So...sorry that I don't update that often. I just haven't felt motivated to do so.
Things are going okay. I had a really rough week last week. I lost my credit card and had to cancel it. My phone froze up and I had to go get it fixed (time for the iPhone). I got in a fender bender, although that turned out okay because no damage was done to me or my car and it wasn't my fault. And then when I saw my dietitian on Wednesday, I saw that I was 1lb over my ideal weight. Granted, I am still in my weight range. But it totally sucks that I'm at my highest weight in several years. And even though I am healthy and this is how it's supposed to be, it doesn't make it any easier. Needless to say, my body image has been beyond horrible. I cried really hard for the first time since being home. I needed to cry and it felt good afterwards, but it still sucked. My anxiety has been a little higher too, and that is frustrating.
I'm scared. I almost had a panic attack over all of this last night. I kept thinking...I don't want to lose what I have worked so hard for these past couple of months. I have been doing so well. I don't want to lose it. I can't. But I feel myself slipping and I want to cry thinking about it. I know better. I know how to say NO to my ED this time around. I need to keep up with my meals and healthy coping skills. I start my new job working with kids tomorrow and I HAVE to be healthy and eating right, otherwise I won't be at my best.
I'm also lonely. I don't have any friends here at home. It makes me miss my Remuda sisters ten times more. I miss that bond we all had. I miss that certain level of understanding, that no one else here gets. I miss the hugs. I miss crying and not feeling weird about it. I even miss having a roommate.
But, I know this isn't defeat. I know that I am still doing pretty well and I need to just go up from here, no going back down. I lean on the fact that I believe in myself and know I can recover and I want to recover. So I just have to make it happen.
An employee from Remuda messaged me last night and told me to listen to a certain song after I had just written her about my recent struggles. It was totally what I needed to hear. I now listen to it every morning.
"Voice of Truth" by Casting Crowns
I completely understand everything you wrote. I have been really struggling as well recently with the same issues as you. Not sure why I decided to torture myself with a Shopping Challenge today. I may have lost too. I went to a clothing store that I used to shop at a lot and so I remember how their clothing sizes run. I felt so defeated each time I glanced at the tiny sizes because I am fully aware that those will definitely not fit anymore. And being surrounded by mirrors was tough too. So i just grabbed a pair of jeans, a few tops, paid and got the heck outta there. I hate that I wish I could intentionally relapse. I hate that I know better so I don't. I hate that I have no one to talk about it with because it seems to insult others who are bigger than I am when they hear me say I am fat. I too miss RR when everyone knew exactly what it feels like to cry over 1 lb. or that eating that first bite of fear food. Just know that you do have friends who love you. We just live a little farther away now.
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