I'm lost but I'm hopeful, baby.

The title of this post is from the song "Hand in my Pocket" by Alanis Morissette. Gotta love it.


So, things are going pretty well. I had this sort of...epiphany yesterday. I was driving to a park that I love. I had my window down and it was so pretty outside. While I was driving I was thinking about all the chaos in my head. I was thinking about food, meals plans, snacks, weight gain drinks, body image, weight, numbers, etc. For a moment I felt the breeze on my face and I had moment of peace and quiet. I suddenly said out loud, "Screw it!" I am so tired of playing a tug of war and fighting both sides of my brain. I said to myself that I am just going to eat. I am going to do what my dietitian tells me to do, I'm going to drink my weight gain drinks, and I am going to reach my ideal weight and deal with it when I get there. I sensed and saw how concerned my dietitian was on Wednesday and it scared me. She always says she can never be mad at me. But she should be. I have been screwing around with food since I've been home and I know better than to do that. So I am going to DO better. I really, really hope this feeling lasts. I am so tired of ED. It's been 8 years, which is far too long. Anyway, the title of this post relates to all of this because...I feel so lost in all of this chaos, in the meal plans and such. It's so much. But at the same time. I am hopeful I can manage and reach a place of peace and being okay with who I am. Today also happens to be my 1 month anniversary of being discharged from Remuda. It's gone by so slow. Yet it seems so long ago. It's strange.

I don't have much going on this week. Just work Monday through Thursday. Therapy is Wednesday. I'm not sure when I am seeing my dietitian this week. I'm making some people CD's this week, and catch up on my books. I seriously have 5 or 6 books I want to read right now. One of them my pastor told me to read. It's called "When bad things happen to good people." I want to get through that one, and then I have another one I'm in the middle of called "My Lobotomy: A memoir." And I bought 3 books today. Ahh! I love reading, so I have something to look forward to.

Well I think I might take a little nap before dinner. I will probably go to my parent's house to see my dogs and talk to my mom for a little bit. But I think I'm going to get dinner on my own tonight. I just want to lay in bed and watch movies. I hate waking up on Mondays.

P.S. I just ate a chocolate chip cookie and it was amazing!