healing

I had group tonight. I am really loving it. It's based on the book "Eating in the Light of the Moon". It's a small group, there are 7 of us, all who struggle with food in different ways. The group leader, Elisabeth is so awesome and such an old soul. I have been getting so much out of this group. At Remuda, my favorite part was the understanding from everyone and being able to relate. I never felt lonely there and that is such a good feeling when all your life all you have felt is lonely and isolated. Like at Remuda, this group helps me feel not alone. It really hit me tonight in group to hear the other women discuss things that I feel and think about as well. It is so healing to not be alone, to not FEEL alone. We do different activities in group that really help me think about my emotions, my feelings, my soul. It brings up so many emotions, emotions that I have noticed I have been suppressing. I am really grateful for this group for making me realizing what I am stuffing down and not dealing with. So now I get to go to therapy tomorrow and process all of it. What fun! Haha but no, I really feel myself healing and it's really cool.

Work is going well. I love coaching the dive team so much. The kids are adorable and it really helps me to focus on them and on coaching instead of the other yucky stuff going on in my head. I'm not sure what my plans are going to be when the summer is over. I'm really not looking forward to going back to my hostessing job. I will have to figure something out, because I need the money so badly.

Meals have been going pretty good. I am incorporating breakfast into my days more and more. I don't understand why that meal is so damn hard for me, but I need to just get over it. I am allowing myself to enjoy food and add foods in that I normally wouldn't have allowed myself to have before treatment. Still no purging, even though I came scary close to relapsing with it last week. I had to call my therapist to get through it. I have noticed I want to b/p whenever I am too overwhelmed with emotions, so I just need to remember to ground myself during those times and do something very distracting. Body image is still a giant struggle (no pun intended). It's so stressful having clothes being too tight for me that were almost falling off of me last summer. I get so angry and frustrated when getting dressed. I KNOW my body is bigger, seeing as how I have gained 20lbs since March. I hate wearing a bathing suit and am getting sort of anxious for the beach and having to be in one 24/7. I guess I'm just really discouraged about my body and don't really feel like I'm making too much progress in that area. My dietitian reminds me that I am healthy for the first time after having a sick, malnourished, child like body for so many years. I know she is right and when I look back to pictures of myself I see how skinny I was. But I just think I have gone overboard and now I'm too big.

I am getting so so exited for the beach in 2 weeks! I am reallllllly crossing my fingers that my BFF Erin can come. I will be so upset if she can't. But I am really looking forward to relaxing on the beach every day, reading a book, eating seafood, watching the sun set, walking on the beach, and hopefully getting to surf!