Struggling.

I'm having a particularly shitty day. I feel the need to vent.

First off, my day started out rough when I overslept a little this morning and didn't have time to shower. So physically, I was just feeling icky. Then I went off to work. My manager on Wednesdays is HUGE bitch. HUGE. And today she was feeling bitchier than usual. Another one of my co-workers, who is also a huge bitch, also felt the need to pick on me too. Just because I'm not a server, doesn't mean I am your personal slave, so get the fucking water pitcher yourself bitch. And next time you want me to get you something, try saying "please" and "thank you". GOD. Ughhh. So anyway, I pretty much had to fight through tears my whole shift because of those two.

My day got a little better after that when I went to babysit the kids. So from around 2 until 6ish, things were pretty good.

Then I had an appointment with my dietitian at 7pm. I was really nervous going into it. I have been struggling lately. Not so much with behaviors, although there have been instances where I have been restricting. But struggling more so with eating disordered thoughts and urges. It was good to talk it out with my dietitian. And I really felt like I got some good feedback from her.

It's just frustrating though. I feel like I have all the right tools and coping skills to deal with my eating disorder. 9 times out of 10 I use those tools. But what people sometimes don't understand about recovery is that sometimes pushing through the urges and doing the healthy thing feels really crappy. And lately that's what I have been struggling with. I miss my eating disorder right now. It has always been there. Life has thrown me a lot of punches lately, and my eating disorder, if I was using it, would make me forget about all of the crappy stuff going on. This stage of recovery I'm in right now, it's exhausting. From the outside looking in, people who don't understand eating disorders and recovery, think that I came home from treatment in March and that I am all better now. Fixed. I am a lot better, yes. But not fixed. And it's a very lonely place to be when you realize that not everyone "gets it". I have my Remuda sisters, of course. But they live so far away, not close enough that I can drive to their house and cry on their shoulder and know that they know what I'm going through.I'm tired of hearing people tell me, "But Holly, look how far you have come, look at all the great work you are doing. Please, Please don't go back to ED." Not that I don't appreciate their words of wisdom and their support, I just wish I was hearing something else right now. I don't exactly know what that is. Maybe it would be comforting to hear..."Yes it is hard". So maybe I wouldn't feel like I'm fucking this up. Maybe there is something else that is going on that is causing me to feel so awful. I'm not really sure. I feel very confused. Very lost.

I was having a good run with body image there for a while. I started to actually like my body. But then I weighed myself and BOOM, well there goes that. I can't even look at my profile picture on Facebook right now because I will critique it until there is nothing left to critique. I'm just very frustrated with my weight, which has maintained for 2 months now. I still would like to lose weight. Yeah, I said it. SO not a recovery oriented thing to say, but hey this post is all about the struggles of recovery.

I'm not really sure where to go from here. Other than just pray on all of this. Ask God for His help. To help me figure out what to do, or where to go from here.

Any support, wisdom, advice, cyber hugs, or prayers would be greatly appreciated.