One reason recovery sucks.

Recovery kind of sucks for me right now. Don't get me wrong, I really really want recovery. But this journey is definitaly not a smooth or easy one. Right now I am struggling a lot with adjusting to my new body. I am finding it extremely difficult to accept my body. I have gained a considerable amount of weight in the past 5 months. When I first got to treatment, I honestly did not think I needed to gain weight. I really believed I was at a healthy weight. I was way off base. While I know it is so, so important to get back to a healthy weight (which I have) I never ever thought it would be this hard and painful to gain back the weight that I have lost, and weigh more than I ever have in my life. It is so hard to not be negative about it. My clothes are tighter, and I am getting to the point where I might need to buy a size up in jeans and shorts. So many people have told me how much better I look, how I have a glow, and a sparkle in my eyes. Every time my friend Karen hugs me she says how good it is to actually have something to hug, and not just bones. I really did not expect this in my recovery...the whole body change thing. It's gotten me really down lately. I am not trusting my body right now. I don't know how I can believe that my body will reach a healthy weight and stay there and not keep gaining and get fat. My therapist says I just have to trust it. I found myself in tears on the phone with her last night and so close to going out to get food to binge and purge. But I didn't. I rode the wave and got through it. I guess my point is....is that while I know weight gain and regaining health is so important and necessary to recovery...it still sucks. And it's hard. So hard. I guess I just have to take it day to day and hope that it will get better.