lame

Last night was just...weird. I went out with my friend, and we went to this friend of hers house. There were two other guys there. We were there from 7pm last night until 7am this morning. Everyone but me got drunk basically. I wanted to get drunk, but was scared to around guys I didn't know. This guy poured his heart out to me and then asked me if I wanted to sleep with him. Um..NO. Like seriously, I know not all guys are like that, but it seems like every guy I am around lately is a complete creeper. I was very uncomfortable and even a little scared and worried that something was going to happen. I hate that I am so affected by things from my past, and that things affect me so much now. So, I didn't get a wink of sleep last night. I fell asleep at 8am and woke up at 1pm. Thank god I have work off tomorrow. I'm lonely...and I want to be held. Yet I don't want to be touched at all. And I get this sense my therapist is mad at me. I don't know. :/

Fear

I had therapy today. The first half of the session went really well. We talked about all sorts of different things. And then we talked about my anxiety and ways that I can lower it and make it better, without hurting myself to make it better (so hard!) And then we touched a little bit on the abuse. She said we could talk about it for 10 minutes to see how it went. I did not like it at all. It was very hard and very scary and my eyes started filling with tears, although I didn't actually cry. I stopped myself, I hate that I do that. I told her I didn't like it and didn't really want to talk about it anymore, but that I was scared of it going away and not being able to bring it back up again. But that doing that would be so much easier. After all, I kept it locked away for 9 years. She said we could try talking about it again next week, or not...depending on how I felt about it. And that she wouldn't let me hide it away again. And that if I wanted her to, I could let her know that I needed her to push me about it, gently of course.

So, now I'm feeling kind of shaky and teary. I don't want to cry though. I just want to feel normal. It's funny how for so much of my life I wasn't able to cry and was always longing to cry, and now that I can and do, I don't want to...I hate it...most of the time.

I'm not sure how I feel about talking about the abuse again. On one hand, I want to...I want to heal and I want to get it over with, and I want to stop ignoring it. But on the other hand, I want desperately to forget about it, and it absolutely terrifies me to talk about it, even in therapy where I'm safe. But I have been so triggered by certain things lately and it's all on the surface again. And that horrible fear is back. I hate it. I need to start working on getting rid of that, or at least making it better and more tolerable.

Work last night was crazy, I got cussed at by a customer (what a douche) and it was crazy busy. I was so exhausted by the end of the night. I had the day off today and I work tomorrow 8am-3pm. Not looking forward to that at all.

*sigh* I feel as though so much is going on. I want/need therapy everyday.

I started tearing up a little bit in our session today because she was being so nice and so supportive and understanding and I kept thinking..."gosh she is so great, how do i deserve this? I don't feel I deserve this" I didn't say that to her...maybe I should. I don't know.

Well off to play with the puppies!

Anxiety

Looking back to when I was in elementary school and since then, I realize I have always struggled with anxiety. I was put on Prozac when I was in 3rd grade. I never realized that what I was struggling with was anxiety until I was admitted to Remuda Ranch at age 15 and they put me on all these anti anxiety meds and told me that anxiety was a problem for me. I used to think there was something wrong with my heart, why did it beat so fast and what was that sinking feeling in my stomach? I now know it was all anxiety. Ever since REALIZING my anxiety, it seems to be worse. Does that make sense? While at Remuda I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Agoraphobia. I've been put on tons and tons of anxiety meds. Basically all of them. And some of them worked, but then stopped working. This past November, I was diagnosed with Panic Disorder, which has been really awful. Panic attacks, if you haven't had them before, are really miserable and scary. I realize that medications are not the answer to solving my anxiety. And I don't believe my anxiety will ever fully go away, but it HAS to get better. It has to. At best, my anxiety feels like a million butterflies in my stomach and I tremble. At worst, I feel like I could die. Of course, some days are better than others and I am thankful that it's not at its worst every single day. But honestly, and I don't mean to whine... I am so tired of anxiety. Something needs to change. A therapist once told me that if I had a job my anxiety would be so much better. Well, I have a job, but my anxiety is not "so much better". There are situational things in my life that are making it so bad right now, and then of course just the chemical imbalance or whatever you want to call it. I feel like even if things were going amazingly, I would still have anxiety, that everyday anxiety. So, even though I'm in therapy, even though I'm on a cocktail of anxiety meds, and even though I'm working and functioning, I'm as anxious as ever. For those of you that have struggled with anxiety, what have you found helpful? I have so much coping skills and self-talk and stuff like that, but there has to be something else. I'm tired.

So now, the situation at work is finallly over. But it has triggered so much. And I'm scared still. I wish I wasn't so sensitive and didn't react in the ways that I do. ED is creeping back in. That sucks. I just wish it was all fixed. I want to feel content. I am thinking of saving up to get a tattoo. It would say "inner peace". That's ultimately what I strive for.

Yesterday wasn't such a good day. I woke up feeling anxious and that always means the day is going to be hard. I had the day off from work, so I went and bought lunch by myself. After I was done , all I wanted to do was purge. I was standing over the toilet when I whipped out my phone and texted my therapist. She told me to take a walk, and I did, but I was crying the whole time. I just wanted my anxiety to go away so bad, and purging always helps with that. It was so frustrating. So I was sort of weird the rest of the day, and was having a lot of flashbacks and unsafe feelings. And by night time, I as emotional and feeling scared and shaky from memories and flashbacks. Idk, I just felt bad. And then I took too much Seroquel and slept way too long and was like a zombie all day today. I'm stressed about money, I don't have any. I cannot wait for therapy on Friday. I think I'm just going to curl up in a ball on her couch.

ramblings

Things are starting to get a little better. Maybe it's the Abilify helping, maybe it's just time that has helped. Although, my anxiety has been horrible today.

I finally got my car back after not having it for 2 weeks. A new engine and radiator was put in, it cost a boat load of money. But my car is fixed and I have it back, thank god.

I have to admit this, I had a slip up with my eating disorder this week. I purged. And I'm ashamed and feel badly that I did it. I'm not even quite sure why I did it. But I haven't done it since, so I guess that's good. I also really need for my appetite to come back. I know my anxiety and depression has caused it to go away, but I really need energy for my job and not feeling hungry is just making things worse for me.

I've had a lot of weirdo dreams lately, some nightmares, but not about past stuff. But I wake up and wonder, was that a dream or did that really happen? I hate that. I get so confused.
I have noticed that I am still dissociating. I will catch myself doing it and pinch my hand to snap back. It's hard though. I just zone out without realizing it. Sometimes I zone out and it's like nothing is there, my mind is blank. It's like I dissapear for a little bit. And then sometimes I zone out and I think about all this different shit.

Therapy went well yesterday. We mostly talked about the stuff at work, eating disorder stuff, and finding ways to make my life more fun. I didn't want to leave therapy . Therapy is safe, everywhere else is not right now. My therapist said..."your eating disorder is creeping back into your life right now, which is understandable". Why it's creeping back in, all the stress. I just need to deal with the stress in the right way. And not use the ED.

Although it might not sound like it sometimes, I really want freedom from my ED. I know it will take a lot of hard work to get there. I spent 4 1/2 months at Remuda Ranch when I was 15 and felt freedom when I left that program, so I know it's possible to find it and to have it stay. I constantly look for supportive and inspiring people in my journey of recovery, and I have definitely found that in Shelly and her FREAKED - Adventures of an Agoraphob blog. Thanks Shelly!

Well I had a long hard day at work, and have to be at work at 8am tomorrow. So I am going to relax, watch a movie, and go to bed soon.

More later, of course.

I just want to live. i feel like what I'm doing right now is not living. I'm just exisiting. I want to have a job that i love and enjoy, a career. I want to use my MA degree, even give nursing school a shot. I have a passion for health care, but I'm not doing anything about it. That makes me sad, and embarrassed. I need to find something that makes me happy. I need something to fill me up inside. I need friends, people to socialize with, but there is this fear that holds me back from all of this. The truth is, i'm scared of the good. Sounds crazy. But I associate good with loss. Always have. I don't want to have to feel like that forever.

past

often wonder if writing is more helpful or harmful. Lately I feel like it makes things worse. I know it's supposed to help you think about things more, but right now all I want to do is numb it all. But for now I am going to continue to write. The stress of the situation of what had been going on at work has died down, now that it seems to be under control and fixed.
But it brought back memories and flashbacks from the past. I think back to that time a lot...when I was 11, the spring of 5th grade year. So much happened in such a short period of time. Losing gymnastics, which was my world, the reason of my existence, the only life I knew. And the abuse that at the time I didn't even realize what it was or why. And then changing schools, losing my grandmother, and starting puberty. The word that comes to mind when I was 11 - 12 is traumatic. It's no wonder I have so many PTSD issues, not just with abuse shit. And I just think about how alone I was during that time and how incredibly devastated I was. And I have that same feeling now. It's obviously different now because I am 10 years older and in control and have power. But I still feel the way I felt at 11, and it's scary and sad and painful. I had taken a break from dealing with all the past stuff in therapy because of the stress of my new job, but when a certain situation happened at work, everything came flooding back. And it's so intense. My therapist says the flashbacks will pass and the feeling of crisis will pass, which it does. But it comes back to bite me in the ass a few times during the day. I am heavily relying on my therapist and Xanax right now. I almost feel overly medicated. I'm pretty sure I was high on Xanax yesterday. I have been texting or emailing my therapist everyday it seems. And I worry so much that I am bothering her. But at the same time, her un-wavering support is more than I could have ever asked for. And I would be a puddle on the floor without her. I know I have to begin to rely on myself, but it feels like too much to do it all by myself right now. I still need to be reminded to take deep breaths and take care of myself nicely and not use harmful coping skills. While the crying is not as intense or frequent, it is still there. When I told my therapist I just wanted to cut myself to numb all my feelings, she obviously said not to do that, but more importantly she said to just let myself feel what I am feeling. I guess that is only natural. After having such an unhealthy attachment to my previous therapist and being afraid to let my current therapist in, I finally feel like I have let down that wall and have been vulnerable with her (as scary as it has been). She hasn't left me and has not given up. Bless her for that. What I would do without her, I do not know.
My depression is pretty bad right now, but I know it's mostly situational. And I hope in a few weeks things will start to even out and get better.

Like my therapist says...Deep Breaths.

Breathing

It's amazing how difficult breathing can be for me sometimes. One of the things that has always helped me breathe easier is writing. So i started this blog.