I used to be pretty incapable of taking care of myself. I think I'm finally doing a pretty good job of it though. It's taking time and a lot of hard work, and I'm not perfect at it. I'm becoming more and more normalized with my eating. I saw my dietitian last night and she said that my eating for the past week was normal! She was so shocked (and honestly so was I). I don't really know what changed. I guess I just felt more hungry. It helps when I have an appetite. I had a big freak out last week because my dietitian weighed me and I found out I had gained xlbs over the holidays. People kept telling me it's normal to gain weight over the holidays, but it's never been normal for me. I've always been sick during Christmas. I was so upset over the weight gain. I didn't even care that my dietitian said that all of my numbers were right where they should be. I just felt huge and fat and disgusting. And I still do. But I accept that fact that probably the reason why I gained weight over the holidays was because I was screwing up my metabolism by skipping meals. So I guess that motivated me to start eating normally, and that's what I've been doing.

There are other ways I've been taking care of myself. Even though there are times when I still feel REALLY guilty for reaching out for help, I have been doing it more. I've been in close contact with my treatment team during this past few weeks, while things have been really tough. I'm trying to see if a medication change will help. I'm working on my eating. And I'm allowing myself to be more vulnerable in therapy. My therapist mentioned possibly telling my mom about my trauma history, as she knows very, very little. At first I said NO WAY. But now I'm actually thinking about doing it, only of course if my therapist is there. And she says she absolutely agrees that she should be there. I have therapy tomorrow and I think we are going to discuss it more then.

Other ways I am taking part in self-care is going to sleep earlier, aromatherapy, distraction, and asking for what I need.

I'm still having a rough go with depression. I think maybe it's a little less intense, maybe not so much suicidal ideation going on. It's still something that needs to be watched, however. I have good moments and bad moments. I had a really powerful experience a couple weekends ago. I went to the Saturday evening service at my church. I go alone, I always have. For some reason, I wanted to walk out in the middle of the service. I just didn't feel connected to God or to any of the music or the message that night. I stuck it out though. And at the end of the service, the pastor got up and said if anyone wanted to be prayed for, to approach him afterwards. Something just pulled me over there. And I admitted that I was struggling with a severe depression, and he prayed for me. It was what I needed. I felt God and His presence. Part of the message of the sermon that night was, "God makes the impossible possible." I keep thinking about that.
I've always felt it was impossible to recover from my eating disorder and to heal from all of my trauma. Maybe it's not impossible though. Maybe I can get to a place where I will be okay.

I'm also having a super tough time with PTSD and other trauma issues. Next week is the 2 year anniversary of my rape. I'm growing increasingly anxious about it. Last year on the first anniversary, I took the day off of work and medicated myself and slept all day. This year, I am making it a two day event. On Monday I am walking the labyrinth with my therapist. I did this last summer as a part of the eating disorder group I did, and it was a very powerful experience. On Tuesday, my therapist and I are going to a park near her office and I'm bringing a balloon and she's bringing a sharpie. And I'm going to write on the balloon everything about that night that I want to let go of and release. Then, I'm going to let the balloon go. I'm glad I will have extra support on those two days.

I'm back to my normal work schedule this week. I'm already exhausted. I'm counting down the days to Spring Break already.

As always, taking it day by day, hour by hour.

1 year.

Some people think anniversaries in ED recovery are silly. I like them
because I can look back and see how far I have come. With that said...

Today marks 1 year since I left Remuda Ranch and entered recovery.
I could write pages and pages about reaching 1 year in recovery.
There are so many feelings, thoughts, and revelations. But I want to
keep it short and simple. This year has truly been the best year of my
life, as well as the most challenging. Reaching such a huge milestone
for me is overwhelming. I am overcome with emotions of pride and
relief for being in such a positive and healthy place in my life. For
reaching a point in my life where I feel deserving of recovery. A year
and a half ago I did not think I would ever feel happy or hopeful
again. It's amazing that I have come this far and I really am proud of
myself. But I also feel like I am mourning who I have been for the
past 9 years of my life. I am mourning my eating disorder identity.
It's been tough. I still find myself holding on to it, to the belief I
have that my ED is my worth. But it's significant that I choose to
move forward and fight my ED. I spent 9 years of my life living in
eating disorder hell, but now I can say with certainty that I will
never go back to my ED.

Mega Update

I realize it has been a long time since I posted. While speaking with my dietitian today, I realized this and decided I needed to get back into blogging.

Things are still pretty hard. I had a terrible week. Absolutely horrible. I saw my psychiatrist on Monday, and he upped the dosage on my Prozac, so now I'm on the maximum dosage. Well, the next day when I started taking it, I felt so strange. I was shaky all over, dizzy, terrible migraine, absolutely no appetite. I figured it would just last the first day. I was wrong. The next day, the symptoms were even worse. I was doing really badly with my eating. Wednesday night, I fainted. I was alone in my house. It was really scary. It probably had to do with the fact that I hadn't had anything substantial to eat in almost 48 hours. I think it was then that I realized all of these symptoms had more to do with my eating, then it had to do with my medication.

Thursday I saw my therapist. It was a really good session. We talked about all the problems I had been having with my medication, and she told me I needed to be eating better, even if I wasn't hungry. We talked a lot about the destructive relationship I was in last year, and how feelings about/for him have been coming back up. We also talked about a slip up with self harm that I had over the weekend, and we processed that. For some reason I can't remember what else we talked about, but I do remember that I left feeling relieved.

Then I saw my dietitian this morning. I was really nervous. She had me keep a food journal for the past week, and I knew my eating had sucked. She agreed. But it was a really, really awesome session. She explained to me the model of the recovery process. I wish I had a link to give you all, but she just had a sheet of paper. But, she asked me to point out where I thought I was in my recovery. I thought I was in the "need for behaviors" part, but she told me she disagreed and said I was a step above, where it's basically a rollercoaster, lots of ups and downs, but still feeling all your feelings. It was encouraging to hear her say that, and tell me that I have not relapsed.
She seems pretty concerned though, for good reasons, and wants me to come in once a week for a while.

Today marked 1 year since I was admitted to the psychiatric hospital. It's crazy to me how fast this year has gone by. It still all feels like yesterday. I am so thankful to be alive, for choosing to live, and choosing to get help.

My best friend Ashley is coming to visit me on Sunday. She was my roommate at Remuda, we had the same admit and discharge date and family week too. We had such a special bond at Remuda, which has maintained outside of treatment as well. I am so excited to see one of my soul sisters!

Anyway, that's about all. I'm so glad it's the weekend.