It's strange...

It's strange how 6+ months ago I thought I was moving beyond my trauma, even though I knew I was keeping a secret about it. Now, here I am going through it again. It's painful, scary, and overwhelming. Luckily, I have a wonderful therapist who is helping me through it. As well as a very understanding and supportive boss. Secrets keep you sick, and I was keeping a deep, dark secret. I think I'm on my way to healing, but right now it feels like my brain is exploding and my body is falling apart and everything causes panic. It's just not fair.

The eating disorder continues to be a monster in my life. Some days it goes away and I eat without thought and worry. Other days, the thought of food makes me sick and I choose not to eat. It's not about feeling fat, or being scared of gaining weight. It never was. It's the anxiety. The anxiety that is always there. I just want to be free of it, of all that holds me down.

I feel like I have to apologize for my disorders, for my issues, and for needing help. I feel stupid, unworthy, and undeserving, even though people tell me I am none of those things. My therapist said, "you aren't stupid, you are brave."  And yeah, I am using an insane amount of courage right now to deal with my trauma. But talking about it still makes me feel stupid.

Physically, the anxiety is attacking my body. I tremble and shake all over. I've had a migraine for 5 days. I cannot sleep. I cannot eat. I am having panic attacks. There is a huge amount of anxiety that I think is coming from the huge amount of emotions I am keeping inside. I need a release. I need to cry, scream, jump up and down, or something. I know this gets said a lot, but I literally feel like I could explode any minute.

But, day by day I somehow make it through. That's really the only way. Looking ahead a week or even 2 days will cause me even more anxiety. I am choosing to heal, to be honest, and to be brave. Day by day, I am surviving this.

this and that.

I'm currently at the beach on vacation. It is Heaven here. The weather is perfect and I love the beach so I am feeling super relaxed. We are here (my family and I) until next Sunday. Which means I will be spending my birthday here, which I have NO problem with.

Things are a little complicated down here though. Wednsday, the day before we left for the beach, I was diving off the diving board at the pool with the kids. I was a competitive diver for 13 years so it wasn't like I didn't know what I was doing, but it had been a while since I had seriously dived. I was doing a very simple front dive in the pike position, a dive I have done millions and millions of times. I'm exactly sure what happened, but I lost control and was going faster and higher than I intended. My arms flew backward at an awkward angle and I immidietly felt something hurt in my left shoulder. I got out of the pool and was in pretty bad pain. At first I thought I had dislocated my shoulder, but nothing looked wrong and I didn't know what I had done. My hands and fingers began to go numb and tingly and as the day went on my arm felt numb, heavy, and useless, and my shoulder still hurt. I went to an orthopedic urgent care after work and had x rays done. I did not have a total dislocation of my shoulder, however I did have a partial dislocation (also called a subluxation) meaning my shoulder joint popped out and right back in by itself, and I also have a possible torn labrum. I was given a sling and painkillers. I'm kind of bummed this happened before the beach, but at least it's nothing more serious. My shoulder is still hurting me. When I get back from vacation I have to see a specialist and go from there.

I have news. I have decided to switch therapists. I have already had an intake type appointment with one and have chosen to work with her. I really liked the vibe I got from her and I really think she will be able to help me. My current therapist knows not much about this. She knows I was thinking about switching and was looking into other therapists. But she was on vacation this week and so I wasn't able to see her and tell her what's going on. I have no idea how I'm going to tell her. I don't feel bad, I just want to do it the right way. She helped me for almost 3 years and now it's time to move on. I have an appointment with her the Friday I get back, but I'm not sure I want to keep it. I was thinking of emailing her and telling her I no longer need her. Would that be rude? I need opinions here.

I saw my dietitian 4 times in 1 week. I have been struggling majorly with restricting and my weight shows it. It's a very slow weight loss, but still worrysome. I am hoping that while I am at the beach I will be more relaxed and eating will come easier. So far, that's not really how it's going. I mean eating is better, but not ideal to my dietitian. I have major, major anxiety surrounding anything to do with food. It's incredibly frustrating.

My intake appointment with the new therapist brought up some old (but also new) emotions and thoughts. She asked about things that I haven't really in depth talked about in a while, or at all. I have been a little depressed from it, and I'm eager to continue to talk about it with her. I need to get out my journal and write it down.

It's stressful at times being down here with my family 24/7. My dad annoys the hell out of me. I can't seem to get away from it. It's so frustrating. UGH.

Anyway, that's it with me. For now.

Hospital

On Friday I was discharged from the psychiatric hospital. I was there for 6 days. The story of why I went and how I got there isn't that important, just that I knew I couldn't stay safe any longer and that if I didn't go in, then I would definitely take my own life. I chose a hospital two hours away from me, because they had an eating disorder unit that I was hopefully planning on moving over to. In the end, my shitty insurance denied coverage for me to go the eating disorder unit. It was one of the most frustrating and disappointing experiences. I needed the help with my ED, but my insurance company disagreed.

When I found out about that, I decided to come home. I was no longer suicidal or severely depressed. My medications had been stabilized. I came home and while I still have my job (thank God), I am taking this week off because my boss wants me to get myself situated back home and then return to work on Monday. My therapist wants me to go to a treatment center for my ED. But I declined. I have my job, my vacation, and rent to pay. And if I can get myself together while staying at home, then I won't need to go to treatment. I have two treatment centers in mind, in case things don't go as I hope.

So now I am doing a form of intensive outpatient therapy with my team. I will be seeing my dietitian and my therapist twice a week. I'm not sure if I have a time limit as to when I have to be improving by, or whatever. I saw my therapist yesterday and it was an okay session, although I have some doubts about her and I'm not sure who to talk to about that. I see my dietitian tonight, and I am beyond excited because it has been too long since I've last seen her and I miss her bunches. But I'm also nervous for that appointment because I'm sure she will be giving me a meal plan and other instructions, and I have lost weight so I'm worried about the possibility of weight gain drinks.

My parents are pretty much monitoring everything I do, even though I don't live with them. They supply my meals and make me stay at their house during the day. It's hard to get away from behaviors unless my mom has a really busy day at work like she had yesterday and today.

I guess...it is what it is. And I've realized that it's up to me, and only me, to decide to start improving and eating the way I should. No one can make me. Sure, I have tons of support. But no one can do it for me. I have to decide for myself. Which is honestly, terrifying. I have been reminded that I had a good full year of recovery, so that means I can get back to that. I don't know what went wrong or why, but maybe that doesn't matter now. Maybe I just have to get myself together and do what is right.

Anyway, I will try and keep this blog updated. Hope all is well with everyone.

A revelation and other things...

Tonight, I took the kids I nanny to diving practice. This is the same pool I coached at last summer, so I know a lot of the people there. I have known for years that my old therapist and her family belong there as well. And I even ran into her last summer. Tonight I ran into her again. I actually went up to her. I saw her as a therapist for 5 years and it was an intense and sometimes complicated and unhealthy relationship, and in the end I chose to leave her because things were too messy. But I hold no hard feelings against her. She saved my life in a lot of ways and saw me through the hellish years of high school. So, even though I get nervous when I see her, I never pass up an opportunity to go up and talk to her. And so that is what I did. She gave me a big hug and we talked for about 10 minutes. Just catching her up on where I am working these days, talking about our dogs, where I am living, and other gossip. At one point she said to me, "Well, you look wonderful!" To which I replied with, "Thank you! I have gained a lot of weight..." She said, "but you look healthy and happy".  To most people in recovery from an eating disorder, the word "healthy" is not a positive compliment. And usually I roll my eyes to myself when someone says that because I don't think they really mean that, blah blah blah. But when she said it to me, I felt that she meant it. I felt that she was happy for me. She also mentioned that it seemed like I was doing really well. The topic of my eating disorder and other related issues never came up, but perhaps what she was seeing was my "inner light", which so many people have told me over the past year that I have such a thing.  It motivated me to start doing better with life, with recovery. For so long I have wanted and tried to be sicker in order to gain attention and so-called praise. But tonight, something switched on (or off) in my brain. I realized how happy this person was for me. And she wasn't just some unimportant person in my life. She knew me like the back of her hand and knew all my deepest, darkest secrets. She was genuine in her compliments for me and it made me feel happy.

Depression wise, things are kind of at a stand still. That heaviness I was feeling is still there, though not quite as intense. I think I'm more numb than anything. Although, sometimes I wonder if I can really tell at all how I'm feeling. I'm not quite sure. It's frustrating. Thoughts of suicide are definitely still there, especially when I think about my future. I'm trying really hard to push through that, and of course stay honest with those thoughts.
I started a new medication for my depression. It's called Abilify and I am taking it in addition to the Prozac. It's make me pretty nauseous, but that's really the only side effect. I've only been on it a few days. Hopefully it will start to work soon.

Things with food are pretty okay. 2 weeks no purging. I struggle with restricting here and there, especially on the days that my anxiety is sky-high. It's by no means normal, or anywhere close to it. I'm scared of eating normal, of gaining weight. Speaking of that, I'm having a horrible time with body image. Especially since now the weather is so hot that I have to wear shorts. I try to remind myself of how strong my body is now, and that I'm healthy. Even though I know about where my weight is right now, I am making myself not look at my weight at my dietitian appointments, or using the scale at work. It gets me no where.

Tomorrow and Friday I have therapy and dietitian appointments. I'm pretty anxious about them. I do have a lot going on and I just hope I can find the strength to stay honest and use the tools and wisdom my treatment team provides me with.

Amazing.

Forgive me if I don't go into much detail in this post. Today was a very important, meaningful, as well as exhausting day. So I am very tired and as soon as I finish this post, I am going up to bed. And it's only 8pm.

Today I went with my therapist to the school where my trauma took place. I didnt sleep well at all last night. because I was so nervous, and in so much pain. I think I have a pinched nerve in my back. So I woke up this morning for therapy and I wasnt as nervous as I thought. So, as we drove up to the school, I kind of stopped breathing. It was...crazy. It looked pretty much the same. Then we started walking the grounds. And the first place we walked was to the side of the building where the rooms were that it happened. That was kind of a scary moment. My therapist peeked in the windows, while I just sort of looked around. And then I looked in the windows. And I saw the staircase that I used to go down to the basement where it happened. And it looked the same. Dark and dreary. And I had to step away at that point. That was really...intense. All the memories came flooding back. So then we walked around to where the art building and music building was, and the back yard (the school is an old mansion that was turned into a school. So it's not a typical looking school). And that was cool to reflect on like the good memories and things I had forgotten about. And then we walked back to the part of the building where the abuse took place. We sat down and I read out loud the letters I had written. I wrote one to my abuser, and one to my 11 year old self. That was hard. I had to stop and take deep breaths a couple of times. And, I just thought I was going to take the letters back with me. But my therapist was like, well why dont you rip them up and throw them in the dumpster (which was right near where we were sitting). And I hadn't thought of that... and honestly it made me a little bit sad. I felt like if I did that, then I was like...losing the parts of myself that had conquered my past and grown from it. I know that sounds strange. But then I thought, well I want to let go of the shame, guilt, and regret. And this would be appropriate. So I ripped them up and threw them in the dumpster. After I did that, I looked down on the ground...and there was a heart shaped rock. And I of course picked it up and took it with me. You know it's weird. I thought I was going to be like a super mess and overwhelmed. And in between jobs today I did sit in my car and cried for a while. I think it was just relief that I felt. Now I feel...tired, and proud.

So that was my day. I officially made the decision to cut back on therapy, and I am confident in my decision. So I won't be seeing my therapist until two weeks from now. I of course can email/call/text her if I need to. I see my dietitian tomorrow and that should go well. Things have been a little difficult with food lately, but nothing horrible. I am sure I will get back on track.

Today marks 8 months in recovery. I honestly have never felt better and as hopeful as I do now. It's amazing. Recovery is amazing. I am so proud of all the super hard work I have done, and am still doing. I never thought recovery was something I could do, or even deserved. But now I believe in myself and recovery. It just seems to keep getting better. Never imagined that!

Well, I am off to bed. Thank God tomorrow is Friday! My family and I are going to cut down a Christmas tree this weekend! I love Christmas time!

Rough couple of days

So, I've had a rough couple of days.

I saw my dietitian last night and I finally opened up to her about my trauma. She already knew that something had happened, but didn't know much more than that. She told me she would be there for me when I was ready to talk to her about it. Last night I felt like I was in a safe enough place to do that. Pretty much halfway through talking about it I started to feel sick to my stomach. I probably should have stopped at that point, but I didn't. I did really want to tell my dietitian about it, and I knew she cared and would love me and support me regardless. But I also felt like if I told her I couldn't talk about it anymore, then I would be letting her down. I don't regret telling her, and I really felt the love from her (as I do every time I see her). At the end of our session she weighed me. It really got to me because...well I've been weighing myself. And the scale I have in my house is obviously different than my dietitian's. And so the number I saw last night at our appointment was pretty different than the number I saw the day before. But my dietitian explained to me that the number I was seeing at home was probably more accurate because, when she weighs me I'm wearing clothes, it's the end of the day, I have food in my stomach, etc. But it still upset me. And it just pissed me of and I was like, "Fuck the number on the scale!"
So, at the end of our session my dietitian walked down the parking lot with me because I was her last client of the day. I was getting pretty choked up on the elevator ride down. And I saw her look over at me, but she didn't say anything. When we got out to the parking lot, she put her stuff down, pulled me into her and gave me a big kiss on my forehead (I love when she does that) and held me for a long time. I just felt so safe and so loved in that moment. Noting I told her about my abuse made her think of me differently or think I was gross or stupid. She consoled me and comforted me. It felt really good. I really needed that.
But on my drive home I realized I needed to stop somewhere and get dinner. I was still feeling pretty sick from talking about my trauma. I bought dinner, and I ate it. But then I just...I don't know I really had an anxiety attack. I can't even remember now what was going on, but I just felt like I SO done talking about my abuse. I was done. I just don't want to talk about it ever again. It just makes me feel like crap. And then I got REALLY pissed off. Like really mad. Not at myself, but at my abusers. I just wanted to scream like...what the hell, why did you do this to me, fuck you, you ruined me. And then..and I don't know why..but I got mad at myself. Well, I do know why, but I just don't feel like getting into it because it's going to make me feel like crap.
So at this point, I wasn't feel too safe. I wanted to either binge/purge, or self harm. I texted my therapist. She told me to take deep breaths and go to sleep. I tried both but my mind was racing. I ended up self-harming. <--- Fail.

So, I woke up this morning and I was really sick. My throat hurt really bad yesterday, but today it hurt even worse. My voice was really hoarse. I was congested. I felt feverish and achy. I went to work, ate breakfast (even though I didn't want to). Work was pretty slow, so that was nice. Then I ate lunch (even though I didn't want to) and went to my next job. My therapist had texted me and asked how I was doing today. I told her about the self-harming last night. She just made sure I had something to do tonight to make sure I was safe. I took my temperature at my babysitting job and I had a low grade fever. I called the mom of the kids because I didn't know if she wanted me to go home so I wouldn't get the kids sick or whatever, but she said to just let the kids play outside and she was going to be home early anyway.

So, I went to my parent's house after work and had dinner there and watched TV. This night has been a lot better. I've been pretty numb emotionally today, but maybe that's just because I'm sick. I really hope tomorrow is better...in all ways.

I heard a song today that I wanted to share with yall because it just touched me so much and has such a great message. It's called "If You Want Me To" by Ginny Owens. Look it up! ;)

You have three choices...

You have three choices. You can either let it define you, you can let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you.

I saw the above quote today and I fell in love with it. What makes this quote so significant for me that that the "it" that the quote is talking about is an eating disorder, well at least that's my interpretation. I have experienced all three of the choices in this quote. I made my ED my identity for the past 8, almost 9, years. Yes I was an athlete, I was a daughter, a sister, a friend, but I was consumed by my ED and that, in my opinion, was my only worth, as crazy as that sounds. The second choice, well it didn't destroy me to the point where I died, but I certaintly have come close. I almost killed myself twice in February. I also had heart palpitations, horrible lab work, and I was vomiting blood. I really did almost die. And that leaves the third choice. You can let it strengthen you. Well here I am, 7 months out of treatment and 7 months into recovery. I can say with complete certainty that it has made me stronger. I can see so clearly now, and the little things in life that get most people down so easily, don't shake me up too much. I just feel stronger. It's kind of hard to give examples. But I have learned so much about myself and my life, and I really feel I am better in all areas, because of my struggles.


I saw my dietitian tonight. We had another good session. It seems that as each day goes by I feel more and more stronger than ED. For example, this week I have had little to no appetite. In the past I would have just resorted to my ED and skipped meals or b/p. But I have eaten all three meals every single day this week, for the second week in a row. My dietitian was beaming over this fact. "That's so awesome!" I love when she says that. It makes me smile. Lately it's been all about ignoring ED and doing what is right. Feeding myself, nourishing myself. It's totally the right thing to do, but totally hard, and totally possible. My dietitian wants to keep seeing me on a weekly basis because even though I am doing better with my food, I'm still pretty fragile about it. And because I was so stressed out this week, I had increased urges to b/p and restrict. She just wants to keep all of that in check, and I am perfectly okay with that. I also brought up my concern with her about how I have cravings for sweets and so-called junk foods. I said that 9 times out of 10 I don't buy these foods because I'm scared of them, I'm scared of bingeing on them. I also am scared that eating them will cause more weight gain. She said that it is perfectly normal to want to eat those foods, and even more normal to actually eat them.

Therapy was good on Thursday. I didn't really have anything pressing I needed to talk about, so we just sort of talked about other stuff. It was a good session. I felt upbeat and energetic the rest of the day. I guess I will just deal with whatever comes up and not look for things to talk about. Although sometimes I think that's not a bad idea. Sometimes my therapist points things out to me that maybe I should spend more time on, but not lately.

Anyway, that's all I have for now. I am SO glad it is Friday. I get to sleep in tomorrow, and Sunday, and Monday. Even though I do have to babysit tomorrow night. It's all good though!

Day 1

I am now on day 1 of no self harm. I feel much better tonight. I texted my therapist today and told her about it. I was really nervous that she was going to get mad. But she wasn't. She was really concerned though. She helped me put together a plan for tonight to stay safe. I had dinner by myself tonight, instead of with my parents...because they have been stressing me out lately. I went to the library and got some new books, then I went to the grocery store and got dinner and some other things I needed, and now I'm sitting on the couch watching Law and Order. I suddenly got really tired when I sat down, and the day is catching up with me. I had a full day of work. My shift at the restaurant wasn't too busy, and then today with the kids was pretty easy. The youngest one made me play football and basketball with him, which I am sure is one of the reasons I am so tired. And then me and one of the girls made chocolate chip cookies from scratch which were delicious! So, it was a good day.

I am really thankful for the support from Erin last night. I wished I would have texted her before I self-harmed, but I am glad she was there for me afterwards. I don't have many people I can tell those things too. I am glad she understands on some level.

Tomorrow should be a good day. I have a massage in the morning which I am SO looking forward to. My friend Karen is giving me the massage and so it will be good to see her and talk to her as well. I know her words will help me feel better. That's really the only exciting thing happening tomorrow, but it should be enough to get me through the day.

Wednesday is going to be boring. Thursday I have therapy (thank God) and Friday should be boring too. But this weekend I am going out of town with my family and I am SO excited. I can't even explain the place because it is so wonderful. It's called The Homestead. But it's a 5 star resort in the mountains with a spa, indoor and outdoor pool, horseback riding, tea time (yes, they schedule a time for tea), really beautiful scenery, and super comfortable bed. It's going to be great!

Anyway, that's it for now!

Well shit.

I don't even want to write what I'm about to write. But here it goes.

I just relapsed with self-harm. I could feel it coming for the past several days. I wanted to desperately to fight it. But it was one of those instances where I could think of nothing else, and it was if my body was frozen in time. I almost self-harmed last night, but texted my therapist and she talked me out of it. I didn't even text my therapist this time. I just had to do it. I know that is stupid fucking thing to say. I was so miserable though. I felt stupid, ugly, fat, gross, dirty, out of control, alone, depressed, ashamed, etc. It was too much. I could not get over the disgust I feel about my body. I hate saying "no one understands", but that's how I truly feel sometimes. I have been at a consistent weight the past 8 years. Unhealthy weight at times, but consistent. I have always been toned and super muscular; a body every one wants. And since entering recovery, I know longer have that body and it hurts. I was at a healthy weight 10lbs ago. Yet I continued to gain. Everyone says your body takes a while for your weight to even out. Yet I have either kept gaining, or maintained. I want to be in the weight range the dietitians at Remuda gave to me. I want to lose weight.

But tonight was not about losing weight. It was about the torture inside my head. I have been so depressed the past few days. Do I feel better after cutting? Honestly...yes, I do. I know this will make everyone on my treatment team sad and disappointed, and that kills me. As bad as it sounds, I am really glad I did not purge. If I had purged, I think I would have felt a lot worse. Yes, I do feel bad about cutting. But it's not something I have had to work as hard at as cutting.


I know this is just a slip, not a relapse. I can choose where I go from here. And I choose to not slip up. I will tell my therapist. I will text her tomorrow. I will move on.

Anyway, I'm going to bed. More tomorrow.

Hello Fall!

So, three hours ago I was playing basketball with one of the kids I babysit and I was sweating because it was so muggy and hot out. Well since then it has dropped about 20 degrees. It feels so nice outside! I am so happy Fall weather is here! I am so sick of the humidity! And my summer clothes really don't fit that well anymore so it's nice to wear the new clothes I bought.

Waking up this morning was SO hard. I felt like I was waking up from a coma. It sucked! I had an appointment with my gynecologist and 9:30am. I got an ultrasound to check on my ovarian cysts. They are still there but not as big and seem to be going away, so that's good! Then I met with my doctor after the ultrasound to go over it. She is so awesome. She knows my history of my eating disorder and my abuse, so she is very understanding and caring, as well as sensitive to my feelings. She's great and it's always good to see her. Even though it's not under the most...uh...exciting of circumstances.

After the doctor, I went to Starbucks to hang out before my therapy appointment. It was so freaking loud in there and I want to scream at everyone. Obviously my anxiety was a little high. So then I went to therapy and...it was SO good to see her. Before I sat down I asked for a hug, which is hard for me to do. But I am so glad I did it, because I really needed it. We pretty much covered everything that has happened over the past two weeks. We talked about the feelings that are being brought up about my abuse. A person who I was pretty involved with last year has shown up on Facebook and seeing his picture has sort of re-traumatized me. So I have been having more flashbacks and nightmares lately. So I made the decision with the help of my therapist to block him on Facebook and delete his number from my phone. I don't care if he gets pissed of, which he probably will. It's his loss, not mine. I am just so done with the drama and chaos. My therapist also recommended that I get a massage. She thinks it will help with my body image issues and the feelings of neediness and wanting comfort that I have been having. So, I made an appointment to get one on Tuesday. I am realllly looking forward to it!

This is pathetic. It's 8pm and I am ready for bed. Who am I? I am just so tired. I must need sleep because everytime The Lion King 3D commercial comes on TV I start crying. I need to get it together. But that movie is just so damn sad.

Okay, that's all I have for now.

the past few days...

So, sorry that I haven't updated in a few days. My laptop decided to crash, but it seems to be working now, except it's super slow and the wi-fi doesn't work. But I'm calling tomorrow to see about getting it fixed.

How am I doing? I'm doing pretty great actually! I have gotten back on track with my food. Eating all three meals the past 3 days. I had a very successful grocery shopping trip. Although, I realized I much rather prefer to go grocery shopping at night because during the day I just want to kill every one around me. I just get really anxious and short tempered and, I really just want to scream and run and hide. I really hope grocery shopping gets easier. I see my dietitian tomorrow and I'm really undecided about whether or not to look at my weight. I just need to know, it's like this control thing. But I really don't want my weight to have such a power hold on me, you know? I will talk to my dietitian about it tomorrow.

I guess I have been feeling a little more depressed lately. Not really sure why. Maybe because summer is coming to a close and I will be working full time in 2 weeks. And even though it's not even Fall yet, I am getting increasingly anxious about Winter time. It seems every Winter I fall into a hole. And last Winter I fell in one so deep I almost didn't make it out alive. This is something I definitely need to discuss with my team, and make sure I don't have a repeat of last year.

Group is over next week and I'm up in the air about whether or not I should join the next one. I guess what's holding me back that competitive side of me that feels like I need to be sicker and worse than everyone else with an eating disorder in order to deserve and need attention. It's something I have struggled with for many years, and just can't seem to kick it, although it has gotten a tiny bit easier. I just need to move on from that.

I spent the weekend at my dad's friend's river house and that was really fun. We went tubing today and I got a little sting by a jellyfish, but it didn't sting too much, just kind of like needles going into the back of my leg. It wasn't really relaxing because they had a 7 year old boy that was like out of control and threw tantrums all the time. But I got more tan and spending any amount of time on the water is like heaven to me. I didn't really sleep last night because it was too hot and I had too much sweet tea to drink that day. So now I'm exhausted.

It seems as though my allergies have kicked in again. My sinuses are killing me and I'm all congested. I think it might have something to do with the Great Dismal Swamp being on fire and so it's kind of smoky here. But it just sucks because I feel awful.

Anyway, that's all for now. I will update more later on in the week.