Notice

I'm making my blog private. I'm sick of putting my emotions out there and getting hurt and trampled on. It was my mistake. I need to protect myself and my emotions. If you want to keep following my blog. Leave your email as a comment.

Thanks y'all.

woah

Well, that was productive. I'm not sure if that is sarcasm or not?

I just sobbed for an hour on my couch, with my head buried in a pillow. My abs are sore from crying so hard. I can't say I'm surprised. The emotional build-up and exhaustion I have been feeling was bound to come out somehow. I'm glad I let it out in a healthy way. I can't pinpoint exactly what triggered this epic sob fest, only that it came from within the depths of my soul, and it needed to be purged (through crying that is).

I feel like I just ran a marathon or something. I don't think my flashbacks, body memories, etc have ever felt more real than they do right now. And I think that's a big part of it. I've always known it was real, but have mostly felt disconnected from it. Like, it wasn't me that was there, it must have been someone else. But I felt it within myself tonight. I felt it was me. And it hurt.

Wow...breathe.

A year ago

Okay, so I wanted to write this huge long blog about what happened a year ago, on October 30, but...I decided to not do it. The more I think about 1 year ago, the worse I feel. I think it's more important, and better for me, to think about where I am NOW, and how I can continue to move forward in life. Yes, last year was horrible and a lot of bad shit happened in one day, but it is in the past. Moving forward...Thanks, bye.

Also, I have decided to take the advice of the two people that commented on my post about my goals. I didn't really think I needed to narrow it down until it was pointed out to me. I think I am going to focus on taking care of myself (eating more, drinking more water, sleeping better, altering my work schedule). Is that better?

Breathe and reboot.

For The Bible Tells Me So

So, this documentary came out a couple years ago. I have never watched it beginning to end, but I am going to try and find it so I can watch it. I don't talk much about my belief in God, the bible, or whatever on here, because honestly...I am not sure what I believe. After going to Remuda Ranch, which was a Christian based treatment facility, I was kind of a jesus-freak, but I never understood what it was I was reading or praying about. I lost a lot of faith about a year ago. I don't think I believed there wasn't a God or Higher Power, but the thought in my head was..."if there is such a thing, then why do so many horrible things happen?" When I came out to my parents, my mom was heartbroken because she thought I would never have the fairytale wedding, marriage, or family that she wanted for me. I also believed I would never have that.

I just find this whole issue with gays/lesbians in the church to be stupid. People are people, they should be loved respected, and given the same rights regardless of who they love or want to be with.

I had kind of given up on God, on praying, on church a long time ago. I blamed God (or whoever) for all the bad things that happened to me. Because, if he is such a loving God, why would he allow someone to hurt me in such a violent way? But honestly...for the past...I don't know...month or so...I have found myself maybe wanting to believe in God again.

I'm confused about my beliefs. Obviously.

Self-Care

I have been lacking in the self-care department lately, which is probably what triggered this depression and anxiety I am dealing with (among other things). So I had therapy today and we made a goal, more like a plan actually, to take better care of myself. We didn't make a list or anything like that, but I decided to make my own...so I can see exactly what I need to do to start feeling better. My therapist mentioned to me that I looked different than I did two weeks ago. A little thinner, my face was sort of hollow, and there was no life in my eyes. I don't want to look like that. I want to have life in my eyes.

But anyway, here is my list of goals for better self care.

1. Eat at least twice a day. Make sure to actually taste my food instead of just shoving it in.

2. Alter my schedule so that I have at least 1 day off of both jobs. I need to have one day to myself, to recuperate and rest.

3. Not work on my workbook so much. Only do it every few days or so, and if it gets too overwhelming or stressful, put it to the side. Share parts of it in therapy if needed.

4. Sign up for a dance class. I'm pretty excited about this one!

5. Reach out for help when I need it. I have been lacking on this, depriving myself of help. I have needed some extra support the last few days, but have neglected to reach out.

6. Write down my dreams/nightmares

7. No more self-harm. I had a relapse with cutting last night. Instead of self-harm, use positive and healthy coping skills to release my pent up energy and emotion.

8. Allow myself to cry. Emotional release is good.

And...I think that's it. I might think of some more later, but that's it for now.

I am going to go have some yogurt and granola. I am going to actually taste it and enjoy it, and remember I am nourishing myself.

Lullaby

Lullaby by Sia


Send a wish upon a star
Do the work and you'll go far
Send a wish upon a star
Make a map and there you are

Send a hope upon a wave
A dying wish before the grave
Send a hope upon a wave
For all this souls you failed to save

And you stood tall
Now you will fall
Don't break the spell
Of a life spent trying to do well
And you stood tall
Now you will fall
Don't break the spell
Of a life spent trying to do well

Send a question in the wind
It's hard to know where to begin
So send the question in the wind
And give an answer to a friend

Place your past into a book
Put in everything you ever took
Place your past into a book
Burn the pages let them cook

And you stood tall
Now you will fall
Don't break the spell
Of a life spent trying to do well
And you stood tall
Now you will fall
Don't break the spell
Of a life spent trying to do well

I don't know.

I don't know what to write on my blog anymore.

I feel like it's never good enough for people. It's never good enough for me.

I am angry.

Blah.

dead

I feel dead inside. I have no energy, no drive, no excitement. I am just existing. Waking up, going to work, coming home, going to bed, waking up, going to work...it's the same thing every day. I have no life. Work has become my life. I am physically and mentally exhausted. I do not know how I am doing what I am doing. It must be the fact that I have to make money, I have to provide for myself. Without two jobs, I could not be doing that. I have come so close in the past couple of days to putting in my two weeks at one of my jobs. I get to that job, and it's like I get diseased. My head hurts, my body aches, and it's as soon as I walk in the doors of that job. It's such a depressing and exhausting feeling.

I have wondered why my energy has been so low, why I am tired 100% of the time. I sleep fine. Sometimes I sleep too much. But I have no problem falling asleep. I talked to my Mom about this and she thinks it could be depression. I didn't really think about that. I didn't think I was depressed. I just thought I was tired. But I think she's right. I am depressed. I mean...I don't really enjoy my jobs. It's not what I want to be doing with my life. I don't have any friends, really. I am working through some really hard shit in therapy, that while it's good for me and what I need, it's hard. I'm alone. I have many reasons to be depressed, and I think that's what I am...depressed.

My anxiety has been super high the past several days, to the point where I've had a few panic attacks. I think I am sort of freaking out about life right now. And with the mixture of being exhausted and having no fun or excitement in my life...I am breakable. I am breaking.

Next Saturday is an important anniversary for me, something I will blog about when the time comes, and I've been focusing on that way too much I think. I admitted something to my therapist about my past. Something I've never really talked about before, so I'm kind of freaking out about that too.

I think what I need to do is just...live day to day. I am getting way too ahead of myself and making myself anxious over things that...I don't need to worry about until they come.

But I need to do something about this depression, lack of energy, lack of life. I need to really commit myself to study for my MA exam, signing up for it, and looking into applying for a real job.

I need to get back on track. I've lost ground.

Courage

I bought this today. It was...kind of embarrassing to buy it. But whatever. I felt the fear and did it anyway. My therapist recommended it to me a year ago. But I never had the guts to buy it until today. I'm thinking it will be helpful. I know some people who have done it and said it's helped. So, I have hope it will help me too.

I also have decided to go ahead and give EMDR a try. Obviously I still want to hear more about it from my therapist. But I have heard good things about it, and I will never know if it helps or not until I try, right?

I feel like I'm in this phase (finally) where I am ready to deal head-on with my abuse. For the past month and a half I have been doing some really hard work and I really feel I am ready. Maybe I have been ready for a while now, but I think I am just now realizing it. It's exhausting.

My therapist said to me last week that rape and sexual abuse is not about sex, that it's about power. I never thought about that before, but it makes total sense. He had 100% power over me. I was a child. I could not consent because I was not old enough to understand. I need to keep reminding myself of that. It was not my fault, it was not my fault. Maybe I don't believe that all the way yet, but I know I will one day. Right?

I am amazed at myself, quite honestly. When I look back to a year ago, where I was (in all aspects of my life, really) but especially pertaining to healing from my abuse...I have come so far. I really have. It is so hard so much of the time. But someone once told me it will be worth it. I believe that now.

Okay...breathe.

favorite routines so far

This week is the 2010 World Gymnastics Championships in Rotterdam, Holland. Of course, I am obsessed and following every quick-hit, video, forum, Twitter updates, etc. I left the sport of gymnastics 10 years ago, but it never seemed to leave me. Funny how that works, isn't it?
I am of course rooting for Team USA. So, most of these videos are of that team. But there is so much talent out there, so here are some of my favorite routines so far. Qualifcations was on Sunday. Team USA currently sits behind China and Russia. Team finals are tomorrow, followed by All Around and Event finals.



She is currently in first for beam. She has so much artistry. Love her.




My girl A-Sac doing her thang.



Bross is boss on beam.



Girl can tumble.



Very original routine



Current world champ in the all around. Not defending her title this year due to injury. But she did make bar finals. This is why.

Choking

I had a dream (well, nightmare) a couple nights ago that I was being choked by someone. It woke me up. So what do I do? I look up online what this means...here is what it said:

To dream that someone is choking you, indicates that you are suppressing your emotions. You have difficulties in expressing your fears, anger, or love. Consider the phrase "being all choked up". Alternatively, you may feel that you are being prevented or restricted from freely expressing yourself.

"Take Me Out" by Atomic Tom LIVE on NYC subway

Happy Heart

My heart is so happy tonight. The day did not start off like this though. I woke up this morning very grumpy and quite honestly depressed. I was exhausted beyond words and didn't know how I was going to make it through a double shift at one of my jobs. I felt like crying. In fact I did cry. But throughout the day I tried to ignore the exhaustion that had set in my bones and every cell of my body, and think positively. I said things to myself such as, "I am going to make good money today. I am going to get to spend a couple hours with my Mom today. I get to work with some of my favorite people today". And so I started feeling more energetic, more positive.

At my second shift at work tonight, we were getting slammed. And I mean slammed. We had a two page wait list for two hours. It was crazy and somewhat stressful, but totally do-able and manageable. In this middle of this craziness, I looked at the door, where a line of about 10 people stood, and saw Jessica. Jessica is my old therapist. I stopped seeing her a year ago and started seeing a new one. I saw Jessica for therapy for 5 years. She saw me through a lot, got me through a lot, and basically watched me grow up in a lot of ways. I patted her on the shoulder and she turned around and we both grinned at each other (probably the cheesiest grins you ever have seen). I barely saw her face. Instead I threw my arms around her and squeezed her so tight (she did the same back). She hugged me so tight she practically picked me off the ground. I cannot describe how happy I was in that moment. How glad I was to see her. How much joy filled my heart. She told me how great I looked. I didn't really get a chance to talk to her because we were so busy. But she asked how my jobs were going and I told her that I don't have a day off and said something about how much I knew she liked the idea of that!

My relationship with Jessica, which was complicated and at times unhealthy, never stopped me from realizing how much she helped me over the years. It has been nearly a year since I stopped seeing her, and what makes me so happy, what make my eyes fill with tears of joy, is knowing how far I have come. Not just in this past year, but in 5 years. Things are not perfect, and I would not say I am "happy". I mean, I do feel happiness. But I am in a such different and good place in my life than I have ever been. And I know I could not have gotten to this place without the help of my current therapist, my family, and a few friends. But I definitely could not have gotten to this place without Me, Myself and I. I am proud of myself. Yes, I have so much more work to get done, so much further to go. But to compare myself a year ago, heck..even 6 months ago. I have changed, I have grown. And I cannot help but feel I owe so much of my current happiness and growth to Jessica. When I saw her tonight, and still now, all the negativity and yuckiness in my life flooded out of me. I feel so good right now. It's crazy!

So, my heart is happy tonight. I am so exhausted, ready for a good night's sleep. But I feel positive. I feel hopeful.

Nauseated.

I had therapy today. It was pretty hard. We talked mostly about the abuse, well actually...that was all we talked about. We talked specifically about the newest memory I have. It was hard, talking through it. Telling her what I remember from beginning to end. How I felt during it, emotionally and physically, how I felt afterwards. It was difficult to get the words out at times. At the end I wanted to throw up. I still feel nauseous. I know it's good work I'm doing, my therapist re-affirmed this. I have to go to work at 3, and I need to snap out of it before then, so I won't be completely dissociating at work.

My therapist also brought up the idea of EMDR again. She thinks it could really help me. I guess I could give it a try. I really want to know more about it though. There is a book at the library about it that I could check out. Or just research online. I guess I want to understand exactly how it will help me more than talk therapy helps.

http://www.emdr.com/briefdes.htm

Things with my eating are...fine. No purging. My weight is fine (fat). I mean, okay...realistically I am still restricting. I am still eating disordered. But I am doing better, I think. Or am I in denial? I don't know. Maybe I need to accept that my eating now...is as good as it's going to get.

I need to slow my thinking down right now. It's way too fast, way too obsessive, and way too...all over the place.

11 Goals

I've been losing grip lately. Details are not important. But I need to make some goals.


1. Erase the following sayings from my head: "I can't. I'm scared. It's hard. How? But what if?"

2. Keep going for daily runs.

3. Reconnect with a particular friend, even if I have my doubts.

4. Continue to wean myself off the Trazodone. 13 years is too long to be on a medication.

5. Don't overdose on other medications and do stupid shit.

6. Go to bed earlier. Wake up earlier.

7. Write more.

8. I don't know when I would have the time, but I would love to start volunteering for the SPCA again.

9. Don't try to make people understand. Just accept that some people have not been through things I have been through, and therefore do not understand the emotions and the process.

10. In therapy on Thursday, tell her everything. Even if I'm scared. I will feel better.

11. Take care of myself better. This means, eating better and healthier. Not letting my anxiety overtake me, and reaching out for help when I need to.

Ok...GO!

quote from a survivor website

"I began to think about the mechanism of what he had done to me: where he had isolated me, I make friends; where he had silenced me, I express myself in every way I could think of; where he made me freeze with fear I learn to move, with grace and expression; where he had destroyed my ability to think I follow a train of thought through, in as many different directions as possible.
Then I realized that I had the capacity to turn everything he had aimed at me into something positive for myself: where there was hate, I turn it into self care for myself; where there was violence I turn that into gentle regard for myself; where there was fear I turn that into courage."

This is so powerful. And so true. I need to write this down and carry it with me every where I go.

Comfort

Sorry if this is cheesy or strange.
It's how I feel (which tends to be cheesy and strange).

It seems forever that I have felt this way. That I have had this insatiable craving to be comforted. I crave for someone to hold me. To rub my back, stroke my hair, and just hold me. And not for two minutes, but for a long time. It sounds so safe and warm. I did not get many hugs and "I love yous" when I was growing up, unless I did something really great. Maybe that is why I crave it so much. And I know every human being craves physical comfort and touch, but I feel like I crave it more than the average person. Maybe because I have never been in a relationship, maybe because I have never been with someone. Because I don't have many friends. Because I spend 50% of my time isolating alone in my house. Because I was hurt when I was younger and now I crave safe touch. I don't expect this comfort to just fall in my lap. I know it does not work like that. You have to find it and ask for it. I know I cannot continue to whine about this and expect it to just happen. I have to put myself out there.

I keep wanting to say..."but it's hard and scary, and I don't know how".
I need to delete those words and sayings from my life. I just need to do it. Now.

now, tell me why

Because we'll be together.

what the hell is wrong with me.

I just got back from the gynecologist. I sobbed through the entire exam. Way to go Holly. I am so embarrassed. My doctor could not have been more supportive and helpful though.
At least I don't have to go back for a year, I hope.

I think I am going to write a lot today.

"Writing is a form of therapy. Sometimes I wonder how all those, who do not write, compose, or paint can manage to escape the madness, the melancholia, the panic fear, which is inherent in a human condition."
Graham Greene

On a side note, I recently heard the song "What's my age again" by Blink 182. Haven't heard that in forever. Damn, that song takes me straight back to 4th-5th grade.

quotes that have inspired me lately.

Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.
Marie Curie

There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.
John Lennon

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the willingness to act in spite of it.
Unknown

Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.
Bill Cosby

The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn, feel, change, grow or love. Chained by his certitude, he is a slave; he has forfeited his freedom. Only the person who risks is truly free.
Leo Buscaglia

Don’t think. Thinking is the enemy of creativity. It’s self-conscious and anything self-conscious is lousy. You can’t “try” to do things. You simply “must” do things.
Ray Bradbury

To hurt is as human as to breathe.
J.K. Rowling, The Tales of Beedle the Bard

You were like coming up for fresh air. It’s like I was drowning and you saved me.
Grey’s Anatomy

Almost all things in life deal with love, the lack of love, and the desire to be loved.
Paul Julian Banks

You have been my friend. That in itself is a tremendous thing.
E.B. White, Charlotte’s Web

Everyone feels that void. Everyone who has the balls to look inside themselves, anyway. It’s what life’s all about, a search.
Tiffanie DeBarto

I have the choice of being constantly active and happy or introspectively passive and sad, or I can go mad by ricocheting in between.
Sylvia Plath


I always wonder why birds choose to stay in the same place when they can fly anywhere on the earth. Then I ask myself the same question.
Anonymous

You set yourself up for happiness or you set yourself up for sadness. Either way, it’s your doing.
Jill Davis

oh so true.

"Change isn’t easy. Changing the way you live means changing what you believe about life. That’s hard. When we make our own misery, we sometimes cling to it even when we want so bad to change because the misery is something we know. The misery is comfortable."
Dean Koontz

two latest obsessions

Doesn't this make you want to dance?




I cannot wait to see this! I have a slight obsession with ballerinas!

survey

Does the last person you held hands with mean something to you?
yes.

Do you think somebody likes the same person you do?
I know so.

How’s your heart?
It's alright.

Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos?
Yes.

Do you know anyone that’s married?
Duh.

Where are you going to be at 4:00pm tomorrow?
Work.

Is there someone who you can spend every minute with and be happy?
maybe?

Three days in a hotel or NFL game tickets?
NFL tickets.

What do you carry with you at all times?
nothing allll the time.

When your friend is telling you all of their problems - do you truly care?
of course.

Will your next kiss be a mistake?
I hope not.

Have you lost friends in the past 3 years?
yes

Honestly, are you dating 2 people?
no.

So you hate it when people ask questions about the last person you kissed?
whatever.

Do you believe in karma?
Yes.

Do you think you will be in a relationship three months from now?
That would be nice.

What is mom saved as on your phone?
Mom

Has anyone told you they don’t wanna ever lose you?
Not that I can recall.

Did you enjoy your last hug?
Yes, very much.

Is sex the most important thing in a relationship?
Don't ask me about those things. I know nothing about them.

Have you ever found it hard to get over someone?
yes.

Do you think your first love affects the way you go on with life?
Yes.

Have you held hands with somebody in the past week?
no.

Say you were given an drug test right now, would you pass?
Nothing illegal would show up.

Have you ever changed your clothes while in a vehicle?
yes.

What’s currently bothering you right now?
Nothing at the moment.

Who did you last say I love you to?
I don't remember.

If you cheated on your boy/girlfriend, would you fess up?
Yes

Could you ever forgive a cheater?
Yes

Are you dating the last person you kissed?
No

Anyone ever asked you if you were bi polar?
Yes. and No, I'm not.

Do you still talk to the person you fell the hardest for?
Yep.

Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?
Haha, definitely.

Do you and your last ex hate each other?
I don't have an ex.

Did the last person you kiss have tattoos?
No

Is the person you last texted single?
Nope

Ever kissed someone who smoked?
No

So, the person you like, their name starts with a B, right?
wrong

You’ve had sex with over 12 people, haven’t you?
Definitely not.

Do you think anyone has feelings for you?
Probably not.

Do you know how it feels to be cheated on?
No

What would you say if you found out your last ex was in a relationship?
I don't have an ex!

Are any of your friends virgins?
maybe

Have you ever had a best friend who was of the opposite sex?
Yes.

Think back to January, who did you like?
Nobody.

What’s the first thing that pops into your head when you think of last summer?
Shitty times.

Anything you’re really afraid of?
pretty much everything.

Compared to this time last year are you happier or sadder?
Happier.

What do you bite on more your tongue lip or nails?
lip and nails.

Would your parents care if you came home at 4 A.M?
I don't live with my parents.

Are you going to get hurt anytime soon?
I hope not.

Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you?
Yes.

Say your ex walks up to you and hugs you, what do you say?
!!!

Where is the person who has your heart at the moment?
Nobody has my heart.

Would you prefer being locked in a room with your ex or your worst enemy?
seeing as how I don't have either...

What color shirt are you wearing?
white

What’s the last thing you spent money on?
gatorade.

Have you ever kissed someone who was in a relationship?
Nope.