survival is strength, not shame

So, I am currently watching the 2 hour Diane Sawyer special on Jaycee Dugard, the girl that was held captive by a sex offender and his wife for 18 years. She has said two very powerful statements that have hit me so deep and so hard. "Survival is strength, not shame." And, "It's his shame, not mine.". And it also hit me that she was 11 years old when she was kidnapped and abused, the same age I was when I was sexually abused. Hearing all of this has really helped put what happened to me into perspective. I have always thought of myself at the time of my abuse as someone older and bigger than I actually was. In reality, I was a very small, young girl. Yes, I was a very muscular and strong 11 year old, but I was still 11 years old. And I guess I have to remember that. I always have faulted myself for not saying no, not trying harder to push him away, and not telling anyone at the time. Therapists at Remuda, and my own therapist here at home have told me it was absolutely not my fault, there is no way it could have been. I was too young to understand what was going on. I know they are right, I know it in my heart. But it's so hard because I feel like there must have been SOMETHING I could have done, but didn't.

But then I think about the statement that survival is strength, not shame. And that is such a powerful and true statement. So, somehow I survived it. And my coping mechanism for 7 years was blocking it out. It was too much to bear. I survived the abuse during the worst year of my life. I somehow continued to thrive in athletics, and found my creativity in writing. I was definitely changed after the abuse, how can you not be? But I survived...I guess that's what matters most.