Winter

"I’m living under water. Everything seems slow and far away. I know there’s a world up there, a sunlit quick world where time runs like dry sand through an hourglass, but down here, where I am, air and sound and time and feeling are thick and dense."
-Audrey Niffenegger, The Time Traveler’s Wife

This quote basically sums out how I feel right now, how I feel through the season of winter. I hate cold weather. I hate the way it seems to freeze up my insides and make everything in the past come flooding back. Why is that? I feel dark and depressed, yet numb at the same time. Every day feels the same, everything is dark. I don't feel any hope in this season. And maybe that's why every single day lately I just have the urge to carve up my leg or arm. If I don't have anything to look forward to, that's all I want to do. I have gone 3 weeks without self-harm, without cutting, and the only reason is because I continually find things to look forward to. Even in the midst of all the struggle I feel right now, all the mess that I feel right now...I can find something to look forward to. And for me, that is so important for me. I must always have something to look forward to and something to be excited about. And I always do.
So, while I feel so very dark inside, so hopeless, and so scared and anxious, I feel excited about certain things. And so, to take care of myself...I am going to make a list of the things I am looking forward to currently.

- Thursday (seeing K, getting a massage, therapy)

- Buying a sparkly dress for my family's Christmas party

- Going to the UVA basketball game with my dad on Friday

- Christmas in general

- Buying presents for friends and family

- A possible snow storm on Thursday and Sunday

- Whenever the hell Black Swan opens in theaters around here!

And that's all I can think of for now. But that's enough. Because I have things to feel good about and to be excited about. As hard as it is, I have to think of those things when everything in me feels like giving in to the darkness.