading it.

I'm excited for Thanksgiving tomorrow, mainly just the food part. Not too excited about spending time with family, but it is what it is.

I also saw my psychiatrist today. And I told him that I know this Winter is going to be really tough on me because of the weather, depression, and anniversaries. I said I just want to make it through this season without be hospitalized. He said that was a good goal. I really hope I can do it.

Just gotta survive until March, and then I can breathe again.

This Is What Healing Feels Like

I am in recovery from two things these days; my eating disorder, and my childhood and adult trauma.

The eating disorder recovery has been SUCH a roller coaster. I mean, I've never been able to go a full year in recovery without relapsing in all my 10 years of my ED. And this past summer, I pretty much reached a full blown relapse. I always thought the cause of my eating disorder was my anxiety, my depression, and other insecurities. What I didn't really realize until a month or so ago, is that it was what CAUSED the anxiety, depression, and insecurities that lead to my eating disorder.





What caused the eating disorder was the multiple traumas I have endured throughout my life. My version of coping with my traumas was restricting, binging, binging AND purging, counting calories, obsessing over my appearance and weight, self-mutilation, threatening suicide, and repressing memories.

The past couple of months I have began to fully deal with my trauma with a new therapist. I have been doing such hard work. It's been exhausting, draining, and terrifying. But it's also been immensely healing. For so many years, I used self-destructive behaviors to avoid feeling my feelings. But since a couple months ago when my therapist gave me permission to allow myself to feel sad, hurt, scared, and angry, I have been improving with my recovery from my eating disorder.

I no longer weigh myself. In fact, I am content with my weight, and it's healthy and natural. I don't count calories. I don't obsess in the mirror. I haven't self-harmed in a couple months. I haven't purged since July. I don't really ever think about purging. I don't worry about what I eat. I eat what tastes good, and am learning to trust my hunger cues.

It's weird to say this but...I can see the light at the end of the tunnel with my eating disorder. Weird, but good!

Now I feel like I'm fighting this battle (and winning) with trauma related issues. It's probably the hardest and scariest thing I've ever done. To be raw and vulnerable with my therapist. To work through memories, feelings, flashbacks, and nightmares. I'm having a hard time allowing myself to release the pain. Writing is helping though, and being in therapy. But I've rarely let myself cry. I have SO many new coping skills now that are actually very helpful. And sometimes, nights can be so scary and hard that I put in a phone call to my therapist on her cell phone, like I did tonight. I sobbed my heart out to my therapist over the phone. She knew exactly how to help me though. She talked me through it, let me know it was just a memory, just a wave that's going to eventually pass. She got me breathing again, did some guided imagery with me, calmed me down and eventually the wave passed.

I'm healing my mind, soul, and body these days.

What's really amazing

Does anyone even read my shitty writing anymore? I'll keep blogging no matter what, I think. It helps.

I hope I don't jinx myself by writing this post.

What's really amazing is...feeling hopeful. Today I felt hopeful, like really hopeful, for the first time in months. I felt like, "oh my gosh, even though I don't see the end in sight, I totally feel like I will be okay in time". It was pretty powerful and emotional. And today for the first time in...gosh, probably years, I had energy. I wasn't tired. It's crazy!!! I had a really amazing therapy session this morning. And let me just say, my therapist is fucking awesome, and I totally wish she could move in with me. I left therapy feeling hopeful and energized and lighter. I told her about how at the doctor's last week, I saw my weight for the first time in a few months. And that I felt content with the number I saw, which was a healthy number. She got so excited and lit a candle for me to celebrate that huge milestone. I was talking to her about my appearance pre-Remuda 2011 and how I didn't realize how sick I had gotten, and that looking back now I can see how frail and close to dying I was. She said, "I can't even imagine what you looked like. It makes my heart hurt just thinking about it. But look at you now...You are beautiful." I smile just typing that out.

After therapy, it was off to work until 6:30pm. Work flew by without any major stress. I ended up dyeing my hair dark brown/almost black. I really love it, even though people tell me they can't notice a difference (which is kind of an insult to me). I wanted to change my hair color because I feel like my heart and my soul is going through a change also these days. I tend to be very symbolic.

I got home a couple hours ago, and felt tired and anxious for my drive up to Charlottesville for the NEDA walk tomorrow morning. I opened up an email from my therapist, in which she had written a reply to an email I had written her earlier today about how glad I was that I came to my appointment today. She responded with, "I'm glad too. You did a great job. You are working so hard and I'm glad you can feel the progress."
I guess I started to get a little bit sad because, well I'm still not really sure why. But I guess I felt a little bit guilty for having such a good day, when I have been so entrenched in my trauma lately. And so then I just got really overwhelmed and alone and I felt like I could cry my brains out and probably should, but there is something going on subconsciously with me, that I won't let myself cry. It totally sucks. Luckily I had a friend talk me through it.

Anyway, I'm just...really proud of myself for working so hard. It's not that I HAVEN'T worked hard all of these years, but I've just been extra brave and extra hardworking with the help of my amazing therapist. 

depleted

I feel like all life and positive energy has been drained from me. I really don't know how I have made it through this week without melting down...oh wait...I had a major meltdown on Wednesday that required an emergency phone call to my psychiatrist and my therapist and I had to leave work early. So, no...I'm really not handling things well.

I'm depressed. Not in a scary way, but it could definitely be headed in that direction. I get home from work at the end of the day and barely have enough energy to wash my face. I lay on my bed and can barely move my limbs because every part of me is physically and emotionally exhausted. I haven't been very mindful of my eating, actually I haven't been very mindful in any way.

I see my primary care doctor tomorrow morning. I haven't seen her since March. Since my last visit with her, I have relapsed with my ED, spent 6 days in a psychiatric hospital for being suicidal, almost went back to treatment, injured my shoulder (which probably wouldn't have happened if I had been eating), spent a night in the ER due to dehydration and electrolyte imbalance, and now I'm in a state of constant stress and depression. My doctor is very caring and supportive, but needless to say, tomorrow's appointment should be interesting.
I will insist that the nurse does not tell me my weight (although she will probably forget and put it on my checkout sheet). Whatever.

So, I'm not doing so well. I'm not sure how to really turn it around. I feel like my job is a big part of the problem. I have been reaching out for support from my treatment team though, which I am proud of myself for. I'm desperate to talk to my therapist and can't wait until our session on Tuesday. She's on vacation right now, so there's no way to talk to her.

I'm just really exhausted. 

all over the place

I'm not anxious. I'm stressed. There is a difference, at least for me there is.

My job is completely stressing me out to the point of tears and complete exhaustion. It is draining me. I have no idea what to do. I don't want to quit. I don't want to say much more about it because I don't want my employer to somehow find this blog post.

I've been so stressed that I have been clenching my jaw, and grinding my teeth. My teeth and jaw ache so much. It's really painful and makes me more stressed out.

I literally slept all weekend. I'm pretty sure I was depressed, mostly from my job and just wanting to avoid trauma stuff.

I'm sick of...eating disorders. Besides my treatment team, and the close friends that I have who struggle...I want nothing to do with eating disorders. I am going to the NEDA Walk in Charlottesville next weekend because one of my best friends Michelle is going to be there. But I can't stand freaking ED's. When leaving my dietitian's office tonight, there was a super, super skinny and emaciated girl in the waiting room and yes, I did compare myself. I still struggle with that a lot. Even though I know that girl is probably miserable and drained of life. I just hate it. I hate eating disorders. They are competitive and annoying and selfish and stupid.
I want to eat normally (like I've been starting to do) and not feel guilty and like a failure for doing so, even though it excites my dietitian soooo much that I ate a cheeseburger and french fries last week.  Which I'm pretty proud of too.

I don't want to sleep away my weekends because I have NOTHING else to look forward to. I don't have any money to spend on myself (it all goes to bills and rent). I don't have any friends here. I don't have a boyfriend. I look forward to sleeping away my weekends. And I know that's not normal or healthy.

Can I just wake up tomorrow and be like everyone else who DOESN'T have an eating disorder? I can deal with all the other stuff, just not the stupid ED.

Progress is progress, no matter how small

I've been reluctant to regularly update my blog. In all truthfulness, I am processing all of my past trauma in therapy right now (and have been since August) and it has been so difficult. I don't want to share these experiences and how I'm dealing with them on the internet. It's too personal and private. But when close friends ask me how I'm doing, and I say I'm having a hard time, it's because I'm struggling with trauma related issues.

But I do want to continue to write on my blog, and I believe I can do that without talking about my therapy sessions in detail. I will say that, as difficult as processing trauma has been, it's what I have needed to do for a long, long time. I work with an amazing therapist who is making this process safe and I am able to trust her.

Now, onto my progress. I honestly have hated that word for so long. Mainly because I feel like I hardly ever make progress, and that when I do, I tend to self-destruct. However, lately I have been making progress in areas that I didn't even know about until my therapist pointed them out. I've always struggled with feeling guilty for reaching out for help, and feeling so needy. And I apologize excessively for it. My therapist today told me that I have not bothered her, and there is no need to apologize. In fact, she said she thinks it shows great strength and progress that I am able to reach out to her when I feel like I need to, while being able to handle some things without her help. She told me to honor myself for making such progress. I was taken back by that, but in the end it made me smile.

On the eating disorder front, I am also making progress. I have not purged since July, and I really haven't had any urges. Like I said in a former blog post, my ER trip last month made me realize how much my body is suffering when I use ED behaviors. Lately, if I restrict for one day, I have a terrible headache at the end of the day. Restricting is becoming less and less. I enjoy food. I eat pretty much whatever I want, in moderation of course. I don't count calories. I haven't looked at my weight in 3 months. And I actually am beginning to like my body. It's crazy and I never thought I would get to this point. And it's amazing that I can actually get much better.

It's a slippery slope thought, and even though eating is going better, I got scared the other night when my dietitian was praising me for how well I was doing. I thought to myself, "well this won't last. it never does." I got really down on myself. I really want it to last this time. I know that there will of course be ups and downs, but I don't want to fully relapse again.

I am really thankful (and I know I say this a lot) for a really awesome support system and treatment team. My team of my therapist, dietitian and my psychiatrist is the best team I've ever had. Jane, the mom I babysit for, has become a person I can confide in. I have, Debbie, my second mom. And while I don't have really any friends in my town that I can be myself around, I have a handful of really amazing friends scattered here and there that get me and know me and love me.

So, like the title of this post says...Progress is progress, no matter how small.

ER and other shenanigans

Exactly a week ago today, my friend Sarah was driving me to the emergency room. I had seen my dietitian 4 hours earlier and she was seriously concerned for my well-being. You see, I hadn't eaten or had anything to drink in 3 days. When she weighed me, her super duper special scale told her that I was severely dehydrated. I insisted I was fine (when I really felt like I was dying). She wanted to drive me home because she didn't think it was safe to drive myself, but again, I said I was okay. Around 10:30pm I was walking from my bathroom to my bedroom and all of a sudden everything got white and my head felt like it was spinning, I felt nauseous and on fire. I made myself sit down. After a few minutes, I felt strong enough to walk to my bed and sit down on it. I texted my friend Sarah, and in my gut I knew I needed to go to the ER. So I got there and they did vitals, EKG, took several vials of blood, and put in an IV needle. I didn't get a room until 1:30am. The doctor came in and I explained how this happened and that I had an eating disorder and blah blah blah. He wasn't very understanding or supportive, but whatever. I didn't really expect anything different.
He said my lab work came back and I had low potassium. I got pumped full of fluids to re-hydrate me and get my potassium level back up to normal.  I had a TERRIBLE headache that was on day 5. I got a Percocet for that, as well as Zofran for my nausea. After the fluids were pumped into my body, I was allowed to go home. I was pretty loopy from the painkiller, and exhausted. I got home at 4:30am. I went straight to bed. This was on a Friday night/Saturday morning and I didn't feel back to normal until Monday night.
Since then, I have been eating much better and staying hydrated. I guess it was kind of a wake-up call. It scared me a lot. I still have the desire to restrict, but for the most part...I'm not. My parents were really mad at me when I told them what happened. My mom accused me of being needy, attention-seeking, and that I wanted people to baby me. This is why I never tell my mom anything.
I saw my dietitian tonight and she was so glad I went to the ER. She told me I had scared her so much. When I told her I had low potassium that night, her eyes got real big and she said, "you can have a heart attack from that, you do know that right?" I did know that, but don't think it would ever happen to me.
My therapist, who is amazing by the way, has been very supportive. I have been doing a lot of trauma work lately, and I think the anxiety from talking about it led to my behaviors last week that landed me in the ER. She is aware of this, and wants to be very careful and slow from now on when talking about trauma. She recognizes how much emotional pain I am in and just wants to take things session by session. I am perfectly okay with this, as I was so overwhelmed with everything last week.

I've started physical therapy for my shoulder and it sucks. It's hard and painful and it makes me sore and tired. My physical therapist says I have a lot of work to do with it, that it will never regain full strength. Super.

I am going to spend a weekend in October with my best friend Ashley, and we are going to do a NEDA Walk in Baltimore! I can barely contain my excitement. She is my other half and a part of my soul and I cannot wait to see her!

Not much else going on. Just the usual day to day things. My life is pretty boring.

some things better, some things worse

This will be brief.

Food stuff is getting better. Not sure where my weight is, but probably not where it need to be. I've lost 10lbs since May. My appetite is back, and I have cravings. But my anxiety still prevents me from being able to eat when I want to and when I need to. That sounds like an excuse, which it's not. It's just...pretty bad with the anxiety right now so...eating is difficult. My dietitian isn't too happy about that.
Still haven't purged since I've been out of the hospital, so like...over a month I guess?

Therapy is hard and scary as SHIT. Doing a TON of trauma work. I know it's good for me, but I feel like a little kid again and I'm on edge with just about everything. Triggers all day long, nightmares, flashbacks, etc. I still have had no means of release of the emotions, the sadness and the grief. I am beginning to cry a little, but it's still stuffed way, way down in there. Luckily, my therapist is AH-mazing, and is being really great throughout all of this. She's seriously doing some serious saving right now.

I opened up to the mom I babysit for...about pretty much everything. She's been super supportive and super caring. I still can't believe how much I told her, but she's been awesome about it. She's invited me over for dinner a few days this week and to just hang out so I don't have to be alone with my thoughts. Tomorrow is Caroline's 13th birthday and they celebrated tonight at PF Changs for dinner, and invited me to go with them. It was a lot of fun, and good to be around people who consider me part of their family.

I have been having a ton of sleep issues. I can't fall asleep at night, so I increase my sleep meds, but then I end up oversleeping or falling asleep at work. I don't mean a light nap, I am being completely knocked out. It sucks and I hated being tired all of the time. If I try and cut back on my sleep medication, then I can't fall asleep. It's a no win situation. My psychiatrist is out of town, which blows.

My shoulder is doing better. I don't need surgery. I no longer have to wear a sling. I have to start physical therapy, because I have very little strength and range of motion in my left arm/shoulder now. And I have to take a prescription anti-inflammatory. PT is such a pain in the ass.

That's about it. I'm getting by, but it's on a day to day basis. I can't look forward to a week from now or else I will have a panic attack.

this and that.

I'm currently at the beach on vacation. It is Heaven here. The weather is perfect and I love the beach so I am feeling super relaxed. We are here (my family and I) until next Sunday. Which means I will be spending my birthday here, which I have NO problem with.

Things are a little complicated down here though. Wednsday, the day before we left for the beach, I was diving off the diving board at the pool with the kids. I was a competitive diver for 13 years so it wasn't like I didn't know what I was doing, but it had been a while since I had seriously dived. I was doing a very simple front dive in the pike position, a dive I have done millions and millions of times. I'm exactly sure what happened, but I lost control and was going faster and higher than I intended. My arms flew backward at an awkward angle and I immidietly felt something hurt in my left shoulder. I got out of the pool and was in pretty bad pain. At first I thought I had dislocated my shoulder, but nothing looked wrong and I didn't know what I had done. My hands and fingers began to go numb and tingly and as the day went on my arm felt numb, heavy, and useless, and my shoulder still hurt. I went to an orthopedic urgent care after work and had x rays done. I did not have a total dislocation of my shoulder, however I did have a partial dislocation (also called a subluxation) meaning my shoulder joint popped out and right back in by itself, and I also have a possible torn labrum. I was given a sling and painkillers. I'm kind of bummed this happened before the beach, but at least it's nothing more serious. My shoulder is still hurting me. When I get back from vacation I have to see a specialist and go from there.

I have news. I have decided to switch therapists. I have already had an intake type appointment with one and have chosen to work with her. I really liked the vibe I got from her and I really think she will be able to help me. My current therapist knows not much about this. She knows I was thinking about switching and was looking into other therapists. But she was on vacation this week and so I wasn't able to see her and tell her what's going on. I have no idea how I'm going to tell her. I don't feel bad, I just want to do it the right way. She helped me for almost 3 years and now it's time to move on. I have an appointment with her the Friday I get back, but I'm not sure I want to keep it. I was thinking of emailing her and telling her I no longer need her. Would that be rude? I need opinions here.

I saw my dietitian 4 times in 1 week. I have been struggling majorly with restricting and my weight shows it. It's a very slow weight loss, but still worrysome. I am hoping that while I am at the beach I will be more relaxed and eating will come easier. So far, that's not really how it's going. I mean eating is better, but not ideal to my dietitian. I have major, major anxiety surrounding anything to do with food. It's incredibly frustrating.

My intake appointment with the new therapist brought up some old (but also new) emotions and thoughts. She asked about things that I haven't really in depth talked about in a while, or at all. I have been a little depressed from it, and I'm eager to continue to talk about it with her. I need to get out my journal and write it down.

It's stressful at times being down here with my family 24/7. My dad annoys the hell out of me. I can't seem to get away from it. It's so frustrating. UGH.

Anyway, that's it with me. For now.

Floating Along.

Things aren't any worse. Things aren't any better. I just seem to be floating along. There is very little fight inside of me. I don't feel connected to life, to anything outside of me. Sometimes it feels like I'm in a dream. That things aren't real. It's so strange.

Depression wise, I mean like I said. It's the same. Yes, I am still suicidal. Yes I am still depressed. I'm also now battling severe anxiety. I wake up trembling, and continue to shake all through out the day. Sleeping has been tough. My doctor increased my medication. It doesn't really seem to be helping. I have group tomorrow night and I emailed my group leader over the weekend and told her that I don't feel comfortable sharing with the group everything that's going on with me. I don't want to upset anyone or scare anyone, and I have found that talking about my suicidal thoughts and depression sometimes makes it worse. My group leader wrote back and said she understood and I didn't have to share anything I didn't feel comfortable sharing.

I'm having a ROUGH time with my eating disorder. It's just not good. Absolutely no appetite. I'm very anxious about seeing my dietitian on Wednesday.

I'm going to equine therapy this Saturday. I am SO excited. I can't wait to be reunited with my horse from Remuda Ranch, and some of the staff. I am anxious about getting there. It's about an hour and a half away from me. I hate driving anywhere I've never been to before. I'm going to try and get my mom to take me, just so I have an idea of where to go the next time.

I put together my own "safety plan" for when I have suicidal thoughts or plans. I found this worksheet online and wrote it down in my journal. I'm obviously going to share it with my treatment team. The only blank part on the sheet is when it asks you where is a safe place you can go. I don't really have one.

I have group tomorrow night, dietitian on Wednesday night, and therapy on Thursday morning. I will update over the weekend.

Crash.

Things are not going well, at all. Well, there are a few bright spots, but overall, I'm hanging on by a thread.

I am still suicidal. My psychiatrist brought up the word "hospital" today but I shot that down right away. And he even said he didn't think it would help. So I'm glad that's off the table. He increased my medication and gave me a few names of some other anti-depressants that he's thinking of putting me on. I'm going to research them.

I've had a lot of close calls with the suicide thoughts lately, but so far have managed to keep myself from going through with things. I was telling my dietitian about it last night and I made her cry. I felt so awful about that. She was so sad and so scared. She loves me and cares about me so much and I feel the same about her and it just broke my heart to see her so sad. I never want to be the cause of her pain. Things are going well with food either. I actually lost a considerable amount of weight. It blew my mind when she told me. Because I thought for sure I had gained weight. My dietitian gave me a plan that she really wants me to try. I did pretty good with it today I think.

I am not able to see my therapist this week, unless she has a cancellation. I was called for jury duty on the morning I usually have therapy. I got my psychiatrist to write me a note to get out of it (which I am still debating on using) but my therapist already filled in the spot that I usually see her. At the very least, she said we could have a phone session. I guess that's better than nothing.

I am going to my new church tomorrow night, to hear one of the pastors speak to the young adult group. I am really excited but also really nervous. I hope it will be good, and I hope I will meet people.

I am meeting my second mom for lunch on Saturday. Honestly I am looking forward to this more than anything. She saved my life last week. She kept me from going through with a suicide plan. I sobbed and sobbed in her arms. I wish I lived with her. She's the kind of person that would drop anything to come and make sure I was safe and help me. I've never had anyone like that in my life. I love her so much. I owe her so much. She and my dietitian are the two people in my life that I feel like care about me the most. I know both of them are sad and hurting to see me suffering so much. I don't want them to feel that way. I want to make them proud. I just have to remember that in the moments of complete darkness.

Sleeping through the night and anxiety continue to be a struggle. It's definitely frustrating. What's more frustrating is trying to figure out why I am struggling so much. No one seems to know, not even me. I don't think I fully came out of the darkness of winter time, and when I celebrated my 1 year anniversary in recovery, I acted like I was happy and healthy, but deep down I don't think I really was. I just wanted people to think I was. "God willing, we will get you out of this" is what my psychiatrist said to me tonight. It kind of scared me. I don't know. I know he really cares about me and can help me, but I sensed fear in his voice. I don't blame people for being scared for my physical and mental state these days. Hell, I'm scaring myself. I just have to take it moment to moment. Really, that's all I can do.
My dietitian asked me if I promised I would tell her if I wanted to kill myself. To ease her worry and fear, I said yes. But that's honestly not an honest statement. I just said that to make her feel better. Ugh, I'm so horrible.

Anyway, next week starts a full time schedule with babysitting. 9:30am to 5:30pm every week day with the kids. It's going to be crazy and I'm scared of if it's going to take a toll on me. I will try and update more next week. It's hard to make my thoughts public these days...I hate scaring people.

Can't think of a title

I've been trying to put my eating disorder out of my mind lately. Just not think about it, focus on it, not worry about it, not deal with it. It wasn't the best idea. Because now all of a sudden I have enormous amounts of anxiety at meals. Saturday at lunch with a friend, I nearly had a panic attack when my lunch arrived. I had to force myself to eat. It was so hard and scary, and the food wasn't even a "scary food". After trying to put the anxiety out of my head and not allowing myself to let it out, I went into a state of being numb. It was too much to bear, so I went numb. I'm struggling a lot with restricting, obviously. Going to the grocery store lately has caused a lot of anxiety as well. It's just too complicated, all of this.

My depression is, kind of up and down. I am still having suicidal ideations. It's definitely still scary. I'm working through it though I guess. My therapist gave me a DBT workbook to start working on. We'll see how that goes. I also found out that there is a horse farm an hour away from me that does equine therapy. The horse that I rode at Remuda Ranch is there (Dude), as well as many of the other horses that were at RR when I was. And some of the same staff works there too. My therapist emailed the woman in charge of it, and I am anxiously awaiting a reply. My therapist seems really set on having me do equine therapy, she thinks it could help with a multitude of things I am struggling with. Hopefully this will work out and I will be able to do this! Working with and riding Dude while at Remuda helped me SO much in SO many ways. It would be amazing to be able to work with him again.

I haven't seen my dietitian in 3 weeks, going on 4. We have had scheduling conflicts, on both of our ends. The next time she can see me is next Monday. It's been hard. I definitely need her support right now. Like I said at the beginning of this post, things are so crazy with food right now and I just need her help with getting back on track. Things feel so unstructured and out of control and I just need to have a plan set up with my meals, grocery shopping, etc.

The next two weeks are kind of crazy. I have something to do besides work pretty much every day this week and next week. This Friday I am traveling to Maryland for the weekend with my mom and two sisters for my cousin's bridal shower and bachelorette party. Next Friday is the kids last day of school, and the following week will begin a pretty busy schedule as I will be babysitting all day long instead of just half a day. I'm stressing out about it, worried about how I will be able to fit in all of my appointments and other things. Hopefully it won't be a big deal and everything will work out.

Other than that, my mind is a blur and I've been trying to take things moment to moment. When the suicidal thoughts hit, or the panic attacks, I tend to want to crawl into a hole and die. But they aren't getting worse, which I guess is a positive.

Anyway, more later this week...