thank you and update.

First of all, thank you to everyone who offered me support on my last post. It really means a lot to me, it means the world actually. I do not have any real friends here in Richmond, but to know that you guys are there for me...feels good.

I'm depressed. All I want to do is sleep. I have zero energy. I wake up crying. I cry at night. I sometimes cry in the middle of the day. This whole, only going to therapy every other week, is really throwing me. I wish I was stronger than this, could deal with this better and not be so FREAKED OUT. I'm not even sure why I am so upset about all of this. But I think I have an idea. Last week I had committed myself to fully working on my problems, especially my trauma. And while excited is not exactly the right word to explain how I felt about working on everything, I was looking forward to...working on things, and feeling better. And I know I can still work on things by going every other week, but it's not the way I wanted to. Does that make sense? I feel defeated. I don't want to be such a negative person and be all depressed and sad and everything. But I feel scared.

Eating is not going well at all. It's either, I don't want to eat, I'm not hungry, I can't eat, or I don't know how to eat. I know that last one might sound strange, but sometimes I really forget how to eat. I know this whole not eating thing is a result of...well of a few things. The recent change in therapy, stress at work, stress with money, abuse memories, etc. If I don't make some changes with this eating...like eating 3 times a day like my therapist told me...then this could get really bad. It's been almost a year since I had a full blown relapse and was at my lowest weight ever, which caused me to lose my job at the time. I don't want that. But gosh, the ED really is a friend sometimes. I know I'm going to get a lot of shit for saying that. And yes, I know...it really is an enemy.

Ultimate frisbee semi's are tomorrow. So pumped! I'm the most competitive person, and if we don't win and make it to finals...I will not be a happy girl.

We had a hell of a storm here the other night. Knocked out a ton of power lines. We have our power back, but now our AC doesn't work. That's really...annoying.

I saw the movie Inception last weekend. I loved it so much that I am going to see it again today...by myself. My parents complained that I should be saving my money. But I really want to do something that makes me happy and feel good. I feel like I need it right now. I feel guilty for going against what my parents want but...I'm 22 years old...I can make my decisions, correct?

Anyway...that's my venting for the day.

heat

I have therapy tomorrow. Last Friday after the hardest therapy session of my life, I decided I really did not want to do that again, talk about it again. But, now I do. I just feel a need to talk about it; how it's affecting me, what I feel about it, and just more of the memories. I'm scared too, but I feel like I'm going to explode by not talking about it. And I know that's healthy. And I know it's a good thing that I have a need to talk about it. But it's like....damn, this is going to be the hardest shit I've ever done.

The eating disorder is...well...just a pain in the ass. I mean I don't know how to define what my recovery is like right now. I find myself obsessing about calories, what I eat, how it makes me feel. All the urges to purge are still there, but no I'm not purging...I am fighting them. That is a good thing. The binging at night is of course still there. And I almost accept that it always will be. It's a 10 year habit, like I don't think it will go away ever. I saw someone I went to high school with the other day who I hadn't seen a while, she told me, "you look pretty skinny, is everything okay?" Okay, first of all, I'm like 99% sure I'm at a healthy weight, so I have no idea why she said that. So for her to say that, just pissed me off. Because...I don't see what she sees. Whatever.

The anxiety is just...relentless. I have been practicing my breathing a lot, it does help. But sometimes...I get this feeling in my chest. It's like a weight on my chest, like it literally feels like a cement weight on my chest. And then it's like...I cannot take a deep breath in, and so that makes me panic of course. And ugh, it's just a horrible feeling. Not necessarily a new feeling, but it feels worse that it has before...if that makes sense?

I'm going to the beach next week. I could not be more excited! The beach we go to, in North Carolina, is my favorite place in the world. So relaxing, so quiet, so remote. It's just a breath of fresh air. To be with my family, my dogs, the ocean, good food, great weather, it will just be...soo good for me. I can't wait to go running on the beach in the early morning.

It's hot as hell here this week. It's going to 105 degrees tomorrow. I mean, that's a little ridiculous. I love summer, but not that hot.

Anyway, it felt good to get these things off my chest. I love blogging. It's hard to do it sometimes though, because at times I just want to ignore it and do something else. But I know it helps in the long run.