"Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life." - J.K. Rowling
2011 has been the best year of my life. But it certainly did not start out that way. On February 10th, I had reached my rock bottom. I was malnourished, dehydrated, extremely sleep deprived, and suicidal. I was sick and tired of living. I didn't believe things would ever get better for me. And so, with a handful of sleeping pills in one hand and a glass of water in the other...I was about to end my life. Nothing was stopping me. But yet, something did stop me. For the longest time, I couldn't figure out what that was. There was no logical reason why I did not swallow those pills, for there was no sense of hope inside of me. Today, I strongly believe God had everything to do with me putting down those pills. Sounds strange maybe, but that is the only reason I can think of as to why I did not go through with killing myself that day. I went to my therapist the next day and admitted I needed more help than I was getting. And so I checked myself into a psychiatric hospital. I spent the next five days there. On my fourth day, my parents told me the next day that I would be leaving and would be admitted to Remuda Ranch. I was relieved.
On February 15th, I started my stay at Remuda Ranch. I spent the next 45 days there. 30 days in a residential program, and 15 days in a step down program in Chandler, Arizona. I flew home to Virginia on March 31st.
The past 9 months have really flown by. But as they say, time flies when you are having fun! And since entering recovery, I have had so much fun enjoying life once again and learning to love myself. Recovery is not an easy task, nor does it happen overnight. It is not straight forward, it is not as simple as it sounds. But recovery is amazing, it is beautiful, it is about being able to laugh again, and smiling because I feel so good inside.
I have gained so much this year. New friendships being one. I formed lifelong friendships with the women I met in treatment. I have formed a sisterhood with them that can never be taken away.
I have a great support system around me, guiding me along the way with their never failing support. My therapist, dietitian, psychiatrist, support group, Mrs. Robson, my friend Karen, and my friend Kathleen.
I have a faith in God that He will be there for me every step of the way.
I have the most amazing job in the world. The family I nanny for makes me smile more than anyone else.
Among other things, I have gained HOPE. TRUST. FAITH. LOVE FOR MYSELF. HAPPINESS. PEACE. COMFORT. SAFETY. MOTIVATION. STRENGTH. A NEW LIFE.
I have restored my soul.
I am sad to see 2011 go, for it brought so many great and amazing people and experiences into my life. But 2012, and the years to follow, will be filled with so many other great things. I am so excited for my future.
THANK YOU 2011!
YOU HAVE BEEN AWESOME!
Friday, December 30, 2011
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Almost time for 2012
Well, I think I have a lot to catch up on.
Yesterday my friend Erin came to visit. It was SO good to see her! When she got here we went shopping at the big mall and then went out to dinner at Brio with my dad, sister, and my sister's boyfriend. Dinner was really yummy! It was worth the 45 minutes we had to wait. I was sitting on a couch and this really strange woman was practically sitting on top of me and constantly fidgeting. It was REALLY annoying.
Anyway, after dinner we came back to my house and watched Bridesmaids. Oh my goodness, if you have not watched this, please go see it right now. I literally peed in my pants I was laughing so hard. It was hilarious! Erin and I stayed up for a couple more hours watching The Simple Life with Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton. I hadn't watched it in forever and I forgot how funny that show was.
We got up at 11 this morning, because I had a psychiatrist appointment I had to go to, and I really didn't want to drag her to that. So she drove back home to Maryland. I'm sad our visit was so short, but I know we will see each other again soon!
My psychiatrist appointment was...interesting. I was sitting in the waiting room and I just felt this very profound sense of sadness. I really wasn't sure where it was coming from or why it came on so suddenly. When my psychiatrist called me back he could tell right away that something was going on. I just updated him on all the family drama and money problems, and then I admitted to him that lately, meaning the past 3-4 weeks, I have missed my eating disorder. I have found myself fantasizing about it almost every day. And I have not been doing that great with breakfast. And then I talked about how this cold weather is reminding me of the physical and emotional state I was in a year ago. Full blown relapse, severely depressed, suicidal, cutting all over myself, no sleep, no sense of happiness or safety, an unhealthy relationship, medical issues, etc. I feel like I'm reliving all of that again. Except, I'm really not. But I think last year was really traumatizing and I am terrified when I think about that. I'm not really sure what to do with these feelings, except feel them. Which is really hard right now. So, anyway I was telling my psychiatrist this and I felt the tears. And it was crazy because I've never cried in front of him before, not in my 6 years of seeing him. And I was like, "Oh shit" and he knew I was crying. It was just...interesting, but good I guess.
Anyway, so tomorrow I see my therapist. I can't wait to give her the CD I made her. I hope she likes it. And then I am supposed to have lunch with my second mom, although she hasn't texted me back to confirm it. And then I am meeting up with my friend Karen after that. It should be a good day.
Anyway, that's all for now.
Yesterday my friend Erin came to visit. It was SO good to see her! When she got here we went shopping at the big mall and then went out to dinner at Brio with my dad, sister, and my sister's boyfriend. Dinner was really yummy! It was worth the 45 minutes we had to wait. I was sitting on a couch and this really strange woman was practically sitting on top of me and constantly fidgeting. It was REALLY annoying.
Anyway, after dinner we came back to my house and watched Bridesmaids. Oh my goodness, if you have not watched this, please go see it right now. I literally peed in my pants I was laughing so hard. It was hilarious! Erin and I stayed up for a couple more hours watching The Simple Life with Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton. I hadn't watched it in forever and I forgot how funny that show was.
We got up at 11 this morning, because I had a psychiatrist appointment I had to go to, and I really didn't want to drag her to that. So she drove back home to Maryland. I'm sad our visit was so short, but I know we will see each other again soon!
My psychiatrist appointment was...interesting. I was sitting in the waiting room and I just felt this very profound sense of sadness. I really wasn't sure where it was coming from or why it came on so suddenly. When my psychiatrist called me back he could tell right away that something was going on. I just updated him on all the family drama and money problems, and then I admitted to him that lately, meaning the past 3-4 weeks, I have missed my eating disorder. I have found myself fantasizing about it almost every day. And I have not been doing that great with breakfast. And then I talked about how this cold weather is reminding me of the physical and emotional state I was in a year ago. Full blown relapse, severely depressed, suicidal, cutting all over myself, no sleep, no sense of happiness or safety, an unhealthy relationship, medical issues, etc. I feel like I'm reliving all of that again. Except, I'm really not. But I think last year was really traumatizing and I am terrified when I think about that. I'm not really sure what to do with these feelings, except feel them. Which is really hard right now. So, anyway I was telling my psychiatrist this and I felt the tears. And it was crazy because I've never cried in front of him before, not in my 6 years of seeing him. And I was like, "Oh shit" and he knew I was crying. It was just...interesting, but good I guess.
Anyway, so tomorrow I see my therapist. I can't wait to give her the CD I made her. I hope she likes it. And then I am supposed to have lunch with my second mom, although she hasn't texted me back to confirm it. And then I am meeting up with my friend Karen after that. It should be a good day.
Anyway, that's all for now.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Bulimia.
*Warning. This post has the potential to be triggering. I do not use numbers. But if you are easily triggered by talk of bulimia, you should not read this post.*
I've had my eating disorder for 9 years. For the majority of those years, I struggled with anorexia. However, the past 3-4 years I came into the grips of bulimia. I am writing this blog post to explore why and how bulimia has been more effective for me, in terms of my disease, not my life. I want to preface this by saying that I am currently 10 months purge free.
Bulimia for me was/is all about comfort and safety and control. In particular, the rituals that I had surrounding my binge/purge episodes. There was this huge build up of anticipation when planning and carrying out my binges and purges. I almost want to say I glorified it in my mind. But bulimia is not glamorous or fun. Bulimia was so addictive for me. It was my crutch, my escape. I did it with so much secrecy, that it was almost was like this secret friend I had that I couldn't imagine living without. I know that if I relapsed with bulimia, it would be a hard and fast fall. While I'm not purging, I still think about it quite often. I still plan out binges in my head. I still remember the the rituals I had. It brings me comfort and safety just thinking about it and seeing it in my head. The foods I used to binge/purge on, were mainly fast food types of things. I realize that I haven't eaten my favorite fast food since February, the last time I binged/purged.
I figured out something out in therapy last week. I've always felt that safety and comfort have been lacking in my life, for as long as I can remember. And I really believe that's one of the main reasons I turned to my eating disorder. And even today, I struggle with these things. And I have noticed that when I am having an especially hard time with those feelings, that I have more bulimia centered thoughts and urges.
I think this is definitely something to explore in therapy. Obviously I need to find healthy ways to get comfort and safety. I think having more friends would help, but that also feels unsafe to me. It's complicated.
Anyway, that's my thought for the night.
I've had my eating disorder for 9 years. For the majority of those years, I struggled with anorexia. However, the past 3-4 years I came into the grips of bulimia. I am writing this blog post to explore why and how bulimia has been more effective for me, in terms of my disease, not my life. I want to preface this by saying that I am currently 10 months purge free.
Bulimia for me was/is all about comfort and safety and control. In particular, the rituals that I had surrounding my binge/purge episodes. There was this huge build up of anticipation when planning and carrying out my binges and purges. I almost want to say I glorified it in my mind. But bulimia is not glamorous or fun. Bulimia was so addictive for me. It was my crutch, my escape. I did it with so much secrecy, that it was almost was like this secret friend I had that I couldn't imagine living without. I know that if I relapsed with bulimia, it would be a hard and fast fall. While I'm not purging, I still think about it quite often. I still plan out binges in my head. I still remember the the rituals I had. It brings me comfort and safety just thinking about it and seeing it in my head. The foods I used to binge/purge on, were mainly fast food types of things. I realize that I haven't eaten my favorite fast food since February, the last time I binged/purged.
I figured out something out in therapy last week. I've always felt that safety and comfort have been lacking in my life, for as long as I can remember. And I really believe that's one of the main reasons I turned to my eating disorder. And even today, I struggle with these things. And I have noticed that when I am having an especially hard time with those feelings, that I have more bulimia centered thoughts and urges.
I think this is definitely something to explore in therapy. Obviously I need to find healthy ways to get comfort and safety. I think having more friends would help, but that also feels unsafe to me. It's complicated.
Anyway, that's my thought for the night.
It's been awhile
Sorry for the lack of blog posts you guys. Things have been really hectic and busy and chaotic lately. This week I have been nannying full time because the kids are out of school on Winter Break. I have had to be at their house every day at 8:30 am until 5:30 pm. It's been kind of crazy, but also fun! For the most part the kids have been behaving well, with the exception of some issues here and there. But it has been to hang out with them. I swear, I feel like I am part of their family now. Jane (the mom) always comments about how I am now part of their family and I can't escape them! I just love all of them so much!
I've still been having a rough go with depression. It's mainly just the holidays that are coming up. I'm just not really into it this year. I just want to survive it and get through it and hopefully things will improve soon. I think also my depression has to do with some family drama and money stress that's been going on with me.
As far as food goes, eh well it's been okay. I've really not had the opportunity to skip meals this week because I've been spending so much time with the kids. On Tuesday we went to lunch at a pizza buffet. This is really the first buffet I have encountered since being in recovery. It really messed with me. I felt like I ate SO much. I felt completely out of control and almost felt like I couldn't stop myself. I ALMOST purged. I came so freaking close. It freaked me out so much that I emailed my dietitian. She told me that overeating sometimes is perfectly normal, and that she is so proud of me for not purging. I'm so glad I didn't because I know I would have regretted it.
I had group on Wednesday night and it was so, so great. I just vented about everything that's been going on and I got so much great feedback and support from the other women and my group leader. I am so very thankful I have this safe haven in my life. We share our struggles, but we also share our accomplishments as well as our laughter. I am so blessed.
I have been becoming closer to Jane (the mom of the kids I babysit for). I opened up to her and her husband about my past struggles with my eating disorder. I didn't really divulge details. But I was telling them how my friend Michelle (from Remuda) was coming to visit me last weekend and Jane asked where I knew her from and I just couldn't lie. So I told her the truth. She was totally and completely awesome about it. I found myself shaking as I told her. Not that I was embarrassed or ashamed or anything, but I was just nervous that she would look at my differently or something. But that was not the case at all. As I was leaving that night she was like, "thanks for telling us!" And I said, "thanks for being so accepting!" And she responded, "I'm so proud of you!" Ahh, I almost started crying. I am just so glad I told them and that she ended up being so accepting and awesome about it!
I've been having some boy drama lately and I was telling her all about it the other night and we ended up talking about it for like an hour. She's awesome, needless to say.
I am done Christmas shopping. I finished yesterday. I am pretty excited about all of the gifts that I got for everyone! That's my favorite part, giving gifts! I hope everyone likes what I got them. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve (crazy!) and we are having a family party at my parent's house. There is going to be a lot of good food and drinks, so I am excited about that. I'm also excited about getting dressed up and doing my hair and all of that fun stuff. The party will probably last until about 9ish, and then I am going to church at 11pm. And then my sisters and I all spend the night at my parent's house and we do presents on Christmas morning!
Well, that's basically all that's going on right now. I think my friends Michelle and Erin are coming to visit me next week. I am kind of stressing over that because I have so much cleaning to do in my house. My house just feels gross and cluttered and dirty. AH. Anyway...that's all for now!
Merry Christmas everyone!
I've still been having a rough go with depression. It's mainly just the holidays that are coming up. I'm just not really into it this year. I just want to survive it and get through it and hopefully things will improve soon. I think also my depression has to do with some family drama and money stress that's been going on with me.
As far as food goes, eh well it's been okay. I've really not had the opportunity to skip meals this week because I've been spending so much time with the kids. On Tuesday we went to lunch at a pizza buffet. This is really the first buffet I have encountered since being in recovery. It really messed with me. I felt like I ate SO much. I felt completely out of control and almost felt like I couldn't stop myself. I ALMOST purged. I came so freaking close. It freaked me out so much that I emailed my dietitian. She told me that overeating sometimes is perfectly normal, and that she is so proud of me for not purging. I'm so glad I didn't because I know I would have regretted it.
I had group on Wednesday night and it was so, so great. I just vented about everything that's been going on and I got so much great feedback and support from the other women and my group leader. I am so very thankful I have this safe haven in my life. We share our struggles, but we also share our accomplishments as well as our laughter. I am so blessed.
I have been becoming closer to Jane (the mom of the kids I babysit for). I opened up to her and her husband about my past struggles with my eating disorder. I didn't really divulge details. But I was telling them how my friend Michelle (from Remuda) was coming to visit me last weekend and Jane asked where I knew her from and I just couldn't lie. So I told her the truth. She was totally and completely awesome about it. I found myself shaking as I told her. Not that I was embarrassed or ashamed or anything, but I was just nervous that she would look at my differently or something. But that was not the case at all. As I was leaving that night she was like, "thanks for telling us!" And I said, "thanks for being so accepting!" And she responded, "I'm so proud of you!" Ahh, I almost started crying. I am just so glad I told them and that she ended up being so accepting and awesome about it!
I've been having some boy drama lately and I was telling her all about it the other night and we ended up talking about it for like an hour. She's awesome, needless to say.
I am done Christmas shopping. I finished yesterday. I am pretty excited about all of the gifts that I got for everyone! That's my favorite part, giving gifts! I hope everyone likes what I got them. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve (crazy!) and we are having a family party at my parent's house. There is going to be a lot of good food and drinks, so I am excited about that. I'm also excited about getting dressed up and doing my hair and all of that fun stuff. The party will probably last until about 9ish, and then I am going to church at 11pm. And then my sisters and I all spend the night at my parent's house and we do presents on Christmas morning!
Well, that's basically all that's going on right now. I think my friends Michelle and Erin are coming to visit me next week. I am kind of stressing over that because I have so much cleaning to do in my house. My house just feels gross and cluttered and dirty. AH. Anyway...that's all for now!
Merry Christmas everyone!
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Darkness.
Things aren't going that great. I feel myself slipping. And I just feel like it's happened so fast. Just within the past week and a half. I have felt my depression come back. Probably the most depressed that I've been since February. I just want to clarify thought, I am NOT suicidal, nor do I feel like I'm anywhere close to feeling that way. But, I have had increased urges to self-harm (although I have not succumbed to these urges). I just feel sooo like, uncomfortable. I want to sit in the shower all long. I feel gross. And, I really am not sure where these intense feelings are coming from, and maybe that's what bothers me the most. It's like, why can't I just snap out of it? I have a hunch that it's just the upcoming holiday that is making me feel this way. I love Christmas, but I always seem to get really, really sad and depressed this time of year. So maybe I just have to get past Christmas, and I will be okay. But then after Christmas comes the coldest two months of the year. It makes me cold just thinking about it.
Because of this depression, I have been back sliding with food lately. It's weird though, when I'm eating in the moment, I am not focusing on what I'm eating. I'm not "mindfully eating" as therapist and dietitians like to say. But when I think about the past couple of weeks, I can see how I have not been eating as much as I should. I get so anxious about food, and then I just block it out. I have had increased urges to purge too. Haven't done it though, and I don't plan too either. It just sucks, man. I hate eating disorders. I still want recovery, so so much and still feel like I am fighting for it. But right now I feel like I don't have as much fight in me as I used to, and it would be SO easy to go back to skipping 2-3 meals a day and bingeing and purging.
So, I see my therapist on Thursday and I'm nervous and excited about that. I can't wait to talk all of this out, but I'm also anxious as to what her opinion will be about all of this.
That's all I got for now. My sleep meds are kicking in.
Because of this depression, I have been back sliding with food lately. It's weird though, when I'm eating in the moment, I am not focusing on what I'm eating. I'm not "mindfully eating" as therapist and dietitians like to say. But when I think about the past couple of weeks, I can see how I have not been eating as much as I should. I get so anxious about food, and then I just block it out. I have had increased urges to purge too. Haven't done it though, and I don't plan too either. It just sucks, man. I hate eating disorders. I still want recovery, so so much and still feel like I am fighting for it. But right now I feel like I don't have as much fight in me as I used to, and it would be SO easy to go back to skipping 2-3 meals a day and bingeing and purging.
So, I see my therapist on Thursday and I'm nervous and excited about that. I can't wait to talk all of this out, but I'm also anxious as to what her opinion will be about all of this.
That's all I got for now. My sleep meds are kicking in.
Friday, December 9, 2011
Me, Myself, and Time.
Song of the day: Me, Myself, and Time by Demi Lovato
And I know that everything will be fine with me, myself, and time.
I have been thinking (and feeling) a lot today. I think I kind of figured out the cause of my sadness. I'm beginning to think it's more depression than it is sadness. I have had little to no motivation over the past week or two. I have piles of dirty laundry in my room that I have given little thought to. I have SO much Christmas shopping to do, yet at the end of the day when I get off work, shopping is the last thing I want to do. I just feel kind of blank, empty, and stale. I cried today and tonight for the first time in a long time. It was the result of a combination of many different feelings and thoughts. I have realized how lonely I am. Aside from my friends from treatment (who are the best friends ever), I have no friends my age. My friends from treatment live 1-2 hours away. And really, I don't have that much desire to go out with people my age. I've never been into drinking, partying, bar hopping...none of that. But I feel like that's what most people my age do. I don't know anyone my age. It sounds stupid, but I don't know how to meet them. Yes, there is always Meetup.com. But again, here's where my lack of motivation comes in. It's pathetic. Why am I SO afraid to be social and have fun with other people? I have tons of social anxiety. I have had it for as long as I can remember. I don't know how to break through that. And also, as much as I love my friends from treatment, I don't want all of my friends to have eating disorders, you know? I know there is so much more to me than that. I also would really love to have a boyfriend. But, that's a different story.
I'm not happy with my living situation. But I can't get out of it until my sister finds another roommate. I am terrified of how long that will take. As scared as I am of moving, if I could move out tomorrow, I would do in a heartbeat.
My group leader called this morning to talk about something I emailed her earlier in the week. I don't want to divulge the details because I want to respect the confidentiality of my fellow group members. But it was really great to talk to her and have her basically tell me things I needed to hear and remind myself of. That I am doing this, I am moving forward, I am not using behaviors. That I am going to be okay. I started crying while talking to her because...I guess because first of all I am so grateful for her and it just warmed my heart to hear how much she cares about me. And then secondly, I just realized how sad I was and it was overwhelming.
Throughout all of this, I am so very grateful for my friend Em. She has been there for me so much this past year, and especially the past few days. I love this girl so much. I swear it's like we should have been sisters. I hate that she lives so far away. She gives me so much strength. I love you Em.
Food is...kind of a struggle right now. And that scares me. In fact, thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. I can't go there right now. Maybe I will write about it later.
I guess that's all I have to say. I am really tired. I'm going to get in bed and read.
And I know that everything will be fine with me, myself, and time.
I have been thinking (and feeling) a lot today. I think I kind of figured out the cause of my sadness. I'm beginning to think it's more depression than it is sadness. I have had little to no motivation over the past week or two. I have piles of dirty laundry in my room that I have given little thought to. I have SO much Christmas shopping to do, yet at the end of the day when I get off work, shopping is the last thing I want to do. I just feel kind of blank, empty, and stale. I cried today and tonight for the first time in a long time. It was the result of a combination of many different feelings and thoughts. I have realized how lonely I am. Aside from my friends from treatment (who are the best friends ever), I have no friends my age. My friends from treatment live 1-2 hours away. And really, I don't have that much desire to go out with people my age. I've never been into drinking, partying, bar hopping...none of that. But I feel like that's what most people my age do. I don't know anyone my age. It sounds stupid, but I don't know how to meet them. Yes, there is always Meetup.com. But again, here's where my lack of motivation comes in. It's pathetic. Why am I SO afraid to be social and have fun with other people? I have tons of social anxiety. I have had it for as long as I can remember. I don't know how to break through that. And also, as much as I love my friends from treatment, I don't want all of my friends to have eating disorders, you know? I know there is so much more to me than that. I also would really love to have a boyfriend. But, that's a different story.
I'm not happy with my living situation. But I can't get out of it until my sister finds another roommate. I am terrified of how long that will take. As scared as I am of moving, if I could move out tomorrow, I would do in a heartbeat.
My group leader called this morning to talk about something I emailed her earlier in the week. I don't want to divulge the details because I want to respect the confidentiality of my fellow group members. But it was really great to talk to her and have her basically tell me things I needed to hear and remind myself of. That I am doing this, I am moving forward, I am not using behaviors. That I am going to be okay. I started crying while talking to her because...I guess because first of all I am so grateful for her and it just warmed my heart to hear how much she cares about me. And then secondly, I just realized how sad I was and it was overwhelming.
Throughout all of this, I am so very grateful for my friend Em. She has been there for me so much this past year, and especially the past few days. I love this girl so much. I swear it's like we should have been sisters. I hate that she lives so far away. She gives me so much strength. I love you Em.
Food is...kind of a struggle right now. And that scares me. In fact, thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. I can't go there right now. Maybe I will write about it later.
I guess that's all I have to say. I am really tired. I'm going to get in bed and read.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
This is what's going on.
Not much. Seriously.
This has been the first week I have gone without therapy/my dietitian since leaving treatment in March. It has gone really well, thank goodness. I have had a lot of feelings and emotions come up, but I feel like I have coped with it pretty well. On Monday I saw my psychiatrist. I told him my concerns about my lack of appetite. He gave me a medication to help give me it back. But, it made me really, really, drowsy and I haven't taken it other than that one time. But I am hungry again, so that's good. He also wants to see me again before the year is over (he usually sees me just once a month). I think he is just kind of concerned about my anxiety and lack of appetite. And he just want to make sure it gets better. I'm okay with that.
My parents informed me this week that my sister doesn't want to live with me anymore. Notice how THEY told me this, not HER. Well, the feeling is mutual. We have lived together for almost 5 years, I just think it's time a to make a change. I have no idea where I am going to move or who I am going to live with. I'm also really concerned about when I move, how I will react to such a big change. I have a history of not dealing well with change. And I am just really worried that it will compromise my recovery. I shed tears over this, that's how bad it scares me.
I've been really sad this week, but I'm not sure why. Maybe it's just one of those things that happens sometimes. It's whatever.
As each week goes on, I fall more and more in love with the family I nanny. They bring such a huge smile to my face, and make me laugh so hard. Gosh I love them.
Not much else going on at the moment. I really need to get moving on my Christmas shopping, but I'm too tired to go at the end of the day. I see my dietitian on Monday, as well as the dentist (ugh). I hate going to the dentist.
Anyway, that's all.
This has been the first week I have gone without therapy/my dietitian since leaving treatment in March. It has gone really well, thank goodness. I have had a lot of feelings and emotions come up, but I feel like I have coped with it pretty well. On Monday I saw my psychiatrist. I told him my concerns about my lack of appetite. He gave me a medication to help give me it back. But, it made me really, really, drowsy and I haven't taken it other than that one time. But I am hungry again, so that's good. He also wants to see me again before the year is over (he usually sees me just once a month). I think he is just kind of concerned about my anxiety and lack of appetite. And he just want to make sure it gets better. I'm okay with that.
My parents informed me this week that my sister doesn't want to live with me anymore. Notice how THEY told me this, not HER. Well, the feeling is mutual. We have lived together for almost 5 years, I just think it's time a to make a change. I have no idea where I am going to move or who I am going to live with. I'm also really concerned about when I move, how I will react to such a big change. I have a history of not dealing well with change. And I am just really worried that it will compromise my recovery. I shed tears over this, that's how bad it scares me.
I've been really sad this week, but I'm not sure why. Maybe it's just one of those things that happens sometimes. It's whatever.
As each week goes on, I fall more and more in love with the family I nanny. They bring such a huge smile to my face, and make me laugh so hard. Gosh I love them.
Not much else going on at the moment. I really need to get moving on my Christmas shopping, but I'm too tired to go at the end of the day. I see my dietitian on Monday, as well as the dentist (ugh). I hate going to the dentist.
Anyway, that's all.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
News story my friend wrote about me
“There is no such thing as a life with an eating disorder, because I was dying each and every day I used behaviors,” says a woman eight months into recovery from an eating disorder.
Holly Weisiger, 23, has been battling bulimia and anorexia for many years and is now in a secure place in her recovery. In February 2011, she entered treatment at Remuda Ranch in Bowling Green, Va.
Multiple factors contribute to Weisiger’s success in recovery, two most important being her treatment team, consisting of a therapist, dietitian, psychiatrist and support group, and her friends and family. Faith also plays has a big role in her recovery, she says, “prayer and worship give me a sense of peace and calmness.”
Registered dietitian Rebecca Bitzer agrees, “A team is essential, meaning you need a nutritionist, therapist and psychiatrist. A support group is very helpful.”
Jennifer Shook, who worked as a behavioral health technician at Remuda Ranch agrees that motivation is important to recovery. However, she says that “immediately, what is most important is stabilizing the patient: nutrition, medication, rest and therapy.”
Long term, Shook says that a change in lifestyle is important to make sure that recovery has a chance to last.
At Remuda Ranch, Weisiger was taught many coping skills for dealing with urges to act in eating disordered behavior but finds that distraction is most effective for her. Many things work as distractions for her, such as reading, watching a movie or talking to friends.
“I have a desire to live. I enjoy everything about life. I have happiness,” Weisiger says about what she has gained from recovery. In addition to happiness, she now has trust, faith and, most importantly, hope for the future.
Motivation to get one’s life back is what Bitzer says is the most important aspect of someone being successful in his or her recovery.
Weisiger knows that using her eating disorder behaviors will prevent her from pursuing her dreams. She says she has a passion for healthcare and spreading awareness of eating disorders.
It is a dream of Weisiger’s to be able to tell people her story in hopes of being inspirational to others who are going through struggles of their own.
Shook says that getting to see patients regain their life is the purpose for doing what she does. “It makes you want to jump for joy with them because you are excited for the good that is coming their way and because you are so proud of them,” she says.
Weisiger has been in treatment two times; once when she was 15 and the second time when she was 22, and these experiences differed vastly. At 15, Weisiger did not have a choice to not go to treatment.
At 22, Weisiger recognized she had hit rock bottom and called the center she was at previously, Remuda Ranch, and coordinated her admittance.
Adjusting to life after treatment at 22 was much different than when Weisiger was an adolescent. Weisiger was living on her own and did not have the constant monitoring of her parents to make sure she was completing her meals.
Because of this lack of structure, Weisiger made sure that she had a schedule to follow every day. Being on her own required Weisiger to gain the trust of her family and treatment team that she is being truthful with them.
Elizabeth Willcox-Weisiger, Holly Weisiger’s mother, says that she is “proudest that she recognizes her lack of self control and admits she needs help.”
Currently, Weisiger is working as a nanny. Having this job has taught her that if she cannot take care of herself, she cannot take care of the three children she is responsible for and have them look up to her.
Weisiger believes that she is doing a good job, making sure to “send them healthy messages and encourage them when they say something negative,” she said.
Recovery is “so much about doing and being things that are non-eating disorder related; getting back to school, back to work, being more engaged in life,” Bitzer says.
Many people have inspired Weisiger to get her health back, but two women stand out above the rest.
Weisiger’s dietitian for two months when she was in treatment at 15 has had a strong influence on her life. She showed her strong belief and care for Weisiger and was not disappointed when she had to return to treatment seven years later; she was proud she was getting the help she needed.
Kathleen MacDonald, who is recovered from an eating disorder, helped talk with Holly through the hardest part of her relapse and encouraged her to go back into treatment. MacDonald inspires and motivates Weisiger each day.
“It is a given you are beautiful because you are alive,” are words of MacDonald that Weisiger makes sure to remember daily.
Weisiger faces daily struggles; “recovery is not a straight path. Slips are expected, but it’s how I pull myself out of these slips that matters,” she says of her struggles.
Bringing up sensitive and tough subjects in therapy is very hard for her, but she pushes through because she knows that if she keeps these thoughts to herself she is only harming herself.
In treatment, the hardest thing that Weisiger dealt with was eating three meals, three snacks and weight-gain supplements each day. Often, doing this made her cry before, during and after meals “because it was going against everything my eating disorder wanted me to do,” she said.
Weisiger’s favorite memories from Remuda Ranch involved equine therapy with her horse, Dude. She felt a very deep connection with him and looked forward to twice-weekly trail rides.
Shook says that working with patients in recovery and seeing them begin to “appreciate the small things in life again and look toward a hopeful future was always a constant reminder to myself to appreciate all that I have.”
Living in recovery and resisting urges to act on her eating disorder feels good and bad. The healthy side of Weisiger tells her to be proud and strong for using healthy coping mechanisms, but the eating disorder side of her tells her that she is weak and that she will become fat and lose control.
“I am able to differentiate between my healthy voice and the voice of my eating disorder. These days I resist the urges about 95 percent more than before recovery,” Weisiger said.
Earlier in recovery, it was nearly impossible for Weisiger to recognize and celebrate her successes and accomplishments. She said she was afraid of not knowing who she was without her eating disorder, but now she is able to acknowledge how far she has come in her recovery in the past eight months.
Weisiger was in a “living hell” when she was using her eating disorder, she said. Concentrating, thinking clearly and even walking short distances were extremely difficult for her.
Shook says that the hardest thing she deals with when treating patients with eating disorders “is the hopelessness the patient feels. It can be so hard knowing you cannot convince someone that there is a light at the end of the tunnel when they cannot conceive of such a thing in the moment.”
The cycle of bingeing and purging that Weisiger engaged in caused her to live in seclusion to avoid being judged by people. She lived with a strained relationship with her family, no friends, no sleep and a severe depression.
“I lost a job once because I was barely eating at the time and wasn’t able to keep up at work,” Weisiger said.
Weisiger said, “I think the only thing standing in the way of my recovery…is myself.” She knows that if she gives up hope or doesn’t believe in herself, the eating disorder will win, so she strives to make the right choices and care for herself.
Willcox-Weisiger said she hopes for the day when Weisiger will be able to not identify herself as having an eating disorder. She hopes for the day when Weisiger will feel “more confident about herself and who she really is.”
Many people suffering from eating disorders have similarities. Often, depression is tied in with an eating disorder.
“Perfectionism; extremes of thinking, black and white, all or nothing; ambivalence to treatment, wanting to get better but not wanting to give up the perceived safety of an eating disorder” are patterns that Bitzer notices in the patients she treats.
Weisiger says with assurance that the best thing she has gained from recovery is hope. “I have hope for life; I’ve never been able to say that for myself before. It sure feels awesome!”
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Amazing.
Forgive me if I don't go into much detail in this post. Today was a very important, meaningful, as well as exhausting day. So I am very tired and as soon as I finish this post, I am going up to bed. And it's only 8pm.
Today I went with my therapist to the school where my trauma took place. I didnt sleep well at all last night. because I was so nervous, and in so much pain. I think I have a pinched nerve in my back. So I woke up this morning for therapy and I wasnt as nervous as I thought. So, as we drove up to the school, I kind of stopped breathing. It was...crazy. It looked pretty much the same. Then we started walking the grounds. And the first place we walked was to the side of the building where the rooms were that it happened. That was kind of a scary moment. My therapist peeked in the windows, while I just sort of looked around. And then I looked in the windows. And I saw the staircase that I used to go down to the basement where it happened. And it looked the same. Dark and dreary. And I had to step away at that point. That was really...intense. All the memories came flooding back. So then we walked around to where the art building and music building was, and the back yard (the school is an old mansion that was turned into a school. So it's not a typical looking school). And that was cool to reflect on like the good memories and things I had forgotten about. And then we walked back to the part of the building where the abuse took place. We sat down and I read out loud the letters I had written. I wrote one to my abuser, and one to my 11 year old self. That was hard. I had to stop and take deep breaths a couple of times. And, I just thought I was going to take the letters back with me. But my therapist was like, well why dont you rip them up and throw them in the dumpster (which was right near where we were sitting). And I hadn't thought of that... and honestly it made me a little bit sad. I felt like if I did that, then I was like...losing the parts of myself that had conquered my past and grown from it. I know that sounds strange. But then I thought, well I want to let go of the shame, guilt, and regret. And this would be appropriate. So I ripped them up and threw them in the dumpster. After I did that, I looked down on the ground...and there was a heart shaped rock. And I of course picked it up and took it with me. You know it's weird. I thought I was going to be like a super mess and overwhelmed. And in between jobs today I did sit in my car and cried for a while. I think it was just relief that I felt. Now I feel...tired, and proud.
So that was my day. I officially made the decision to cut back on therapy, and I am confident in my decision. So I won't be seeing my therapist until two weeks from now. I of course can email/call/text her if I need to. I see my dietitian tomorrow and that should go well. Things have been a little difficult with food lately, but nothing horrible. I am sure I will get back on track.
Today marks 8 months in recovery. I honestly have never felt better and as hopeful as I do now. It's amazing. Recovery is amazing. I am so proud of all the super hard work I have done, and am still doing. I never thought recovery was something I could do, or even deserved. But now I believe in myself and recovery. It just seems to keep getting better. Never imagined that!
Well, I am off to bed. Thank God tomorrow is Friday! My family and I are going to cut down a Christmas tree this weekend! I love Christmas time!
Today I went with my therapist to the school where my trauma took place. I didnt sleep well at all last night. because I was so nervous, and in so much pain. I think I have a pinched nerve in my back. So I woke up this morning for therapy and I wasnt as nervous as I thought. So, as we drove up to the school, I kind of stopped breathing. It was...crazy. It looked pretty much the same. Then we started walking the grounds. And the first place we walked was to the side of the building where the rooms were that it happened. That was kind of a scary moment. My therapist peeked in the windows, while I just sort of looked around. And then I looked in the windows. And I saw the staircase that I used to go down to the basement where it happened. And it looked the same. Dark and dreary. And I had to step away at that point. That was really...intense. All the memories came flooding back. So then we walked around to where the art building and music building was, and the back yard (the school is an old mansion that was turned into a school. So it's not a typical looking school). And that was cool to reflect on like the good memories and things I had forgotten about. And then we walked back to the part of the building where the abuse took place. We sat down and I read out loud the letters I had written. I wrote one to my abuser, and one to my 11 year old self. That was hard. I had to stop and take deep breaths a couple of times. And, I just thought I was going to take the letters back with me. But my therapist was like, well why dont you rip them up and throw them in the dumpster (which was right near where we were sitting). And I hadn't thought of that... and honestly it made me a little bit sad. I felt like if I did that, then I was like...losing the parts of myself that had conquered my past and grown from it. I know that sounds strange. But then I thought, well I want to let go of the shame, guilt, and regret. And this would be appropriate. So I ripped them up and threw them in the dumpster. After I did that, I looked down on the ground...and there was a heart shaped rock. And I of course picked it up and took it with me. You know it's weird. I thought I was going to be like a super mess and overwhelmed. And in between jobs today I did sit in my car and cried for a while. I think it was just relief that I felt. Now I feel...tired, and proud.
So that was my day. I officially made the decision to cut back on therapy, and I am confident in my decision. So I won't be seeing my therapist until two weeks from now. I of course can email/call/text her if I need to. I see my dietitian tomorrow and that should go well. Things have been a little difficult with food lately, but nothing horrible. I am sure I will get back on track.
Today marks 8 months in recovery. I honestly have never felt better and as hopeful as I do now. It's amazing. Recovery is amazing. I am so proud of all the super hard work I have done, and am still doing. I never thought recovery was something I could do, or even deserved. But now I believe in myself and recovery. It just seems to keep getting better. Never imagined that!
Well, I am off to bed. Thank God tomorrow is Friday! My family and I are going to cut down a Christmas tree this weekend! I love Christmas time!
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