quotations

“For it’s so clear that in order to begin to live in the present we must first redeem the past, and that can only be done by suffering, by strenuous, uninterrupted labour. Understand that, Anya.” - Anton Chekhov, the Cherry Orchard

"She wasn't bitter. She was sad, though. But it was a hopeful kind of sad. The kind of sad that just takes time." - Stephen Chbosky

"Tragedies do happen. We can discover the reason, blame others, imagine how different our lives would be had they not occurred. But none of that is important: they did occur, and so be it. From there onward we must put aside the fear that they awoke in us and begin to rebuild."
— Paulo Coelho

"My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style."
— Maya Angelou

"If love and beauty were easy to find, they would not exist. Chaos and sadness exist in order for you to find the love and beauty in them. So that love and beauty mean something. It’s meant to be hard."

— I Wrote This For You

"How does one become a butterfly? They have to want to learn to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar."
— Trina Paulus

"‘You know, you’re a little complicated after all.”
“Oh no,” she assured him hastily. “No, I’m not really - I’m just a - I’m just a whole lot of different simple people.’"

— F. Scott Fitzgerald, Tender Is the Night

"But you know happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, when one only remembers to turn on the light."
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

"Some birds aren’t meant to be caged, their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up, does rejoice."

— The Shawshank Redemption

"I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness because it shows me the stars."

— Og Mandino

scream

Today was such a fucking mess.

I woke up and I was SO tired and SO anxious. I forced myself to take a shower and make myself look presentable. I headed off to therapy. I had a lot on my mind. My therapist asked how I have been doing with my food and I told her the truth...that I have been struggling. Her response was short and to the point..."You need to get back on track." She's right...but it still stung. I should have said why I have been struggling. But she didn't ask and I didn't offer. My fault. I told her how discouraged and defeated I have felt towards my recovery lately. She said she truly believes full recovery is possible for me, that I am no different or any more messed up than anyone else. It felt good to hear her belief in me. I know that recovery is a long road, and that it will take a while. And deep down I know I can do it. It's just been really hard to believe in myself lately.
Therapy brought up a lot of emotions that I just was tired of dealing with and it was just overwhelming and it sucked.

After therapy I went to Starbucks to get some coffee to wake myself up. But with all that caffeine, I still didn't wake up enough. I struggled through my shift at the restaurant. I was so low on energy and motivation. My co-workers noticed it. I was not hungry at all. But I knew I needed to order something to eat before going to nanny. I settled for a cup of chili. I went to my nannying job and my anxiety was just continuing to climb. After work I went home and changed and re-applied make-up to get ready for the event at the art gallery. My second mom texted me and told me she was only going to be able to stay for a half hour, so that was a bummer. My anxiety was climbing and so I took a Xanax to calm myself down. I got to the art gallery and bought our tickets and waited for Mrs. Robson. The event was really cool. I admired the courageous women who told their stories and believed that, I too, could one day come to a place of healing with my trauma. Mrs. Robson left and I was sitting by myself, which was fine. I wish she could have stuck around longer so we had a chance to talk, but I think we are having dinner next week. My therapist was at the event too. But I didn't talk to her other than to say hello. I think that would have been kind of awkward to have a casual conversation with my therapist out in public. My friend Karen was there and it was good to chat with her for a little bit, and a girl from my group was there too and we talked some as well. But there really wasn't a lot of time for talking because they had a bunch of speakers. There was a Q&A at the end and I was moved to tears when the speakers continued to tell the details of their stories and how they have come to heal. It gave me hope, but also left me with sadness. I was triggered a little bit, but not as much as I thought. I thought the event was going to focus more on sexual abuse, but instead it focused more on domestic violence and partner abuse. I would have liked to have heard a woman tell her story about sexual abuse. But oh well.

Anyway, I came home and was still really anxious and just pissed off at life. I ate my dinner, sort of. Whatever. This day is done and I can start over tomorrow.

thoughts

Well today sucked. I was leaving work to go to my next job. I guess I didn't look behind me before I backed out and I ran into someone else who was backing out. The woman got out of her car and started screaming and cursing at me. Her daughter and grandchild were also in the car. She wanted to call the cops just to report the accident, but they couldn't come to the accident because it was in a parking lot, and not a busy road or street. I called the mom of the kids I babysit to tell her I might be late to the bus stop. She asked if I was okay and I started crying. I felt stupid. I didn't want to cry. But it was like, when you try so hard not to cry that you make this weird face and cry anyway. I just couldn't stop crying. It was just a scary situation and I felt stupid for not looking before I backed out. The damage to the other persons car wasn't too bad, and I only had a minor scrape on my Jeep. We exchanged insurance information and I went on to the bus stop because there was still time before the bus got there. One of the other moms, who my boss had already called and told I might be late...saw my bloodshot eyes and my splotchy face and asked if I was okay and I started crying again and she pulled me into a hug. I just had to take lots of deep breaths before I stopped crying. I was so upset that I was not hungry at all. I managed to eat some of my lunch, but probably not enough. When Jane (my boss, the mom) got home she had brought a flower with her to give to me. It was so sweet!

I'm just...frustrated with food right now. I feel like I will never be able to eat as well as I did in treatment and the couple of months after. I want to eat normally. Yet sometimes I feel like I get so full so fast, that it's impossible to finish my meal. I have cravings for food, specific food sometimes, yet the ED part of my brain tells me that I should settle for a salad instead of a sandwich. Sometimes I want a root beer instead of water or diet coke, so I settle for a water because my ED tells me to. I love ice cream and chocolate, but ED won't let me have it whenever I want it. Because I am still gaining weight (when I don't even need to) I am scared of eating things that are normal. Am I restricting? Yes. Any dietitian would say I am. It's not enough to lose weight, and while that shouldn't be an excuse, it's a failure to ED. I should not give ED so much power. I am stronger than him. I don't want to be at the weight I was pre-treatment, but I do not see the possibility of accepting my body at the weight it is now, which is a good 20-30lbs heavier than 8 months ago. I know that food is just a symptom. And I know the reasons behind my symptoms. But does anyone else feel like eating disorders are so much more complicated than feeling bad about something and using behaviors to cope with it? I just feel like there are so many factors and so many feelings and emotions and just SO much that goes on and it's like...people really recovery fully? How? For me, it just feels so...crazy. Impossible? Maybe. When you have lived with a brain like mine for as long as I have, full recovery seems pretttty impossible. I think I might pose a question to my therapist and dietitian. Do they think full recovery is possible for me? If so, what exactly do I need to do, to achieve that? I want them to tell me what they truly think, and not just what they are supposed to say.

Well, that's all that's on my mind right now. I'm feeling a lot better since last night. My sore throat is gone, I'm not achy all over, and I don't feel feverish. I'm just really congested and tired. But at least it's getting better.

I will write more on Thursday!

sick

I've been sick the past week. It's been getting worse every day. Today it was the worst. My whole body aches. I don't think I've had a fever, which makes me think I have a virus. Fortunately I had the whole day off work today, so I slept in until 1pm, then crashed at my parent's house the rest of the day, watching TV and napping. I went out to dinner with my mom and my sisters, because I had to eat. They were not sympathetic to how bad I was feeling at all. It really made me mad. It's 10pm and I'm probably going to go up to bed in a few minutes. I have to go back to work tomorrow and if I don't feel any better tomorrow then it's going to be a long day.

Because I have been sick, not much has been on my mind besides how awful I feel. This Thursday is an event at a local art gallery called "Through the Fire: Reclaiming Lost Power after Trauma and Abuse." I have been really wanting to go to it, but had no one to go with and have been thinking it is not such a good idea to go to an event like this alone. When I told my second mom about it a couple weeks ago, she said she would love to go with me but needed to check her calander. She texted me last night and told me she can go! I am so glad! Having her there with me will help so much! I am still really nervous about it, but I am hoping I will walk away from it with insight and feeling stronger to heal from my trauma.

Well, I really don't have much else to say. Sorry this was so boring. Maybe I will have something more interesting to say later on in the week.

new hair

nostalgia

I feel like my blog has been really boring/negative lately. At first I wanted to change it, but I realized if I did that then I wouldn't be writing things that aren't from my heart, and instead writing what people want to hear. A large part of why I keep this blog is for myself. It helps to sort out my thoughts, and what goes on for me day to day. The fact that my blog is public is because I hope that my struggles, as well as triumphs, will help people in some way, help them feel like they are not alone in their struggles. I think every one can benefit from knowing they aren't alone. That's my little thought for the day. Now onto some other things...

I don't know if it's the cooler weather, but lately I have been reminded of Remuda a lot. I hear a song that we used to play or sing, I see a shirt hanging in my closet that I wore when I was there, or my head just goes back to silly, yet meaningful memories. My first two weeks at Remuda this time around were hell. They were still trying to figure out my anxiety meds and nothing was really working. I was so anxious that I was regurgitating my meals (not on purpose). But none the less, I was still doing really hard work and interacting with the other girls. I don't know that I miss Remuda, well sometimes I do. As deeply uncomfortable as it was at times, there were also the times it felt comforting. The strict schedule, the faces of people you saw day in and day out, the horses, the chapel, it became familiar after a while. Maybe I have been thinking about it more because I have been struggling a little bit. Maybe I wish I could go back for a week and be reminded of why I don't want an eating disorder. But I know I don't want to go back...ever. And perhaps that's the best motivation ever. Knowing I don't want to waste another 3-4 months of my life. I know, it's not wasting it if I was getting help. But there is so much more than a life of eating disorders. This I have to believe, because I don't really remember a life consisting of a normal relationship with food. It will come, in time.

Therapy was...difficult yesterday. Not really in the mood to elaborate, but I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that I was extremely tired. I had another slip-up with self harm this week and...blah. I don't feel like writing about it. Moving on.


There's really not much else going on. I am so glad it's Friday. I am getting my hair dyed dark brown tomorrow. I can't wait! I am so tired of my boring brown hair. I don't have to work on Monday so I am really happy about that too. Anyway, that's all I have for now!

worn out

I am so tired. I feel so run down and worn out. I live for the weekends because that's when I can re-energize myself. It is such a struggle to get through the week. *Sigh*

I had to wake up this morning at 7am, for an appointment with my psychiatrist a half hour away. I basically went in my pajamas, no make-up on, hair in a messy bun. I didn't care. I was so freaking tired and I hate mornings so much. I thought I wouldn't be able to talk about much so early in the morning, but I was able to express the feelings I have been feeling lately pertaining to that one horrible year of my life when I was 11-12. He offered some really good insight. And I am anxious to talk to my therapist about it tomorrow. I think I have been hindering my recovery lately by keeping these things to myself. As painful as that period in my life is, I know it is so necessary to talk about it in order to live a healthy life, to regain my power, and to not have fear rule my life.

After the appointment I came back home and went back to sleep for a couple hours before I had to get up again and get ready for work. I was so tired that I didn't feel like taking a shower or planning an outfit. I just threw on some jeans and a gray boyfriend t-shirt. Well wouldn't you know that I saw like 3 people I knew at work today. I looked gross and huge. It was so embarrassing. I just wanted to crawl into a hole.

After my first job, I got lunch to go and went on to my second job. I ate what I usually eat for lunch...a salad with grilled chicken on top. But for some reason today I got really full and sick after eating it. The first thought that popped in my head was that I wanted to purge. But I didn't. The fullness feeling went away eventually, but whenever I think about that meal I feel sick. I don't know what it was. Ugh. The kids at work were especially rowdy and unruly. I was just really annoyed. The youngest kid is grounded again and that means I have to entertain him. I am starting to think that's not really fair to me.

After work, I went home and took a quick shower because I felt so gross and dirty. Then I had an appointment with my dietitian. While in the waiting room, my therapist was getting her things together and about to leave (she and my dietitian share an office suite). It was good to just casually chat with her and crack some jokes while waiting on my dietitian. My dietitian appointment went well. I am doing better with breakfast, and I didn't skip as many meals this week. Although, I exercised a little too much this week, but nothing to be concerned about. I just need to cut back a little bit. I can deal with that. My dietitian had not weighed me in a month so she felt like she needed to. I did not look at the number. At first, part of me wished I had. I wanted to know my weight so much. I wanted that control factor. I wanted to know if it had gone down or up or stayed the same since a month ago. My dietitian didn't tell me the number, only that I had gained weight. Excuse my language but...WHAT THE FUCK. I was just about to die right then and there. I can't even think about it or write about it now because, well...this whole thing sucks. My dietitian doesn't know why I am still gaining weight. It's not like I'm overeating. If anything, I am eating less than I did at Remuda. And as I remember, I had a really hard time gaining weight at Remuda. I only gained 5lbs while I was there. Why is the number still going up? My dietitian wants me to get all this blood work done because she things something might be wrong with me. Super.

So after that I went to the grocery store. I made a poor, ED choice and had fruit for dinner. But I wasn't hungry, not at all. I still felt disgusted after lunch. I was getting drowsy from taking my anxiety medication earlier so I went to my bed and fell asleep. I woke up suddenly and felt really nauseous and thought I was going to puke. But I guess I was tired enough to sleep through it.

Now I feel super anxious and really uncomfortable in my skin. I have therapy in the morning. I am going to curl into a ball on her couch. Remember the movie Forrest Gump? The quote..."Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly. Fly far, far away from here." That's how I feel right now.