I can do this.

So I've been home...4 weeks? 5 weeks? I've lost count. But I think I have finally settled in. Things are really hard right now though. I was really positive and optimistic about coming home, but it has been so much harder than I thought. Coming from a place of complete structure and accountability to a place where I'm basically on my own is scary. I find it hard to prepare my own meals, drink my weight gain drinks, and go grocery shopping. I think it was really not a good idea to come home still on weight gain (not that I could do anything about it). I see my dietitian once a week and my therapist twice a week. They are both great. I have their support and I know they really care about me, and I trust them. I had a really rough appointment with my dietitian yesterday. My weight was down, and my dietitian noticed that I appeared depressed and fatigued. She just seem really concerned and I just feel really discouraged. I want to lose weight, but I know I can't do that. Even though I really hate my ideal weight, I know that it is necessary to feel happy and healthy. But ED is creeping back in. And it makes me sad. I don't want this anymore. I am sick of it. But ED isn't sick of me, that's the problem. I've wasted 8 years of my life with this stupid disease and I need to just fight like hell and overcome it. But because my depression is creeping back in as well, I am not motivated to do much. The hardest part of my meal plan is breakfast. I am rarely hungry in the morning and I hate breakfast foods. My goal this week is to start adding breakfast back in. I know I need to do it, but it makes me anxious.

On the bright side, I am sleeping really well, and my anxiety is manageable. I love my part time job as a hostess. I love the people I work with, I love the owners. It's like a family. Hopefully I will be able to assistant coach a diving team this summer. That would be awesome. I'm crossing my fingers for that one. Another good thing...I have not purged since before treatment. Which is almost 2 months. That's pretty awesome. And I really don't have any urge to purge either. I love being able to exercise again, just get outside and take a walk. I am so excited for the pool to open so I can swim laps and practice some of my dives.

I miss my horse, Dude. I miss the girls. I miss the support of the girls. I met so many amazing women. Some of them are going to be life long friends. I don't really miss Remuda, I just miss the people, and the constant encouragement. I'm pretty alone here at home. I don't have any friends. My family is who I spend the most time with. I need to get out more. I know I can do it.

My attitude remains positive. I am still hopeful. I still want recovery. And I still believe it is possible for me. I need to glue that "I can do this" attitude into my brain and go with it. I ask for God's help frequently.

All in all, I know I can do this. I know I can get through this rough patch I am experiencing. I have to make it happen, and I will.