I saw my dietitian this afternoon. I'm still progressing well in recovery. I am pretty much abstaining from restricting about 90% of the time, which just blows my mind! I do have urges to purge, but I always fight them off. About 95% of the time I eat what I want to, rather than eating what my eating disorder wants me to eat.
But, I realized today I still have things I need to work really hard on. My body image has been really crappy lately. For a little while it was actually a lot better, so I'm not sure what made me feel so fat again. I still have it in my head that I need to lose weight, that I want to. I have these rules that I have had since my eating disorder began. I have such a hard time eating in front of people. I do way, way better eating in a group situation. If I eat in front of just one person then I feel like they are judging the way I eat. And I hate that feeling. I have this fear of being judged by my roommate for what I buy at the grocery store. So, if she's home, I won't bring in my groceries unless she is either asleep or isn't here. And some things I buy from the store I keep in my room because I am afraid she will judge me for it not being a "good food".
My dietitian scared the heck out of me today when she asked if I would be willing to go out to eat with her one time, as a challenge. I looked at her like she was crazy and I say I couldn't. She said that we can go when I am ready. I'm thinking maybe I'll never be, so maybe I should just go ahead and suck it up. Ahhh but it's so scary, especially with my dietitian? I mean I love her and everything, but she would totally be analyzing how I eat.
I'm anxious to talk to my therapist about all of this. I had therapy this morning, but that was before my dietitian appointment. I'm thinking I want to start focusing on the things the eating disorder holds me back from. I'm feeling ambivalent about therapy right now actually. But I don't feel like getting into that.
Showing posts with label body image. Show all posts
Showing posts with label body image. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
A revelation and other things...
Tonight, I took the kids I nanny to diving practice. This is the same pool I coached at last summer, so I know a lot of the people there. I have known for years that my old therapist and her family belong there as well. And I even ran into her last summer. Tonight I ran into her again. I actually went up to her. I saw her as a therapist for 5 years and it was an intense and sometimes complicated and unhealthy relationship, and in the end I chose to leave her because things were too messy. But I hold no hard feelings against her. She saved my life in a lot of ways and saw me through the hellish years of high school. So, even though I get nervous when I see her, I never pass up an opportunity to go up and talk to her. And so that is what I did. She gave me a big hug and we talked for about 10 minutes. Just catching her up on where I am working these days, talking about our dogs, where I am living, and other gossip. At one point she said to me, "Well, you look wonderful!" To which I replied with, "Thank you! I have gained a lot of weight..." She said, "but you look healthy and happy". To most people in recovery from an eating disorder, the word "healthy" is not a positive compliment. And usually I roll my eyes to myself when someone says that because I don't think they really mean that, blah blah blah. But when she said it to me, I felt that she meant it. I felt that she was happy for me. She also mentioned that it seemed like I was doing really well. The topic of my eating disorder and other related issues never came up, but perhaps what she was seeing was my "inner light", which so many people have told me over the past year that I have such a thing. It motivated me to start doing better with life, with recovery. For so long I have wanted and tried to be sicker in order to gain attention and so-called praise. But tonight, something switched on (or off) in my brain. I realized how happy this person was for me. And she wasn't just some unimportant person in my life. She knew me like the back of her hand and knew all my deepest, darkest secrets. She was genuine in her compliments for me and it made me feel happy.
Depression wise, things are kind of at a stand still. That heaviness I was feeling is still there, though not quite as intense. I think I'm more numb than anything. Although, sometimes I wonder if I can really tell at all how I'm feeling. I'm not quite sure. It's frustrating. Thoughts of suicide are definitely still there, especially when I think about my future. I'm trying really hard to push through that, and of course stay honest with those thoughts.
I started a new medication for my depression. It's called Abilify and I am taking it in addition to the Prozac. It's make me pretty nauseous, but that's really the only side effect. I've only been on it a few days. Hopefully it will start to work soon.
Things with food are pretty okay. 2 weeks no purging. I struggle with restricting here and there, especially on the days that my anxiety is sky-high. It's by no means normal, or anywhere close to it. I'm scared of eating normal, of gaining weight. Speaking of that, I'm having a horrible time with body image. Especially since now the weather is so hot that I have to wear shorts. I try to remind myself of how strong my body is now, and that I'm healthy. Even though I know about where my weight is right now, I am making myself not look at my weight at my dietitian appointments, or using the scale at work. It gets me no where.
Tomorrow and Friday I have therapy and dietitian appointments. I'm pretty anxious about them. I do have a lot going on and I just hope I can find the strength to stay honest and use the tools and wisdom my treatment team provides me with.
Depression wise, things are kind of at a stand still. That heaviness I was feeling is still there, though not quite as intense. I think I'm more numb than anything. Although, sometimes I wonder if I can really tell at all how I'm feeling. I'm not quite sure. It's frustrating. Thoughts of suicide are definitely still there, especially when I think about my future. I'm trying really hard to push through that, and of course stay honest with those thoughts.
I started a new medication for my depression. It's called Abilify and I am taking it in addition to the Prozac. It's make me pretty nauseous, but that's really the only side effect. I've only been on it a few days. Hopefully it will start to work soon.
Things with food are pretty okay. 2 weeks no purging. I struggle with restricting here and there, especially on the days that my anxiety is sky-high. It's by no means normal, or anywhere close to it. I'm scared of eating normal, of gaining weight. Speaking of that, I'm having a horrible time with body image. Especially since now the weather is so hot that I have to wear shorts. I try to remind myself of how strong my body is now, and that I'm healthy. Even though I know about where my weight is right now, I am making myself not look at my weight at my dietitian appointments, or using the scale at work. It gets me no where.
Tomorrow and Friday I have therapy and dietitian appointments. I'm pretty anxious about them. I do have a lot going on and I just hope I can find the strength to stay honest and use the tools and wisdom my treatment team provides me with.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Stuck
I continue to feel stuck. I have good days and bad days. Which is what recovery is I guess. But it feels more discouraging then it did six months ago.
I have moments where I can imagine that hope again. I can practically feel it. I believe in recovery and believe it will work for me, and I will be able to achieve it. I am overcome with emotion in those moments, envisioning myself without an eating disorder, loving life and myself.
And then I have moments where going backwards would be easier then staying where I am now. It's almost like a limbo. It at times feels like being in between recovery and relapse, having a need for behaviors. My dietitian agrees. She tells me I am in the part of recovery where there are almost constant ups and downs.
I don't understand how it went from feeling on top of the world and full of hope for several months, to being in the place where I am now. It's very, very frustrating.
Eating is okay, I think. I skip meals here and there, which isn't deal. But I am trying harder. I have more fight, or at least it feels that way. I find myself challenging myself with foods I enjoy, eating for pleasure, instead of just for survival. I sometimes feel guilt after eating things like girl scout cookies, candy, or chips. But I enjoy it in the moment. When things get too tough emotionally, my head immediately thinks of bingeing/purging. I have not given in.
Body image is such a roller coaster. For a while I actually somewhat kind of liked what I looked like. I appreciated that I looked healthy and alive. Right now I'm in this place where I want to lose weight, but in order to do that I feel like I would have to go back to purging. I constantly compare my body to others. I have been throwing away old clothes. Clothes that fit me for years, look like a child's clothes to me now. Jeans that fit me a year ago, I am not able to get past my thighs. It's discouraging. But I think it's worth it. I accept the weight I am. I know it's where I need to be to maintain health. But I still don't like it, and at times I still want it to be lower. But I guess the good thing is that I am not actively trying to lose weight.
I had a horrible day yesterday. I found out one of my dogs, Lucy, has throat cancer, and isn't expected to live but a couple more months. I was inconsolable. I can't imagine my life without her. She came from such a broken and cruel world before we rescued and adopted her. I love her so, so much. I have been crying on and off since I found out yesterday. Going in and out of denial as well. For now she doesn't seem to be in pain, but she struggles to eat and swallow, and I can't take her on long walks anymore, or throw a tennis ball with her. It just about kills me.
I feel like I want to vomit when I think about it.
I am moving into a new place this weekend. I am excited, but more stressed. I have so much packing and cleaning to do. It just feels like so much right now. Once I am all moved in, I am sure I will feel alot better.
Panic seems to have crept back into my life. I have had two panic attacks in the past two weeks. Bad panic attacks too, the kind where I almost pass out and can't see, breathe, move, or speak. It's been scary and frustrating dealing with that again.
All in all, as hard and as scary and confusing and frustrating as things are right now, how incredibly overwhelming and difficult my life is at the moment, I have a lot to be thankful for.
I am so blessed to have a God who loves me and cares about me, who is with me every step of the way. He provides me with so much comfort and peace and guidance. I am so glad I have let the Lord back into my heart this past year, though I suspect He never left, because I am still alive after all I put my body through for the past 9 years.
I have an amazingly wonderful treatment team. Amazing.
My best friends mean the absolute world to me. Especially the girls I met in treatment. No one gets this journey like they do. What a blessing.
The family I nanny for provide me with comic relief.
But for now, I need my rest. I haven't felt like I have had a break in weeks. It's taking its toll.
I have moments where I can imagine that hope again. I can practically feel it. I believe in recovery and believe it will work for me, and I will be able to achieve it. I am overcome with emotion in those moments, envisioning myself without an eating disorder, loving life and myself.
And then I have moments where going backwards would be easier then staying where I am now. It's almost like a limbo. It at times feels like being in between recovery and relapse, having a need for behaviors. My dietitian agrees. She tells me I am in the part of recovery where there are almost constant ups and downs.
I don't understand how it went from feeling on top of the world and full of hope for several months, to being in the place where I am now. It's very, very frustrating.
Eating is okay, I think. I skip meals here and there, which isn't deal. But I am trying harder. I have more fight, or at least it feels that way. I find myself challenging myself with foods I enjoy, eating for pleasure, instead of just for survival. I sometimes feel guilt after eating things like girl scout cookies, candy, or chips. But I enjoy it in the moment. When things get too tough emotionally, my head immediately thinks of bingeing/purging. I have not given in.
Body image is such a roller coaster. For a while I actually somewhat kind of liked what I looked like. I appreciated that I looked healthy and alive. Right now I'm in this place where I want to lose weight, but in order to do that I feel like I would have to go back to purging. I constantly compare my body to others. I have been throwing away old clothes. Clothes that fit me for years, look like a child's clothes to me now. Jeans that fit me a year ago, I am not able to get past my thighs. It's discouraging. But I think it's worth it. I accept the weight I am. I know it's where I need to be to maintain health. But I still don't like it, and at times I still want it to be lower. But I guess the good thing is that I am not actively trying to lose weight.
I had a horrible day yesterday. I found out one of my dogs, Lucy, has throat cancer, and isn't expected to live but a couple more months. I was inconsolable. I can't imagine my life without her. She came from such a broken and cruel world before we rescued and adopted her. I love her so, so much. I have been crying on and off since I found out yesterday. Going in and out of denial as well. For now she doesn't seem to be in pain, but she struggles to eat and swallow, and I can't take her on long walks anymore, or throw a tennis ball with her. It just about kills me.
I feel like I want to vomit when I think about it.
I am moving into a new place this weekend. I am excited, but more stressed. I have so much packing and cleaning to do. It just feels like so much right now. Once I am all moved in, I am sure I will feel alot better.
Panic seems to have crept back into my life. I have had two panic attacks in the past two weeks. Bad panic attacks too, the kind where I almost pass out and can't see, breathe, move, or speak. It's been scary and frustrating dealing with that again.
All in all, as hard and as scary and confusing and frustrating as things are right now, how incredibly overwhelming and difficult my life is at the moment, I have a lot to be thankful for.
I am so blessed to have a God who loves me and cares about me, who is with me every step of the way. He provides me with so much comfort and peace and guidance. I am so glad I have let the Lord back into my heart this past year, though I suspect He never left, because I am still alive after all I put my body through for the past 9 years.
I have an amazingly wonderful treatment team. Amazing.
My best friends mean the absolute world to me. Especially the girls I met in treatment. No one gets this journey like they do. What a blessing.
The family I nanny for provide me with comic relief.
But for now, I need my rest. I haven't felt like I have had a break in weeks. It's taking its toll.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Struggling.
I'm having a particularly shitty day. I feel the need to vent.
First off, my day started out rough when I overslept a little this morning and didn't have time to shower. So physically, I was just feeling icky. Then I went off to work. My manager on Wednesdays is HUGE bitch. HUGE. And today she was feeling bitchier than usual. Another one of my co-workers, who is also a huge bitch, also felt the need to pick on me too. Just because I'm not a server, doesn't mean I am your personal slave, so get the fucking water pitcher yourself bitch. And next time you want me to get you something, try saying "please" and "thank you". GOD. Ughhh. So anyway, I pretty much had to fight through tears my whole shift because of those two.
My day got a little better after that when I went to babysit the kids. So from around 2 until 6ish, things were pretty good.
Then I had an appointment with my dietitian at 7pm. I was really nervous going into it. I have been struggling lately. Not so much with behaviors, although there have been instances where I have been restricting. But struggling more so with eating disordered thoughts and urges. It was good to talk it out with my dietitian. And I really felt like I got some good feedback from her.
It's just frustrating though. I feel like I have all the right tools and coping skills to deal with my eating disorder. 9 times out of 10 I use those tools. But what people sometimes don't understand about recovery is that sometimes pushing through the urges and doing the healthy thing feels really crappy. And lately that's what I have been struggling with. I miss my eating disorder right now. It has always been there. Life has thrown me a lot of punches lately, and my eating disorder, if I was using it, would make me forget about all of the crappy stuff going on. This stage of recovery I'm in right now, it's exhausting. From the outside looking in, people who don't understand eating disorders and recovery, think that I came home from treatment in March and that I am all better now. Fixed. I am a lot better, yes. But not fixed. And it's a very lonely place to be when you realize that not everyone "gets it". I have my Remuda sisters, of course. But they live so far away, not close enough that I can drive to their house and cry on their shoulder and know that they know what I'm going through.I'm tired of hearing people tell me, "But Holly, look how far you have come, look at all the great work you are doing. Please, Please don't go back to ED." Not that I don't appreciate their words of wisdom and their support, I just wish I was hearing something else right now. I don't exactly know what that is. Maybe it would be comforting to hear..."Yes it is hard". So maybe I wouldn't feel like I'm fucking this up. Maybe there is something else that is going on that is causing me to feel so awful. I'm not really sure. I feel very confused. Very lost.
I was having a good run with body image there for a while. I started to actually like my body. But then I weighed myself and BOOM, well there goes that. I can't even look at my profile picture on Facebook right now because I will critique it until there is nothing left to critique. I'm just very frustrated with my weight, which has maintained for 2 months now. I still would like to lose weight. Yeah, I said it. SO not a recovery oriented thing to say, but hey this post is all about the struggles of recovery.
I'm not really sure where to go from here. Other than just pray on all of this. Ask God for His help. To help me figure out what to do, or where to go from here.
Any support, wisdom, advice, cyber hugs, or prayers would be greatly appreciated.
First off, my day started out rough when I overslept a little this morning and didn't have time to shower. So physically, I was just feeling icky. Then I went off to work. My manager on Wednesdays is HUGE bitch. HUGE. And today she was feeling bitchier than usual. Another one of my co-workers, who is also a huge bitch, also felt the need to pick on me too. Just because I'm not a server, doesn't mean I am your personal slave, so get the fucking water pitcher yourself bitch. And next time you want me to get you something, try saying "please" and "thank you". GOD. Ughhh. So anyway, I pretty much had to fight through tears my whole shift because of those two.
My day got a little better after that when I went to babysit the kids. So from around 2 until 6ish, things were pretty good.
Then I had an appointment with my dietitian at 7pm. I was really nervous going into it. I have been struggling lately. Not so much with behaviors, although there have been instances where I have been restricting. But struggling more so with eating disordered thoughts and urges. It was good to talk it out with my dietitian. And I really felt like I got some good feedback from her.
It's just frustrating though. I feel like I have all the right tools and coping skills to deal with my eating disorder. 9 times out of 10 I use those tools. But what people sometimes don't understand about recovery is that sometimes pushing through the urges and doing the healthy thing feels really crappy. And lately that's what I have been struggling with. I miss my eating disorder right now. It has always been there. Life has thrown me a lot of punches lately, and my eating disorder, if I was using it, would make me forget about all of the crappy stuff going on. This stage of recovery I'm in right now, it's exhausting. From the outside looking in, people who don't understand eating disorders and recovery, think that I came home from treatment in March and that I am all better now. Fixed. I am a lot better, yes. But not fixed. And it's a very lonely place to be when you realize that not everyone "gets it". I have my Remuda sisters, of course. But they live so far away, not close enough that I can drive to their house and cry on their shoulder and know that they know what I'm going through.I'm tired of hearing people tell me, "But Holly, look how far you have come, look at all the great work you are doing. Please, Please don't go back to ED." Not that I don't appreciate their words of wisdom and their support, I just wish I was hearing something else right now. I don't exactly know what that is. Maybe it would be comforting to hear..."Yes it is hard". So maybe I wouldn't feel like I'm fucking this up. Maybe there is something else that is going on that is causing me to feel so awful. I'm not really sure. I feel very confused. Very lost.
I was having a good run with body image there for a while. I started to actually like my body. But then I weighed myself and BOOM, well there goes that. I can't even look at my profile picture on Facebook right now because I will critique it until there is nothing left to critique. I'm just very frustrated with my weight, which has maintained for 2 months now. I still would like to lose weight. Yeah, I said it. SO not a recovery oriented thing to say, but hey this post is all about the struggles of recovery.
I'm not really sure where to go from here. Other than just pray on all of this. Ask God for His help. To help me figure out what to do, or where to go from here.
Any support, wisdom, advice, cyber hugs, or prayers would be greatly appreciated.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Things are looking up!
Finalllllly, I can write a positive post!
I know my last blog post was kind of depressing and negative. But things are going better, thank goodness. I saw my therapist today. It was a really good session. We talked about Monday night, and how it probably wasn't a good decision to tell my dietitian about my trauma. Not because she doesn't love me (she is the most loving person ever) but because she doesn't really know how to make sure I stay grounded when talking about my past. I don't regret telling her, I only regret not taking better care of myself.
Last week my therapist mentioned taking a field trip to the school where my abuse occurred. I have been thinking a lot about it and thought it would be a good idea. It would help me see that even though bad things happened there, it is not a bad place. And there were good things that did happen there. I think it would help me to make peace with everything and help me move forward. So I said this to my therapist today and she is totally down with it. We are going to take the field trip in 2 weeks. It should be interesting and hopefully a healing experience.
I was talking with my therapist about how I still have a lot of my "anorexic clothes" around my house. In particular, three pairs of jeans that don't fit anymore, not even close. I also have some winter shirts that are tight around my arms and are getting uncomfortable to wear. I don't think I am ready to get rid of all of these clothes yet. There is a tiny piece of me that still wishes I fit into those jeans. My therapist challenged me to get rid of the smallest pair of jeans. I think I can do it, even though it will be hard. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with them. I feel like maybe I need to do some sort of ritual with them. Suggestions?
My therapist said my assignment for this week is to practice grounding skills every morning. I am hoping this will help with my anxiety and my surrounding trauma issues. I am feeling more hopeful, feeling like my anxiety is starting to lessen, and I am getting my power back.
I had a moment today at work when my body image got really bad. Someone I work with (who knows about my eating disorder) said, "Yeah you were kind of too big there for a while but now your weight seems to have leveled out. You looked really bloated for a long time." I'm not really sure why people think it's okay to comment on someone else's weight, especially when you know they have suffered from an eating disorder. I just felt really huge when she said that. Is that way I see myself the way people see me too?
I am getting increasingly anxious about Thanksgiving. It will be my first Thanksgiving in 9 years that I am not using eating disorder behaviors. I will eat breakfast that day, eat lunch, and eat a normal dinner and not binge like crazy and then purge. My dietitian is going to see me next week sometime before Thanksgiving, and I have a session with my therapist the day after. So I know I will have lots of support. Be on the lookout for a "I'm thankful for..." post.
Not much else is going on. I am looking forward to group on Monday night, to get some feedback from my Wise Women about stuff that has been going on. I have decided what I want my next tattoo to be. It's going to be a labyrinth with the word "unbroken" written around it. I can't decide if I want it on the back of my neck or my shoulder blade. I am probably going to wait until after the new year to get it.
Anyway, that's it for now.
I know my last blog post was kind of depressing and negative. But things are going better, thank goodness. I saw my therapist today. It was a really good session. We talked about Monday night, and how it probably wasn't a good decision to tell my dietitian about my trauma. Not because she doesn't love me (she is the most loving person ever) but because she doesn't really know how to make sure I stay grounded when talking about my past. I don't regret telling her, I only regret not taking better care of myself.
Last week my therapist mentioned taking a field trip to the school where my abuse occurred. I have been thinking a lot about it and thought it would be a good idea. It would help me see that even though bad things happened there, it is not a bad place. And there were good things that did happen there. I think it would help me to make peace with everything and help me move forward. So I said this to my therapist today and she is totally down with it. We are going to take the field trip in 2 weeks. It should be interesting and hopefully a healing experience.
I was talking with my therapist about how I still have a lot of my "anorexic clothes" around my house. In particular, three pairs of jeans that don't fit anymore, not even close. I also have some winter shirts that are tight around my arms and are getting uncomfortable to wear. I don't think I am ready to get rid of all of these clothes yet. There is a tiny piece of me that still wishes I fit into those jeans. My therapist challenged me to get rid of the smallest pair of jeans. I think I can do it, even though it will be hard. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with them. I feel like maybe I need to do some sort of ritual with them. Suggestions?
My therapist said my assignment for this week is to practice grounding skills every morning. I am hoping this will help with my anxiety and my surrounding trauma issues. I am feeling more hopeful, feeling like my anxiety is starting to lessen, and I am getting my power back.
I had a moment today at work when my body image got really bad. Someone I work with (who knows about my eating disorder) said, "Yeah you were kind of too big there for a while but now your weight seems to have leveled out. You looked really bloated for a long time." I'm not really sure why people think it's okay to comment on someone else's weight, especially when you know they have suffered from an eating disorder. I just felt really huge when she said that. Is that way I see myself the way people see me too?
I am getting increasingly anxious about Thanksgiving. It will be my first Thanksgiving in 9 years that I am not using eating disorder behaviors. I will eat breakfast that day, eat lunch, and eat a normal dinner and not binge like crazy and then purge. My dietitian is going to see me next week sometime before Thanksgiving, and I have a session with my therapist the day after. So I know I will have lots of support. Be on the lookout for a "I'm thankful for..." post.
Not much else is going on. I am looking forward to group on Monday night, to get some feedback from my Wise Women about stuff that has been going on. I have decided what I want my next tattoo to be. It's going to be a labyrinth with the word "unbroken" written around it. I can't decide if I want it on the back of my neck or my shoulder blade. I am probably going to wait until after the new year to get it.
Anyway, that's it for now.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Baby steps
Geez, is tomorrow really Thursday already? This week has flown by. And I'm like not even sure how to evaluate how this week has gone so far.
I think as far as food goes, I have done pretty well. Maybe not as well as last week, but nothing significantly worse either. I have had breakfast every morning (still in love with greek yogurt with fruit). I have had lunch every day too, as well as dinner. But, my appetite has decreased a lot and it has made eating very difficult. At times it feels physically impossible to take another bite. I'm not sure why my appetite has gone away so much, it could just be stress.
Which leads me to my next paragraph. Stress. This week has just been so stressful. I just feel like I have so many things to do, and not enough time. I work all day and by the end of the day I just want to crawl in bed, but I have to go to the bank and the grocery store and the bookstore and my parent's house and I have to exercise and do laundry and clean and write emails and make phone calls. I've been very on edge and bitchy. And then I feel really overwhelmed with everything, and that brings on lots of urges to b/p. But I haven't! Which is what is important. And it's good that I can recognize what makes me have those urges and be able to stop myself from acting out.
I've really been upping my game on the positive self-talk, which is something my therapist is always urging me to do. My face is breaking out right now, and most of today I would look in the mirror and just feel disgusted, but I had my moments today when I looked in the mirror and I said to myself, I am beautiful. It helps! It's not a fix, but I think if I keep it up then maybe I will start to believe it! I ordered a body image workbook on Amazon that my therapist and dietitian told me about, hopefully that will help too!
I am really excited because....I signed up for an eating disorder awareness walk next weekend. And my two (maybe 3) best friends from Remuda are coming too! The woman who I heard speak at the event last week will be speaking at this walk too so I'm excited to catch up with her! I've never done an ED walk before so I'm excited for this.
Well, I have therapy tomorrow and my dietitian on Friday so I will check back in on Friday or Saturday and update then!
I think as far as food goes, I have done pretty well. Maybe not as well as last week, but nothing significantly worse either. I have had breakfast every morning (still in love with greek yogurt with fruit). I have had lunch every day too, as well as dinner. But, my appetite has decreased a lot and it has made eating very difficult. At times it feels physically impossible to take another bite. I'm not sure why my appetite has gone away so much, it could just be stress.
Which leads me to my next paragraph. Stress. This week has just been so stressful. I just feel like I have so many things to do, and not enough time. I work all day and by the end of the day I just want to crawl in bed, but I have to go to the bank and the grocery store and the bookstore and my parent's house and I have to exercise and do laundry and clean and write emails and make phone calls. I've been very on edge and bitchy. And then I feel really overwhelmed with everything, and that brings on lots of urges to b/p. But I haven't! Which is what is important. And it's good that I can recognize what makes me have those urges and be able to stop myself from acting out.
I've really been upping my game on the positive self-talk, which is something my therapist is always urging me to do. My face is breaking out right now, and most of today I would look in the mirror and just feel disgusted, but I had my moments today when I looked in the mirror and I said to myself, I am beautiful. It helps! It's not a fix, but I think if I keep it up then maybe I will start to believe it! I ordered a body image workbook on Amazon that my therapist and dietitian told me about, hopefully that will help too!
I am really excited because....I signed up for an eating disorder awareness walk next weekend. And my two (maybe 3) best friends from Remuda are coming too! The woman who I heard speak at the event last week will be speaking at this walk too so I'm excited to catch up with her! I've never done an ED walk before so I'm excited for this.
Well, I have therapy tomorrow and my dietitian on Friday so I will check back in on Friday or Saturday and update then!
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
thoughts
Well today sucked. I was leaving work to go to my next job. I guess I didn't look behind me before I backed out and I ran into someone else who was backing out. The woman got out of her car and started screaming and cursing at me. Her daughter and grandchild were also in the car. She wanted to call the cops just to report the accident, but they couldn't come to the accident because it was in a parking lot, and not a busy road or street. I called the mom of the kids I babysit to tell her I might be late to the bus stop. She asked if I was okay and I started crying. I felt stupid. I didn't want to cry. But it was like, when you try so hard not to cry that you make this weird face and cry anyway. I just couldn't stop crying. It was just a scary situation and I felt stupid for not looking before I backed out. The damage to the other persons car wasn't too bad, and I only had a minor scrape on my Jeep. We exchanged insurance information and I went on to the bus stop because there was still time before the bus got there. One of the other moms, who my boss had already called and told I might be late...saw my bloodshot eyes and my splotchy face and asked if I was okay and I started crying again and she pulled me into a hug. I just had to take lots of deep breaths before I stopped crying. I was so upset that I was not hungry at all. I managed to eat some of my lunch, but probably not enough. When Jane (my boss, the mom) got home she had brought a flower with her to give to me. It was so sweet!
I'm just...frustrated with food right now. I feel like I will never be able to eat as well as I did in treatment and the couple of months after. I want to eat normally. Yet sometimes I feel like I get so full so fast, that it's impossible to finish my meal. I have cravings for food, specific food sometimes, yet the ED part of my brain tells me that I should settle for a salad instead of a sandwich. Sometimes I want a root beer instead of water or diet coke, so I settle for a water because my ED tells me to. I love ice cream and chocolate, but ED won't let me have it whenever I want it. Because I am still gaining weight (when I don't even need to) I am scared of eating things that are normal. Am I restricting? Yes. Any dietitian would say I am. It's not enough to lose weight, and while that shouldn't be an excuse, it's a failure to ED. I should not give ED so much power. I am stronger than him. I don't want to be at the weight I was pre-treatment, but I do not see the possibility of accepting my body at the weight it is now, which is a good 20-30lbs heavier than 8 months ago. I know that food is just a symptom. And I know the reasons behind my symptoms. But does anyone else feel like eating disorders are so much more complicated than feeling bad about something and using behaviors to cope with it? I just feel like there are so many factors and so many feelings and emotions and just SO much that goes on and it's like...people really recovery fully? How? For me, it just feels so...crazy. Impossible? Maybe. When you have lived with a brain like mine for as long as I have, full recovery seems pretttty impossible. I think I might pose a question to my therapist and dietitian. Do they think full recovery is possible for me? If so, what exactly do I need to do, to achieve that? I want them to tell me what they truly think, and not just what they are supposed to say.
Well, that's all that's on my mind right now. I'm feeling a lot better since last night. My sore throat is gone, I'm not achy all over, and I don't feel feverish. I'm just really congested and tired. But at least it's getting better.
I will write more on Thursday!
I'm just...frustrated with food right now. I feel like I will never be able to eat as well as I did in treatment and the couple of months after. I want to eat normally. Yet sometimes I feel like I get so full so fast, that it's impossible to finish my meal. I have cravings for food, specific food sometimes, yet the ED part of my brain tells me that I should settle for a salad instead of a sandwich. Sometimes I want a root beer instead of water or diet coke, so I settle for a water because my ED tells me to. I love ice cream and chocolate, but ED won't let me have it whenever I want it. Because I am still gaining weight (when I don't even need to) I am scared of eating things that are normal. Am I restricting? Yes. Any dietitian would say I am. It's not enough to lose weight, and while that shouldn't be an excuse, it's a failure to ED. I should not give ED so much power. I am stronger than him. I don't want to be at the weight I was pre-treatment, but I do not see the possibility of accepting my body at the weight it is now, which is a good 20-30lbs heavier than 8 months ago. I know that food is just a symptom. And I know the reasons behind my symptoms. But does anyone else feel like eating disorders are so much more complicated than feeling bad about something and using behaviors to cope with it? I just feel like there are so many factors and so many feelings and emotions and just SO much that goes on and it's like...people really recovery fully? How? For me, it just feels so...crazy. Impossible? Maybe. When you have lived with a brain like mine for as long as I have, full recovery seems pretttty impossible. I think I might pose a question to my therapist and dietitian. Do they think full recovery is possible for me? If so, what exactly do I need to do, to achieve that? I want them to tell me what they truly think, and not just what they are supposed to say.
Well, that's all that's on my mind right now. I'm feeling a lot better since last night. My sore throat is gone, I'm not achy all over, and I don't feel feverish. I'm just really congested and tired. But at least it's getting better.
I will write more on Thursday!
Friday, September 30, 2011
hole
Well this was an epic week. I am SO glad it's over. Let me just give you the run down.
My depression hit me hard this week. Really hard. On top of that, I was dealing with a ton of body image struggles and obsessive thoughts. I didn't really take the best care of myself. I struggled with restricting here and there. I haven't really had much of an appetite. I have had urges nearly every single day this week to binge/purge, but I haven't. I have stood my ground because I know bingeing/purging will make me even more depressed. It has been a week full of so many intense and overwhelming emotions. I have cried more this week than I have in the past 2 months.
Wednesday night I had dinner with my second mommy, Mrs. Robson. It was such an amazing conversation. She challenges my thoughts and cares about my emotions and what I am going through. We were both in tears at one point. I am able to vulnerable and honest with her in a way I am not with most people. I am not afraid to tell her things about me and my life, because I know she will love me and be there for me regardless. She's been there for me for 9 years and I have so much gratitude towards her. One thing we talked about on Wednesday night was the pain of my past. The pain from my abuse, the loss of my grandmother, and the loss of gymnastics. When all of those things happened when I was 11, I did not deal with them. It was when I went to Remuda in February I finally dealt with all of it and the pain I felt was so intense, and so raw. I still am dealing with that pain today. It comes from my core, a place so deep inside me. It feels like the pain and sadness will never stop coming. I told Mrs. Robson all of this. She said, it's not about moving on. That takes time. But it's what I do with the pain and sadness that is important. I have to choose to make the healthy choices, to live in the moment and not worry so much about yesterday or tomorrow. It's really hard, she said. But totally possible. It was hard to talk about this, but I knew I was with a safe person, so that made it easier. She told me a song that she said reminded her of me. When I got home, I listened to it and I was in tears. I have never had someone dedicate a song to me. I was humbled. The song is "Can't go back now" by The Weepies. Listen to it!
Thursday morning I had therapy. It was a good session, I guess. I brought up my trauma. It's been on my mind a lot lately. Not just the abuse, but everything that happened during that time period...all of the loss I experienced in such a short time. I sometimes feel stupid that I have not been able to move on. But like I said before, that's not what it's about. It's about allowing myself to deal with the feelings. My therapist was completely and totally supportive about all of this. She said I could talk about it whenever I felt the need to. It made me feel a lot better to hear this. I think I am going to bring it up again next week. It's been on my mind SO much and I have been breaking down crying every night, having flashbacks. I have been feeling that deep pain in my core, and it hurts so much. I need to heal from this, and not feel so sad and hurt anymore.
This morning I saw my dietitian. I was really looking forward to getting a hug from her. She gives the best hugs in the world and knows how to help me feel better. I haven't seen her in two weeks. She's been sick and she didn't want to give whatever she had to me, so she couldn't hug me. It made me pretty sad. As soon as I sat down, she could tell how hard things have been for me lately. I was honest with her about how I have been restricting, at in one instance, over-exercising. She asked if I thought I had lost weight. I said no. And I guess she didn't think I had either because she didn't weigh me. I told her how deeply I hated my body, how bad I thought I looked. She told me I had "ED eyes". How I see myself is so distorted. She said, I had such a sick and malnourished body, as well as such a muscular and toned body for so many years. And now for the first time I am healthy, and I have to get used to that. She didn't seem to keen on the idea that I wanted to lose weight.
I pretty much left my dietitian's office in tears. The amount I loathed my body was too much for words. I wished I could have magically lost 10 pounds. I felt so depressed. So disgusted. So frustrated. The past couple of days I have had that feeling of wondering if recovery is really possible for me. I just don't know anymore. Some times I have these moments of how great things are now, and having hope that I will turn out okay one day. But lately it's just been really discouraging. Sometimes I think the ED voice will never leave. That I will never feel happy with my body. I just want to feel better.
Work today just dragged on. I wanted it to be 5:30 so I could go home and run. I was ready to go and run and I looked in the mirror and I broke into tears. I looked so big. I didn't want people driving to see my running and see how big I was. My thighs have cellulite on the front, sides, and back. It's repulsive. I ended up going running away. It didn't really make me feel all that better. I took a cold shower. I laid in my bed listening to music, trying to calm down. I took a Klonopin when none of these things made my anxiety go down. After about a half hour, I finally felt like life was a little more bearable. I went downstairs and watched a little TV. Soon after, the Klonopin took it's full effects and I went back up to my bed and passed out. I slept for 3 hours. Now I am feeling anxious again. I feel so gross and dirty. I am going to go shower for the 3rd time today. Ugh.
I just feel like shit. Sorry for the negativity. Maybe after this weekend I will feel better?
My depression hit me hard this week. Really hard. On top of that, I was dealing with a ton of body image struggles and obsessive thoughts. I didn't really take the best care of myself. I struggled with restricting here and there. I haven't really had much of an appetite. I have had urges nearly every single day this week to binge/purge, but I haven't. I have stood my ground because I know bingeing/purging will make me even more depressed. It has been a week full of so many intense and overwhelming emotions. I have cried more this week than I have in the past 2 months.
Wednesday night I had dinner with my second mommy, Mrs. Robson. It was such an amazing conversation. She challenges my thoughts and cares about my emotions and what I am going through. We were both in tears at one point. I am able to vulnerable and honest with her in a way I am not with most people. I am not afraid to tell her things about me and my life, because I know she will love me and be there for me regardless. She's been there for me for 9 years and I have so much gratitude towards her. One thing we talked about on Wednesday night was the pain of my past. The pain from my abuse, the loss of my grandmother, and the loss of gymnastics. When all of those things happened when I was 11, I did not deal with them. It was when I went to Remuda in February I finally dealt with all of it and the pain I felt was so intense, and so raw. I still am dealing with that pain today. It comes from my core, a place so deep inside me. It feels like the pain and sadness will never stop coming. I told Mrs. Robson all of this. She said, it's not about moving on. That takes time. But it's what I do with the pain and sadness that is important. I have to choose to make the healthy choices, to live in the moment and not worry so much about yesterday or tomorrow. It's really hard, she said. But totally possible. It was hard to talk about this, but I knew I was with a safe person, so that made it easier. She told me a song that she said reminded her of me. When I got home, I listened to it and I was in tears. I have never had someone dedicate a song to me. I was humbled. The song is "Can't go back now" by The Weepies. Listen to it!
Thursday morning I had therapy. It was a good session, I guess. I brought up my trauma. It's been on my mind a lot lately. Not just the abuse, but everything that happened during that time period...all of the loss I experienced in such a short time. I sometimes feel stupid that I have not been able to move on. But like I said before, that's not what it's about. It's about allowing myself to deal with the feelings. My therapist was completely and totally supportive about all of this. She said I could talk about it whenever I felt the need to. It made me feel a lot better to hear this. I think I am going to bring it up again next week. It's been on my mind SO much and I have been breaking down crying every night, having flashbacks. I have been feeling that deep pain in my core, and it hurts so much. I need to heal from this, and not feel so sad and hurt anymore.
This morning I saw my dietitian. I was really looking forward to getting a hug from her. She gives the best hugs in the world and knows how to help me feel better. I haven't seen her in two weeks. She's been sick and she didn't want to give whatever she had to me, so she couldn't hug me. It made me pretty sad. As soon as I sat down, she could tell how hard things have been for me lately. I was honest with her about how I have been restricting, at in one instance, over-exercising. She asked if I thought I had lost weight. I said no. And I guess she didn't think I had either because she didn't weigh me. I told her how deeply I hated my body, how bad I thought I looked. She told me I had "ED eyes". How I see myself is so distorted. She said, I had such a sick and malnourished body, as well as such a muscular and toned body for so many years. And now for the first time I am healthy, and I have to get used to that. She didn't seem to keen on the idea that I wanted to lose weight.
I pretty much left my dietitian's office in tears. The amount I loathed my body was too much for words. I wished I could have magically lost 10 pounds. I felt so depressed. So disgusted. So frustrated. The past couple of days I have had that feeling of wondering if recovery is really possible for me. I just don't know anymore. Some times I have these moments of how great things are now, and having hope that I will turn out okay one day. But lately it's just been really discouraging. Sometimes I think the ED voice will never leave. That I will never feel happy with my body. I just want to feel better.
Work today just dragged on. I wanted it to be 5:30 so I could go home and run. I was ready to go and run and I looked in the mirror and I broke into tears. I looked so big. I didn't want people driving to see my running and see how big I was. My thighs have cellulite on the front, sides, and back. It's repulsive. I ended up going running away. It didn't really make me feel all that better. I took a cold shower. I laid in my bed listening to music, trying to calm down. I took a Klonopin when none of these things made my anxiety go down. After about a half hour, I finally felt like life was a little more bearable. I went downstairs and watched a little TV. Soon after, the Klonopin took it's full effects and I went back up to my bed and passed out. I slept for 3 hours. Now I am feeling anxious again. I feel so gross and dirty. I am going to go shower for the 3rd time today. Ugh.
I just feel like shit. Sorry for the negativity. Maybe after this weekend I will feel better?
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
rain
Today started off pretty great. I met with my minister this morning. I was pretty nervous going into it, but I took a lot of deep breaths and I turned out okay. We had a really great discussion. I caught him up on my life and how my recovery is going. It was good to be reminded of how well I am doing, and how far I have come. From being on death's door 8 months ago, to now being alive in every sense of the word.
Work at the restaurant was stupid today. The customers have been so bitchy and rude lately. And I hate being the person that takes all their crap. All of the servers were so pissed off about how rude the customers were today. It was just an annoying shift. Babysitting went well today. The 8 year old was getting on my nerves. He was being sassy and difficult, and the dog was barking a lot today. It was just an annoying day of work.
After work, I went to the grocery store. It probably wasn't such a good idea. Not only was everyone and their cousin there, but I was super anxious and in a really bad place with body image. I just didn't want to buy any food. Everything I bought ended up being fat free. And I didn't allow myself to buy any foods that I enjoy. Half way through, I had a panic attack. It was a small one, small enough to prevent people from knowing what was going on. But I almost started crying when I was in line. I felt so fat and disgusting. I was wearing a purple flowy spaghetti strap top. I felt like my arms were just gigantic, and my large stomach was visible through it. I felt like every one was staring at my body, and it made me loathe myself even more. I don't know how I got through it, probably the deep breathing, but I made it out of the store without making a scene. I got into my car and sobbed for about 10 minutes straight. I had to make myself stop crying because I knew I could just go on for hours if I wanted to. I thought about texting my therapist but, decided against it because I wanted to handle this my way. Unfortunately, I resorted to exercise. I didn't do it to make my anxiety better, or to re-energize myself. I did it to burn calories. I am only supposed to work out for 1 hour each day, but today I did almost 2 hours. I thought about going to buy food and bingeing and purging, but KNEW I would feel so fucking awful if I did that. My friend Karen called me after my workout and I had a good talk with her. By the way, I didn't feel any better about my body after exercising.
Ughhhh, it's just such a hard thing. I don't feel like it's getting easier. Stupid body image.
I am just holding onto the fact that I get to have dinner with my second mommy tomorrow. It is always so good to see her. She provides me with so much insight, as well as comfort. I just want to melt in her arms, and pour out my soul. I love her.
Alright. Time for bed.
Work at the restaurant was stupid today. The customers have been so bitchy and rude lately. And I hate being the person that takes all their crap. All of the servers were so pissed off about how rude the customers were today. It was just an annoying shift. Babysitting went well today. The 8 year old was getting on my nerves. He was being sassy and difficult, and the dog was barking a lot today. It was just an annoying day of work.
After work, I went to the grocery store. It probably wasn't such a good idea. Not only was everyone and their cousin there, but I was super anxious and in a really bad place with body image. I just didn't want to buy any food. Everything I bought ended up being fat free. And I didn't allow myself to buy any foods that I enjoy. Half way through, I had a panic attack. It was a small one, small enough to prevent people from knowing what was going on. But I almost started crying when I was in line. I felt so fat and disgusting. I was wearing a purple flowy spaghetti strap top. I felt like my arms were just gigantic, and my large stomach was visible through it. I felt like every one was staring at my body, and it made me loathe myself even more. I don't know how I got through it, probably the deep breathing, but I made it out of the store without making a scene. I got into my car and sobbed for about 10 minutes straight. I had to make myself stop crying because I knew I could just go on for hours if I wanted to. I thought about texting my therapist but, decided against it because I wanted to handle this my way. Unfortunately, I resorted to exercise. I didn't do it to make my anxiety better, or to re-energize myself. I did it to burn calories. I am only supposed to work out for 1 hour each day, but today I did almost 2 hours. I thought about going to buy food and bingeing and purging, but KNEW I would feel so fucking awful if I did that. My friend Karen called me after my workout and I had a good talk with her. By the way, I didn't feel any better about my body after exercising.
Ughhhh, it's just such a hard thing. I don't feel like it's getting easier. Stupid body image.
I am just holding onto the fact that I get to have dinner with my second mommy tomorrow. It is always so good to see her. She provides me with so much insight, as well as comfort. I just want to melt in her arms, and pour out my soul. I love her.
Alright. Time for bed.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Relaxing weekend except...
Well, I got home a few hours ago. I was at a mountain resort and spa for the weekend. It was so relaxing. The trees are already changing colors up in the mountains and the air is so much cooler. It was so relaxing and invigorating. When we got up there, we did a little shopping. Everything was so expensive thought. There was a North Face fleece jacket that I really wanted, and a pair of cowboy boots, but there was no way I could afford either. So, maybe I will save up for it.
After that, my sister and I made an appointment at the spa to have a herbal infused mineral bath. Oh my gosh it was so amazing. First, they give you a robe and sandals, and while you are waiting you sit in a steam room. I felt all my pores open up, and it was like my skin was instantly perfect. Okay, not really. After that, someone took me back to a private room. There was a claw footed bath tub filled with 104 degree natural spring water, with minerals and herbs in it. I got in and they had a pillow for my head. They put hot tea bags on my eyes and a cool washcloth on my forehead. I soaked in the tub for 30 minutes. It was heaven. My head was completely cleared of thoughts. I was super relaxed and all my muscles loosened up. I could breathe easier. When I got out I just felt so clean, relaxed, and revived. It was just what I needed.
At the resort there was also an indoor pool. I really wanted to go swimming. I brought my bathing suit, but never put it on. I could not stand to look at my body in a bikini. I did not want anyone else to see it either. And I know I would have felt even worse standing next to my super skinny sister. It's really a shame I have gotten so big. I really hate it, I really hate my body and this whole situation. Last night we got dressed up to go to a fancy dinner. I had bought this really cute dress a few weeks ago at H&M. I put it on and it looked like I had an inner tube around my stomach. I looked huge. I wore black tights beneath it, and I had not worn them since last winter. I could barely get them on. The tights made my stomach bulge look even bigger. My mom took some photos of me and my sister. I look disgusting in them. My face looks so filled out. I shared my feelings with my Mom and she said that I looked that way because I was not a skeleton anymore. I know she's right, but I am just sick about how big I have gotten.
I see my dietitian on Friday. I don't want her to weigh me. I don't want her to see the number on the scale. I don't know how much I weigh, but I don't want her to see my disgusting weight. I know she would never think I was disgusting, but I still don't want her to see.
Sorry I have been so negative lately. I really want to try and turn it around. It's so hard though to be positive about my body. I can tell you how much better I feel, how I don't get dizzy spells, how my skin isn't dry, and all the other things my ED caused. But I just want to be in my weight range. Sigh.
Well I have a busy week ahead of me. My schedule is as follows.
Monday: Work from 11 to 5:30. Group at 7-9
Tuesday: Meeting with my minister at 9:30. Work from 11-5:30
Wednesday: Work from 11 to 5:30. Dinner with Mrs. Robson at 7:30
Thursday: Therapy at 9:30. Work 11 to 5:30.
Friday: Appointment with my dietitian at 10am. Work from 11 to 5:30
Anyway, that's all for now.
After that, my sister and I made an appointment at the spa to have a herbal infused mineral bath. Oh my gosh it was so amazing. First, they give you a robe and sandals, and while you are waiting you sit in a steam room. I felt all my pores open up, and it was like my skin was instantly perfect. Okay, not really. After that, someone took me back to a private room. There was a claw footed bath tub filled with 104 degree natural spring water, with minerals and herbs in it. I got in and they had a pillow for my head. They put hot tea bags on my eyes and a cool washcloth on my forehead. I soaked in the tub for 30 minutes. It was heaven. My head was completely cleared of thoughts. I was super relaxed and all my muscles loosened up. I could breathe easier. When I got out I just felt so clean, relaxed, and revived. It was just what I needed.
At the resort there was also an indoor pool. I really wanted to go swimming. I brought my bathing suit, but never put it on. I could not stand to look at my body in a bikini. I did not want anyone else to see it either. And I know I would have felt even worse standing next to my super skinny sister. It's really a shame I have gotten so big. I really hate it, I really hate my body and this whole situation. Last night we got dressed up to go to a fancy dinner. I had bought this really cute dress a few weeks ago at H&M. I put it on and it looked like I had an inner tube around my stomach. I looked huge. I wore black tights beneath it, and I had not worn them since last winter. I could barely get them on. The tights made my stomach bulge look even bigger. My mom took some photos of me and my sister. I look disgusting in them. My face looks so filled out. I shared my feelings with my Mom and she said that I looked that way because I was not a skeleton anymore. I know she's right, but I am just sick about how big I have gotten.
I see my dietitian on Friday. I don't want her to weigh me. I don't want her to see the number on the scale. I don't know how much I weigh, but I don't want her to see my disgusting weight. I know she would never think I was disgusting, but I still don't want her to see.
Sorry I have been so negative lately. I really want to try and turn it around. It's so hard though to be positive about my body. I can tell you how much better I feel, how I don't get dizzy spells, how my skin isn't dry, and all the other things my ED caused. But I just want to be in my weight range. Sigh.
Well I have a busy week ahead of me. My schedule is as follows.
Monday: Work from 11 to 5:30. Group at 7-9
Tuesday: Meeting with my minister at 9:30. Work from 11-5:30
Wednesday: Work from 11 to 5:30. Dinner with Mrs. Robson at 7:30
Thursday: Therapy at 9:30. Work 11 to 5:30.
Friday: Appointment with my dietitian at 10am. Work from 11 to 5:30
Anyway, that's all for now.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
rough day
Well today was pretty rough. It's one of those days where I'm sitting here on my couch at the end of the day and it doesn't even feel like today happened.
This morning I had therapy. The first half of the session went pretty well. We just talked about my recent self-harm slip, my depression, and how I can meet new people. I am really lonely (have been for as long as I can remember) and my therapist is really urging me to meet new people, which is also really hard for me. So, she suggested that I volunteer or join a non-ED related group. Hopefully I can get myself to do that.
The second half of the session we talked about body image. I told her how completely unhappy I am with my body. I do not like anything about myself. As an athlete, I have always had to trust my body, be in control of it, and rely on it. I don't feel like I can do those things anymore. I have not been exercising lately because either I feel too big to exercise, or I want to do it for the wrong reasons. When I was at Remuda, my dietitian there gave me a weight range to be in. When I came home from Remuda, I still had to gain weight. Within a month or two, I reached my ideal weight and I was surprisingly happy with my body, or at least mostly. But I did not stop gaining weight. And as far as I know (I stopped looking at my weight a few weeks ago), I am still gaining. I do not feel like I belong in this body. It doesn't feel natural. I just want to be back in the weight range that was set for me. I hate saying "no one understands" because I know that's not true, but I had this certain body type all my life, and I don't feel like I have that anymore. And to go from being muscular, super toned, and fit to curvy and larger...it sucks so bad and it's so sad for me. People have had nothing but good compliments for me since my weight gain, telling me how much more beautiful and grown up I look. And that's fine, and that's what I know I need to look like. But, I also think it's important for me to feel good about myself. So, I said all of this in therapy, crying through out all of it. I just felt so...sad and discouraged. At the end of the session my therapist gave me a hug (which she always does) but I didn't want to let go, and so I held on and she hugged me for a long time. I really needed that.
I can't say I felt better after therapy. It was a really hard session. I don't feel like I really one accomplished anything besides just venting my feelings and setting up a plan for exercise. I see my dietitian next Friday. I emailed her about everything going on and she said we will definitely talk about this. I trust my dietitian and I know she would never let me get fat. But my ED is telling me she IS letting me get fat. It can be so confusing sometimes.
After therapy, I went to Starbucks before having to go to my next job. I got a cinnamon dolce latte which was AMAZING. I am totally getting one again soon. Work was long today. Lunch was super busy, and babysitting seemed to last forever. It is so good to finally relax at the end of such a long and hard day.
My minister, John, emailed me back and I am going to meet him next Tuesday. It will be good to see him.
Anyway, that's it for now. I am going to go curl up in bed with my book and ice cream. Tomorrow is Friday and I am SO happy about that. I am so excited for my little getaway this weekend. It is much needed. Here is the link for it in case anyone is interested.
http://www.thehomestead.com/
This morning I had therapy. The first half of the session went pretty well. We just talked about my recent self-harm slip, my depression, and how I can meet new people. I am really lonely (have been for as long as I can remember) and my therapist is really urging me to meet new people, which is also really hard for me. So, she suggested that I volunteer or join a non-ED related group. Hopefully I can get myself to do that.
The second half of the session we talked about body image. I told her how completely unhappy I am with my body. I do not like anything about myself. As an athlete, I have always had to trust my body, be in control of it, and rely on it. I don't feel like I can do those things anymore. I have not been exercising lately because either I feel too big to exercise, or I want to do it for the wrong reasons. When I was at Remuda, my dietitian there gave me a weight range to be in. When I came home from Remuda, I still had to gain weight. Within a month or two, I reached my ideal weight and I was surprisingly happy with my body, or at least mostly. But I did not stop gaining weight. And as far as I know (I stopped looking at my weight a few weeks ago), I am still gaining. I do not feel like I belong in this body. It doesn't feel natural. I just want to be back in the weight range that was set for me. I hate saying "no one understands" because I know that's not true, but I had this certain body type all my life, and I don't feel like I have that anymore. And to go from being muscular, super toned, and fit to curvy and larger...it sucks so bad and it's so sad for me. People have had nothing but good compliments for me since my weight gain, telling me how much more beautiful and grown up I look. And that's fine, and that's what I know I need to look like. But, I also think it's important for me to feel good about myself. So, I said all of this in therapy, crying through out all of it. I just felt so...sad and discouraged. At the end of the session my therapist gave me a hug (which she always does) but I didn't want to let go, and so I held on and she hugged me for a long time. I really needed that.
I can't say I felt better after therapy. It was a really hard session. I don't feel like I really one accomplished anything besides just venting my feelings and setting up a plan for exercise. I see my dietitian next Friday. I emailed her about everything going on and she said we will definitely talk about this. I trust my dietitian and I know she would never let me get fat. But my ED is telling me she IS letting me get fat. It can be so confusing sometimes.
After therapy, I went to Starbucks before having to go to my next job. I got a cinnamon dolce latte which was AMAZING. I am totally getting one again soon. Work was long today. Lunch was super busy, and babysitting seemed to last forever. It is so good to finally relax at the end of such a long and hard day.
My minister, John, emailed me back and I am going to meet him next Tuesday. It will be good to see him.
Anyway, that's it for now. I am going to go curl up in bed with my book and ice cream. Tomorrow is Friday and I am SO happy about that. I am so excited for my little getaway this weekend. It is much needed. Here is the link for it in case anyone is interested.
http://www.thehomestead.com/
Friday, September 16, 2011
Late night thoughts
I must be stupid for not being in my bed and falling asleep right now, considering how exhausted I have been this week. But, my head is churning out all of these thoughts so I figured it would be best to get them out before bed.
I went to a really cool event tonight. It's called Beyond Barbie: A Celebration of Real Women. An artist in our area is sponsoring the event. She takes photographs of nude women (tastefully done of course) and then paints them. Tonight was the opening of the event and I went with my friend Heather. I also went to support my friend Karen, whose portrait was featured. It was amazing! Each of the portraits had the subject's stories posted beside them. Some of the women said they felt very nervous while have their photograph take, while some of them felt so anxiety at all. It was cool seeing all of these paintings of women of all shapes and sizes. It was really powerful. My own anxieties and insecurities about my body popped into my head. I tried my best to enjoy the artwork and not focus on comparing myself to everyone there. I think I did a pretty good job. I long for the day when I can accept my body as it is, and not long for the body I used to have. It seems pretty difficult, but possible...I think.
Also at the event, was the leader of my support group, who is a dietitian in the area. Before I left, I pulled her aside and told her about some of my concerns with group. My social anxiety has been pretty bad all of my life. I feel so awkward and uncomfortable in social situations, especially new ones. I started the new support group this week and it was SO hard to get through group. I was such a mess inside. So, I decided to inform my group leader about this tonight. She was super cool and understanding about it. She suggested I sit next to her in group to try and make me feel more comfortable, since she's the only one I know. I told her maybe checking in with me from time to time would help as well. I am so glad she knows about this now. I am hopeful that this social anxiety will lessen with time.
Night times have been horrible for me lately. I am getting more and more anxious about the impending cold weather and holiday season. Lately, at night time I have been experiencing waves of sadness and loneliness. Nothing seems to make them better. And what makes them worse is wanting a hug or to lean on someone's shoulder. It sucks that I don't have that, at least not at my house. I hope this gets better soon.
I am just so excited it's the weekend. I am so excited to sleep in tomorrow. And on Sunday. I plan on doing a whole lot of nothing. It's going to be great.
Well, that's about it. It makes me sad that no one comments on my blog anymore. I thought about making it private, but I don't think I will.
Everyone have a good weekend!
I went to a really cool event tonight. It's called Beyond Barbie: A Celebration of Real Women. An artist in our area is sponsoring the event. She takes photographs of nude women (tastefully done of course) and then paints them. Tonight was the opening of the event and I went with my friend Heather. I also went to support my friend Karen, whose portrait was featured. It was amazing! Each of the portraits had the subject's stories posted beside them. Some of the women said they felt very nervous while have their photograph take, while some of them felt so anxiety at all. It was cool seeing all of these paintings of women of all shapes and sizes. It was really powerful. My own anxieties and insecurities about my body popped into my head. I tried my best to enjoy the artwork and not focus on comparing myself to everyone there. I think I did a pretty good job. I long for the day when I can accept my body as it is, and not long for the body I used to have. It seems pretty difficult, but possible...I think.
Also at the event, was the leader of my support group, who is a dietitian in the area. Before I left, I pulled her aside and told her about some of my concerns with group. My social anxiety has been pretty bad all of my life. I feel so awkward and uncomfortable in social situations, especially new ones. I started the new support group this week and it was SO hard to get through group. I was such a mess inside. So, I decided to inform my group leader about this tonight. She was super cool and understanding about it. She suggested I sit next to her in group to try and make me feel more comfortable, since she's the only one I know. I told her maybe checking in with me from time to time would help as well. I am so glad she knows about this now. I am hopeful that this social anxiety will lessen with time.
Night times have been horrible for me lately. I am getting more and more anxious about the impending cold weather and holiday season. Lately, at night time I have been experiencing waves of sadness and loneliness. Nothing seems to make them better. And what makes them worse is wanting a hug or to lean on someone's shoulder. It sucks that I don't have that, at least not at my house. I hope this gets better soon.
I am just so excited it's the weekend. I am so excited to sleep in tomorrow. And on Sunday. I plan on doing a whole lot of nothing. It's going to be great.
Well, that's about it. It makes me sad that no one comments on my blog anymore. I thought about making it private, but I don't think I will.
Everyone have a good weekend!
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
exhausted
Well I am just so exhausted I can barely muster up the energy to write this post. I am on week 2 of my new schedule and it's not treating me well. I could barely wake up this morning. I got in the shower and leaned against the wall and almost fell asleep. I had to guzzle a huge bottle of Diet Coke to wake myself up.
After I got ready, I met my friend Karen for breakfast. It was good to see her and talk to her. There is going to be an event here in Richmond this month and next week called Beyond Barbie, and one of the nights is about eating disorders and body image. My friend Karen will be speaking at it, and I am definitely going. It's going to pretty cool. I don't think Richmond has ever had an event like this before. I also asked Karen about the emotions she went through when she started gaining weight and had to buy new clothes (which I recently had to do). While talking to her about it I almost burst into tears. I don't really think I wanted to cry just talking about my new body, although I know that had a lot to do with it. I think a lot of it was saying my feelings out loud for the first time in 2 weeks. I didn't have therapy last week, and I just haven't had anyone I could talk to about what's going on. I of course can blog here, and talk to my friends Erin and Heather, through texts, but saying it out loud is completely different.
Anyway, after breakfast I went to work at the restaurant. I had fun at work today. The people that were there today were a great group and so we had a lot of laughs. It made time go by faster, plus it was sort of busy. After that I went straight to my nannying job and ate lunch until it was time to go meet one of the kids at the bus stop. The kids were pretty easy today. Me and one of the girls made ice cream and that was fun. She loves to bake so I know I am going to have fun with her trying out all sorts of different recipes.
So, now it's not even 10pm and I could fall asleep right now. But I'm worried if I go to bed too early then I will sleep too much and then make myself even more tired.
I have therapy tomorrow and I am beyond excited. I wrote my therapist an email a couple days back just basically venting all the things that were in my head. She said to hang in there and we will talk it out in our next session. I feel like my head is going to explode. I cannot wait to see her tomorrow morning.
It sucks that I am so tired because it makes everything else going on in my head be ten times worse. I just feel super overwhelmed, and it doesn't help that I absolutely loathe my body. I have thought about doing a body tracing in therapy. But I don't ask to do it because what if I do it and I am the same size on paper that I see in the mirror. I just can't accept my new body yet. I know I have to eventually. But...it's just so difficult to remain positive about it. I don't expect to have a child's or teenager's body. I know I am not a teenager anymore. I am a woman and I should have a woman's body. But this body does not feel right. It feels unnatural. I can't get beyond that. 10lbs ago I was healthy. Why can't I go back to that?
Anyway, I realize this was a super boring post. Hopefully after therapy tomorrow I will have more interesting things to say.
After I got ready, I met my friend Karen for breakfast. It was good to see her and talk to her. There is going to be an event here in Richmond this month and next week called Beyond Barbie, and one of the nights is about eating disorders and body image. My friend Karen will be speaking at it, and I am definitely going. It's going to pretty cool. I don't think Richmond has ever had an event like this before. I also asked Karen about the emotions she went through when she started gaining weight and had to buy new clothes (which I recently had to do). While talking to her about it I almost burst into tears. I don't really think I wanted to cry just talking about my new body, although I know that had a lot to do with it. I think a lot of it was saying my feelings out loud for the first time in 2 weeks. I didn't have therapy last week, and I just haven't had anyone I could talk to about what's going on. I of course can blog here, and talk to my friends Erin and Heather, through texts, but saying it out loud is completely different.
Anyway, after breakfast I went to work at the restaurant. I had fun at work today. The people that were there today were a great group and so we had a lot of laughs. It made time go by faster, plus it was sort of busy. After that I went straight to my nannying job and ate lunch until it was time to go meet one of the kids at the bus stop. The kids were pretty easy today. Me and one of the girls made ice cream and that was fun. She loves to bake so I know I am going to have fun with her trying out all sorts of different recipes.
So, now it's not even 10pm and I could fall asleep right now. But I'm worried if I go to bed too early then I will sleep too much and then make myself even more tired.
I have therapy tomorrow and I am beyond excited. I wrote my therapist an email a couple days back just basically venting all the things that were in my head. She said to hang in there and we will talk it out in our next session. I feel like my head is going to explode. I cannot wait to see her tomorrow morning.
It sucks that I am so tired because it makes everything else going on in my head be ten times worse. I just feel super overwhelmed, and it doesn't help that I absolutely loathe my body. I have thought about doing a body tracing in therapy. But I don't ask to do it because what if I do it and I am the same size on paper that I see in the mirror. I just can't accept my new body yet. I know I have to eventually. But...it's just so difficult to remain positive about it. I don't expect to have a child's or teenager's body. I know I am not a teenager anymore. I am a woman and I should have a woman's body. But this body does not feel right. It feels unnatural. I can't get beyond that. 10lbs ago I was healthy. Why can't I go back to that?
Anyway, I realize this was a super boring post. Hopefully after therapy tomorrow I will have more interesting things to say.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
new schedule and such
Rainy weather usually relaxes me, helps me sleep better, puts me in a pretty good mood. But these past few days have been pretty much non stop rain and I have been a hot mess. I started my new job and am working full time now. This new schedule is wearing me out. My feet and my knees are killing me, and I am just exhausted by 6pm every day. I thought that being busy would lessen my obsessive thoughts, but sometimes it seems to have gotten worse. I cried getting dressed this morning and driving to work. Cried. I felt so unbelievably uncomfortable in every thing I put on. I now only have one pair of pants that fit me, which are the new jeans I bought 2 months ago. None of my jeans or cords from last fall/winter will go past my knees. My shirts have also gotten to the point where they are too tight. It's really miserable. I mean, I just have so much inner turmoil going on. Nothing I wear is comfortable or feels good. I told my Mom about all of this today and she is going to take me shopping this weekend. Thank God. I feel like if I at least have clothing that I feel comfortable in, and that I think looks good on me, then my mood will improve a little bit.
I was supposed to have a doctor's appointment tomorrow to check up on the cysts on my ovaries. But no one would fucking answer my calls or texts to cover my shift at work, so I had to reschedule the appointment. And the next time they had is the next appointment with my therapist. So I had to reschedule my appointment with my therapist which will make me have to get someone to cover another shift. My new schedule is very stressful, and I hate it. My dietitian works late in the day so I should not have a problem scheduling appointments with her, but both my therapist and psychiatrist will have to see me in the early morning. I also won't have as much time to meet up with friends or get other things done. It's really annoying. And this is why I don't think I would ever be able to survive having a 9-5 job. Pathetic, I know. But I just don't function like other people do.
I keep wanting to scratch the itch that is my OCD, but I know that acting out on it will only make me more miserable. It's almost like I have to stay in constant motion to prevent myself from doing my rituals and behaviors. My depression is creeping back in. I can feel it. It sneaks up on me every time. But I am finally beginning to understand and recognize the specific signs for me. Like, the sadness that seems to come out of nowhere and hits me hard, so hard that I lose focus with whatever I am doing. The feelings of loneliness and emptiness, and of wanting to be comforted. It worries me, but I will make sure to stay honest with my treatment team.
Well, not much else going on. I'm looking forward to having lunch with my second mommy (my tutor from middle/high school) on Saturday. I saw her last weekend for lunch, but since this week has been so hard, I have had this urge to just cling to her and get the comfort she has provided me with since I was 13 years old. It will be so good to see her and talk to her.
I'll update after the weekend probably.
I was supposed to have a doctor's appointment tomorrow to check up on the cysts on my ovaries. But no one would fucking answer my calls or texts to cover my shift at work, so I had to reschedule the appointment. And the next time they had is the next appointment with my therapist. So I had to reschedule my appointment with my therapist which will make me have to get someone to cover another shift. My new schedule is very stressful, and I hate it. My dietitian works late in the day so I should not have a problem scheduling appointments with her, but both my therapist and psychiatrist will have to see me in the early morning. I also won't have as much time to meet up with friends or get other things done. It's really annoying. And this is why I don't think I would ever be able to survive having a 9-5 job. Pathetic, I know. But I just don't function like other people do.
I keep wanting to scratch the itch that is my OCD, but I know that acting out on it will only make me more miserable. It's almost like I have to stay in constant motion to prevent myself from doing my rituals and behaviors. My depression is creeping back in. I can feel it. It sneaks up on me every time. But I am finally beginning to understand and recognize the specific signs for me. Like, the sadness that seems to come out of nowhere and hits me hard, so hard that I lose focus with whatever I am doing. The feelings of loneliness and emptiness, and of wanting to be comforted. It worries me, but I will make sure to stay honest with my treatment team.
Well, not much else going on. I'm looking forward to having lunch with my second mommy (my tutor from middle/high school) on Saturday. I saw her last weekend for lunch, but since this week has been so hard, I have had this urge to just cling to her and get the comfort she has provided me with since I was 13 years old. It will be so good to see her and talk to her.
I'll update after the weekend probably.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
with or without you
Well, things are going pretty good. Well actually, it's been kind of hard lately. I'm struggling with meals, but it's not terrible. Yesterday I had a little bit of a low blood sugar attack, but I ended up being fine. Ugh, anyway, I don't want to focus on the bad. I told my therapist today that I get so frustrated because it seems like I have really, really good days and then bad days. I wish every day was good, but I know life is not like that. I just have to remember to do what's healthy and best for me, as hard as it is. My body image has not been as bad, which is a plus. I think it's because I'm working out more. I feel sooooo good about myself when I work out. Exercise is in my blood. I don't know why I deprived myself of it for the past several months. I guess I was scared I would go over board with it. But I don't think that will happen. I see my dietitian on Monday and I really want to be like...I'm not going to look at my weight anymore. But I just really need to know that it doesn't continue to go up. I'm going to discuss this with my dietitian though. I also want to make some menus, hoping that will make meals easier.
I got the nannying job! I am SO excited! I start September 6th. I already know the family. I coached the 3 kids in diving this summer. The youngest, a boy, is 8. And the other two are girls, age 12 and 14. I will be mostly taking care of them after school. I will work my hostessing job from 11-1:30 and then go across the street to pick them up from their bus stop. And then the days they don't have school for like a holiday or teacher work-day, I will be there from 8:30am until 5:30pm. The kids are so sweet and so nice, and the mom is really nice too. She keeps saying how excited she is that I am going to be taking care of her kids.
My little sister leaves for her first year of college tomorrow morning. It's so crazy. I know she is going to have the time of her life and I am so excited for her! But it's going to be kind of lonely without her here! She will be about an hour and a half away, so it's not too bad, but it will be the longest she has ever been away from home. Her boyfriend left for college yesterday. I will miss him too, since he is practically my brother.
One of my best friends, who I have mentioned in my blogs a lot in the past, is moving to Los Angeles on Friday. Yes, I will miss him. But I also feel...relieved. I can't really explain it. I guess I feel like I won't have this messy, complicated, burden on my shoulders. No disrespect to him, it's just going to be better for me. And I know moving to L.A. is his dream and so I'm really happy that he is living it out.
I am going to the river this weekend at my dad's friends river house. I am super excited to get out of town and spend the weekend on the river. They have a boat and we will go tubing and have yummy food. It's going to be really relaxing!
Anyway, that's it for now!
I got the nannying job! I am SO excited! I start September 6th. I already know the family. I coached the 3 kids in diving this summer. The youngest, a boy, is 8. And the other two are girls, age 12 and 14. I will be mostly taking care of them after school. I will work my hostessing job from 11-1:30 and then go across the street to pick them up from their bus stop. And then the days they don't have school for like a holiday or teacher work-day, I will be there from 8:30am until 5:30pm. The kids are so sweet and so nice, and the mom is really nice too. She keeps saying how excited she is that I am going to be taking care of her kids.
My little sister leaves for her first year of college tomorrow morning. It's so crazy. I know she is going to have the time of her life and I am so excited for her! But it's going to be kind of lonely without her here! She will be about an hour and a half away, so it's not too bad, but it will be the longest she has ever been away from home. Her boyfriend left for college yesterday. I will miss him too, since he is practically my brother.
One of my best friends, who I have mentioned in my blogs a lot in the past, is moving to Los Angeles on Friday. Yes, I will miss him. But I also feel...relieved. I can't really explain it. I guess I feel like I won't have this messy, complicated, burden on my shoulders. No disrespect to him, it's just going to be better for me. And I know moving to L.A. is his dream and so I'm really happy that he is living it out.
I am going to the river this weekend at my dad's friends river house. I am super excited to get out of town and spend the weekend on the river. They have a boat and we will go tubing and have yummy food. It's going to be really relaxing!
Anyway, that's it for now!
Monday, August 8, 2011
scared
I wish I could take a picture of my facial expression right now. It says...confused and scared and whatttt?
I think...I might be relapsing. But I'm not sure. How do you know? I think my recovery took a really big blow when all this un-needed weight gain occurred. It freaked me out and getting bigger just wasn't in my plans, not this big at least. For a little while, I trusted that my body would reach a point where it was happy and it would get back in the weight range that my dietitian at Remuda gave to me. But I have continued to gain and I am not trusting of my body anymore. What makes you think I'm relapsing, you may ask? It started slowly. Just mild restricting, then it came to skipping meals. And now I'm still skipping meals and cutting out foods that I have deemed "bad". I am looking at calorie information again, and going to the grocery store leaves me with an internal battle that makes me want to cry. I have noticed an increase in anxiety. I have these attacks where everything is wrong. What I look like is wrong, what I'm wearing is wrong, the way the room I'm in looks wrong, the way my face feels is wrong. I get so obsessed with the way things feel that I feel like scratching all my skin off. I can't sit still and I want to cry. I am disgusted with my body. Absolutely disgusted. I am no longer small. And that kills me.
I'm sitting here and I want to cry. I want to cry because I am so scared of relapse, of going backwards to the point where moving forwards feels impossible. I do not think I could survive another relapse, I truly don't. I either think my eating disorder would kill me, or I would kill myself. And I don't want that to happen. I don't want to die. I deserve better than that. I WANT better than that.
I'm all out of words right now. I just want to see my therapist right now. Any one have any words of wisdom or advice?
I think...I might be relapsing. But I'm not sure. How do you know? I think my recovery took a really big blow when all this un-needed weight gain occurred. It freaked me out and getting bigger just wasn't in my plans, not this big at least. For a little while, I trusted that my body would reach a point where it was happy and it would get back in the weight range that my dietitian at Remuda gave to me. But I have continued to gain and I am not trusting of my body anymore. What makes you think I'm relapsing, you may ask? It started slowly. Just mild restricting, then it came to skipping meals. And now I'm still skipping meals and cutting out foods that I have deemed "bad". I am looking at calorie information again, and going to the grocery store leaves me with an internal battle that makes me want to cry. I have noticed an increase in anxiety. I have these attacks where everything is wrong. What I look like is wrong, what I'm wearing is wrong, the way the room I'm in looks wrong, the way my face feels is wrong. I get so obsessed with the way things feel that I feel like scratching all my skin off. I can't sit still and I want to cry. I am disgusted with my body. Absolutely disgusted. I am no longer small. And that kills me.
I'm sitting here and I want to cry. I want to cry because I am so scared of relapse, of going backwards to the point where moving forwards feels impossible. I do not think I could survive another relapse, I truly don't. I either think my eating disorder would kill me, or I would kill myself. And I don't want that to happen. I don't want to die. I deserve better than that. I WANT better than that.
I'm all out of words right now. I just want to see my therapist right now. Any one have any words of wisdom or advice?
Friday, July 29, 2011
leaving paradise
Well, we leave the beach tomorrow. I'm pretty bummed about it. This has been such a relaxing vacation. Today was really amazing, pretty much perfect. I was on the beach from about noon until 6pm. The weather was picture perfect. I went with Erin, and my sister, and the guys out to the biggest beach on the island and watched them fish. They caught a sting ray and it was on the line for an hour and a half until it finally broke free. It was pretty awesome, and all these people came out to watch. The water was a really pretty green, it was almost blue. I took in all of it and I have never felt so relaxed and so at peace with my mind, body, and with the world.
This week has been pretty amazing overall. Like I said in an earlier post, I have felt little to no anxiety while I've been here. I haven't been thinking about the demons in my past, work, my lack of social life, the loneliness I feel back at home, none of that. Even my body image has been better while I've been here. I think being tan has helped a lot. I will admit that I have felt big compared to everyone else here, which sucks. My weight is just not where I want it to be. I wish I could weigh about 10lbs less. And honestly, I weighed 10lbs less about a month ago, and was still healthy and getting my period and not underweight and in the middle of my weight range. And there are still times when I want to weigh what I did when I went to Remuda. But when I think about how fucking miserable I was back then...how food didn't even have a taste, how I didn't enjoy anything I ate, how I couldn't eat a normal meal without throwing it up, I know I would never ever want to go back to that. To wanting to kill myself every single day. It was hell on earth and I would not go back to that no matter what someone promised me. It wasn't worth it, and it never will be. I was looking at pictures on my camera that have been taken of me while I have been here at the beach. And I actually kind of like my new body. It's a feeling that comes and goes for sure. But I looked at myself today and thought, hey I look healthy and I'm glowing and I don't look like I am about to die. And I think I could get used to looking like this. :)
Well when I get back home I have a busy week ahead of me. I have work on Sunday, and then a dietitian appointment on Monday, a psychiatrist appointment and group on Tuesday, and then a fundraiser for an eating disorder foundation on Wednesday, and a dermatologist appointment on Friday. And then my therapist comes back from vacation the week after next.
I am going to miss the beach crazy. Home just doesn't feel like home. Every thing bothers me there. I have no friends, my diving job is over, and so I won't have an income any more. It sucks. Oh and group is going to be over in a couple weeks. I am going to convince my parents to let me do the next support group though and hopefully that will be good.
That's all for now.
This week has been pretty amazing overall. Like I said in an earlier post, I have felt little to no anxiety while I've been here. I haven't been thinking about the demons in my past, work, my lack of social life, the loneliness I feel back at home, none of that. Even my body image has been better while I've been here. I think being tan has helped a lot. I will admit that I have felt big compared to everyone else here, which sucks. My weight is just not where I want it to be. I wish I could weigh about 10lbs less. And honestly, I weighed 10lbs less about a month ago, and was still healthy and getting my period and not underweight and in the middle of my weight range. And there are still times when I want to weigh what I did when I went to Remuda. But when I think about how fucking miserable I was back then...how food didn't even have a taste, how I didn't enjoy anything I ate, how I couldn't eat a normal meal without throwing it up, I know I would never ever want to go back to that. To wanting to kill myself every single day. It was hell on earth and I would not go back to that no matter what someone promised me. It wasn't worth it, and it never will be. I was looking at pictures on my camera that have been taken of me while I have been here at the beach. And I actually kind of like my new body. It's a feeling that comes and goes for sure. But I looked at myself today and thought, hey I look healthy and I'm glowing and I don't look like I am about to die. And I think I could get used to looking like this. :)
Well when I get back home I have a busy week ahead of me. I have work on Sunday, and then a dietitian appointment on Monday, a psychiatrist appointment and group on Tuesday, and then a fundraiser for an eating disorder foundation on Wednesday, and a dermatologist appointment on Friday. And then my therapist comes back from vacation the week after next.
I am going to miss the beach crazy. Home just doesn't feel like home. Every thing bothers me there. I have no friends, my diving job is over, and so I won't have an income any more. It sucks. Oh and group is going to be over in a couple weeks. I am going to convince my parents to let me do the next support group though and hopefully that will be good.
That's all for now.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
hard stuff
I'm in this weird phase right now. Everything with food is going well. But my body image is just terrible. I don't know if it's ever been this bad. I've had two people tell me in the past week how much bigger I look in my hips and thighs. I really wasn't aware of how much bigger I was until they said something. And now I'm convinced I am over weight. My dietitian was out of town last week and this week, so I don't see her until the 24th and I have no way of contacting her. I am really scared that even though I reached my ideal weight a few weeks ago, that I have continued to gain and now I'm out of my range. I have not restricted my food intake and I am not purging, so the ED voice hasn't gotten the best of me. But it takes forever to pick out outfits and I walk around feeling so insecure. *Warning, might trigger* I used to have a gap in between my thighs when I stood with my feet together, and now I don't. *trigger over* My clothes are tighter and it's just really frustrating and I found myself crying about it the other day. I'm very anxious for my dietitian to get back in town so I can talk to her about this and figure out if my weight is really close to being out of it's range.
I'm having...therapy issues right now. I have been seeing my current therapist over a year and she has really helped me in so many ways. But lately (maybe the past few weeks or so?) I have felt like our connection is off. It's harder for me to open up with her, especially about trauma stuff, and I feel like everything is so forced or fake with her. Is that rude? I just don't feel like I get much feedback or advice from her, and I feel directionless. What am I supposed to be working on? Where do I go from here? I brought this up with her briefly last week and didn't get much of a response. She just assumed that everything was okay after we had a phone conversation. She thinks our lack of connection is from our discussions about boundaries. But I'm not so sure. To make matters a little more complicated, I have encountered my old therapist at the pool a few times. I don't feel like diving into what exactly happened with us and how our relationship ended, but it was pretty sticky. I do not have hard feelings towards her anymore though. Anyway, it was so good to run into her and see her and it made me realize how much I miss her, as a person and a therapist. She was always so good about kicking me in the butt to get me motivated. So now I'm like...well I want to go back to therapy with her. Even though I'm not completely convinced that is such a wise or healthy idea. I emailed my current therapist last night and told her I needed to talk to her about something important before our next session on Friday. I also emailed my psychiatrist for advice but haven't heard back from him. Anyway, I'm all stressed out about this and don't know what to do or where to turn.
On a good note, I had lunch with my tutor from middle/high school yesterday. She has acted as a second mother to me over the years and knows all about me and my struggles. I made an art project for her and gave it to her. It made her cry. And then she cried again when I told her my fondest memory of her (I cried too this time). She said to me, "The only thing you could ever do to disappoint me is if you were not here, if you took your own life." I don't think I have ever had anyone say that to me before. SO blessed to have her in my life.
Anyway, that's about it...for now.
I'm having...therapy issues right now. I have been seeing my current therapist over a year and she has really helped me in so many ways. But lately (maybe the past few weeks or so?) I have felt like our connection is off. It's harder for me to open up with her, especially about trauma stuff, and I feel like everything is so forced or fake with her. Is that rude? I just don't feel like I get much feedback or advice from her, and I feel directionless. What am I supposed to be working on? Where do I go from here? I brought this up with her briefly last week and didn't get much of a response. She just assumed that everything was okay after we had a phone conversation. She thinks our lack of connection is from our discussions about boundaries. But I'm not so sure. To make matters a little more complicated, I have encountered my old therapist at the pool a few times. I don't feel like diving into what exactly happened with us and how our relationship ended, but it was pretty sticky. I do not have hard feelings towards her anymore though. Anyway, it was so good to run into her and see her and it made me realize how much I miss her, as a person and a therapist. She was always so good about kicking me in the butt to get me motivated. So now I'm like...well I want to go back to therapy with her. Even though I'm not completely convinced that is such a wise or healthy idea. I emailed my current therapist last night and told her I needed to talk to her about something important before our next session on Friday. I also emailed my psychiatrist for advice but haven't heard back from him. Anyway, I'm all stressed out about this and don't know what to do or where to turn.
On a good note, I had lunch with my tutor from middle/high school yesterday. She has acted as a second mother to me over the years and knows all about me and my struggles. I made an art project for her and gave it to her. It made her cry. And then she cried again when I told her my fondest memory of her (I cried too this time). She said to me, "The only thing you could ever do to disappoint me is if you were not here, if you took your own life." I don't think I have ever had anyone say that to me before. SO blessed to have her in my life.
Anyway, that's about it...for now.
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