but I'm telling myself I'll be okay

Sorry I haven't been writing much. My laptop has to be sent away for 2-4 weeks to be fixed. It's so frustrating! There has been a lot going on, so I'm at my parent's house currently on their computer and I figured I would write an update.

It's been 2 months since I left treatment and have been in recovery. It feels good. I never thought it was possible, but it is. The past couple of weeks have been my hardest since I have been home. My anxiety has been pretty high and that makes meal time hard. I lose my appetite and even though I want to eat, I don't feel hunger. It's really hard because I have to fight the anxiety and eat anyway. I'm not really sure why my anxiety is so high. I think it could be a couple different things. All the drama going on with "the boy". I need to stand my ground with this situation and use good boundaries. It's very confusing. I will figure it out though. Also, I'm having a hard time with my therapist. I have been seeing her over a year and this is the first time that I have felt our connection is sort of falling apart. It's a very scary and lonely situation. I have emailed her my concerns about it and she thinks it has to do with the fact that we are talking about boundaries in thearpy, and somehow it's transfering over to our relationship. I really hope we can work this out. There really are no other therapists in my town that deal with eating disorders. It will work out, I hope.
My jobs are going well. I'm still hostessing during the day, and coaching diving in the evenings. I like my jobs, but I'm short on money and that is very stressful. I just got a huge bill from my dietitian and there is no way I can afford it. So my parent's have to pay it. I'm scared to give them the bill in person, so I'm just leaving it on my Dad's desk. Is that bad? I am constantly worrying about money. Once I start getting paychecks from my coaching job, it shouldn't be as bad.
I had the best day this weekend. On Saturday, two of my friends from Remuda came down for the day and visited. We had so much fun. We went to the Greek Festival and then we went to the tattoo parlor. Erin got her cartilage pierced. Michelle wanted to get something done, but didn't. And I finally got the tattoo I wanted. I got the bird flying out of the birdcage on my hip. It symbolizes freedom and recovery so it's really special to me. My parent's were SO mad. They aren't really speaking to me right now. Which, is really upsetting actually. I wish they could understand it. Maybe they will come around. Anyway, it was so awesome to spend the day with Erin and Michelle. We laughed and talked so much. It was just awesome to have some company.
Things with my meals are...going okay. It could be a lot better. I have been slipping some. My dietitian tells me nothing about my weight, just if it's in the range or not. Right now I am still in my range. But I could tell by her face last week that it wasn't good. I need to just do this. I know I can. I KNOW it. I've done it before. I have to just push through any doubts or fears and remind myself that I can do this. And that the ED is horrible and painful and recovery is amazing and SO worth it. You know, it's scary, so scary to think about relapse. Sometimes I obsess about it. But what my therapist told me, and is so true, is that I cannot think about that. I have to think about what I want, I have to think about moving forward, to what's ahead. There is so much out there for me, for everyone struggling with this disease.

Current theme songs:

A little bit stronger - Sara Evans
Hair - Lady GaGa
Give it all away - Aaron Shust <--- Have to listen to this one!