It's been awhile

Sorry for the lack of blog posts you guys. Things have been really hectic and busy and chaotic lately. This week I have been nannying full time because the kids are out of school on Winter Break. I have had to be at their house every day at 8:30 am until 5:30 pm. It's been kind of crazy, but also fun! For the most part the kids have been behaving well, with the exception of some issues here and there. But it has been to hang out with them. I swear, I feel like I am part of their family now. Jane (the mom) always comments about how I am now part of their family and I can't escape them! I just love all of them so much!

I've still been having a rough go with depression. It's mainly just the holidays that are coming up. I'm just not really into it this year. I just want to survive it and get through it and hopefully things will improve soon. I think also my depression has to do with some family drama and money stress that's been going on with me.

As far as food goes, eh well it's been okay. I've really not had the opportunity to skip meals this week because I've been spending so much time with the kids. On Tuesday we went to lunch at a pizza buffet. This is really the first buffet I have encountered since being in recovery. It really messed with me. I felt like I ate SO much. I felt completely out of control and almost felt like I couldn't stop myself. I ALMOST purged. I came so freaking close. It freaked me out so much that I emailed my dietitian. She told me that overeating sometimes is perfectly normal, and that she is so proud of me for not purging. I'm so glad I didn't because I know I would have regretted it.

I had group on Wednesday night and it was so, so great. I just vented about everything that's been going on and I got so much great feedback and support from the other women and my group leader. I am so very thankful I have this safe haven in my life. We share our struggles, but we also share our accomplishments as well as our laughter. I am so blessed.

I have been becoming closer to Jane (the mom of the kids I babysit for). I opened up to her and her husband about my past struggles with my eating disorder. I didn't really divulge details. But I was telling them how my friend Michelle (from Remuda) was coming to visit me last weekend and Jane asked where I knew her from and I just couldn't lie. So I told her the truth. She was totally and completely awesome about it. I found myself shaking as I told her. Not that I was embarrassed or ashamed or anything, but I was just nervous that she would look at my differently or something. But that was not the case at all. As I was leaving that night she was like, "thanks for telling us!" And I said, "thanks for being so accepting!" And she responded, "I'm so proud of you!" Ahh, I almost started crying. I am just so glad I told them and that she ended up being so accepting and awesome about it!
I've been having some boy drama lately and I was telling her all about it the other night and we ended up talking about it for like an hour. She's awesome, needless to say.

I am done Christmas shopping. I finished yesterday. I am pretty excited about all of the gifts that I got for everyone! That's my favorite part, giving gifts! I hope everyone likes what I got them. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve (crazy!) and we are having a family party at my parent's house. There is going to be a lot of good food and drinks, so I am excited about that. I'm also excited about getting dressed up and doing my hair and all of that fun stuff. The party will probably last until about 9ish, and then I am going to church at 11pm. And then my sisters and I all spend the night at my parent's house and we do presents on Christmas morning!

Well, that's basically all that's going on right now. I think my friends Michelle and Erin are coming to visit me next week. I am kind of stressing over that because I have so much cleaning to do in my house. My house just feels gross and cluttered and dirty. AH. Anyway...that's all for now!

Merry Christmas everyone!

Amazing.

Forgive me if I don't go into much detail in this post. Today was a very important, meaningful, as well as exhausting day. So I am very tired and as soon as I finish this post, I am going up to bed. And it's only 8pm.

Today I went with my therapist to the school where my trauma took place. I didnt sleep well at all last night. because I was so nervous, and in so much pain. I think I have a pinched nerve in my back. So I woke up this morning for therapy and I wasnt as nervous as I thought. So, as we drove up to the school, I kind of stopped breathing. It was...crazy. It looked pretty much the same. Then we started walking the grounds. And the first place we walked was to the side of the building where the rooms were that it happened. That was kind of a scary moment. My therapist peeked in the windows, while I just sort of looked around. And then I looked in the windows. And I saw the staircase that I used to go down to the basement where it happened. And it looked the same. Dark and dreary. And I had to step away at that point. That was really...intense. All the memories came flooding back. So then we walked around to where the art building and music building was, and the back yard (the school is an old mansion that was turned into a school. So it's not a typical looking school). And that was cool to reflect on like the good memories and things I had forgotten about. And then we walked back to the part of the building where the abuse took place. We sat down and I read out loud the letters I had written. I wrote one to my abuser, and one to my 11 year old self. That was hard. I had to stop and take deep breaths a couple of times. And, I just thought I was going to take the letters back with me. But my therapist was like, well why dont you rip them up and throw them in the dumpster (which was right near where we were sitting). And I hadn't thought of that... and honestly it made me a little bit sad. I felt like if I did that, then I was like...losing the parts of myself that had conquered my past and grown from it. I know that sounds strange. But then I thought, well I want to let go of the shame, guilt, and regret. And this would be appropriate. So I ripped them up and threw them in the dumpster. After I did that, I looked down on the ground...and there was a heart shaped rock. And I of course picked it up and took it with me. You know it's weird. I thought I was going to be like a super mess and overwhelmed. And in between jobs today I did sit in my car and cried for a while. I think it was just relief that I felt. Now I feel...tired, and proud.

So that was my day. I officially made the decision to cut back on therapy, and I am confident in my decision. So I won't be seeing my therapist until two weeks from now. I of course can email/call/text her if I need to. I see my dietitian tomorrow and that should go well. Things have been a little difficult with food lately, but nothing horrible. I am sure I will get back on track.

Today marks 8 months in recovery. I honestly have never felt better and as hopeful as I do now. It's amazing. Recovery is amazing. I am so proud of all the super hard work I have done, and am still doing. I never thought recovery was something I could do, or even deserved. But now I believe in myself and recovery. It just seems to keep getting better. Never imagined that!

Well, I am off to bed. Thank God tomorrow is Friday! My family and I are going to cut down a Christmas tree this weekend! I love Christmas time!