Complete Rambling

I guess the words to describe what I am feeling are...confused, frustrated, angry, depressed, and done. To me, it feels like I'm almost at a crossroads in my recovery. It's so tempting to go back to what is normal for me. It would be so easy, so familiar and comfortable. Yet, there is a part of me, this fairly new part of me, that for several months, actually imagined myself without an eating disorder. I could almost feel what it would feel like. It was very freeing, it was happy, it was something I thought I would never feel. That part of me is still there somewhere. I want to get back in touch with it. But I cannot find the motivation to find the motivation to do that (if that makes sense). It's a miserable feeling. I am terrified of never getting that motivation back. I'm used to not getting it back. I'm used to just existing and not living. What makes this time different?
The more I think about it, the more I want to get back to the Holly that I was right after Remuda. I don't want to relapse EVER again. I want this to be it.
What is making it so hard right now? I don't understand that. Am I not working hard enough? I feel like I have been working my butt off at recovery. I guess I need to try harder.
I'm almost at this point where I'm done. I want to turn my phone off. Stop communicating with my friends (who mean the world to me), stop talking to people, stop coming to therapy, etc.

But I just feel so...lost and incredibly frustrated and pissed off. For some reason I am angry at people who have completely recovered. It doesn't make sense to me. How does that work? I don't get how you can not have an ED at all anymore. It also makes me incredibly jealous and envious. And that something must be wrong with me that 9 years into my eating disorder, I still haven't managed to recover. It's scary and irritating.
My therapist and dietitian are absolutely wonderful and amazing people. I feel like they deserve so much more than what I am giving them. I wish I had the motivation to try harder. I don't understand what is wrong with me. I'm scared to let go completely of my ED. ED is my worth, the reason people care about me and love me, the reason I get attention and support. Without ED, I am nothing and I don't know who I would be. I guess recovery is a lot about figuring out who you are without ED. I'm having a hard time with that.
Motivation is something I don't have a lot of. I never really have, unless it came to sports. I could wake up at 5am every morning and do sports all day long and not give a second thought about it. I loved it more than anything. But school, recovery, work, my social life, or lack there of...I have a lack of motivation.

So...yeah. No one will probably comment on this. I'm not an inspiration anymore. I'm boring and typical. It's depressing and pathetic.

Well shit.

I don't even want to write what I'm about to write. But here it goes.

I just relapsed with self-harm. I could feel it coming for the past several days. I wanted to desperately to fight it. But it was one of those instances where I could think of nothing else, and it was if my body was frozen in time. I almost self-harmed last night, but texted my therapist and she talked me out of it. I didn't even text my therapist this time. I just had to do it. I know that is stupid fucking thing to say. I was so miserable though. I felt stupid, ugly, fat, gross, dirty, out of control, alone, depressed, ashamed, etc. It was too much. I could not get over the disgust I feel about my body. I hate saying "no one understands", but that's how I truly feel sometimes. I have been at a consistent weight the past 8 years. Unhealthy weight at times, but consistent. I have always been toned and super muscular; a body every one wants. And since entering recovery, I know longer have that body and it hurts. I was at a healthy weight 10lbs ago. Yet I continued to gain. Everyone says your body takes a while for your weight to even out. Yet I have either kept gaining, or maintained. I want to be in the weight range the dietitians at Remuda gave to me. I want to lose weight.

But tonight was not about losing weight. It was about the torture inside my head. I have been so depressed the past few days. Do I feel better after cutting? Honestly...yes, I do. I know this will make everyone on my treatment team sad and disappointed, and that kills me. As bad as it sounds, I am really glad I did not purge. If I had purged, I think I would have felt a lot worse. Yes, I do feel bad about cutting. But it's not something I have had to work as hard at as cutting.


I know this is just a slip, not a relapse. I can choose where I go from here. And I choose to not slip up. I will tell my therapist. I will text her tomorrow. I will move on.

Anyway, I'm going to bed. More tomorrow.