Coming back to life - where I've been

I've been away from blogging for a while. I've had a lot going  on. Last Wednesday, the 9th, I attempted suicide. I took an overdose of sleeping pills, painkillers, and anti-anxiety pills. I realized what I had done and called my mom about 15 minutes after wards. I was taken to the hospital by ambulance, forced to drink an activated charcoal solution in the ER to absorb the pills, was put on oxygen, a heart monitor, pumped with IV fluids, and had tons of blood drawn. I had self-harmed prior to my suicide attempt and my arm was patched up with ointment, and a gauze bandage. About an hour or so later, I was transferred to the psychiatric facility next door. I only spent 48 hours there. The first 24 I mostly slept, sleeping off the medications. My blood work came back with my kidney function impaired, and low liver enzymes. I still don't if there was permanent damage done.

After getting out of the hospital, I moved in with my parents, where I have been since last Friday. It's been really hard. I miss my house, my bed, my room, my privacy. My therapist wants me to stay here until Monday, because she's out of town and wants to make sure I stay safe. My parents joined me in therapy on Monday, and it went okay. They know the full extent of my trauma and how painful and hard it has been and how it's affected me (PTSD, dissocation, etc), yet my mom feels it's okay to question me about it. I'm going nuts.

I'm not feeling depressed anymore, maybe a little bit. But no longer suicidal.  My anxiety is pretty high. I guess that's from living at home and...I went back to work today. I will only be at my babysitting job for 2 more weeks. They have to let me go. I understand their reasons. It's the second time I've been in the hospital in 6 months, they need someone reliable. It makes me sad but at the same time I understand.

So, the next couple of months I will just be taking it slow. I will continue to work at the restaurant, and look for a volunteering job.

I feel incredibly regretful for what I did. But I also have made the decision to live, I realize I don't want to die. I reached the ultimate rock bottom with my depression, anxiety, and PTSD. It can only go up from here.

My faith is as strong as ever. I am clinging to God these days, for strength, wisdom, forgiveness, and hope. He makes all things new.

I survived the holidays (so far)

This is my least favorite time of year. I used to love Christmas as a kid, but as I've grown older, it's been tainted with memories of hospitalizations, treatment center stays, deep depression, and traumatic events. I survived this year. I think it really helped being off of work this week. I have been able to relax, which is something I haven't done in many months. My parent's held a Christmas Eve party at their house with close friends and family, and then turned out to be okay I guess. Christmas morning and opening presents was enjoyable as well, and then I just napped/relaxed the rest of the day.

My therapist is out of the office this week and won't be back until next Wednesday. I was freaking out a lot about her being gone and was scared I wouldn't be able to handle it. So, I told her exactly that, and she was very supportive and reassuring. During our session last week, she called another therapist in her office (that was actually the clinical director at RR East when I was there) and he agreed to see me this week just so I can have someone to check in with. That eased my fears a lot. It's been so busy with shopping, parties, gifts, etc the past few days that I haven't had much time to think of anything else. Which is good I guess. I did end up sobbing in my childhood bedroom on Christmas Day. I felt so full of sadness, over so many things. It was so overwhelming and lonely. Now I feel depressed and anxious, and mostly full of fear.

I saw my psychiatrist today, which was good to have his support as well. He convinced me to talk to my therapist about some things I want to try in therapy. I don't know why I'm scared to talk to her about it. Actually, I think I'm scared to talk to her about it because I'm scared she will leave me in some way, shape, or form...just like everyone else. But, I can't wait to see her next week and be open and honest with her.

I'm so worried about going back to work next week. I just don't want to. It stresses me out SO much. It often feels like it's slowly killing me, or making me want to kill myself. I'm really unhappy, which really isn't anything new. But it feels more paralyzing by the day.

It feels like a hopeless situation.

really struggling emotionally

I don't really know how I'm getting through the days right now. Probably because I'm in therapy twice a week. And I'm sure my medications are having me holding on by a thread. And, the once in a while good or fun thing that happens. But that's it.

I'm really depressed. Nights are the hardest. I get this heavy/panic feeling in my chest. And I get scared. I'm not sure what I'm scared of. I just feel like I need to talk to someone. In the back of my head, I know things I can do to soothe or calm myself. But it's so hard to remember to do that. I am borderline suicidal. I say borderline because I don't have any plans to kill myself. But I am miserable. I feel like I'm in a deep, endless black hole. Like, I'm so, so unhappy.

I'm terrified because my therapist is going to be out of the office next week, and I won't see her for two weeks. And I won't be able to call her I don't think. She gave me the pager number of her partner in the office next to her. But I wouldn't really feel comfortable calling her unless it was an urgent crisis. I've never even met her.
I'm just really, really scared that I'm not going to be able to communicate with my therapist. More scared than I am willing admit to her. I saw her today, and I see her again on Wendesday.

We had a discussion on Friday about if I ever feel like the trauma symptoms are too much and if I'm feeling unsafe, that instead of going to a psychiatric hospital, she would want to send me to a treatment center that's for trauma related issues. That's a really scary thought. Sometimes I think I need to do that. But I don't want to leave my therapist. She is the only person I can talk to about EVERYTHING. She's the only one I trust.

 I just don't know how much longer I can hang in.

Darkness

I hate this time of year. Starting a couple weeks ago until warmer weather gets here, I absolutely loathe this time of year.

I've always struggled with depression, but Winter time is a scary time for me. I'm already feeling really scared about it. It seems like no matter how good things are, I am always depressed. Like right now, I'm doing really, really well with ED recovery, and while my jobs are stressful...at least I have a job. But lately, I've been thinking about dying a lot. I wouldn't call myself suicidal, as I have no plans to kill myself. But, I guess I'm such deep emotional pain these days that dying would feel like a relief. I told my therapist all of this today, which was really hard because I don't want to scare her or worry her. She gave me a few reminders as to why I CAN'T hurt myself. She said it would hurt the kids I babysit, and it would hurt her too if I did anything to myself.

I just get so paralyzed by my depression sometimes, and it totally sucks. It's the heaviest feeling on my chest and I feel so incompetent of handling real life. I just way to lay in my bed for days. I don't really know if this depression is something that can be fixed or made better with medication. I'm on a pretty high dosage right now, and I guess I could go higher, but that also makes me uncomfortable because I also don't want to be totally numb.

I'm not nervous for Thanksgiving, not about the food part. I have really no worries about it. I'm just not a huge fan of spending extended time with family. But, I'll deal with it.

PTSD sucks and it has really been tough lately. I learned a valuable lesson this weekend. Alcohol and PTSD are not a good combination. Needless to say, I won't be drinking again for a while. I just feel so on edge about sudden noises and movements these days. I felt so stupid because tonight in the grocery store there was a big bang behind me from something falling and I jumped probably a foot in the air. I nearly had a heart attack. I get so frustrated with things like that.

I'm just not in a good place tonight. I feel very sad and very depressed. And very lonely.

So basically...

There is a lot of shit going on with me right now. I haven't been blogging because honestly it's not something I feel comfortable blogging about. I have had new trauma memories re-surface and all I want to say about that is that I am a huge mess right now and it's freaking me out.
I am deep in my eating disorder, losing weight. I did see my dietitian today and we made a compromise that I drink 5 Ensure plus's a day, and go from there. That's literally a stretch to even do that. Eating has been super super difficult. My dietitian told me that doing 5 ensures a day will actually make me lose weight. I'll believe it when I see it.
I love my new therapist. She's awesome. I have a feeling she is really going to help me get through this trauma stuff and be the therapist that sees me to a recovered life. I ended up "dumping" my old therapist over the phone. It was a little sad and scary, but it went well.
I majorly screwed up my shoulder, still not exactly sure what I did to it. I am getting an MRI and and MR/Arthogram next week (they will stick a big needle into my shoulder and inject dye, woo hoo). And then I won't know the results of that until a week later. It's pretty certain I tore something, it's just about figuring out exactly what I tore. Needless to say, I am in pain pretty much everyday, and I have painkillers that don't knock me the fuck out but allow me to work. I am still in a sling, which is super annoying. Hopefully I will not have to have surgery, which my dietitian says I am not healthy enough to have anyway.
I'm completely obsessed with the Olympics so that has been a good distraction, but sometimes not good enough. Flashbacks, panic attacks, and your basic freakouts happen on a regular basis. It's hard to make it through the night.
My new therapist does not text in between sessions, unlike my previous therapist. This has been hard. But maybe this will be good for me. I will have to learn to depend on myself. Which....is scary. I am able to email her though and that provides me with some relief.
That's about all that's going on. Still working a lot and busy with appointments.  I'm tired.

Hospital

On Friday I was discharged from the psychiatric hospital. I was there for 6 days. The story of why I went and how I got there isn't that important, just that I knew I couldn't stay safe any longer and that if I didn't go in, then I would definitely take my own life. I chose a hospital two hours away from me, because they had an eating disorder unit that I was hopefully planning on moving over to. In the end, my shitty insurance denied coverage for me to go the eating disorder unit. It was one of the most frustrating and disappointing experiences. I needed the help with my ED, but my insurance company disagreed.

When I found out about that, I decided to come home. I was no longer suicidal or severely depressed. My medications had been stabilized. I came home and while I still have my job (thank God), I am taking this week off because my boss wants me to get myself situated back home and then return to work on Monday. My therapist wants me to go to a treatment center for my ED. But I declined. I have my job, my vacation, and rent to pay. And if I can get myself together while staying at home, then I won't need to go to treatment. I have two treatment centers in mind, in case things don't go as I hope.

So now I am doing a form of intensive outpatient therapy with my team. I will be seeing my dietitian and my therapist twice a week. I'm not sure if I have a time limit as to when I have to be improving by, or whatever. I saw my therapist yesterday and it was an okay session, although I have some doubts about her and I'm not sure who to talk to about that. I see my dietitian tonight, and I am beyond excited because it has been too long since I've last seen her and I miss her bunches. But I'm also nervous for that appointment because I'm sure she will be giving me a meal plan and other instructions, and I have lost weight so I'm worried about the possibility of weight gain drinks.

My parents are pretty much monitoring everything I do, even though I don't live with them. They supply my meals and make me stay at their house during the day. It's hard to get away from behaviors unless my mom has a really busy day at work like she had yesterday and today.

I guess...it is what it is. And I've realized that it's up to me, and only me, to decide to start improving and eating the way I should. No one can make me. Sure, I have tons of support. But no one can do it for me. I have to decide for myself. Which is honestly, terrifying. I have been reminded that I had a good full year of recovery, so that means I can get back to that. I don't know what went wrong or why, but maybe that doesn't matter now. Maybe I just have to get myself together and do what is right.

Anyway, I will try and keep this blog updated. Hope all is well with everyone.

Relapse

Yep. I just used that word, relapsed. I'm pretty sure that's accurate. Over the past year I have had slip ups and lapses, but always held onto hope and knew I could pull myself out of it. Right now I have little to no hope, and I don't see myself ever recovering. Deep down I REALLY want to recover, but I don't believe that I can. It's super frustrating and a hopeless feeling.

I saw my dietitian last night. I lost more weight. She seemed concerned and worried about my health. I felt so bad because she is so nice to me and loves me so much and tries to help me with all her might. But what she was asking me to do last night, to increase my meal plan, was something I felt like I was not willing to do. I hated telling her that, but it was the truth, and I always stay honest. I have been heavily restricting. My biggest fear is that I will lose my job and I will have to move back home. That's a very real possibility, as I lost a job 3 years ago due to my ED. If that happened I would be absolutely devastated. My dietitian is out of town for the next 3 weeks, which scares the crap out of me. So I will only have my therapist to lean on, as well as friends and my second mom. Because I couldn't really commit to a meal plan, my dietitian incorporated Boost supplements into my days. I have to have at least 2, and then we will go from there. I am so hesitant to drink them, because they remind me SO much of treatment and have so many bad memories attached the them, but I don't feel like I can eat solid food right now. My dietitian also suggested I find someone in my life that can keep me accountable with that, and who can eat dinner with me 1-2 times a week. My second mom will be that person. I already called her and asked her and she said yes. I feel so much guilt over it.

Therapy this morning was terrible. I left feeling so much worse. I don't feel like I accomplished anything, which is mostly my fault because I can't seem to do what my therapist is asking of me. She has all these workbooks and yoga exercises and positive affirmations and crap she wants me to do. But I just don't want to, or rather, I feel like I can't. I feel stuck in this nothingness and relapse. Therapy feels so pointless right now. I just don't get anything out of it. This happened a few weeks ago and I took a week off but ended going back and feeling better, and now I'm back where I was. I don't know what the hell is wrong.

Two people on my treatment team have suggested that unless I start eating more and stop losing weight, then I need to go back into treatment. This is a NO for me because I have my job and my house and my family to worry about. I can't just drop everything and go back into to treatment. That should be enough to get me motivated to start doing better right? WRONG. I am still using behaviors, knowing it will get me no where. I am already researching treatment centers just in case. But I seriously don't think anything will come of it.

I have the most intense anxiety going on. It feels like someone is clawing at my chest and stomach. It's almost unbearable. I constantly am trembling or tapping my foot because I just want the anxiety OUT of me. I'm trying to adjust my meds but I feel pretty hopeless about that situation too. 

I have no idea what caused this relapse. I guess the only thing I do know is that recovery doesn't seem to be in my plans. I feel like there is too much wrong with me, too many complicated and unresolved issues, too much work to be done. I'm tired of fighting. There isn't much left. Maybe I just need to be at peace that this is what my life is and always will be. Recovery is not simple, and neither is an eating disorder. But I am seriously overwhelmed by everything I feel like I have to work on. The list to me goes on and on and on. . I feel, mentally, pretty similar to where I was before treatment last year. Which is...deep deep down wanting to recover, but feeling so much of..."I can't I can't I can't."  It's one of the worst feelings...ever.

I left therapy feeling suicidal. I was just like...what is the freaking point anymore? I'm so sick of this. Of making progress and then going back to this miserable hell. If I wasn't going horseback riding tomorrow, then I don't think I would feel safe tonight. I constantly have to have something to look forward to, some means of support or fun in the days ahead of me to feel like I have purpose to stay alive.
I refuse to go to the psychiatric hospital and if I can help it, I refuse to go back to treatment.

I think I might email this blog post to my therapist, because it's a pretty accurate description of how I feel.

I have no idea what is is I'm doing. I just feel like giving up, which I have already started doing

A revelation and other things...

Tonight, I took the kids I nanny to diving practice. This is the same pool I coached at last summer, so I know a lot of the people there. I have known for years that my old therapist and her family belong there as well. And I even ran into her last summer. Tonight I ran into her again. I actually went up to her. I saw her as a therapist for 5 years and it was an intense and sometimes complicated and unhealthy relationship, and in the end I chose to leave her because things were too messy. But I hold no hard feelings against her. She saved my life in a lot of ways and saw me through the hellish years of high school. So, even though I get nervous when I see her, I never pass up an opportunity to go up and talk to her. And so that is what I did. She gave me a big hug and we talked for about 10 minutes. Just catching her up on where I am working these days, talking about our dogs, where I am living, and other gossip. At one point she said to me, "Well, you look wonderful!" To which I replied with, "Thank you! I have gained a lot of weight..." She said, "but you look healthy and happy".  To most people in recovery from an eating disorder, the word "healthy" is not a positive compliment. And usually I roll my eyes to myself when someone says that because I don't think they really mean that, blah blah blah. But when she said it to me, I felt that she meant it. I felt that she was happy for me. She also mentioned that it seemed like I was doing really well. The topic of my eating disorder and other related issues never came up, but perhaps what she was seeing was my "inner light", which so many people have told me over the past year that I have such a thing.  It motivated me to start doing better with life, with recovery. For so long I have wanted and tried to be sicker in order to gain attention and so-called praise. But tonight, something switched on (or off) in my brain. I realized how happy this person was for me. And she wasn't just some unimportant person in my life. She knew me like the back of her hand and knew all my deepest, darkest secrets. She was genuine in her compliments for me and it made me feel happy.

Depression wise, things are kind of at a stand still. That heaviness I was feeling is still there, though not quite as intense. I think I'm more numb than anything. Although, sometimes I wonder if I can really tell at all how I'm feeling. I'm not quite sure. It's frustrating. Thoughts of suicide are definitely still there, especially when I think about my future. I'm trying really hard to push through that, and of course stay honest with those thoughts.
I started a new medication for my depression. It's called Abilify and I am taking it in addition to the Prozac. It's make me pretty nauseous, but that's really the only side effect. I've only been on it a few days. Hopefully it will start to work soon.

Things with food are pretty okay. 2 weeks no purging. I struggle with restricting here and there, especially on the days that my anxiety is sky-high. It's by no means normal, or anywhere close to it. I'm scared of eating normal, of gaining weight. Speaking of that, I'm having a horrible time with body image. Especially since now the weather is so hot that I have to wear shorts. I try to remind myself of how strong my body is now, and that I'm healthy. Even though I know about where my weight is right now, I am making myself not look at my weight at my dietitian appointments, or using the scale at work. It gets me no where.

Tomorrow and Friday I have therapy and dietitian appointments. I'm pretty anxious about them. I do have a lot going on and I just hope I can find the strength to stay honest and use the tools and wisdom my treatment team provides me with.

Weight sucks.

The title of this post says enough. Weight, body fat, weight gain, weight loss, scales...all of that sucks. I had a really rough dietitian appointment this week. My weight went up 2lbs in a week in a half. And now I am 4lbs above my weight range, and 9lbs above my ideal weight. FREAKING OUT was what I was doing in my dietitian's office on Monday. I was just...stunned. And then I got scared and confused. Why am I still gaining weight? I'm not taking supplements (nor do I need them) I don't think I'm eating any more than usual, if anything I have been eating a little less. Yet I continue to gain slowly. At the time of my appointment my dietitian didn't know why I was gaining weight (which freaked me out even more). She told me to send her the food journals I had been keeping for the past week and then she could see if she could figure it out through that. So I sent her my food journals and she told me that I need to start eating breakfast more and that will rev up my metabolism. I was not happy to hear this. Breakfast is the absolute hardest meal for me. I am barely eating it now, and in order for my weight to stop going up and possibly get back down to my normal weight, I have to eat breakfast every single day. I am just scared that eating more is going to make me gain more weight. But I guess I have to trust my dietitian and see where this takes me. It is so hard for me to get into the routine of waking up early enough to eat breakfast. So maybe going to the beach will help with that, and being around other people that eat breakfast will help as well. I KNOW that I am healthier than I have ever been, and that I am not destroying my body and that I am the happiest I have ever been. But it's so hard to see that when all these other facts are staring me in the face. Facts like...I am the heaviest I have ever been in my life. My clothes are tight or don't fit. I have a muffin top, etc.
I wish so much I could accept my body. But it scares me that it's like this. I am having the hardest time staying positive with this.

My last day of work is tomorrow (since it's a seasonal job). It's pretty bittersweet. While I am glad to not have to work as often, I am so sad to be leaving this kids. They have brightened my whole summer. I could not be prouder of them. They have taught me so much about myself and the little things in life. They have made me realize the passion I have for working with kids. I have to figure out what my move is going to be in the fall as far as work goes, but I know I really want to work with kids in some way. I just love them so much!

So, Erin gets here Thursday and I could not be more excited!!! I cannot wait to see her face and hug her! Even though I just saw her in May, that's still a long time seeing as how we did every single thing together for 30 days. She gets here Thursday afternoon and after dinner I think we are probably going to go see Harry Potter, she has seen it but I haven't! Then we leave at 6am on Sunday for the 5 hour drive to the beach. God, I am so excited.

Therapy today

I had therapy this morning. We mainly focused on my eating disorder and how I REALLY need to get back on track with food. I just need to start eating again. I haven't had a meal in 3 days, and it's taking it's toll. I have been having a lot of stomach pain and nausea, caused by anxiety and the fact that I haven't been eating. So my therapist and I came up with some foods that feel safe to me and that won't upset my stomach. I will start with those foods, and once I start physically feeling better I will add more food in. She suggested I buy some applesauce, cinnamon raisin bread, apples, and cheese sticks. These foods are safe to me (well, the bread sort of scares me). And I know that what I have to do now is JUST EAT IT. I just have to repeat to myself that...this is the only option and that I can do this.

My therapist mentioned this hospital today. No No No....was my response. She responded with, "Well you have to start eating again if you want to avoid that". That is my main motivation right there. I absolutely do not want to go into the hospital. Do you know how much conflict, drama, problems that would cause? Totally don't need that, nor do I feel I need it at this point.

I said that I knew that my eating disorder, and food, and calories are not the real problem here. She mentioned how my eating disorder is a placeholder for me right now. So I said...I know what's really causing this, and by using my eating disorder... I am just avoiding what I am really feeling and what's really going on. "What's are you feeling and what is going on?", said my therapist. Tears filled my eyes and I talked about the pain and sadness I feel right now about my best friend moving away. I cried for the first time in therapy today. Real, genuine tears fell down my cheeks. It was SO hard to talk about it, to talk about him moving. So many things ran through my head. How am I going to do this without him? Just...so many things to think about. I told her...how I have never in my life felt so connected to someone. How, he is the first person that has genuinely cared about me without having an obligation to do so. That means SO much to me, you have no idea. What that feels like...it's amazing. It's the best feeling in the world. What in the world has he seen in me? I don't see it.

But, I don't want to fall apart when he leaves. I don't want to break, like I have done in the past. I want to honor our friendship and stand strong and remember all that he has done for me. I know he would not want me to break or fall apart, in fact he would be quite angry with me. And I don't want that, and he doesn't want that. And so that's what I am going to do. I am going to make the best out of the time we have left together. And when he leaves, I promise myself to stay in contact and honor what we have. I hope he does the same. That's something I really need/want to talk to him about. I want to talk to him about my fears in him leaving, and how I don't want what he have to break up and disappear. I have a strong feeling he wants the same things I do.

So anyway, that's what is going through my head right now. I've learned over and over to never take anyone for granted, because they will leave eventually and you won't realize what you had before it's too late. This is not the case. I know what I have and I am going to make the best of it and not screw it up, and I'm not going to push him away to protect myself from being devastated when he leaves (as much as I want to). Because pushing him away would fill me with regret. And it would not be fair to me, and it would most certainly not be fair to him. Like I said, I want to honor our friendship.

Anyway, right now I am working on my Soul Restoration journal/art book. It is so much fun and so relaxing. When I am finished with it, I will have to find some way to post pictures of it so I can share it with you.

I have a massage in about an hour and I am looking forward to that and the company of another great friend of mine. And then I work tonight from 3:30 to 10.

For now, I just need to breathe, and eat, and take it minute by minute

Hello ED

I don't really blog about my eating disorder that often because....well sometimes I think it's boring. I hate thinking about it. And I also think sometimes I am in a little bit of denial about it. But, my eating disorder is always on my mind. It is always there...whether it's acting on out behaviors or not...it is always there. I have found that in times of great stress, anxiety, and over all confusion...is when I think about it the most. Totally makes sense right? I mean, it's my crutch. It's my "friend". It's my go-to thing when things are too tough to deal with in a healthy way.

I made a commitment a few weeks ago to truly and really move forward with my eating disorder recovery. And I still am standing by that. But lately I have been discouraged. ED was hiding away for a little while, and now he's back.

Has anyone seen that documentary THIN that HBO did several years back? Do you remember the girl Brittney? Do you remember when she is screaming and crying in group, "I just want to be thin! I want to be skinny! God please make me thin!" I feel like that ALL the time. Every person in the world will tell me I am already thin. But for me...not thin enough. I am small...well, I'm short. I'm 4'11'' and muscular. But to me...I am not thin. So, I was thinking about that a lot today and ED pops up in my brain and says..."Okay, so you want to be thin? Don't eat for 3 days." I said, "Deal". I mean...a little over a year ago I weighed 10 lbs less than I do now. I can get back there again, right? But when I think about it realistically...how did I feel emotionally when I weighed 10 lbs less, how did I feel physically? Well, I felt like shit. I lost my job because of it. But, it's crazy...ED is SO powerful. I REALLY want to lose 10 lbs. I really do. It would make me feel better. I truly believe that....even though I can look back to a year ago and remember how shitty things were.

I really want to not eat. And I really want to purge what I do eat. And I really want to run more than I need to. But here's the clincher...will I? Will I give into ED? Or will I fight and do what I know is right, and take care of myself, my body, and my mind?

Here's the thing. I'm scared of losing ED. Without it...Holly = nothing. Lies or truth?

I remember the day I was discharged from Remuda Ranch. It was May 11, 2004. I felt good about my body. I didn't hear ED. I felt beautiful. I loved the way I looked. I look at pictures from that day and still love the way I look then. I am glowing in those pictures. If only I could get back to that place...that mind-set.

This is probably one of the most honest posts I have ever written. I am a little nervous about posting it because, I feel selfish and annoying. I'm afraid I am triggering. But it is how I feel. I need to be honest.

I know I need to move forward. Backwards motion is dangerous territory for me and it gets me no where. How do you fight off those really loud and obnoxious ED voices? And how do you know that without ED...you are someone and something?

My hope is restored

I went to the Remuda Ranch sponsored screening of the documentary "America the Beautiful" tonight. I loved the film. I thought it was very informative and factual. Darryl Roberts did a great job with it, and it was an honor to hear him speak about it. I am very excited about his new film coming out in March or April.

After the movie was over, Darryl Roberts spoke a little bit about how he made the film and what it was like for him. He explained how he teamed up with Remuda Ranch to show his film around the country. Next, there was a feature that Remuda Ranch had put together about a woman who had been to Remuda Ranch and is now completely recovered. I sat watching this, having flashbacks of my experience at Remuda, and found myself beginning to cry. Tears my rolled down my cheeks as I thought about how hopeless I felt at my admission date, and how my hope that I can recover from my eating disorder has diminished over the past 7 years. I thought to myself, "Why is it taking me so long? Why have I not been freed from this yet?" And then, as the tears started coming faster and faster, I realized..."I can do this!" I thought back to my discharge date from Remuda, how much hope I had in me at that time, all the tools and skills and lessons from my 4 1/2 months there. I realized tonight, I CAN DO THIS. I AM GOING TO DO THIS. I will beat my eating disorder and I will be free from it. I have to do this. I have to fight.

Afterwards, I went up to one of the Remuda Ranch staff members that was there tonight. I told her how I was coming up on my 7 year anniversary, and even though I have never forgotten my experiences at Remuda, the girls I was there with, the staff that helped me, the tools that I learned and the lessons I took I away from it...I had lost my hope, and my will to fight. I told her..."I'm struggling with figuring out if this is as good as it's going to get. Before tonight, I thought I was hopeless when it came to recovery. " She said, "No. You will get better. You have to keep fighting, you can do this!" She was in tears, I was in tears. I told her, "I have never forgotten Remuda, and everything you did for me, tonight you restored my hope. Thank you"

My hope has been restored. I felt energy within myself for the first time tonight in...such a long time. I feel energy to fight. I cannot tell you how long it has been since I have felt that way. Too long.

It is so ironic that this happened tonight because...I was having one my worst eating disordered days today in a long time. The struggles I had today, are heavily outweighed by what I feel right now...which is hope and energy and faith.

I just sent an email to Remuda Ranch...here is what I said...

I went to the Remuda Ranch sponsored screening of America the Beautiful tonight. I was admitted to Remuda Ranch almost 7 years ago, and since then I have continued to have struggles with my disorder. I left Remuda Ranch with so many skills and lessons and have continued to carry them with me. But continued to be burdened by my disorder. But after tonight I can say that I have found hope again, hope for beating my eating disorder. I lost hope a long time ago, but it was the film, being in the presence of Remuda Ranch staff and alumni, that I found the strength inside of me, the hope that I can beat this. Thank you Remuda Ranch. You saved my life 7 years ago, and tonight, you once again helped restore my hope - Holly

wowza

So, I feel like a lot is going on. But don't I always feel that way? Let me take a big deep breath before I start writing all of this out.
Where to begin?

First of all, last week at work I witnessed a theft. A customer in the store had her purse snatched. I saw the whole thing happen. I saw the man walk in the door, walk all the way around the store, snatch her purse (the woman was 9 months pregnant) and run out the door. I got a pretty good look at his face. After the incident occurred (my manager called 911) I was interviewed by the police, wrote my statement and gave them my contact info. I had to write my statement again to give it to the Panera people. And then today at work, two robbery detectives showed up and I was shown a photo line-up and I picked out the guy. (or at the least the guy I'm positive was him) The detectives did not tell me whether or not I picked out the right guy. So, I don't know what the next step is from here. I again gave them my contact info. Hopefully I won't have to like...testify in court or anything. Anyway, reflecting back on the whole thing...it was pretty terrifying. I have never experienced anything like it. I felt so badly for the woman, I was scared that she possibly could go into early labor (my OB/GYN experience kicked in here), and then I thought what if he had come up to at my cash register and demanded money from me? Thank goodness that didn't happen. So...that is one thing that has been swirling around in my head. It's just been surreal. Feels like it didn't happen, but it did.

I am definitely having trouble with accepting the whole going to therapy once a week thing. I really am beating myself up because...it's only every other week right? I mean...why am I freaking out about this so much? So the answer to that question...well I think what happened is...the week before this decison was made that me and my parents could no longer afford weekly therapy, I had committed myself to really working on my issues. As scary as it was...I admitted to myself that I was ready and willing to work on my abuse issues. I am hesitant to work on my ED issues because I feel like...it's always been there for me (way more complicated than that, I know), but I am willing to talk about it and try things out. For me to make a committment like this, to really WANT to work on my issues is...HUGE for me. It's something therapists have been trying to get me to do for years. So, even though I know that I can stil work on my issues every other week in therapy, I feel somewhat defeated. I don't know how else to describe it. I'm also doubting myself as to whether I can do this, get through a week by myself. I admit...I need to work on being more independent and relying on myself more, but it's also scary as hell. I miss my therapist (hello Holly...it hasn't even been a week). I also struggle with...okay how long is this every other week thing going to go on? I need a timeline. I am going to work on getting more hours at work, maybe finding another full time job, or add a part time job on to the job I have.

Wow, okay that was a long paragraph. Still not done yet.

I've been having a lot of nightmares, flashbacks, etc. Lately I feel like everything I do and everywhere I go...there is some reminder of him and what happened. I keep seeing myself in that basement. Everything scares me. My chest tightens up every time I think about it. And it's impossible to not think about it.

I think I'm just about out of words. The eating is not going well at all. I just can't get motivated to eat, so lame. I am so ashamed of myself. I am better than this. Why can't I just get myself together? Why is recovery so hard and scary for me?

I am crying a lot and I hate it. I feel alone and I hate it. Frisbee is over and I hate it. I have no money and I hate it.

I am still journaling everyday and trying my hardest to reach out for help to my therapist and a few friends when I need it...but I also am scared and ashamed to reach out for help.

Okay, that's all for now. I will of course write more later.

here's what happened.

I headed off to therapy. In my last blog post I wrote about how shitty my insurance is and that it does not cover mental health services (including therapy). So anyway, that was weighing really heavily on my mind today and I talked to my therapist about it. She recommended that I somehow convince my parents to pay for me to go every week for a month to work really hard on trauma work, and then if they/I can still not afford it, we will have to do every other week. Okay, I am just freaking out at this point, internally...not letting it show. Also I told my therapist about my recent struggles with restricting. She said for me to journal about what I'm eating each day, or what I am planning to eat, and the feelings surrounding it and whatever is going on that day. Totally do-able. Then, she said I need to start eating 3 times a day. Freak out starts happening. I have been eating only once or twice a day for a while now (not full meals) and bingeing at night. I have been using my eating disorder to numb my emotions. My therapist kept saying to me, "this is not about the food. you are not freaking out about the food. you are freaking out about fully dealing with your emotions." While I know she is right about that, I still am freaking out about the food.

So, I left my therapist's office, went down the elevator, got into my car, and had a panic attack. Then I went to my parent's house to speak to my mom about the whole therapy thing. I told her, "Mom I really need therapy once a week right now" My mom responded that she and my dad cannot afford once a week right now and I have to cut back to every other week. Okay, I know every other week does not sound that bad. But I have been working the hardest I ever have in therapy and need it more than ever. My parents do not know about the abuse, so they do not know how much I am struggling. After hearing this from my mom (I still need to talk to my Dad), I went back to my car, and had yet another panic attack. I texted my therapist...haven't heard back...she's probably still in sessions.

At least I have frisbee tonight, to run off all of this shit in my head.

I also have some goals I established in therapy today. Right now I don't want to do them, just want to cry under my covers. But I know I need to step up and make things change.

My goals:

-journal every day
- sign up to take the medical assistant certification test
-look for jobs on craiglist.com
-breathe
-eat 3 times a day.

This was super long. Sorry about that. Just a lot going on.

struggling

it's my birthday tomorrow, which makes me hate myself for writing this post. i should be doing well and happy and positive on my birthday right?

I'm working on the abuse in therapy, which has been hard, but necessary. However I think it's sent my anxiety into overdrive and I'm MAJORLY resorting back into my ED. It's weird though, I really don't feel much anxiety. I have been restricting a lot and I know it's not good but I have no appetite and eating feels so hard right now. Definitely something to discuss with my therapist...

which brings me to my next issue. My new insurance from work SUCKS. It does not cover therapy. And I will most likely have to change some of my doctors because they are not in my insurance network. I cannot afford therapy on my own, and my parent's are having financial issues themselves. I am petrified that I will have to cut back on therapy, and I'm not sure how I would deal with that. Never been in this situation before, and I'm panicking.

Like I said, tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 22 years old. I am spending the day at Busch Gardens with some friends. SO excited! I LOVE rollercoasters! Then I am having birthday dinner with my family later that night, and birthday cake afterwards. Just to throw it out there, cake is my biggest fear food. I am going to try and resist the fear and have a piece of cake on my birthday.

Right now I'm hurting though. I want to curl into a ball on my therapist's couch and cry and cry. I don't want to lose therapy. I need it right now, more than ever.

realize.

I'm crying. Big fat teardrops are rolling down my cheeks. It keeps coming and coming. In my head are images of my 22 (almost) years on this planet. The good stuff first. Going to the hospital to see my little sister when she was born, learning how to do a cartwheel for the first time, trips to the mall with my grandmother, visiting my cousins in Maryland, spending my summer 24/7 at the pool, getting really good at gymnastics and winning beam at nearly every meet i competed in, loving the feeling of flying through the air in gymnastics and diving, family vacations at the beach, halloween, christmas, blowing out my birthday candles...such good and fond memories. I was happy, a very happy kid. Sure I had my issues with ADHD, but I was happy and full of life and potential. Enter age 11. Images of my body being violated, hurt, and abused. My last gymnastics meet ever, in pain physically and emotionally. Why? My talent and potential were taken away from me. Who am I? Numb. Lost. Depressed. I found a new use for scissors. Not in a good way. Reaching out to anyone and everyone who would listen to me, except my family. Just wanting to destroy myself, what I've become. Looking at the bottle of pills. I want out. Psych hopsital, is this really happening? Food, my enemy. Staring at the porcelin bowl. Never happy with the scale. Remuda Ranch, the desert, life long friendships, but the ED has become my identity. Still do not know who I am. The next 6 years are a repeat of cutting, eating disorder, being suicidal, therapy, and being flat out miserable.

And here I am...4 days away from my 22nd birthday. For the first time...realizing...no, really really realizing...I am the only one who can change myself. That I have to do this. I want to have babies one day, fall in love, travel the world, have an abundance of friends, and grow old and happy. I finally WANT to do this. But I'm scared. It's hard to see the end, a happy end. I struggle with..."do i even deserve this?" Do I deserve happiness and peace, when I have just wasted my time and other people's time for so long? Oh God, I want it so bad. I am ready. I will do what it takes. I want better.

random thoughts

My dog Lucy


Some of these might makes sense, some might...it's just what is inside my head.

- the last time I was truly happy was when I was 10 years old. This needs to change.

-I live literally 2 minutes away from my parents, and yet I miss them when I go to my own house. I'm almost 22 years old, to me this is a problem.

- My birthday is on Monday. I feel so old.

- I do not know how to define the state of my eating disorder recovery. I guess I am considered "in recovery" but it doesn't really feel like it

- My oldest dog, Lucy, is 11 years old. And even though she is in perfect health and so energetic I constantly fear she is going to die soon and I don't think I could handle that.

- I need to make an appointment with my colo-rectal surgeon. I am having a lot of pain and bleeding again. This needs to be fixed, but it's such an embarrassing problem.

- I have decided to really actually talk about it. I don't want to. But I know I need to. I'm scared. I'm terrified.

- I want a baby. No really.

- It's really hard to eat right now. I get hungry, and then when the food is in front of me, the hunger goes away.

-Ultimate frisbee summer league is almost over. This makes me sad. On Sunday, I got hit really hard in the head, very painful. Still have a headache. I think I might have had a slight concussion. Oh well, I have been hit harder.

- My bed is the most comfortable thing in the world.


- I want to go back to the beach.

back from the beach

Ahhh it was SO amazing at the beach, even if I was only there for 3 days. It was SO relaxing and beautiful and now I'm tan, and I came home refreshed and relaxed. I feel great. I did alot of thinking at the beach, soul searching if that's what you want to call it. Made some decisions that are good ones, and will change my life. I decided to start looking for a new job. I realized how unhappy I am at my current job. I feel it's the worst job I've ever had. I need to be somewhere and working with people that make me happy and not out of control anxious. I have decided to commit myself in therapy to working on the abuse. Last week I was done with it, not wanting to work on it ever again. But after talking to someone who has been through trauma and overcome it, she has inspired me to fully work on mine. It's going to be hard. But I know it will be worth it.

So I have a busy week ahead of me. First round of ultimate frisbee tournament tomorrow night (so excited and pumped!) Work from 9-3 on Monday. Psychiatrist on Tuesday. Therapy on Wednesday, Frisbee again on Wednesday, and then work the rest of the week. My car is fucked up again so that sucks, don't know when I will get it back, but I have my sister's car for the time being.

Anyway, that's all the updates I have right now. My phone is turned back on (I kept it off while at the beach).

So here are some pics from the beach.

tears

Well, I've just been Miss Waterworks lately. I know there's a lot of reasons why. Not sure I really feel like going into all of it in detail

I leave for the beach tomorrow, but the rest of my family (except my older sister and I) have been down there since Saturday. I have been a basket case without them. I realize that maybe I have separation anxiety issues. Actually, I always have. Especially as a child, I would go ballistic when my parents went out to dinner and left me with the babysitter. I remember chasing after their car sobbing. That's how I feel right now. Except, I'm almost 22 years old and I feel like I shouldn't feel that attached to my parents (especially my mom) but I am. I miss my dogs too, they always always make me feel better no matter what, and they are down at the beach with the rest of my family too. I feel like my seperation anxiety issues are more intense right now. I'm thinking maybe there's a connection between that and the fact I'm working on the abuse I suffered as a child? Maybe, maybe not.

I just came from the library, where I checked out a couple of books to take to the beach. I almost had a meltdown there. Strange, I know. I went to look at the DVD's, and sitting right next to each other was the THIN documentary, and an informational video on childhood sexual abuse. While I LOVED the THIN documentary and related to it so much, it's hard for me to watch. It's very emotional and and reminds me of my bad eating disordered days. I love watching it when I'm in a good place though! And with the other video, it's like the two things in my life that are causing me the most trouble just were shoved in my face randomly. I've sort of been in avoidance mode the past week or so, just wanting to avoid any and all emotions. And I just got reminded of a lot of things when I saw those two dvd's. Sorry if that made NO sense what-so-ever.

I don't what else to say. Struggling with the ED, but no purging, so that's good. No more cutting.

Just a lot of crying.

lapse

3 weeks of no purging.

but...only 1 day with no cutting. yeah i had a lapse ( i had the word relapse).
i chose not to reach out to my therapist and instead use self destructive behaviors.
the purpose of my cutting worked though, which is scary and not good...i know.
i want to get back on track, but i am sick of feeling so many emotions at one time.
and cutting helps numb it.
i am out of town next week at the beach (so no therapy). I have to admit I am anxious about that.
but as much as i love my therapist and need her support, I have found myself very slowly starting to back away from her. this is a result from my relationship with my ex-therapist. i got so close with my last therapist and then we lost our connection and i had to leave her after 5 years (it's a really long and complicated story) , and i'm afraid of that happening again. I don't want to lose my therapist, so I think I'm sub-consciously backing away. it's scary getting close to her, because what if i lose her?