You have three choices...

You have three choices. You can either let it define you, you can let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you.

I saw the above quote today and I fell in love with it. What makes this quote so significant for me that that the "it" that the quote is talking about is an eating disorder, well at least that's my interpretation. I have experienced all three of the choices in this quote. I made my ED my identity for the past 8, almost 9, years. Yes I was an athlete, I was a daughter, a sister, a friend, but I was consumed by my ED and that, in my opinion, was my only worth, as crazy as that sounds. The second choice, well it didn't destroy me to the point where I died, but I certaintly have come close. I almost killed myself twice in February. I also had heart palpitations, horrible lab work, and I was vomiting blood. I really did almost die. And that leaves the third choice. You can let it strengthen you. Well here I am, 7 months out of treatment and 7 months into recovery. I can say with complete certainty that it has made me stronger. I can see so clearly now, and the little things in life that get most people down so easily, don't shake me up too much. I just feel stronger. It's kind of hard to give examples. But I have learned so much about myself and my life, and I really feel I am better in all areas, because of my struggles.


I saw my dietitian tonight. We had another good session. It seems that as each day goes by I feel more and more stronger than ED. For example, this week I have had little to no appetite. In the past I would have just resorted to my ED and skipped meals or b/p. But I have eaten all three meals every single day this week, for the second week in a row. My dietitian was beaming over this fact. "That's so awesome!" I love when she says that. It makes me smile. Lately it's been all about ignoring ED and doing what is right. Feeding myself, nourishing myself. It's totally the right thing to do, but totally hard, and totally possible. My dietitian wants to keep seeing me on a weekly basis because even though I am doing better with my food, I'm still pretty fragile about it. And because I was so stressed out this week, I had increased urges to b/p and restrict. She just wants to keep all of that in check, and I am perfectly okay with that. I also brought up my concern with her about how I have cravings for sweets and so-called junk foods. I said that 9 times out of 10 I don't buy these foods because I'm scared of them, I'm scared of bingeing on them. I also am scared that eating them will cause more weight gain. She said that it is perfectly normal to want to eat those foods, and even more normal to actually eat them.

Therapy was good on Thursday. I didn't really have anything pressing I needed to talk about, so we just sort of talked about other stuff. It was a good session. I felt upbeat and energetic the rest of the day. I guess I will just deal with whatever comes up and not look for things to talk about. Although sometimes I think that's not a bad idea. Sometimes my therapist points things out to me that maybe I should spend more time on, but not lately.

Anyway, that's all I have for now. I am SO glad it is Friday. I get to sleep in tomorrow, and Sunday, and Monday. Even though I do have to babysit tomorrow night. It's all good though!