The drive for recovery

Never in my 8 years of dealing with this disease, did I ever think my drive for recovery could ever be this strong, and it's still growing. I look back 4-5 months ago and I was dead hopeless. There was no light in my future, there was no possibility of any sense of happiness or peace. I was stuck and that was how I was going to be for the rest of my life. It amazed me when I was sitting in group one day at Remuda and we were going around doing a feelings check. And that day I picked...hopeful. I had to almost pinch myself because I couldn't believe that word was coming from my mouth. From that day foward, hope has lived with me. I'm not sure exactly how hope came to me, but I am so glad it did. It has been 3 months since I have been out of treatment, and I am proud to say I am doing very well. I still sometimes can't believe I am here and alive and thriving, instead of just existing. Each day that goes by I have a stronger need and desire for recovery. It amazes me that I want something GOOD for myself, that I feel like maybe I actually do deserve this. This past 3 months have been by no means easy. But it sure has been easier than living in the hell I have been put through the past 8 years. I came so very close to death 5 months ago...to the point where I had a handful of pills ready to swallow. Never did I think I would be where I am now. Never did I think I would want something good for myself. I won't lie and say that I don't get scared. My biggest fear these days isn't food or wearing a bathing suit, but the idea and possibility of relapse. I remind myself every day of how far gone I was 5 months ago and how I never ever want to feel that way again. I don't think I could survive to go through that one more time. I have been through it enough. It's time to give myself what I have been deprived of for so long...a life lived with excitement, clarity, and hope. I used to take the word hope for granted. And I never realized it was more than just a word. But now that it's a part of my life, I can't believe on what I was missing out on. Hope may be a trivial thing to some, but for me...it saved my life.

but you keep on moving anyway...

SO, I have some pretty interesting news to share. Well, you know how my body image has been absolutely horrible lately? I kept thinking I was gaining weight because my clothes were tighter (No I'm not pregnant if that's what you are thinking), and I could just tell something was off with my body. Anyway, I had to go to the doctor the other day because of ongoing GERD problems. I chose to look at my weight and I was RIGHT. I have gained weight. When I left treatment, the dietitians and doctors gave me a 10lb weight range that I needed to stay in. Well, let's just say I am OVER that weight range. Needless to say, I freaked out when I saw my weight. I have not weighed this much ever. I saw my dietitian today for the first time in 3 weeks and I looked at my weight when she weighed me and I had gone up another pound and a half. My dietitian says it's totally normal when you are in recovery from an eating disorder to gain more weight than you are supposed to. So I didn't feel TOO terrible. I trust my dietitian 100% and believed her when she said we are going to fix this and she will get me back in my weight range. My assignment for the week is to count how many times I chew my food to see if maybe I am eating too fast. I tried it with dinner tonight and it is super annoying. But I definitely ate slower than normal...I think. So I go back to see my dietitian next week and I will see then if my weight has gone down. Now, I would be lying if I said this situation doesn't trigger me to resort to ED behaviors. Honestly the first think I thought of when I saw my weight a couple days ago was finding a place to go and b/p. But I didn't. I think my inner strength is showing, and I am somehow fighting through this. It really helps that I trust my dietitian and know that she has my best interest in her mind and heart. I definitely had my fears that once I put the weight back on, that I would keep gaining and would gain too much. And since that actually happened, I am kind of nervous around food right now. I don't think I have been eating any more than usual. But anyway, I remain hopeful that this will normalize and this will just be a speed bump in my recovery.

milestones and victories

Milestones and victories are important in recovery, and it's always helpful to recognize what they are and celebrate them. Here are some of mine...

1. 4 months no purging

2. 3 months no self-harm

3. Reached my goal weight and maintaining (Even though this one is hard to accept, I know it is important!)

4. Countless times of hearing the voice in my head to skip a meal, but eating anyway

5. Taking my medications every day since I've been home

6. Eating my biggest fear food (cake)

7. Holding down two jobs and not over stressed about it

8. Getting excited about certain foods

9. Going to the grocery store and not taking 1-2 hours to buy my groceries

10. 2 (almost 3) months of solid recovery

hard stuff

I'm in this weird phase right now. Everything with food is going well. But my body image is just terrible. I don't know if it's ever been this bad. I've had two people tell me in the past week how much bigger I look in my hips and thighs. I really wasn't aware of how much bigger I was until they said something. And now I'm convinced I am over weight. My dietitian was out of town last week and this week, so I don't see her until the 24th and I have no way of contacting her. I am really scared that even though I reached my ideal weight a few weeks ago, that I have continued to gain and now I'm out of my range. I have not restricted my food intake and I am not purging, so the ED voice hasn't gotten the best of me. But it takes forever to pick out outfits and I walk around feeling so insecure. *Warning, might trigger* I used to have a gap in between my thighs when I stood with my feet together, and now I don't. *trigger over* My clothes are tighter and it's just really frustrating and I found myself crying about it the other day. I'm very anxious for my dietitian to get back in town so I can talk to her about this and figure out if my weight is really close to being out of it's range.

I'm having...therapy issues right now. I have been seeing my current therapist over a year and she has really helped me in so many ways. But lately (maybe the past few weeks or so?) I have felt like our connection is off. It's harder for me to open up with her, especially about trauma stuff, and I feel like everything is so forced or fake with her. Is that rude? I just don't feel like I get much feedback or advice from her, and I feel directionless. What am I supposed to be working on? Where do I go from here? I brought this up with her briefly last week and didn't get much of a response. She just assumed that everything was okay after we had a phone conversation. She thinks our lack of connection is from our discussions about boundaries. But I'm not so sure. To make matters a little more complicated, I have encountered my old therapist at the pool a few times. I don't feel like diving into what exactly happened with us and how our relationship ended, but it was pretty sticky. I do not have hard feelings towards her anymore though. Anyway, it was so good to run into her and see her and it made me realize how much I miss her, as a person and a therapist. She was always so good about kicking me in the butt to get me motivated. So now I'm like...well I want to go back to therapy with her. Even though I'm not completely convinced that is such a wise or healthy idea. I emailed my current therapist last night and told her I needed to talk to her about something important before our next session on Friday. I also emailed my psychiatrist for advice but haven't heard back from him. Anyway, I'm all stressed out about this and don't know what to do or where to turn.

On a good note, I had lunch with my tutor from middle/high school yesterday. She has acted as a second mother to me over the years and knows all about me and my struggles. I made an art project for her and gave it to her. It made her cry. And then she cried again when I told her my fondest memory of her (I cried too this time). She said to me, "The only thing you could ever do to disappoint me is if you were not here, if you took your own life." I don't think I have ever had anyone say that to me before. SO blessed to have her in my life.

Anyway, that's about it...for now.

Sadness

I've been really emotional this week. Lots of feelings of sadness and loneliness. I have been trying my hardest to avoid these feelings and where they are coming from. So today when I saw my therapist, she highly encouraged me to journal and/or blog about it.

I guess both of those feelings go together. When I feel one, I feel the other. I feel like there is this empty space surrounding me and my heart flutters all the time (and not in a good way). I miss the closeness and the comfort provided by the girls and staff in treatment.

I really feel like crawling under my covers right now and crying. I guess I just wish I had more friends, more friends that lived here. I mean, my recovery is going well. I'm feeding my body and my brain. I am hopeful and moving forwards. Everything is good. I'm just lonely. And I KNOW everything is going to be okay, because it seems to be okay already. But I'm just sad, and I need a hug.

I'm not sure where this post is going. And I don't think I figured out where all these feelings are coming from other than the loneliness. Why am I so darn sad? Why do I feel so empty and deprived of comfort?

Things will get better, I guess.

but I'm telling myself I'll be okay

Sorry I haven't been writing much. My laptop has to be sent away for 2-4 weeks to be fixed. It's so frustrating! There has been a lot going on, so I'm at my parent's house currently on their computer and I figured I would write an update.

It's been 2 months since I left treatment and have been in recovery. It feels good. I never thought it was possible, but it is. The past couple of weeks have been my hardest since I have been home. My anxiety has been pretty high and that makes meal time hard. I lose my appetite and even though I want to eat, I don't feel hunger. It's really hard because I have to fight the anxiety and eat anyway. I'm not really sure why my anxiety is so high. I think it could be a couple different things. All the drama going on with "the boy". I need to stand my ground with this situation and use good boundaries. It's very confusing. I will figure it out though. Also, I'm having a hard time with my therapist. I have been seeing her over a year and this is the first time that I have felt our connection is sort of falling apart. It's a very scary and lonely situation. I have emailed her my concerns about it and she thinks it has to do with the fact that we are talking about boundaries in thearpy, and somehow it's transfering over to our relationship. I really hope we can work this out. There really are no other therapists in my town that deal with eating disorders. It will work out, I hope.
My jobs are going well. I'm still hostessing during the day, and coaching diving in the evenings. I like my jobs, but I'm short on money and that is very stressful. I just got a huge bill from my dietitian and there is no way I can afford it. So my parent's have to pay it. I'm scared to give them the bill in person, so I'm just leaving it on my Dad's desk. Is that bad? I am constantly worrying about money. Once I start getting paychecks from my coaching job, it shouldn't be as bad.
I had the best day this weekend. On Saturday, two of my friends from Remuda came down for the day and visited. We had so much fun. We went to the Greek Festival and then we went to the tattoo parlor. Erin got her cartilage pierced. Michelle wanted to get something done, but didn't. And I finally got the tattoo I wanted. I got the bird flying out of the birdcage on my hip. It symbolizes freedom and recovery so it's really special to me. My parent's were SO mad. They aren't really speaking to me right now. Which, is really upsetting actually. I wish they could understand it. Maybe they will come around. Anyway, it was so awesome to spend the day with Erin and Michelle. We laughed and talked so much. It was just awesome to have some company.
Things with my meals are...going okay. It could be a lot better. I have been slipping some. My dietitian tells me nothing about my weight, just if it's in the range or not. Right now I am still in my range. But I could tell by her face last week that it wasn't good. I need to just do this. I know I can. I KNOW it. I've done it before. I have to just push through any doubts or fears and remind myself that I can do this. And that the ED is horrible and painful and recovery is amazing and SO worth it. You know, it's scary, so scary to think about relapse. Sometimes I obsess about it. But what my therapist told me, and is so true, is that I cannot think about that. I have to think about what I want, I have to think about moving forward, to what's ahead. There is so much out there for me, for everyone struggling with this disease.

Current theme songs:

A little bit stronger - Sara Evans
Hair - Lady GaGa
Give it all away - Aaron Shust <--- Have to listen to this one!