Hello ED

I don't really blog about my eating disorder that often because....well sometimes I think it's boring. I hate thinking about it. And I also think sometimes I am in a little bit of denial about it. But, my eating disorder is always on my mind. It is always there...whether it's acting on out behaviors or not...it is always there. I have found that in times of great stress, anxiety, and over all confusion...is when I think about it the most. Totally makes sense right? I mean, it's my crutch. It's my "friend". It's my go-to thing when things are too tough to deal with in a healthy way.

I made a commitment a few weeks ago to truly and really move forward with my eating disorder recovery. And I still am standing by that. But lately I have been discouraged. ED was hiding away for a little while, and now he's back.

Has anyone seen that documentary THIN that HBO did several years back? Do you remember the girl Brittney? Do you remember when she is screaming and crying in group, "I just want to be thin! I want to be skinny! God please make me thin!" I feel like that ALL the time. Every person in the world will tell me I am already thin. But for me...not thin enough. I am small...well, I'm short. I'm 4'11'' and muscular. But to me...I am not thin. So, I was thinking about that a lot today and ED pops up in my brain and says..."Okay, so you want to be thin? Don't eat for 3 days." I said, "Deal". I mean...a little over a year ago I weighed 10 lbs less than I do now. I can get back there again, right? But when I think about it realistically...how did I feel emotionally when I weighed 10 lbs less, how did I feel physically? Well, I felt like shit. I lost my job because of it. But, it's crazy...ED is SO powerful. I REALLY want to lose 10 lbs. I really do. It would make me feel better. I truly believe that....even though I can look back to a year ago and remember how shitty things were.

I really want to not eat. And I really want to purge what I do eat. And I really want to run more than I need to. But here's the clincher...will I? Will I give into ED? Or will I fight and do what I know is right, and take care of myself, my body, and my mind?

Here's the thing. I'm scared of losing ED. Without it...Holly = nothing. Lies or truth?

I remember the day I was discharged from Remuda Ranch. It was May 11, 2004. I felt good about my body. I didn't hear ED. I felt beautiful. I loved the way I looked. I look at pictures from that day and still love the way I look then. I am glowing in those pictures. If only I could get back to that place...that mind-set.

This is probably one of the most honest posts I have ever written. I am a little nervous about posting it because, I feel selfish and annoying. I'm afraid I am triggering. But it is how I feel. I need to be honest.

I know I need to move forward. Backwards motion is dangerous territory for me and it gets me no where. How do you fight off those really loud and obnoxious ED voices? And how do you know that without ED...you are someone and something?