Hurting So Much

I am hurting so much these days. I feel so, so much sadness, grief, pain, fear, etc about my traumas. It literally makes me heart ache. I feel it in my chest and in my stomach. Sometimes I just want to scream. I love to write, it's one of my favorite coping skills. But lately that's been too hard because it makes me think about the pain. And I just want it to go away. It feels like it will never stop coming.

Flashbacks are becoming more frequent lately. I'm not sure why, maybe because Winter is when some of the trauma happened. I feel triggered by the smallest things, and it sends me into panic mode. I have had nightmares two nights in a row and it's left me almost non-functional.

I asked my therapist if we could increase our sessions to twice a week, and she is on board with that. So that helped me feel some relief. But it still hurts so much. I never knew it was possible to feel so much pain.

I'm so scared of everything. I wish I could build a bubble around myself and not be in touch with reality.

I cried a little bit about my trauma last night. But not much, because it felt scary and I was alone and I don't want to be alone with those emotions. Night time is the hardest and I have trouble relaxing.

I know I'm not alone, but I'm lonely. I just want someone to wrap me up in their arms and hold me tight until the pain goes away.

This Is What Healing Feels Like

I am in recovery from two things these days; my eating disorder, and my childhood and adult trauma.

The eating disorder recovery has been SUCH a roller coaster. I mean, I've never been able to go a full year in recovery without relapsing in all my 10 years of my ED. And this past summer, I pretty much reached a full blown relapse. I always thought the cause of my eating disorder was my anxiety, my depression, and other insecurities. What I didn't really realize until a month or so ago, is that it was what CAUSED the anxiety, depression, and insecurities that lead to my eating disorder.





What caused the eating disorder was the multiple traumas I have endured throughout my life. My version of coping with my traumas was restricting, binging, binging AND purging, counting calories, obsessing over my appearance and weight, self-mutilation, threatening suicide, and repressing memories.

The past couple of months I have began to fully deal with my trauma with a new therapist. I have been doing such hard work. It's been exhausting, draining, and terrifying. But it's also been immensely healing. For so many years, I used self-destructive behaviors to avoid feeling my feelings. But since a couple months ago when my therapist gave me permission to allow myself to feel sad, hurt, scared, and angry, I have been improving with my recovery from my eating disorder.

I no longer weigh myself. In fact, I am content with my weight, and it's healthy and natural. I don't count calories. I don't obsess in the mirror. I haven't self-harmed in a couple months. I haven't purged since July. I don't really ever think about purging. I don't worry about what I eat. I eat what tastes good, and am learning to trust my hunger cues.

It's weird to say this but...I can see the light at the end of the tunnel with my eating disorder. Weird, but good!

Now I feel like I'm fighting this battle (and winning) with trauma related issues. It's probably the hardest and scariest thing I've ever done. To be raw and vulnerable with my therapist. To work through memories, feelings, flashbacks, and nightmares. I'm having a hard time allowing myself to release the pain. Writing is helping though, and being in therapy. But I've rarely let myself cry. I have SO many new coping skills now that are actually very helpful. And sometimes, nights can be so scary and hard that I put in a phone call to my therapist on her cell phone, like I did tonight. I sobbed my heart out to my therapist over the phone. She knew exactly how to help me though. She talked me through it, let me know it was just a memory, just a wave that's going to eventually pass. She got me breathing again, did some guided imagery with me, calmed me down and eventually the wave passed.

I'm healing my mind, soul, and body these days.