Layers

I am still working through The Courage to Heal books. The other day I ran across an excerpt from the section where survivors tell their stories. And it hit me so hard that I have to share it.

"When I get into a crisis now, instead of saying, "Oh my god, I'm never going to heal," I see that it's like layers, and the more I work with it, the more they keep coming around. And even though it's like "But I was feeling good two days ago and now I'm shaking and crying and I can't sleep," I'm beginning to see that I'm not coming back to the same place, I'm coming back at a different level. It's a circling, and up and down, and I have to be with it, and ride it, and trust it. When I reach the next level where the tears are, where the fear is, where the tiredness is, I have to trust in my life energy -- that where I am is where I need to be. And by being there as fully as I possibly can, I move to the next step." - Gizelle

I told my therapist today that I think I have recovered all the memories I am going to remember. That there used to be a time where I felt and knew inside of me that there was more to be remembered, and the memories kept coming. But I don't feel that way anymore. I don't think there is anything big left. I continue to remember small details, sometimes more haunting than the big things. I look back to a year ago, hell even four months ago, and it has gotten so much better, it has gotten so much easier. "It" being the remembering and the process of dealing with my childhood sexual abuse. This is not to say it's all better, but I'm not in the emergency stage anymore, at least not in a constant state of it. Some days are better than others, some days are worse than others.

My therapist asked me today, "What do you think you need now to heal?" I told her I didn't know. I threw out there the idea of forgiveness, the idea of needing to still get really angry. I'm just going to keep doing what I have been doing. It has worked so far. Maybe I will give EMDR a try too, and maybe take K up on her offer and try body memory recall. I also talked to my therapist today about how I can acknowledge that I was sexually abused, but it's hard for me to embrace, hard for me to swallow the fact that it was ME. My therapist has been keeping my Courage to Heal workbook in her office for a few weeks because it's just been too much for me to do lately, but she gave it back to me today. I looked at the cover, and had to turn it over. The words "child sexual abuse" just get to me. This is MY book, and it has those words on the cover? I believe it all really happened, but it's scary and sad for me to...take it.

BUT, with all of that said...I didn't think there would be a day when it would get better, but it HAS. And it will continue to. And there will be a day without flashbacks, and without body memories, and without all the crap that comes with PTSD.

There is SO much to say right now, it's all good though. Positive and forward motion. Yesterday I felt like a hopeless head case. Today, with the help of the wonderfully amazing K, and my wonderfully amazing therapist...I have hope.