anger

I haven't felt much anger about the abuse, but I am slowly beginning to. Today has been an angry day. Forgive the curse words.

WHY THE FUCK DID HE DO THAT TO ME? I am so MAD that he did those things to me. That he deliberately and violently abused my 11 year old self. He is the reason that i have nightmares, flashbacks, body memories, panic attacks, severe anxiety, etc. Fuck him. What did I do to deserve that? I am so mad at him. I hate him for what he did to me. I had so much potential at 11, and I feel it was all taken away. He took something from me I didn't even know that I had. ( from an Ani DiFranco song). He caused me to not feel safe, that's not on me, that's on him. And he fucking got away with it. I am so pissed.

gotta have faith

I'm exhausted. Just...in general. I am fully realizing the extent of what happened to me when I was 11. I still have a hard time owning it though. Like...saying out loud..."I was sexually abused". I can't do that yet. I'm beginning to think the EMDR might not be such a bad idea. But I want to know more about it. I guess I knew all along I had PTSD, but when my therapist said it to me on Wednesday...it hit hard. It's scary. It really is. That's all I feel up to writing about that stuff right now.

ED stuff isn't going too well. I have purged twice in the past week. I'm on day 4 of no purging though. I continue to struggle with eating throughout the day, and then bingeing at night. At night...I think about food constantly. This is something i have struggled with since middle school. It's such a nightmare. My dietitian has always told me the solution to the night bingeing would be to eat all of my meals. That's so hard to do right now, even though I know I need to do it. I think about purging every single time I eat something. I have been fighting the urges for 4 days now. I just need to keep it up.

And, I miss my best friend Jen. I have no idea where she is or how she is. I miss her terribly, and I need her.

currently

Currently Wearing:
khaki shorts and blue polo

Currently Eating:
zone bar and drinking water

Currently Wanting:
a hug

Currently listening to:
seek up - dave matthews band

Currently Angry about:
having to go to work. i just don't like my job at all. it's irritating

Currently worried about:
god, everything? well to be specific, my mom's surgery, screwing up at work, having a panic attack, having flashbacks

Currently obsessed with:
ultimate frisbee

Currently working on:
positive self talk. distractions. breathing exercises.

Currently thinking about:
how good my hair smells.
how much i want/need to talk to my therapist. even though i just saw her yesterday.
how i want to see my dietitian

emdr

I have no trouble writing about my struggles with depression, anxiety, and my eating disorder on here, or anywhere for that matter. yeah it's difficult, but it's an outlet and makes me look at everything in a different way and it helps me to write about it.

but when it comes to my trauma...i can't do it. i cannot write about it. mainly because i do not want to think about it or remember it. maybe this is normal. i even have the hardest time in therapy talking about it. today we talked about it and i just wanted to scream and cry and curl into a ball, and i briefly dissociated.

i know i have to talk about it to move on and heal. but i just want to lock it away like i did for so many years.

it's the hardest and scariest thing i've ever done.

My therapist mentioned EMDR in therapy yesterday. I don't know much about it. I read up on it a little bit, it's kind of scary sounding, but apparently it works really well with trauma. My therapist said it's just something to think about it, we don't have to do it.

Anyway, I have work today, but before that I think I am going to go watch a little bit of a dive meet. And then, tonight my aunt is coming into town to help with my mom's surgery tomorrow.

stolen from Shelly

1 My earliest memory is ...
preschool stuff.

2 My school report usually said ...
behavior issues. great at reading.

3 When I was a child I wanted to work for ...
well, I wanted to be an olympic gymnast

4 My worst job ever was ...
gatekeeping at my pool. so incredibly boring.

5 My first romance ...
I have to say I have never really had one.

6 My most treasured possession is ...
my diving medals. I worked so hard for those.
and my body, for allowing me to do the things I want/need to do.

7 My mother always told me ...
to mind my manners.

8 I've never been any good at ...
school

9 If my life were made into a movie I'd be played by ...
Anna Chulumsky

10 I wish I had ...
less anxiety and more confidence

11 I wish I hadn't ...
slacked off so much in high school

12 My guiltiest pleasure is ...
gossip magazines

13 My best trait is ...
my ability to feel what others are feeling and to empathize.

14 My worst trait is ...
worrying over every single thing in life.

15 The book that changed my life was ...
Prozac Nation. I no longer felt I was the only one that felt those things.

16 It's not fashionable but I love ...
pajama pants

17 If I could live anywhere I'd choose ...
somewhere in the Caribbean

18 I'm happiest when ...
I'm at the beach or with my dogs.

19 My #1 all-time celebrity crush is ...
Kate Bosworth

20 My #1 all-time favourite movie is ...
Breakfast Club

21 I really dislike ...
waking up early or to an alarm

22 I often wonder ...
what my kids will be like

the list

My therapist instructed me to make a list of things to do or go when I am feeling super anxious, depressed, or triggered. Here it is:

1. play with my dogs
2. watch Golden Girls
3. watch a movie
4. take a walk or run
5. go to the river
6. text or call my therapist (if things get too out of hand)
7. sit on my screen porch and read
8. listen to music
9. take a shower or bubble bath
10. blog or journal
11. clean
12. go to the library
13. go window shopping
14. go out with a friend
15. go driving
16. look at pictures of sunsets
17. deep breathing
18. screaming
19. dancing around
20. go to my parent's house
21. go to my safe place
22. use grounding skills (say out loud the things i see around me, count, etc)
23. volunteer at the SPCA

that's all i can think of for now.
now i just have to use them!

updates.

So I played ultimate frisbee on Sunday. It was a lot of fun! Even though I really didn't know what I was doing half the time, and it was hot as hell, I really enjoyed myself. My team is undefeated, so that's pretty cool. :) We play again tomorrow night. I am really looking forward to it. My whole body is sore from the back and forth of running, but it feels so good to be moving again. The people on my team are all really nice. They helped explain the rules and techniques of the game. I almost had an interception too! If only I was a couple inches taller! I was so worried about looking like a complete idiot, and there were times when I felt like one. But for the most part I felt okay. And I know Wednesday I won't feel as awkward.

I went out last night with some friends from work. We went to Champs for dinner and then to a bar afterwards. I got a little tipsy, but nothing out of control. At dinner I saw my tutor/second mom from middle and high school. It was so good to see her and briefly catch up. We are going to get together sometime next week. I'm really looking forward to it. We haven't had an in depth convo since last summer, and SO much has gone on since then. She was such a huge source of support and comfort during middle and high school. I wish I got to see her more.

Things with the depression/anxiety/suicidal thoughts are pretty much the same, maybe a little better. I think the hospital is definitely a no go now. Which I am relieved about, I really didn't want to go. I mean I would have gone if it was absolutely necessary, but I don't think it is anymore. Instead I am having this new issue of cycling. I reach these really really low points where things get scary, and then I come back up. This happens all throughout the day. I emailed my psychiatrist about it and he said to just give the Abilify some more time.
*rolls eyes* Once again, I hate that medicine has to be the answer to everything.

I had a cry fest on the phone with my therapist yesterday after a panic attack. She is trying really really hard to get me to distract myself from the anxiety and depression, by doing positive self talk and just having a change of scenery. She wants me to make a list of things to do when the anxiety gets unbearable. I should do that today, maybe I will post it on my blog. I got really emotional on the phone when my therapist told me that I was NOT bothering her, that I wasn't being annoying. I started crying and said, "But I'm so scared that you are going to get mad at me and tell me to go away" She responded by saying it's her job to help me, to be there for me. And that she WANTS to be there for me, she wants me to bother her, haha. That made me feel better. It's so hard though, because I have had people in the past tell me I am a bother and abandon me.

I'm really bored. This is an issue. Yes, I have my job, I have ultimate frisbee twice a week, but I need something else. I think I need to shoot an email to the local animal shelter. I volunteered there once before helping walk the dogs and playing with them, and I absolutely loved it. So maybe I will do that today.

That's really all I have for now...

Frisbee

I'm going to try and make this post about things going on in my life other than the ED, depression, etc. Forgive me if I wander off to those subjects.

Last week I joined an ultimate frisbee league. Tonight is my first game. I do not know much about ultimate frisbee, and have not thrown a frisbee in years. But I love sports, I love athletics, I love being active so I'm hoping it will come easily to me. The park where the games are played are out by the airport, which is about a 30 minute drive from where I live. My gas guzzler Jeep will not do well with this. Also, it is 100 degrees here today, so this should be interesting. I am not sure how much playing I am going to be doing, since I have never played this game before. But it will be interesting, none-the-less. My team is Olive Green, the only green shirts I have are neon green. I hope that's okay that I am wearing it.
Even though I have a lengthy background in athletics, I am scared I will look stupid at this new sport, that I will screw up, and cost my team a game. I don't want to look like an idiot. I am very competitive and when it comes to sports, I have to be perfect. So if I screw up, I will be really hard on myself.

Work is ok. Actually, back track. I kind of hate my job. I know I will not have to stay at this job forever, but really...it sucks. I hate it. I've been there a month, and I still feel like I am learning. And I am still massively scared of screwing up. Hm, that seems to be a huge fear of mine doesn't it? Screwing up. I just want people to like me and not be mad at me. I hate when people are mad at me.

I am thinking of taking my CMA test again. That's the test to become a certified medical assitant. I still have my study book. I really want to get back to working in the healthcare field. It's my passion, it's what my degree is in. It's what I REALLY want to do.

Anyway...that's all that's going on now. Except for the crisis that is the depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts. But...whatever.

no hospital, yet.

I had therapy today. I told her how deeply depressed I was, how I was off/on suicidal. She asked me on a scale of 1-10 how much I wanted to die. I told her a 4. She said if it got to 7 I need to go to the hospital. I thought I would feel better after therapy but I didn't. I decided I shouldn't be alone the rest of the day. So I hung out with my mom and little sister. As the day went on I continued to feel worse and worse. At one point I seriously considered going home, cutting up my wrists, and downing my bottle of Seroquel. I emailed my therapist first. 5 minutes later she called me, sounding really concerned. She said, "this is really bad isn't it?" I said yes as I fought tears. She asked me what I wanted to do. I said, "I don't want to go to the hospital because of the money and all the extra stress it will cause for everyone". She and I made a plan for me to spend the weekend at my parent's house to get my meds stabalized and to not be alone. I told her I didn't want my mom to worry and I didn't want to bother my parents. She asked to speak to my mom to let her know what was going on. I allowed it. My therapist made me promise to call her if things got any worse, before I did anything, or if I wanted to cut. I promised her I would, and I will.

I have not felt this low in years. There was a point today where, not only did I want to die, but I felt like I was going to die. I haven't felt like that since junior year of high school when I was in the psych hospital.

If things do not get better, I do not think I can remain safe, and therefore the hospital would be necessary.

I'm pretty scared. I am so depressed.

I'm not scared anymore, I'm terrified.

This is not good.

depression

I've been hesitating to post. I am pretty embarrassed with how much I'm struggling. I don't even know why I am having such a hard time with depression. But I am. It all started last Friday. I guess I had a pretty intense therapy session, and it just triggered depression and a lot of self-harm thoughts and urges in me. I wrote about how hopeless I have been and still am. One one hand I want to die...I do. I want to just end the anxiety, the pain, and the torture. But on the other hand, I know deep in my heart somewhere there is some hope, and that I have felt better than this before, so I know it's possible again, right? I don't know if I am suicidal or not. That sounds crazy I know. But I can't figure it out. I definitely was the other night. Does anyone, like me, get annoyed and frustrated with having to rely on medication to make anxiety or depression better? I know it's a great thing, but I often wonder if that's really the solution to my problems. Besides, meds scare me, always have. I take them, but very reluctantly.

So, I don't want to live the way I am living anymore. I know the strong and right thing to do is to fight, but honestly I am tired of doing that too. Some would argue that I'm not even fighting to begin with, but I think I am. I fight my urges, I fight my thoughts. I go to therapy, I take my meds, I do my breathing exercises, I have a job, etc. Maybe I'm not perfect at all of these things, but at least I am doing them. And who does it perfectly anyway? People keep telling me..."you can and will recover from your eating disorder. you will heal from the sexual abuse, it will get better. These things just take time" I always want to respond with..."how much time?" Okay, so I know I have only just begun to work on the abuse, it's only been about 7 months that I've been working on that in therapy. But with everything else, the eating disorder, the anxiety...that's been going on for years. I don't blame my current or previous therapists. If anyone, I blame myself for not being at a good spot in recovery at this point. Maybe I am not fighting hard enough, trying hard enough. Maybe I don't want it. I'm not completely sure. I do know that it scares me to recover from all of my issues. They have been my identity for years now, without them...who am I? Everyone will leave me. I will be alone.

I am constantly terrified that my therapist is mad at me or annoyed at me. She swears she isn't. But sometimes I wonder...she must be. I have annoyed school counselors and therapists in the past, how come she hasn't yelled at me yet or left me? I was abandoned by a school counselor before, and yelled at many times. Okay, so maybe I deserved to be yelled at a few times. But my therapist right now trusts me, I think. She seems to. I don't know how I deserve such a good therapist. She's really amazing.

I realize this post has been all over the place, but that's kind of how I am right now.

Today is my little sister's 18th birthday. I can't believe how old me and my sisters are getting. My big sister turns 26 in a couple of weeks, and I turn 22 in a month.

Anyway. Whoever read all of this deserves a medal. I know it wasn't that much fun or exciting to read.

Sometimes I feel like I'm falling
Fall back again, fall back again,
Fall back again, fall back again
Oh, life it seems a struggle between
What we think what we see
I'm not going to change my ways
Just to please you or appease you
Inside a crowd, five billion proud
Willing to punch it out
Right, wrong, weak, strong
Ashes to ashes all fall down
Look around about this round
About this merry-go-round around
If at all God's gaze upon us fall
His mischievous grin, look at him

anxious as hell

My anxiety might kill me. I'm sick of relying on medications for it to get better. Breathing techniques that don't always work. Visualizations that are hard to do. Taking walks that make it go away temporarily. What is it going to take? I'm afraid I will end up in the hospital because of this. I'm sick of talking about it. What good does it do anymore? I don't know why it's been so bad lately, but it sucks. I am literally sick of it. I am nauseous.

Favorite songs right now:

Small blue thing - Suzanne Vega
Landslide - Cover by Tori Amos
You lost me - Christina Aguilera
After All - Dar Williams
I wanna live - Josh Gracin
Need you now - Lady Antebellum

sleep issues.

I've never been much of a sleep walker but last night I did the weirdest and scariest thing. I keep my Trazodone (sleeping medicine) by my bed, for obvious reasons. When I woke up this morning, the half full bottle was completely gone. I knew that I had not taken them all because I wouldn't have been awake or even possibly alive. I looked on the floor and in my bed and could not find the pills anywhere. So I gave up and decided to get ready to go to the pool. When I went to go take a sip of my Gatorade, I gagged. Somehow ( I don't remember this) I must have dumped the bottle of my pills into my Gatorade bottle in my sleep. It's funny, but scares me more because I could have easily swallowed all of these pills without realizing it, and be in the hospital or in the morgue right now. It's ironic because...Friday night when I was suicidal, I looked at that exact same bottle and thought about emptying it into my mouth. I wonder if somehow in my sleep I wanted to do it. I don't know...just throwing that possibility out there. I keep wondering if I should tell my psychiatrist or therapist about this. I see my therapist Friday, but wonder if I should tell her now? I don't know. It has kind of scared me. And now I am all out of sleeping pills and can't call a refill in because it's not time yet. I don't know how to explain this to my pharmacy. They might think I'm a drug addict, which I'm not.

I fell down my wooden stairs this morning and nearly broke my neck. I banged up my arm pretty good and have this lovely scrape and bruise. It hurts to type. And then I layed out by the pool for a couple hours and got pretty sun burned. And my anxiety has been driving me nuts today. I have been getting more anxious about work lately, I'm not sure why. I feel like at this point I should be pretty comfortable at work. But I still feel like I'm learning, I don't know if that's okay or now. I've been there a little over a month.

Went to the grocery store today, and I wasn't as obsessive as I have been. So, that's progress I suppose.

I continue to look for hope.

hopeless

I had the worst night last night. I was pretty much suicidal.I came home after work and had one of the worst panic attacks/breakdowns of my life. I was hyperventilating so bad I almost passed out, and was crying so hard I could not see. I'm not exactly sure what triggered it but I think it was a combo of what I talked about in therapy yesterday and being really exhausted from work. I'm pretty sure I would have done something to harm myself if it wasn't for Sarah. Thank you for being such an amazing friend girl. I also texted my therapist (this all happened at 11pm last night) and she helped calm me down as well and told me to "please fight". I'm glad I did. I am feeling somewhat better this morning. I knew that if I just slept on it all that I would feel at least a little better when I woke up. I was right. Although, now I have to go to work for 7 hours. So, I will come home even more exhausted. Ugh. And then I have my cousin's graduation party later today, so I really can't sleep the rest of the day away. At least I have tomorrow off work, thank god.

I need some hope.

go away Ed

Therapy was good. We touched on the abuse, but not too much. We mostly talked about nightmares I've been having and how I feel about the abuse and my abuser now, as compared to a while ago. Things have changed. She says I'm making progress. That's hard to hear, because I don't really see it. Not all the way at least.

I got really emotional at the end of the session, didn't break down completely, but there were tears. I told her how I felt completely hopeless about my life. How I am so sick of depression, anxiety, the abuse, wanting to cut, purging, starving, etc. How I feel like I will never get rid of it all. "I just want to feel better" is what I said. I want some peace. I have been in therapy for so many years and I am completely 100% sick of what my life has been and become. But at the same time, I am scared of getting better, of my future. So, I think that's what holds me back a lot of the time, unfortunately. I have really been struggling with all of this lately. Just breaking down sobbing at the thought of who I am and what I struggle with on a daily basis. It makes me cry now writing it. So, I am going to stop writing about it because...I am sick of crying too.

I also saw my psychiatrist this morning. We talked about my issues surrounding needing to please people and the constant fear of disappointing people. I talked about that in therapy too.

ED is really loud right now. I mean really loud. I am on day 4 of no purging, but god, the urges are so very strong. I know it's good I am ignoring them and coping in a healthy way, but...it is so damn hard. Just crying on the bathroom floor trying so hard to just breathe through it and resist it. That's a little dramatic isn't it? Well, whatever it takes. I am a strong person, not as a strong as I like, and right now these urges are really, really testing my strength. It might break me. I continue to struggle with restricting, I wish I wasn't because it is so horrendous. I have no energy. I get hungry, and then I lose my appetite in a matter of seconds. It's hell on earth. I would never wish an eating disorder on anyone, and for all you that want an eating disorder, you are wrong. It's such torture. And sometimes it becomes more than you can handle. Night bingeing continues to be a struggle as well. I have struggled with that for years and god I wish it would just go away. I'm not exactly sure why I do it but it needs to stop. It makes me feel so gross too.

I want to take a nap so bad right now. You have no idea. But I leave for work in a half hour. Work from 3-10. And then I work tomorrow morning 8am-3pm. Kill me. It might.

I am SO going to the pool on Sunday. Getting my tan on and swimming and maybe throwing on that one piece and doing some diving. It makes my heart happy thinking about diving...change that maybe to a definitely.

That's all for now.

day 3

So my therapist doesn't hate me. I thought she did after I texted her saying I had purge I knew that in the back of my head, that she didnt hate me. I think I was putting the hatred I felt at myself on her. I know she was dissapointed though. She has every right to be. We work so hard in therapy on healthy self-talk and coping skills. And I just threw them out the window that night. But I am on day 3 of no purging, so it's back to the beginning.

I can do this.

I mentioned in a post earlier about how much music affects me and helps me. I am always discovering new music. My favorites lately are Tori Amos, Dar Williams, Suzanne Vega, and Lady Antebellum. I discovered Tori Amos's cover of "Landslide" yesterday and oh my gosh, I am in love. It's my favorite all time song. I love Fleetwood Mac's version and Dixie Chick's, but this is my new favorite.

I work the next 4 days. Off Sunday, work Monday, off Tuesday, Repeat. I can do this. I just have to take it one shift at a time, not think ahead to the next day, try and get plenty of rest, and just breathe. That's my new motto, Just Breathe. I need a tattoo of it or something.

Writing on this blog has been so therapeutic. And I am thankful for the people that offer me support. My life lately has been full of stressors, but I hope to be in some sort of state of peace soon. But knowing what I am about to work on in therapy, that won't be the case anytime soon. Maybe I need to write more positive and uplifting stuff.

Anyway, time to get ready for work.

and i wonder if i ever cross your mind

Grief. Missing someone. So many people have come in and out of my life, some for the good, some for the bad. But the person that's been on my mind the most lately is my old therapist. I saw her for 5 years and we had an incredible immeshed relationship. I was attached to her, not how you should be attached. A week without her was like hell for me. I got to know her outside of therapy. I knew her husband, her kids, etc. I know that's not right and she became so much more than a therapist to me. She was like a second mom. I loved her. I was incredibly attached to her. Now, 7 months without her and with a new wonderfully amazing therapist, I am finally able to begin to let go of her. It's hard. She was there through so much. And I always said I could never live without her. Well now I know I can. Now, this doesn't mean I don't miss her. I will always miss her. She is an amzing person, an amazing therapist, a role model. But I left her because she was no longer the right therapist for me. And I think I was so unhealthy with her. Just in the way that I needed her SO much. I wish there was some way I could just have a cup of coffee with her and just chat. I miss that. Maybe that can happen, but I don't think right now is the right time. I have begun to trust my new therapist, and have formed a relationship with her...a healthy one. I have been working on things with her that I never would have been able to with my old therapist. It took me a long time to be vulnerable with my new therapist, and I still have not opened up emotionally all the way. But I know I will. It pains me to write this, but I feel a sense of peace as well. I have been so held down and burdended by the pain of missing her and contemplating going back to her. I need to be sober from her. That sounds strange maybe, but it makes sense to me. I still get emotional talk about her. Just thinking of how amazing she was to me. But I will take that with me. I will take with me what she taught me, what she gave me. That I can never lose.

So, I need to let go. I love you JB, always will. You will always be in my heart. But I need to let the burden of you go. I know that's what you would want too, you would want me to be free from pain. Love Holly

stuff

So therapy on Friday wasn't bad at all. We talked about a bunch of random stuff, no talk of the abuse, until the end when my therapist said, "so do you want to talk about abuse stuff next week?" My response was...maybe. But now my answer is yes, I think I will give it a try. I know it's going to be hard as hell. I wrote her an email about how scared I was, she said we will talk about it. I seriously have the most amazing therapist. I am still taking walks to to calm my anxiety and fight off urges to purge. But I continue to struggle with restricting and bingeing at night. I think I am going to read "Goodbye ED, Hello Me" again.

I have been working so much lately. I am so exhausted. I think that's why I've been crying more. My brain is just on overload. And work is stressful. Working in the food industry is stressful, especially when you have an ED and you are surrounded by food all the time. I am still struggling with recovery, and having motivation or believing in myself. I don't know how to get past that? Oh, and i have been thinking about food constantly...does anyone else struggle with that? Just fantasizing about eating all these different foods? It drives me crazy.

Music has really been a second source of therapy for me lately. I have a playlist that is full of all different kinds of songs and it's just so helpful, in times of stress and sadness.

I work today and then have the next 2 days off. One of those days i am going with my mom to North Carolina to visit my great aunt who is pretty sick. I don't know how I'm going to emotionally handle that, since I feel so fragile right now.

Found this quote that other day...
"The thing about addiction is, it never ends well. Because eventually, whatever it is that was getting us high… stops feeling good, and starts to hurt. Still, they say you don’t kick the habit until you hit rock bottom. But how do you know when you’re there? Because no matter how badly a thing is hurting us, sometimes, letting it go hurts even worse."

no energy

I don't know if it's the heat and humidity, depression, or what...but I have absolutely no energy. I hate it. I wake up and I'm exhausted. I leave for work in a half hour and I'm sitting here thinking to myself, "how in the world am I going to make it to 10pm?" I just want to fall back asleep. And if I went and sat on my couch right now, I guarantee you I would be out in 5 minutes. So, that's really annoying. Caffiene doesn't seem to help this at all. Neither does Gatorade or energy drinks. Blah.

I have therapy tomorrow. I'm a little scared to be honest. I always get anxious for therapy, but scared...not really. I'm scared because of the abuse stuff being brought up. I'm scared of dealing with it. Of dealing with the pain, the memories, the flashbacks, the body memories, PTSD symptoms, nightmares, and more anxiety and fear. My therapist knows how difficult it is for me and how nervous about it I am, but I think I need to share with her my intense fear. And how reluctant I am to deal with it. I am all about being honest, I really am. So I will definitely share my concerns with her.

ED continues to be in my life, of course. I got so very close to purging the other night. I was standing over the toilet and everything...but decided to walk away. That's kind of a first for me. I stopped because I thought about how my therapist would react. Not that she would be mad, I've never seen her mad, but because I didn't want her to be concerned and dissapointed. I am struggling a ton with loss of appetite though. It's annoying. Because I will get hungry but as soon as I walk into the kitchen or go somewhere to get food, my hunger goes away, and anxiety takes over. Is this just anxiety or the ED? Or is it both? It's hard for me to differentiate the two. I saw my weight the other day. It dropped a couple pounds since I was last weight at the doctor's a few weeks ago. A couple pounds really is nothing to be concerned about right? Well maybe not to me...to me it's actually good. But I know if my therapist knew (and I will tell her) she would be concerned. But I think the weight loss is to be expected honestly. Oh well. I wish I could see Trish (my dietitian) but there is no way I could afford her and I doubt I really even "need" to see her.

The Greek Food Festival is this weekend and I am excited beyond words! I love Greek food! Last year I was unable to eat any of it because I had just had my wisdom teeth removed. This year, I hope, that I will be able to eat and enjoy it.

I can't wait until I get to go to the pool, and just lay out in the sunshine and swim in the cool, refreshing water, and then exchange my bikini for my one piece and get back on the diving board. Oh how I've missed diving. I think it will be good for my heart and soul to start doing it again.

Anyway....off to work ago. let's hope I survive.

I will update after therapy tomorrow.

recovery

Recovery from an eating disorder, it's so hard. I don't know how people ever completely recover. it seems impossible, for me at least. I've been struggling with this disease since I was 14 years old, I'm 21 now. I've been through 4 1/2 months of residential treatment. The year after I got out of Remuda was my best year in recovery. The past two years have actually been my worst. 8 months ago I was at my lowest weight ever (not going to say what it was). I was struggling alot with restricting, and some purging. I'm at a "healthy" weight now, even though to me it is overwieght. Now I have started to fall back into the behaviors of restricting. It's been 2 weeks since I last purged, but the urges are there everyday. I know it is good that I am fighting the urges, but it is so hard. I am finally seeing a therapist that deals with eating disorders, for 5 years I wasn't. SO I finally feel like i am getting the therapy for my ED that i need. But I know people, my best friends being one of them, who are solid in their recovery and eating what they want and feeling okay about it, and not using behaviors...and I say to myself "i wish that was me". i know it us ultimately up to me to become like that...but I either don't have the motivation to do it, or I don't believe it can happen for me. I want to not purge, to not be scared of feeling full, to not take 2 hours to go grocery shopping because I am so obsessive about it, I don't want to be obsessed with being underweight and thin, and I don't want to be tortured by thoughts anymore. But what if I cannot do it? I mean do I have to accept I will be this way forever? I don't want to be.