dietitian appointment and etc.

I saw my dietitian today. It went really well! Even though I gained half a pound. I am just so glad my weight didn't go up a pound or more, because I would have lost it. I left her office last week in tears and I didn't want that to happen again. I had a really good talk with her today (as I always do). But I was able to tell her how I recognized how I have been stuffing my feelings lately, and we talked about which feelings those were; sadness, lonely, anxious. I discussed with her about how I haven't been feeling worthy of help lately. I feel like I have to be starving myself to death or puking my guts out every day to be needy of help. She told me that is not true at all, that I am in the beginning of my recovery and need support now more than ever, and I totally deserve that help. Especially since I am having such a horrible time with body image. I convinced my mom to buy me new jeans, so we are going to Nordstroms tomorrow to do that. It will be stressful buying jeans that are a size bigger than what I have always worn, but I hate wearing the too tight jeans that I have right now. I feel so uncomfortable in them.

I just cannot stand my body. I know, I know...that is such negative thinking. I know I should embrace my new body and be thankful it's working and I am no longer malnourished and sick and emaciated (as my dietitian described me before treatment). How do I embrace my new body? Someone please tell me. Because I am not understanding it.

I burst into tears earlier today because...well I don't know why. I've just been emotional lately. And every one has been super nice to me lately. I am feeling the love, I really am. I am so thankful for so many wonderful and amazing people in my life. To name a few...all my friends from Remuda, my dietitian Trish, my friend and inspiration Karen, the leader of my support group Elisabeth, my therapist Ann, my psychiatrist Dr. S, my mentor and second mom Mrs. Robson, all the women in my support group, the kids I coach on the dive team and their parents, the other coaches I coach with - Shirley and Mason, and my family of course, even though they drive me nuts.

But anyway, I need to stop worrying so fucking much. I need to stop obsessing over my body. SO much easier said than done