I feel like my blog has been really boring/negative lately. At first I wanted to change it, but I realized if I did that then I wouldn't be writing things that aren't from my heart, and instead writing what people want to hear. A large part of why I keep this blog is for myself. It helps to sort out my thoughts, and what goes on for me day to day. The fact that my blog is public is because I hope that my struggles, as well as triumphs, will help people in some way, help them feel like they are not alone in their struggles. I think every one can benefit from knowing they aren't alone. That's my little thought for the day. Now onto some other things...
I don't know if it's the cooler weather, but lately I have been reminded of Remuda a lot. I hear a song that we used to play or sing, I see a shirt hanging in my closet that I wore when I was there, or my head just goes back to silly, yet meaningful memories. My first two weeks at Remuda this time around were hell. They were still trying to figure out my anxiety meds and nothing was really working. I was so anxious that I was regurgitating my meals (not on purpose). But none the less, I was still doing really hard work and interacting with the other girls. I don't know that I miss Remuda, well sometimes I do. As deeply uncomfortable as it was at times, there were also the times it felt comforting. The strict schedule, the faces of people you saw day in and day out, the horses, the chapel, it became familiar after a while. Maybe I have been thinking about it more because I have been struggling a little bit. Maybe I wish I could go back for a week and be reminded of why I don't want an eating disorder. But I know I don't want to go back...ever. And perhaps that's the best motivation ever. Knowing I don't want to waste another 3-4 months of my life. I know, it's not wasting it if I was getting help. But there is so much more than a life of eating disorders. This I have to believe, because I don't really remember a life consisting of a normal relationship with food. It will come, in time.
Therapy was...difficult yesterday. Not really in the mood to elaborate, but I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that I was extremely tired. I had another slip-up with self harm this week and...blah. I don't feel like writing about it. Moving on.
There's really not much else going on. I am so glad it's Friday. I am getting my hair dyed dark brown tomorrow. I can't wait! I am so tired of my boring brown hair. I don't have to work on Monday so I am really happy about that too. Anyway, that's all I have for now!
I don't think your blog is boring! Not at all! I think it is very honest and I think people appreciate that.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you dont want to go back to a treatment center. I think that shows a lot of progress. I think even though you have some rough times and a few slip ups, you are doing really hard work.
Post a photo of your hair! Can't wait to see it!
Hey, my blog is private because of my new job. Im not writing on it anymore. :( At least for now....sad.
I'm glad to see that you are able to recognize that there are reasons why you do NOT want to end up in treatment. On the days that are the hardest, those thoughts are the ones that will get you through the day and on to the next one.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about wanting but not wanting to go back to Remuda. Every now and then, I feel like I am due for another trip back to the Ranch & Spa, but I know that I will not let myself get into the circumstances that would allow me to go back. The thing I liked most about Remuda was knowing that there was ALWAYS going to be someone there to talk to and support me, to have faith in me and my recovery no matter how much I was struggling. You need to know that you, too have that. It just may not always be in the form of face-to-face contact. Like I've said before, I will always be there for you, any time of day. I am glad that you decided to keep your blog public. I know that it may seem like not many people enjoy it, but most people probably either don't know what to comment because they have no experience with someone who is struggling/recovering from an eating disorder or the people who are reading it are going through the same thing you are and are just too scared to write it down, admitting their sickness. Stay strong. I miss you!
Your blog is for your thoughts. Same for mine. I rarely if ever censor myself because I know there are other people out there that could benefit from my transparency.
ReplyDeleteTry not to be too hard on yourself for the relapse with self harm. It's a war that we fight with that and you just can't win every battle.