leaving paradise

Well, we leave the beach tomorrow. I'm pretty bummed about it. This has been such a relaxing vacation. Today was really amazing, pretty much perfect. I was on the beach from about noon until 6pm. The weather was picture perfect. I went with Erin, and my sister, and the guys out to the biggest beach on the island and watched them fish. They caught a sting ray and it was on the line for an hour and a half until it finally broke free. It was pretty awesome, and all these people came out to watch. The water was a really pretty green, it was almost blue. I took in all of it and I have never felt so relaxed and so at peace with my mind, body, and with the world.

This week has been pretty amazing overall. Like I said in an earlier post, I have felt little to no anxiety while I've been here. I haven't been thinking about the demons in my past, work, my lack of social life, the loneliness I feel back at home, none of that. Even my body image has been better while I've been here. I think being tan has helped a lot. I will admit that I have felt big compared to everyone else here, which sucks. My weight is just not where I want it to be. I wish I could weigh about 10lbs less. And honestly, I weighed 10lbs less about a month ago, and was still healthy and getting my period and not underweight and in the middle of my weight range. And there are still times when I want to weigh what I did when I went to Remuda. But when I think about how fucking miserable I was back then...how food didn't even have a taste, how I didn't enjoy anything I ate, how I couldn't eat a normal meal without throwing it up, I know I would never ever want to go back to that. To wanting to kill myself every single day. It was hell on earth and I would not go back to that no matter what someone promised me. It wasn't worth it, and it never will be. I was looking at pictures on my camera that have been taken of me while I have been here at the beach. And I actually kind of like my new body. It's a feeling that comes and goes for sure. But I looked at myself today and thought, hey I look healthy and I'm glowing and I don't look like I am about to die. And I think I could get used to looking like this. :)


Well when I get back home I have a busy week ahead of me. I have work on Sunday, and then a dietitian appointment on Monday, a psychiatrist appointment and group on Tuesday, and then a fundraiser for an eating disorder foundation on Wednesday, and a dermatologist appointment on Friday. And then my therapist comes back from vacation the week after next.

I am going to miss the beach crazy. Home just doesn't feel like home. Every thing bothers me there. I have no friends, my diving job is over, and so I won't have an income any more. It sucks. Oh and group is going to be over in a couple weeks. I am going to convince my parents to let me do the next support group though and hopefully that will be good.

That's all for now.

beach update

So I'm still at the beach. Except for the two days that it was rainy and cloudy, it has been paradise. I wish I never had to leave. But I have to admit I am looking forward to getting back home in my own bed, my own kitchen, and not having to share every thing with 9 other people. My birthday was on Tuesday. It was cloudy pretty much all day, but the sun finally came out at the end of the day. We had tacos for dinner, and my mom baked a funfetti birthday cake. The hardest part of the day was eating that cake. God, why does cake have to be such a bad food? I don't even like it. It is too rich and I get full so fast. But I ate it, and that's what counts. I got some really awesome birthday presents. In addition to the iPod touch my parents got me, I also got a beach tote from Erin and really pretty earrings. And necklaces from my sisters. I have also bought some other jewelry while I have been down here. I have stuck to the goal I set with my dietitian before I got here. Which was to incorporate breakfast back into my meal plan. It hasn't been as hard as I thought, but it has made lunch and dinner much harder. I am having a hard time finishing meals, and even Erin confronted me about it. I felt really guilty when she asked if everything was going okay because she noticed I wasn't finishing all my meals. I felt bad because I thought what if I was triggering her and making it harder for her at meal times. I emailed my therapist about it because it kind of made me reconsider my recovery. She asked if I was doing the best I can. And I replied that I really thought I was. She said if I am doing the best I can, then everything is okay. I said that it has been really hard for me to eat breakfast again, because of this weight gain issue, but that I was doing it anyway and trusting her and my dietitian, and trying my hardest to trust my body as well. It's not that I want to restrict, because I don't. I think my body is adjusting to the addition of breakfast into my days. I haven't had breakfast on a regular basis since Remuda. It's hard right now, but I know it will get easier.

I am having so much fun down here. Erin is one of the funniest people I know and I haven't laughed this hard in a long, long time. It's really going to suck when I get home, and she goes back to Maryland, and I will be alone again. I really need to give my social life a makeover. My mom has asked me several times if I think Erin is having fun. And I think she is. I really hope she is. Sometimes I worry I am not being a good friend because I am not that talkative. I really try and think of things to talk about, but it's like a mental block. Maybe I need to give my social skills a makeover too.

When I get home from the beach, my therapist will be on vacation. It will be the longest I have gone without seeing my therapist since Remuda. I'm not too, too worried about it. Because I know I will have other means of support while she is gone like group, my dietitian, my psychiatrist and Karen. But I am worried about all the emotions and memories that were brought up in my last therapy session. I really need to work on the homework assignment my therapist gave me. But I am scared to, because I know it's going to make me really emotional and I won't be able to call her. At least I can still email and text.

Other than all of the above, nothing much else is different. This vacation has been such a source of relaxation and rest that I have needed all summer. I haven't had any anxiety attacks while I have been here either. Nothing is better than the sunshine and ocean and the beach breeze.
R
That's it for now. I will update when I am back home.

Random thoughts

I am too lazy to put the thoughts in my head into an organized paragraph. So I'm going to just do bullet points.

- 4 days until my friend Erin comes to Richmond, and 5 days until we leave for the beach for 8 days.

- 1 week until my 23rd birthday (fuck I feel old)

- I got the iPod touch for my birthday. It's pretty sweet. I wanted an iPhone, but I will settle for this for now.

- This week is super busy. Tomorrow I have...2 practices and then a dietitian appointment. Tuesday I have a dive meet all day and then group at night. Wednesday I am getting a massage in the morning, and then practice and then therapy, and then possible practice again. But after that, I am done with my coaching job for the summer and Erin gets here Thursday!

- It seems I am having an OCD flare-up and I am not liking it one bit. I really feel like I am going crazy. I will email my psychiatrist tomorrow to see what medications need to be adjusted, if any. Because I cannot deal with these obsessive thoughts any longer.

- Country music is awesome.

- My scar on my chest from my cancerous mole removal is slowly fading, although it's still pretty nasty looking. I'm glad I got it removed though, since it turned out it had cancer in it. When I get back from the beach I have to have two more moles on my foot removed.

- Here is what I am looking forward to the most at the beach:
--- walking on the dock. eating at the steam bar on the marina. the sound of waves crashing. walking on the beach at night. blasting country music the whole time. reading as many books as possible. watching my dogs run and swim on the beach. shopping at the boutiques. perfect beach weather. getting a really nice tan. relaxing. not having to work and worrying about weigh ins and the stuff I am dealing with in therapy. climbing the lighthouse. getting to share the beach with my best friend. escaping. riding around in golf carts. chasing down cute boys. going to the alligator look-out. surfing. playing bananagrams. paddle-boarding. sitting poolside with a tropical drink. spending my birthday at the beach.

random thoughts

My dog Lucy


Some of these might makes sense, some might...it's just what is inside my head.

- the last time I was truly happy was when I was 10 years old. This needs to change.

-I live literally 2 minutes away from my parents, and yet I miss them when I go to my own house. I'm almost 22 years old, to me this is a problem.

- My birthday is on Monday. I feel so old.

- I do not know how to define the state of my eating disorder recovery. I guess I am considered "in recovery" but it doesn't really feel like it

- My oldest dog, Lucy, is 11 years old. And even though she is in perfect health and so energetic I constantly fear she is going to die soon and I don't think I could handle that.

- I need to make an appointment with my colo-rectal surgeon. I am having a lot of pain and bleeding again. This needs to be fixed, but it's such an embarrassing problem.

- I have decided to really actually talk about it. I don't want to. But I know I need to. I'm scared. I'm terrified.

- I want a baby. No really.

- It's really hard to eat right now. I get hungry, and then when the food is in front of me, the hunger goes away.

-Ultimate frisbee summer league is almost over. This makes me sad. On Sunday, I got hit really hard in the head, very painful. Still have a headache. I think I might have had a slight concussion. Oh well, I have been hit harder.

- My bed is the most comfortable thing in the world.


- I want to go back to the beach.

back from the beach

Ahhh it was SO amazing at the beach, even if I was only there for 3 days. It was SO relaxing and beautiful and now I'm tan, and I came home refreshed and relaxed. I feel great. I did alot of thinking at the beach, soul searching if that's what you want to call it. Made some decisions that are good ones, and will change my life. I decided to start looking for a new job. I realized how unhappy I am at my current job. I feel it's the worst job I've ever had. I need to be somewhere and working with people that make me happy and not out of control anxious. I have decided to commit myself in therapy to working on the abuse. Last week I was done with it, not wanting to work on it ever again. But after talking to someone who has been through trauma and overcome it, she has inspired me to fully work on mine. It's going to be hard. But I know it will be worth it.

So I have a busy week ahead of me. First round of ultimate frisbee tournament tomorrow night (so excited and pumped!) Work from 9-3 on Monday. Psychiatrist on Tuesday. Therapy on Wednesday, Frisbee again on Wednesday, and then work the rest of the week. My car is fucked up again so that sucks, don't know when I will get it back, but I have my sister's car for the time being.

Anyway, that's all the updates I have right now. My phone is turned back on (I kept it off while at the beach).

So here are some pics from the beach.

tears

Well, I've just been Miss Waterworks lately. I know there's a lot of reasons why. Not sure I really feel like going into all of it in detail

I leave for the beach tomorrow, but the rest of my family (except my older sister and I) have been down there since Saturday. I have been a basket case without them. I realize that maybe I have separation anxiety issues. Actually, I always have. Especially as a child, I would go ballistic when my parents went out to dinner and left me with the babysitter. I remember chasing after their car sobbing. That's how I feel right now. Except, I'm almost 22 years old and I feel like I shouldn't feel that attached to my parents (especially my mom) but I am. I miss my dogs too, they always always make me feel better no matter what, and they are down at the beach with the rest of my family too. I feel like my seperation anxiety issues are more intense right now. I'm thinking maybe there's a connection between that and the fact I'm working on the abuse I suffered as a child? Maybe, maybe not.

I just came from the library, where I checked out a couple of books to take to the beach. I almost had a meltdown there. Strange, I know. I went to look at the DVD's, and sitting right next to each other was the THIN documentary, and an informational video on childhood sexual abuse. While I LOVED the THIN documentary and related to it so much, it's hard for me to watch. It's very emotional and and reminds me of my bad eating disordered days. I love watching it when I'm in a good place though! And with the other video, it's like the two things in my life that are causing me the most trouble just were shoved in my face randomly. I've sort of been in avoidance mode the past week or so, just wanting to avoid any and all emotions. And I just got reminded of a lot of things when I saw those two dvd's. Sorry if that made NO sense what-so-ever.

I don't what else to say. Struggling with the ED, but no purging, so that's good. No more cutting.

Just a lot of crying.

lapse

3 weeks of no purging.

but...only 1 day with no cutting. yeah i had a lapse ( i had the word relapse).
i chose not to reach out to my therapist and instead use self destructive behaviors.
the purpose of my cutting worked though, which is scary and not good...i know.
i want to get back on track, but i am sick of feeling so many emotions at one time.
and cutting helps numb it.
i am out of town next week at the beach (so no therapy). I have to admit I am anxious about that.
but as much as i love my therapist and need her support, I have found myself very slowly starting to back away from her. this is a result from my relationship with my ex-therapist. i got so close with my last therapist and then we lost our connection and i had to leave her after 5 years (it's a really long and complicated story) , and i'm afraid of that happening again. I don't want to lose my therapist, so I think I'm sub-consciously backing away. it's scary getting close to her, because what if i lose her?

heat

I have therapy tomorrow. Last Friday after the hardest therapy session of my life, I decided I really did not want to do that again, talk about it again. But, now I do. I just feel a need to talk about it; how it's affecting me, what I feel about it, and just more of the memories. I'm scared too, but I feel like I'm going to explode by not talking about it. And I know that's healthy. And I know it's a good thing that I have a need to talk about it. But it's like....damn, this is going to be the hardest shit I've ever done.

The eating disorder is...well...just a pain in the ass. I mean I don't know how to define what my recovery is like right now. I find myself obsessing about calories, what I eat, how it makes me feel. All the urges to purge are still there, but no I'm not purging...I am fighting them. That is a good thing. The binging at night is of course still there. And I almost accept that it always will be. It's a 10 year habit, like I don't think it will go away ever. I saw someone I went to high school with the other day who I hadn't seen a while, she told me, "you look pretty skinny, is everything okay?" Okay, first of all, I'm like 99% sure I'm at a healthy weight, so I have no idea why she said that. So for her to say that, just pissed me off. Because...I don't see what she sees. Whatever.

The anxiety is just...relentless. I have been practicing my breathing a lot, it does help. But sometimes...I get this feeling in my chest. It's like a weight on my chest, like it literally feels like a cement weight on my chest. And then it's like...I cannot take a deep breath in, and so that makes me panic of course. And ugh, it's just a horrible feeling. Not necessarily a new feeling, but it feels worse that it has before...if that makes sense?

I'm going to the beach next week. I could not be more excited! The beach we go to, in North Carolina, is my favorite place in the world. So relaxing, so quiet, so remote. It's just a breath of fresh air. To be with my family, my dogs, the ocean, good food, great weather, it will just be...soo good for me. I can't wait to go running on the beach in the early morning.

It's hot as hell here this week. It's going to 105 degrees tomorrow. I mean, that's a little ridiculous. I love summer, but not that hot.

Anyway, it felt good to get these things off my chest. I love blogging. It's hard to do it sometimes though, because at times I just want to ignore it and do something else. But I know it helps in the long run.