I guess the words to describe what I am feeling are...confused, frustrated, angry, depressed, and done. To me, it feels like I'm almost at a crossroads in my recovery. It's so tempting to go back to what is normal for me. It would be so easy, so familiar and comfortable. Yet, there is a part of me, this fairly new part of me, that for several months, actually imagined myself without an eating disorder. I could almost feel what it would feel like. It was very freeing, it was happy, it was something I thought I would never feel. That part of me is still there somewhere. I want to get back in touch with it. But I cannot find the motivation to find the motivation to do that (if that makes sense). It's a miserable feeling. I am terrified of never getting that motivation back. I'm used to not getting it back. I'm used to just existing and not living. What makes this time different?
The more I think about it, the more I want to get back to the Holly that I was right after Remuda. I don't want to relapse EVER again. I want this to be it.
What is making it so hard right now? I don't understand that. Am I not working hard enough? I feel like I have been working my butt off at recovery. I guess I need to try harder.
I'm almost at this point where I'm done. I want to turn my phone off. Stop communicating with my friends (who mean the world to me), stop talking to people, stop coming to therapy, etc.
But I just feel so...lost and incredibly frustrated and pissed off. For some reason I am angry at people who have completely recovered. It doesn't make sense to me. How does that work? I don't get how you can not have an ED at all anymore. It also makes me incredibly jealous and envious. And that something must be wrong with me that 9 years into my eating disorder, I still haven't managed to recover. It's scary and irritating.
My therapist and dietitian are absolutely wonderful and amazing people. I feel like they deserve so much more than what I am giving them. I wish I had the motivation to try harder. I don't understand what is wrong with me. I'm scared to let go completely of my ED. ED is my worth, the reason people care about me and love me, the reason I get attention and support. Without ED, I am nothing and I don't know who I would be. I guess recovery is a lot about figuring out who you are without ED. I'm having a hard time with that.
Motivation is something I don't have a lot of. I never really have, unless it came to sports. I could wake up at 5am every morning and do sports all day long and not give a second thought about it. I loved it more than anything. But school, recovery, work, my social life, or lack there of...I have a lack of motivation.
So...yeah. No one will probably comment on this. I'm not an inspiration anymore. I'm boring and typical. It's depressing and pathetic.
You aren't pathetic! These are normal thoughts for recovery. If it makes you feel any better, I have the SAME thoughts. Almost exactly as you described. But the thing you have to acknowledge is that you haven't gone back to who you were BEFORE Remuda. Recovery has it ups and downs. And you are an inspiration because you havent given up.
ReplyDeleteKeeo on Truckin'.
You are inspiring, your not pathetic by any means.
ReplyDeleteI wish I had more to say to this post, but it describes how I feel exactly. Thank you for making me feel like I am not alone.
You are NOT pathetic and boring. I went to Remuda too, did you also go to the life program?
ReplyDeleteYou CAN do this. I understand recovery is hard as hell. i go through periods or giving up...then get back up. I'm in this with you!
xoxo
-Lis
Wow. I understand AND relate. First, YOU ARE NOT PATHETIC! I think this IS a normal part of the process. You will have ups and downs. My therapists prepared me for this when I came home from inpatient last summer. I came home thinking, "ok. all is well". Since then, wow...there have been struggles! I am in a big one right now. I am like you that I can muster up all the motivation to, for example, run X miles, but this recovery thing, at times, 0 motivation. Does it help you to make a list of the reasons you need this. The person you will be without this. The things you will be able to do? (ie a pro/con list). We made that in therapy and it helps to review it. In fact, I may review mine today. I am in need of a recharge! Your post inspired me today!
ReplyDeleteYou are not boring and depressing. It is an insurmountable task to take on recovery. And it doesn't happen overnight. I've been struggling for 16 years and still have to fight every single day. Some days are worse than others. Just lean on what you learned in Remuda. You are very lucky that your parents paid for you to go twice. You said you want to be the Holly that came back from Remuda? Use the tools your treatment team has given you and be better than that. You can do it.
ReplyDeleteYou are not pathetic. Recovery is rough. There will be good days, bad days and then the days we don't talk about. The fact you were able to write about it and get your feelings out shows that you are not ready to give up. Just take it one step at a time! Stay strong!
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