Happy New Year everyone!
Well the first thing that comes to my head is...it's the end of a decade. Which I personally have no problem with. If you have read my blog you know that the past 10 years have been a roller coaster I never thought I would be on. But this is also the start of a new decade. And that...I am very excited about. Time to leave those 10 years behind me...Time to start new.
I remember this time last year I was sobbing alone in my apartment. I was so extremely relieved that 2009 was over, because it had been such a horrible horrible year for me. And I was so ready to leave it behind and move the fuck on. And that is exactly what I did. Maybe not entirely, but I started.
This year I didn't cry. Not even one tear. I am excited for my future mostly, mixed in with anxiety and fear and the unknown...but such is life.
Now is the time to trust it. To trust myself, to trust the process, to trust my team.
Time to let go. Goodbye eating disorder, goodbye self harm, goodbye bad relationships, goodbye PTSD, goodbye old me.
Hello health. Hello friends. Hello love. Hello recovery. Hello relationships. Hello travels. Hello new jobs. Hello healing. Hello positivity. Hello hope. Hello LIFE.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Resolutions
I made my New Year's Resolution today. Well, there are two of them.
1. Be more positive. Turn every negative into something positive
2. Get back on track with recovery.
For the second one, I already emailed my dietitian who I have known since I was 14. I haven't seen her for treatment in about a year due to the cost. But I emailed her to set up an appointment so she can help me set up a meal plan and all that fun stuff. I won't be able to afford to see her on a regular basis, nor do I feel I need it. But I just need to see her a couple of times to get back on track. My therapist agrees with this idea. I am anxious and scared, however, I am committed to doing this and know that this is the best thing for me.
1. Be more positive. Turn every negative into something positive
2. Get back on track with recovery.
For the second one, I already emailed my dietitian who I have known since I was 14. I haven't seen her for treatment in about a year due to the cost. But I emailed her to set up an appointment so she can help me set up a meal plan and all that fun stuff. I won't be able to afford to see her on a regular basis, nor do I feel I need it. But I just need to see her a couple of times to get back on track. My therapist agrees with this idea. I am anxious and scared, however, I am committed to doing this and know that this is the best thing for me.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Wrong
The other night I wanted to end it all. I don't feel that way anymore, not to that extreme. But I am frustrated. I recognize what I need to change in my life...and yet I feel like I don't have it in me to do it. I want it...I want to change. But I literally feel stuck. I am so irritated.
Move on, let it go.
What if I am not able to? What if there is something wrong with me, that it's not possible for me to move on and let it go.
Is it really as simple as walking away?
I just feel like something is wrong with me. I don't remember ever NOT feeling that way.
I've cried the past 4 days. Now I'm all bottled up again.
This is so wrong. I am so wrong.
Move on, let it go.
What if I am not able to? What if there is something wrong with me, that it's not possible for me to move on and let it go.
Is it really as simple as walking away?
I just feel like something is wrong with me. I don't remember ever NOT feeling that way.
I've cried the past 4 days. Now I'm all bottled up again.
This is so wrong. I am so wrong.
7 years
7 years ago today I was admitted to Remuda Ranch. Looking back to that day I didn't realize how significant it all was. Now I do. 7 years ago today was the first day I made the step into recovery. It has been a big rollercoaster of ups and downs since then, but recovery has always always been in the back of my head. Prior to December 28, 2003....it was not.
I do not dwell on, or think about this day often. But today I am, for obvious reasons. It was such a strange day. I remember it so well. I was scared and overwhelmed and completely oblivious to what lie ahead. However, I never in my life have received so much support and love as when I did when I was at Remuda.
I was only 15 years old, on the opposite side of the country from where my home was, and sick and scared. But 4 1/2 months later I emerged a healthier and happier person...in a state of mind I still am trying to get back to.
Anyway...just wanted to share.
I do not dwell on, or think about this day often. But today I am, for obvious reasons. It was such a strange day. I remember it so well. I was scared and overwhelmed and completely oblivious to what lie ahead. However, I never in my life have received so much support and love as when I did when I was at Remuda.
I was only 15 years old, on the opposite side of the country from where my home was, and sick and scared. But 4 1/2 months later I emerged a healthier and happier person...in a state of mind I still am trying to get back to.
Anyway...just wanted to share.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Christmas
Well, first of all...Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to everyone! I hope everyone had a good time and that it wasn't too stressful or overwhelming.
According to me, my Christmas didn't really go all that well. Yes, I got some really nice presents from friends and family, and even had the first white Christmas here in 17 years, so that is pretty special. But over the past two days I have been in a state of depression. I sat on my parent's couch sobbing yesterday. I felt so alone. Both my sisters have serious boyfriends who bought them lots of nice gifts and spent lots of time with them. And I am all alone. I really felt it. And it hurt. It didn't feel like a happy Christmas. I felt very sad actually. Everything in my life is going pretty well...things are on an upswing right now. But I'm alone. Okay yes, I have my family, and my good few close friends, but I want that comfort of a boyfriend. I see my sisters experiencing it and it makes me want it so bad.
I can hear my mom saying to me, "Oh but Holly you are only 22! You are so young and you will find someone!" And I know that's what everyone else would say to me too. But I want it now. Is that wrong?
I want someone to share my joy and progress and laughter and humor with. I want someone to hold on to. I want them to be there for me and me be there for them. it just aches.
Sadly, my best memory from this Christmas was getting pretty drunk at our family party and not feeling much and just being slap happy.
On the bright side, I did get a gift to the online course for Soul Restoration for Brave Girls Camp from my dear friend Jamie. I am so looking forward to this. If you don't know what Brave Girls Camp is, you need to check it out.
Well that's all I have for now.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
This is short.
I have been feeling really good lately (anxiety aside). I have been eating better, and while it still needs to improve a lot...progress has been made. Flashbacks are less frequent. My friend said to me yesterday that I don't seem as depressed as I used to. It was weird to hear that, but he is totally right. I look back 3-4 months ago, and I was kind of a hot mess. These days...I am coping. I am doing alright. Things are still hard, but I have great people in my life. I am working my ass off and making that money. Christmas is almost here and I LOVE that. I'm just feeling...better.
I like it.
I like it.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Anxiety
I hate anxiety. I've been doing really well with my anxiety, panic attacks, etc for a couple weeks now. Okay, so it has not gone away completely...it is always there. But there are chunks of time where it is bearable, where it's not overwhelming. I've been relatively calm lately, and I have really enjoyed it. But this morning, as soon as I opened my eyes, I felt the trembling all over my body, the horrible feeling in my stomach and chest, and this overwhelming sense that something was wrong. But why today? Why this morning? Things were going so well! Maybe it's the stress of work, of the holidays. I know eventually it will fade. But it just really SUCKED to wake up to this. I immidietely popped a Xanax (it's prescribed to me, I'm not addicted or anything). Because I knew if I didn't take some sort of medicine then, I would be in hell all day. Hopefully this will mellow me out and I can get through my double shift today, and then just breathe....because I have the next 3 days off.
Breathe, Breathe, Breathe. Listen to music, Breathe some more, Laugh, Breathe, Think about something completely different, and....Just Breathe.
Breathe, Breathe, Breathe. Listen to music, Breathe some more, Laugh, Breathe, Think about something completely different, and....Just Breathe.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Updates
I don't really feel like writing a detailed post. I'm tired and not feeling well. So I am just going to do some bullets of what's going on with me lately.
- Christmas is 6 days away, I still need to get half of my shopping done. The next time I have to do it is Tuesday before work, or Thursday.
- I am currently on exercise restriction from my therapist until I start eating better. This has definitely provided me some motivation. I love running, it has been so healing lately. So it was horrible to hear that I am not allowed to run. Since hearing that, I have been eating much more and much better.
- I see my psychiatrist on Thursday. I am going to ask him about switching around my anxiety meds.
- I deleted someone from my Facebook friends list. (Okay I know that sounds trivial) But this person used to be a really good friend of mine, but she stopped talking to me 3 months ago for reasons unknown. I have been really hurt by it, and to see her on Facebook talking to EVERYONE else...has been painful. So, she has my email and my phone number, and my messages have gone unanswered. If she wants to talk to me, she knows how to find me.
- I go through these phases where I feel like I am pushing people away, and everyone is mad or annoyed at me. And I am in one of those phases now. I am paranoid that I have done something wrong, even though people tell me I haven't. Something I just get the sense people don't want to talk to me anymore and that my personal struggles are pushing them away frome me.
- I had a huge full blown panic attack on Friday night. It was awful. I was able to calm down without any help though. What triggered it was just a bunch of things, mostly just thinking back to my past, how I felt, or didn't feel, then. What happened, what I lost, what I went through, how it has affected me. To think of all those things at once is just too much, and I have learned that the hard way. I am grieving what I lost 10 years ago, 10 years later.
- I am going through the "Understanding it wasn't your fault" chapter in The Courage to Heal workbook. It's definitely tough.
- For some reason I haven't been able to get into the Christmas spirit as much this year. Maybe it's because I am working so damn much and don't have time to. But it really doesn't feel like Christmas and I am not ready for it at all.
Well, there's not much else to say. I'm feeling pretty miserable physically. I need some hot chocolate and some rest. Too bad I work tonight, work a double tomorrow, work Tuesday night, and work a double again on Wednesday. But then I have 3 days off...so that will be good.
I will write more later on in the week.
- Christmas is 6 days away, I still need to get half of my shopping done. The next time I have to do it is Tuesday before work, or Thursday.
- I am currently on exercise restriction from my therapist until I start eating better. This has definitely provided me some motivation. I love running, it has been so healing lately. So it was horrible to hear that I am not allowed to run. Since hearing that, I have been eating much more and much better.
- I see my psychiatrist on Thursday. I am going to ask him about switching around my anxiety meds.
- I deleted someone from my Facebook friends list. (Okay I know that sounds trivial) But this person used to be a really good friend of mine, but she stopped talking to me 3 months ago for reasons unknown. I have been really hurt by it, and to see her on Facebook talking to EVERYONE else...has been painful. So, she has my email and my phone number, and my messages have gone unanswered. If she wants to talk to me, she knows how to find me.
- I go through these phases where I feel like I am pushing people away, and everyone is mad or annoyed at me. And I am in one of those phases now. I am paranoid that I have done something wrong, even though people tell me I haven't. Something I just get the sense people don't want to talk to me anymore and that my personal struggles are pushing them away frome me.
- I had a huge full blown panic attack on Friday night. It was awful. I was able to calm down without any help though. What triggered it was just a bunch of things, mostly just thinking back to my past, how I felt, or didn't feel, then. What happened, what I lost, what I went through, how it has affected me. To think of all those things at once is just too much, and I have learned that the hard way. I am grieving what I lost 10 years ago, 10 years later.
- I am going through the "Understanding it wasn't your fault" chapter in The Courage to Heal workbook. It's definitely tough.
- For some reason I haven't been able to get into the Christmas spirit as much this year. Maybe it's because I am working so damn much and don't have time to. But it really doesn't feel like Christmas and I am not ready for it at all.
Well, there's not much else to say. I'm feeling pretty miserable physically. I need some hot chocolate and some rest. Too bad I work tonight, work a double tomorrow, work Tuesday night, and work a double again on Wednesday. But then I have 3 days off...so that will be good.
I will write more later on in the week.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Layers
I am still working through The Courage to Heal books. The other day I ran across an excerpt from the section where survivors tell their stories. And it hit me so hard that I have to share it.
"When I get into a crisis now, instead of saying, "Oh my god, I'm never going to heal," I see that it's like layers, and the more I work with it, the more they keep coming around. And even though it's like "But I was feeling good two days ago and now I'm shaking and crying and I can't sleep," I'm beginning to see that I'm not coming back to the same place, I'm coming back at a different level. It's a circling, and up and down, and I have to be with it, and ride it, and trust it. When I reach the next level where the tears are, where the fear is, where the tiredness is, I have to trust in my life energy -- that where I am is where I need to be. And by being there as fully as I possibly can, I move to the next step." - Gizelle
I told my therapist today that I think I have recovered all the memories I am going to remember. That there used to be a time where I felt and knew inside of me that there was more to be remembered, and the memories kept coming. But I don't feel that way anymore. I don't think there is anything big left. I continue to remember small details, sometimes more haunting than the big things. I look back to a year ago, hell even four months ago, and it has gotten so much better, it has gotten so much easier. "It" being the remembering and the process of dealing with my childhood sexual abuse. This is not to say it's all better, but I'm not in the emergency stage anymore, at least not in a constant state of it. Some days are better than others, some days are worse than others.
My therapist asked me today, "What do you think you need now to heal?" I told her I didn't know. I threw out there the idea of forgiveness, the idea of needing to still get really angry. I'm just going to keep doing what I have been doing. It has worked so far. Maybe I will give EMDR a try too, and maybe take K up on her offer and try body memory recall. I also talked to my therapist today about how I can acknowledge that I was sexually abused, but it's hard for me to embrace, hard for me to swallow the fact that it was ME. My therapist has been keeping my Courage to Heal workbook in her office for a few weeks because it's just been too much for me to do lately, but she gave it back to me today. I looked at the cover, and had to turn it over. The words "child sexual abuse" just get to me. This is MY book, and it has those words on the cover? I believe it all really happened, but it's scary and sad for me to...take it.
BUT, with all of that said...I didn't think there would be a day when it would get better, but it HAS. And it will continue to. And there will be a day without flashbacks, and without body memories, and without all the crap that comes with PTSD.
There is SO much to say right now, it's all good though. Positive and forward motion. Yesterday I felt like a hopeless head case. Today, with the help of the wonderfully amazing K, and my wonderfully amazing therapist...I have hope.
"When I get into a crisis now, instead of saying, "Oh my god, I'm never going to heal," I see that it's like layers, and the more I work with it, the more they keep coming around. And even though it's like "But I was feeling good two days ago and now I'm shaking and crying and I can't sleep," I'm beginning to see that I'm not coming back to the same place, I'm coming back at a different level. It's a circling, and up and down, and I have to be with it, and ride it, and trust it. When I reach the next level where the tears are, where the fear is, where the tiredness is, I have to trust in my life energy -- that where I am is where I need to be. And by being there as fully as I possibly can, I move to the next step." - Gizelle
I told my therapist today that I think I have recovered all the memories I am going to remember. That there used to be a time where I felt and knew inside of me that there was more to be remembered, and the memories kept coming. But I don't feel that way anymore. I don't think there is anything big left. I continue to remember small details, sometimes more haunting than the big things. I look back to a year ago, hell even four months ago, and it has gotten so much better, it has gotten so much easier. "It" being the remembering and the process of dealing with my childhood sexual abuse. This is not to say it's all better, but I'm not in the emergency stage anymore, at least not in a constant state of it. Some days are better than others, some days are worse than others.
My therapist asked me today, "What do you think you need now to heal?" I told her I didn't know. I threw out there the idea of forgiveness, the idea of needing to still get really angry. I'm just going to keep doing what I have been doing. It has worked so far. Maybe I will give EMDR a try too, and maybe take K up on her offer and try body memory recall. I also talked to my therapist today about how I can acknowledge that I was sexually abused, but it's hard for me to embrace, hard for me to swallow the fact that it was ME. My therapist has been keeping my Courage to Heal workbook in her office for a few weeks because it's just been too much for me to do lately, but she gave it back to me today. I looked at the cover, and had to turn it over. The words "child sexual abuse" just get to me. This is MY book, and it has those words on the cover? I believe it all really happened, but it's scary and sad for me to...take it.
BUT, with all of that said...I didn't think there would be a day when it would get better, but it HAS. And it will continue to. And there will be a day without flashbacks, and without body memories, and without all the crap that comes with PTSD.
There is SO much to say right now, it's all good though. Positive and forward motion. Yesterday I felt like a hopeless head case. Today, with the help of the wonderfully amazing K, and my wonderfully amazing therapist...I have hope.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Winter
"I’m living under water. Everything seems slow and far away. I know there’s a world up there, a sunlit quick world where time runs like dry sand through an hourglass, but down here, where I am, air and sound and time and feeling are thick and dense."
-Audrey Niffenegger, The Time Traveler’s Wife
This quote basically sums out how I feel right now, how I feel through the season of winter. I hate cold weather. I hate the way it seems to freeze up my insides and make everything in the past come flooding back. Why is that? I feel dark and depressed, yet numb at the same time. Every day feels the same, everything is dark. I don't feel any hope in this season. And maybe that's why every single day lately I just have the urge to carve up my leg or arm. If I don't have anything to look forward to, that's all I want to do. I have gone 3 weeks without self-harm, without cutting, and the only reason is because I continually find things to look forward to. Even in the midst of all the struggle I feel right now, all the mess that I feel right now...I can find something to look forward to. And for me, that is so important for me. I must always have something to look forward to and something to be excited about. And I always do.
So, while I feel so very dark inside, so hopeless, and so scared and anxious, I feel excited about certain things. And so, to take care of myself...I am going to make a list of the things I am looking forward to currently.
- Thursday (seeing K, getting a massage, therapy)
- Buying a sparkly dress for my family's Christmas party
- Going to the UVA basketball game with my dad on Friday
- Christmas in general
- Buying presents for friends and family
- A possible snow storm on Thursday and Sunday
- Whenever the hell Black Swan opens in theaters around here!
And that's all I can think of for now. But that's enough. Because I have things to feel good about and to be excited about. As hard as it is, I have to think of those things when everything in me feels like giving in to the darkness.
-Audrey Niffenegger, The Time Traveler’s Wife
This quote basically sums out how I feel right now, how I feel through the season of winter. I hate cold weather. I hate the way it seems to freeze up my insides and make everything in the past come flooding back. Why is that? I feel dark and depressed, yet numb at the same time. Every day feels the same, everything is dark. I don't feel any hope in this season. And maybe that's why every single day lately I just have the urge to carve up my leg or arm. If I don't have anything to look forward to, that's all I want to do. I have gone 3 weeks without self-harm, without cutting, and the only reason is because I continually find things to look forward to. Even in the midst of all the struggle I feel right now, all the mess that I feel right now...I can find something to look forward to. And for me, that is so important for me. I must always have something to look forward to and something to be excited about. And I always do.
So, while I feel so very dark inside, so hopeless, and so scared and anxious, I feel excited about certain things. And so, to take care of myself...I am going to make a list of the things I am looking forward to currently.
- Thursday (seeing K, getting a massage, therapy)
- Buying a sparkly dress for my family's Christmas party
- Going to the UVA basketball game with my dad on Friday
- Christmas in general
- Buying presents for friends and family
- A possible snow storm on Thursday and Sunday
- Whenever the hell Black Swan opens in theaters around here!
And that's all I can think of for now. But that's enough. Because I have things to feel good about and to be excited about. As hard as it is, I have to think of those things when everything in me feels like giving in to the darkness.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Gratitude.
With the suggestion from Emily, I decided to make a gratitude post in the midst of all this struggle I am going through. It is hard for me to do this, since my mind only wants to see the negative right now. But I hope this post/exercise will leave me feeling somewhat better.
I am grateful for...
1. My family, friends, therapist, and psychiatrist. They keep me sane. They point out what I need to see and need to do when everything seems to be going wrong. They have stood by my side no matter what. I would not be here today, without them
2. My dogs. It sounds silly, but my dogs Lucy and Sophie bring a smile to my face whenever I see them. Since they live with my parents, I don't get to see them as often as I would like. But there is nothing like the unconditional love of a dog. Sophie loves to snuggle up next to me and lick my face, and Lucy likes to run around the house and play chase. I love my dogs.
3. My jobs. Even though at times I cannot stand working, I am so very thankful to have 2 jobs, especially right now when unemployment is so high. Working keeps me grounded, it keeps my mind off things I shouldn't be thinking about, it takes up time that I would most likely use to do useless things like sleep and obsess. Most of the time I have a lot of fun with my co-workers, and I make enough money to get by and to afford the things I need.
4. Music. No matter what I am going through, good or bad, music is my second form of therapy. No, I don't play any instruments, but I have thousands of songs on my iPod and millions of CD's in my car. I listen to music whenever I get the chance. I love being able to relate to lyrics in songs, and relate them to whatever I have gone through or am going through. I love music that is silly and fun, but also music that is serious and thought provoking.
5. Laughter. I am probably most grateful for this one. Laughing is my favorite thing to do in the entire world. I can always laugh, no matter how crummy I feel. I am very fortunate to work with a group of people that crack me up, especially one guy...who can make me burst out laughing when all I feel like doing is crying. I watch the Ellen Degeneres show everyday, and that makes me laugh no matter what too.
6. Hugs. Seriously, what would the world be like without hugs? I love hugs, always have. Although I don't get as many as I like, I think at this point in time, I get enough. To me, getting or giving a hug is the ultimate gift. There are about 3 people in my life who regularly give me hugs. I am so thankful for them.
7. Running or any form of exercise. Nothing in my life has ever made me feel better than exercising. I was, and will be, an athlete all of my life. So for me to not have exercise in my life, is like taking away air. I currently run whenever I find the time, always take time to stretch when I wake up and before I go to bed, and am looking into taking dance classes or getting back into the gymnastics gym. I also want to run the 10k here in the Spring, and hopefully run a 5k before I do that.
8. The power of change. I can't believe I am putting this on a list of things I am grateful for, but I am. I have always hated any form of change, good or bad. BUT I have come to realize that without change, you cannot grow. So therefore, I am grateful for change, and am grateful that I have the power to make certain things change, if I choose to.
I am grateful for...
1. My family, friends, therapist, and psychiatrist. They keep me sane. They point out what I need to see and need to do when everything seems to be going wrong. They have stood by my side no matter what. I would not be here today, without them
2. My dogs. It sounds silly, but my dogs Lucy and Sophie bring a smile to my face whenever I see them. Since they live with my parents, I don't get to see them as often as I would like. But there is nothing like the unconditional love of a dog. Sophie loves to snuggle up next to me and lick my face, and Lucy likes to run around the house and play chase. I love my dogs.
3. My jobs. Even though at times I cannot stand working, I am so very thankful to have 2 jobs, especially right now when unemployment is so high. Working keeps me grounded, it keeps my mind off things I shouldn't be thinking about, it takes up time that I would most likely use to do useless things like sleep and obsess. Most of the time I have a lot of fun with my co-workers, and I make enough money to get by and to afford the things I need.
4. Music. No matter what I am going through, good or bad, music is my second form of therapy. No, I don't play any instruments, but I have thousands of songs on my iPod and millions of CD's in my car. I listen to music whenever I get the chance. I love being able to relate to lyrics in songs, and relate them to whatever I have gone through or am going through. I love music that is silly and fun, but also music that is serious and thought provoking.
5. Laughter. I am probably most grateful for this one. Laughing is my favorite thing to do in the entire world. I can always laugh, no matter how crummy I feel. I am very fortunate to work with a group of people that crack me up, especially one guy...who can make me burst out laughing when all I feel like doing is crying. I watch the Ellen Degeneres show everyday, and that makes me laugh no matter what too.
6. Hugs. Seriously, what would the world be like without hugs? I love hugs, always have. Although I don't get as many as I like, I think at this point in time, I get enough. To me, getting or giving a hug is the ultimate gift. There are about 3 people in my life who regularly give me hugs. I am so thankful for them.
7. Running or any form of exercise. Nothing in my life has ever made me feel better than exercising. I was, and will be, an athlete all of my life. So for me to not have exercise in my life, is like taking away air. I currently run whenever I find the time, always take time to stretch when I wake up and before I go to bed, and am looking into taking dance classes or getting back into the gymnastics gym. I also want to run the 10k here in the Spring, and hopefully run a 5k before I do that.
8. The power of change. I can't believe I am putting this on a list of things I am grateful for, but I am. I have always hated any form of change, good or bad. BUT I have come to realize that without change, you cannot grow. So therefore, I am grateful for change, and am grateful that I have the power to make certain things change, if I choose to.
Friday, December 10, 2010
I feel a weakness
"It's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this. I feel a weakness coming on." - The Walk by Imogen Heap
Well, this post isn't going to be positive. Let me just say that from the beginning. I want it to be, but all I am feeling right now is negativity and frustration. I know I have the power to turn all my negative thoughts into positive ones, and maybe after writing this I will have the energy to do that, but not right now. I apologize if this is depressing, bleak, uninspiring, etc.
A good friend told me today that you can only recover from your eating disorder if you TRULY want to. She is 100% right. It got me thinking though, do I really want recovery? I think I'm on the fence, in between, however you want to say it. I think the healthy part of me wants it more than anything in the world, and knows that it's the right choice to make. But I think the sick, eating disordered part of me wants to hold onto ED as long and as strong as I can. I can't decide which part of me is stronger. Sometimes I hear one voice louder than the other. Today, I am hearing ED...loud and clear. But this also got me thinking (and I know this might sound absurd)...do I really have a problem with food? Instinct says YES. But what if, it's not ED that wants ED....but ME that wants ED? How do you know the difference?
I could go on and on about my eating disordered thoughts, behaviors, rituals, routines, etc. But that does not help. I have dealt with these things for years now. Some of them have lessened, others have gotten stronger. Yes, I have not purged in 3 months, which is the longest I have gone without purging since last Spring. This is progress. I can acknowledge that. But I still am destroying myself with starvation, bingeing, and body image distortion.
I thought today, maybe I need to see my dietitian again. But really, what is she going to tell me that I don't already know? Probably nothing. And even if I did need her, there is no way I could afford it, so I shot that one down right away. I know how to make a meal plan. I know how to eat 3 times a day. I know how to say no to ED. I still have my books and binders and journals from Remuda. I could reference back to them to get back on track, and maybe that is something I will take a look at. I have my knowledge from 7 years of therapy and seeing a dietitian. But when it comes down to it...and this is what sort of scares me...is that it is up to me and only me to say no to ED, and to make the choice to put 100% of myself into recovery. And most of all, I HAVE TO WANT IT. This is not some new revelation. I have known this for years. I know that no one can fix the problem. Yes, I have my therapist, my psychiatrist, the support of my friends to help me when things are hard. But I have to decide for me whether I want this or not.
If I eat 3 times a day, if I nourish my body and mind, if I turn every negative into a positive, if I dedicate myself to RECOVERY...I will be making the right decision, I will be a happier and healthier person, and life will go on. Right? I know this is all true. But damnit, it scares the hell out of me. It really does. I have wrapped myself up in my eating disorder for over 7 years. It has become a part of me, more a part of me that I want it to be. Without my eating disorder, who the fuck am I? Emmy said to me today that the eating disorder thoughts and behaviors are just a symptom of the disorder. What is causing me to fall back into my ED? That answer is easy. I could rattle off a list of things. And I guess I need to address those things...which I am doing. I am working very hard in therapy. But maybe not hard enough.
Each person's journey to recovery and recovering is individual, so it sort of pisses me off when people say, "Well if I can do it, so can you!" Not that anyone has said that to me recently, but when I see that or read that, I just get angry. My journey is my own. I can have influences along the way, but it is my life experiences, and my feelings, and my struggles and achievements that influence me and my life.
Right now the question in my head is...what do I do now? What choice am I going to make? Am I going to hang onto ED, or let it go? I remember a month ago when I decided I really wanted to recover from my eating disorder. But sadly that has slowly broken apart, and I am left in the same place I was before I made that decision. And it just hit me...am I in recovery? Am I truly and fully in recovery? Am I half-assing it? Why can't I just say, "Fuck you ED, I'm going to eat whatever I want to, nourish myself, and better myself and my life."
I do not feel strong when it comes to my eating disorder. I don't feel like I can say those things to it. I feel weak. As crazy as it is, tomorrow may be completely different and I could end up eating regular meals and feeling okay. But the next day, it could all go back to how it is now.
Either way, I feel a war.
I don't want to feel like this. I feel a weakness coming on." - The Walk by Imogen Heap
Well, this post isn't going to be positive. Let me just say that from the beginning. I want it to be, but all I am feeling right now is negativity and frustration. I know I have the power to turn all my negative thoughts into positive ones, and maybe after writing this I will have the energy to do that, but not right now. I apologize if this is depressing, bleak, uninspiring, etc.
A good friend told me today that you can only recover from your eating disorder if you TRULY want to. She is 100% right. It got me thinking though, do I really want recovery? I think I'm on the fence, in between, however you want to say it. I think the healthy part of me wants it more than anything in the world, and knows that it's the right choice to make. But I think the sick, eating disordered part of me wants to hold onto ED as long and as strong as I can. I can't decide which part of me is stronger. Sometimes I hear one voice louder than the other. Today, I am hearing ED...loud and clear. But this also got me thinking (and I know this might sound absurd)...do I really have a problem with food? Instinct says YES. But what if, it's not ED that wants ED....but ME that wants ED? How do you know the difference?
I could go on and on about my eating disordered thoughts, behaviors, rituals, routines, etc. But that does not help. I have dealt with these things for years now. Some of them have lessened, others have gotten stronger. Yes, I have not purged in 3 months, which is the longest I have gone without purging since last Spring. This is progress. I can acknowledge that. But I still am destroying myself with starvation, bingeing, and body image distortion.
I thought today, maybe I need to see my dietitian again. But really, what is she going to tell me that I don't already know? Probably nothing. And even if I did need her, there is no way I could afford it, so I shot that one down right away. I know how to make a meal plan. I know how to eat 3 times a day. I know how to say no to ED. I still have my books and binders and journals from Remuda. I could reference back to them to get back on track, and maybe that is something I will take a look at. I have my knowledge from 7 years of therapy and seeing a dietitian. But when it comes down to it...and this is what sort of scares me...is that it is up to me and only me to say no to ED, and to make the choice to put 100% of myself into recovery. And most of all, I HAVE TO WANT IT. This is not some new revelation. I have known this for years. I know that no one can fix the problem. Yes, I have my therapist, my psychiatrist, the support of my friends to help me when things are hard. But I have to decide for me whether I want this or not.
If I eat 3 times a day, if I nourish my body and mind, if I turn every negative into a positive, if I dedicate myself to RECOVERY...I will be making the right decision, I will be a happier and healthier person, and life will go on. Right? I know this is all true. But damnit, it scares the hell out of me. It really does. I have wrapped myself up in my eating disorder for over 7 years. It has become a part of me, more a part of me that I want it to be. Without my eating disorder, who the fuck am I? Emmy said to me today that the eating disorder thoughts and behaviors are just a symptom of the disorder. What is causing me to fall back into my ED? That answer is easy. I could rattle off a list of things. And I guess I need to address those things...which I am doing. I am working very hard in therapy. But maybe not hard enough.
Each person's journey to recovery and recovering is individual, so it sort of pisses me off when people say, "Well if I can do it, so can you!" Not that anyone has said that to me recently, but when I see that or read that, I just get angry. My journey is my own. I can have influences along the way, but it is my life experiences, and my feelings, and my struggles and achievements that influence me and my life.
Right now the question in my head is...what do I do now? What choice am I going to make? Am I going to hang onto ED, or let it go? I remember a month ago when I decided I really wanted to recover from my eating disorder. But sadly that has slowly broken apart, and I am left in the same place I was before I made that decision. And it just hit me...am I in recovery? Am I truly and fully in recovery? Am I half-assing it? Why can't I just say, "Fuck you ED, I'm going to eat whatever I want to, nourish myself, and better myself and my life."
I do not feel strong when it comes to my eating disorder. I don't feel like I can say those things to it. I feel weak. As crazy as it is, tomorrow may be completely different and I could end up eating regular meals and feeling okay. But the next day, it could all go back to how it is now.
Either way, I feel a war.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
confused.
I am having the hardest time writing this post. I am not sure why. Today would be considered a success, but I feel confused and left asking more questions than ever.
My mom came to therapy today. I disclosed the abuse to her, but it wasn't as dramatic and intense as I thought it was going to be. And really, it wasn't disclosing anything at all. I didn't tell her anything she didn't already know. It was actually very calm and peaceful. I never used the word abuse. I did not go into details. I asked my mom the questions I have been wanting to. I learned some things about that time that my mom remembers, but I do not. She knows what happened was not consensual. She knows whatever happened was wrong. And for now, that's all she needs to know.
After my mom came into talk, me and my therapist "de-briefed". I felt so relieved. I was so glad it went so well. I don't remember how it came up, but my therapist said something along the lines of..."there will be a time when you no longer have flashbacks, and this no longer consumes your life" I responded with..."there is such a thing???". She answered, "yes. you may have a memory come up from time to time, but you will be able to deal with it and it won't feel like it does now". I honestly did not think that...there is a life without flashbacks. I am serious. But when I think about it...for 10 years I didn't have flashbacks. For 10 years I suppressed it and did not think about it. But at the same time...I did not remember the bulk of the abuse. So...I was just left confused. Like, I have been talking about my abuse in therapy for over a year...does that mean that the flashbacks should be over by now? Does that mean that I need to move on? My therapist said, " You have remembered so many horrible things, and now you have to have power again, take that power back". I believe I have remembered all I am going to remember about the abuse. And yes, the flashbacks are not as frequent or intense as they were a year ago...but where do I go now? Where do I go from here?
I feel sick to my stomach thinking about it. Everything about this feels so complicated. I know I have made considerable progress, but I also know I still have a long way to go. But what does that look like, and how do I do it? I have so many questions.
Do I still need to forgive him?
Do I need to visit the place where it happened to have closure?
Do I still need to get so angry at him that I break things?
How do I forgive myself?
When will I cry about it?
Who should I tell?
How long will all of this take?
Le sigh. I am confused.
My mom came to therapy today. I disclosed the abuse to her, but it wasn't as dramatic and intense as I thought it was going to be. And really, it wasn't disclosing anything at all. I didn't tell her anything she didn't already know. It was actually very calm and peaceful. I never used the word abuse. I did not go into details. I asked my mom the questions I have been wanting to. I learned some things about that time that my mom remembers, but I do not. She knows what happened was not consensual. She knows whatever happened was wrong. And for now, that's all she needs to know.
After my mom came into talk, me and my therapist "de-briefed". I felt so relieved. I was so glad it went so well. I don't remember how it came up, but my therapist said something along the lines of..."there will be a time when you no longer have flashbacks, and this no longer consumes your life" I responded with..."there is such a thing???". She answered, "yes. you may have a memory come up from time to time, but you will be able to deal with it and it won't feel like it does now". I honestly did not think that...there is a life without flashbacks. I am serious. But when I think about it...for 10 years I didn't have flashbacks. For 10 years I suppressed it and did not think about it. But at the same time...I did not remember the bulk of the abuse. So...I was just left confused. Like, I have been talking about my abuse in therapy for over a year...does that mean that the flashbacks should be over by now? Does that mean that I need to move on? My therapist said, " You have remembered so many horrible things, and now you have to have power again, take that power back". I believe I have remembered all I am going to remember about the abuse. And yes, the flashbacks are not as frequent or intense as they were a year ago...but where do I go now? Where do I go from here?
I feel sick to my stomach thinking about it. Everything about this feels so complicated. I know I have made considerable progress, but I also know I still have a long way to go. But what does that look like, and how do I do it? I have so many questions.
Do I still need to forgive him?
Do I need to visit the place where it happened to have closure?
Do I still need to get so angry at him that I break things?
How do I forgive myself?
When will I cry about it?
Who should I tell?
How long will all of this take?
Le sigh. I am confused.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
despite the dark, there is light.
I just got done making Christmas cookies, putting up ornaments on the family Christmas tree...all while listening to Christmas music. This is SO my favorite time of the year. I have a Christmas-y name (Holly). But no, I wasn't born in December, I was born in July. Anyway, I got pretty emotional doing all of these things today. It reminded me a lot of my childhood. I have so many good memories surrounding this time of year, and for some reason it just got me choked up.
But anyway, last night I promised a positive post today. So here it is.
I was talking with my amazing friend Em last night. We were talking about our struggles, how hard things seem to be for us, and how it just sucks so much. I know...pretty negative sounding right? Wrong. I love talking to this girl, no matter how bad or good things are going. I do not feel alone when I am talking to her. I feel so connected. Ever since Em has been in my life, I have grown so much. I feel like I'm a better person. I know she cares about me so much, and I care about her SO much. It sucks she lives so damn far away, otherwise I think we would be inseparable. She has to come visit me, I mean there is no other option. I have to meet this girl and give her the biggest hug in the world. I feel brave when I talk to Em. I feel strong. I don't feel alone. I feel comforted. I feel loved. I love you Em. I know we can get through this journey together. Even though we are miles apart, I feel as though she is right beside me. I told her last night that she is a part of me, a part of my heart. So true. I meant every word of it.
Someone else in my life who means a lot to me is "K". I have written about her before. Thankfully "K" lives in my town, so she is just a car ride away. I love this woman. Seriously, I have never been this close to someone before and I am in awe of how much she cares about me and wants to be there for me and help me and support me. She is constantly encouraging me to be positive. I find that so hard sometimes, but I am trying...I really am. And I think it's working. I feel inspired by her, by her journey. And I wish I could carry her with me every where I go. As with Em, I feel connected to "K". I feel brave and strong and like I can beat ED and heal from my traumas. How am I so lucky to have two such amazing people in my life? How do I deserve this?
Yesterday was a pretty big day for me. I so desperately wanted to let ED take over and not eat a damn thing all day long. But I ate. I ate two meals. I was hungry, and I listened to that hunger. It was a big deal for me. 99% of the time I completely ignore my hunger. The hunger eventually goes away...because I just ignore it, or eat some anorexic type food. But I ate like a semi normal person yesterday. And even though I was filled with anxiety while eating, even though I really did not like it, or enjoy the food, or even taste it...I ate anyway. So, to me this is big. I just need to be consistent with it. And I somehow need do this every single day until it gets easier, and ED fades away. I can do it.
I think....despite everything I have been through, everything I have done to destroy myself...I am still here. Holly is still inside me somewhere. The girl I was before all of this is not gone, even though I have tried so hard to become someone I'm not. There are pieces of me that remain from when I was 10-11. And along the way, I have found new and exciting pieces of me. Despite the dark and depressing part of my life, there is a light that shines. At times it has faded, but never disappeared. I have to hold on to that light, remember it when things get so bad that I just want to end it and give up. I have the power to be who I truly want to be and am meant to be. No one can fix me or change me. It's up to me. Despite the dark, there is light...no matter what.
But anyway, last night I promised a positive post today. So here it is.
I was talking with my amazing friend Em last night. We were talking about our struggles, how hard things seem to be for us, and how it just sucks so much. I know...pretty negative sounding right? Wrong. I love talking to this girl, no matter how bad or good things are going. I do not feel alone when I am talking to her. I feel so connected. Ever since Em has been in my life, I have grown so much. I feel like I'm a better person. I know she cares about me so much, and I care about her SO much. It sucks she lives so damn far away, otherwise I think we would be inseparable. She has to come visit me, I mean there is no other option. I have to meet this girl and give her the biggest hug in the world. I feel brave when I talk to Em. I feel strong. I don't feel alone. I feel comforted. I feel loved. I love you Em. I know we can get through this journey together. Even though we are miles apart, I feel as though she is right beside me. I told her last night that she is a part of me, a part of my heart. So true. I meant every word of it.
Someone else in my life who means a lot to me is "K". I have written about her before. Thankfully "K" lives in my town, so she is just a car ride away. I love this woman. Seriously, I have never been this close to someone before and I am in awe of how much she cares about me and wants to be there for me and help me and support me. She is constantly encouraging me to be positive. I find that so hard sometimes, but I am trying...I really am. And I think it's working. I feel inspired by her, by her journey. And I wish I could carry her with me every where I go. As with Em, I feel connected to "K". I feel brave and strong and like I can beat ED and heal from my traumas. How am I so lucky to have two such amazing people in my life? How do I deserve this?
Yesterday was a pretty big day for me. I so desperately wanted to let ED take over and not eat a damn thing all day long. But I ate. I ate two meals. I was hungry, and I listened to that hunger. It was a big deal for me. 99% of the time I completely ignore my hunger. The hunger eventually goes away...because I just ignore it, or eat some anorexic type food. But I ate like a semi normal person yesterday. And even though I was filled with anxiety while eating, even though I really did not like it, or enjoy the food, or even taste it...I ate anyway. So, to me this is big. I just need to be consistent with it. And I somehow need do this every single day until it gets easier, and ED fades away. I can do it.
I think....despite everything I have been through, everything I have done to destroy myself...I am still here. Holly is still inside me somewhere. The girl I was before all of this is not gone, even though I have tried so hard to become someone I'm not. There are pieces of me that remain from when I was 10-11. And along the way, I have found new and exciting pieces of me. Despite the dark and depressing part of my life, there is a light that shines. At times it has faded, but never disappeared. I have to hold on to that light, remember it when things get so bad that I just want to end it and give up. I have the power to be who I truly want to be and am meant to be. No one can fix me or change me. It's up to me. Despite the dark, there is light...no matter what.
Monday, December 6, 2010
the picture
So, this is the picture I was talking about in my last post. This was on my last day at Remuda. I love this picture. The picture is sort of blurry, but to me...I can tell I am glowing. My cheeks are red. I am tan from the Arizona sun. I am smiling...a real smile. Inside I was sad to be leaving my girls and the staff, but I felt free. I look at my body...I think I look good. I look healthy. I look secure in my skin. I wish you could see my eyes better, but I know they were glowing too. Maybe it's the way the sun was hitting us when the picture was taken, but I see light radiating off me. I feel warm inside when I see this picture. I feel peace and I feel hope. I am 100% healthy in this picture. I am 100% nourished. It is possible again, to get back there. I was 15 years old in this picture. I was so young, when I think about it. I have grown so much since then, but in so many ways...fallen back so far into my ED. I need to grow again, and stay there.I have another blog post I want to write. But I will save it for tomorrow. It is a much more positive post, more positive than the ones I have been writing.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Hello ED
I don't really blog about my eating disorder that often because....well sometimes I think it's boring. I hate thinking about it. And I also think sometimes I am in a little bit of denial about it. But, my eating disorder is always on my mind. It is always there...whether it's acting on out behaviors or not...it is always there. I have found that in times of great stress, anxiety, and over all confusion...is when I think about it the most. Totally makes sense right? I mean, it's my crutch. It's my "friend". It's my go-to thing when things are too tough to deal with in a healthy way.
I made a commitment a few weeks ago to truly and really move forward with my eating disorder recovery. And I still am standing by that. But lately I have been discouraged. ED was hiding away for a little while, and now he's back.
Has anyone seen that documentary THIN that HBO did several years back? Do you remember the girl Brittney? Do you remember when she is screaming and crying in group, "I just want to be thin! I want to be skinny! God please make me thin!" I feel like that ALL the time. Every person in the world will tell me I am already thin. But for me...not thin enough. I am small...well, I'm short. I'm 4'11'' and muscular. But to me...I am not thin. So, I was thinking about that a lot today and ED pops up in my brain and says..."Okay, so you want to be thin? Don't eat for 3 days." I said, "Deal". I mean...a little over a year ago I weighed 10 lbs less than I do now. I can get back there again, right? But when I think about it realistically...how did I feel emotionally when I weighed 10 lbs less, how did I feel physically? Well, I felt like shit. I lost my job because of it. But, it's crazy...ED is SO powerful. I REALLY want to lose 10 lbs. I really do. It would make me feel better. I truly believe that....even though I can look back to a year ago and remember how shitty things were.
I really want to not eat. And I really want to purge what I do eat. And I really want to run more than I need to. But here's the clincher...will I? Will I give into ED? Or will I fight and do what I know is right, and take care of myself, my body, and my mind?
Here's the thing. I'm scared of losing ED. Without it...Holly = nothing. Lies or truth?
I remember the day I was discharged from Remuda Ranch. It was May 11, 2004. I felt good about my body. I didn't hear ED. I felt beautiful. I loved the way I looked. I look at pictures from that day and still love the way I look then. I am glowing in those pictures. If only I could get back to that place...that mind-set.
This is probably one of the most honest posts I have ever written. I am a little nervous about posting it because, I feel selfish and annoying. I'm afraid I am triggering. But it is how I feel. I need to be honest.
I know I need to move forward. Backwards motion is dangerous territory for me and it gets me no where. How do you fight off those really loud and obnoxious ED voices? And how do you know that without ED...you are someone and something?
I made a commitment a few weeks ago to truly and really move forward with my eating disorder recovery. And I still am standing by that. But lately I have been discouraged. ED was hiding away for a little while, and now he's back.
Has anyone seen that documentary THIN that HBO did several years back? Do you remember the girl Brittney? Do you remember when she is screaming and crying in group, "I just want to be thin! I want to be skinny! God please make me thin!" I feel like that ALL the time. Every person in the world will tell me I am already thin. But for me...not thin enough. I am small...well, I'm short. I'm 4'11'' and muscular. But to me...I am not thin. So, I was thinking about that a lot today and ED pops up in my brain and says..."Okay, so you want to be thin? Don't eat for 3 days." I said, "Deal". I mean...a little over a year ago I weighed 10 lbs less than I do now. I can get back there again, right? But when I think about it realistically...how did I feel emotionally when I weighed 10 lbs less, how did I feel physically? Well, I felt like shit. I lost my job because of it. But, it's crazy...ED is SO powerful. I REALLY want to lose 10 lbs. I really do. It would make me feel better. I truly believe that....even though I can look back to a year ago and remember how shitty things were.
I really want to not eat. And I really want to purge what I do eat. And I really want to run more than I need to. But here's the clincher...will I? Will I give into ED? Or will I fight and do what I know is right, and take care of myself, my body, and my mind?
Here's the thing. I'm scared of losing ED. Without it...Holly = nothing. Lies or truth?
I remember the day I was discharged from Remuda Ranch. It was May 11, 2004. I felt good about my body. I didn't hear ED. I felt beautiful. I loved the way I looked. I look at pictures from that day and still love the way I look then. I am glowing in those pictures. If only I could get back to that place...that mind-set.
This is probably one of the most honest posts I have ever written. I am a little nervous about posting it because, I feel selfish and annoying. I'm afraid I am triggering. But it is how I feel. I need to be honest.
I know I need to move forward. Backwards motion is dangerous territory for me and it gets me no where. How do you fight off those really loud and obnoxious ED voices? And how do you know that without ED...you are someone and something?
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Power and Healing.
So today, well yesterday actually (it's 2am). I stopped by to see a very dear friend on my way to work. I have grown close to this person over the past few weeks and I am so thankful to have her in my life. So anyway, I stopped by to see her and have one of our talks (which I always love) and of course to get a hug.
I shared some things with her about my past, things I thought I would take to my grave. Now, I never thought that opening up about my traumatic past and sharing it with someone would make me closer to someone. But it has. I thought it would push people away, push me away. But it has done the opposite. Each time I share a part of my story, a piece of my memory, anything I am feeling...I feel connected to the person. I feel better. I feel less alone and less isolated each and every time. I expected many things in my healing process...but never this. Because I have been able to open up about my traumas, I have grown closer to two very special people in my life. (You know who you are). Today, when I was telling one of them about some of what happened to me...I let everything go. I let go of the shame, the fear, the coldness, and the isolation. I let go and embraced my friend's comfort and loving arms. On her office floor, her holding me, me feeling SAFE and LOVED and NOT ALONE...was so healing to me. I cannot find a better way to describe it than healing. It was amazing. She sent me a text later on telling me how proud she was of me and how much closer she felt towards me. That's when I realized...sharing my story, sharing who I am, and letting go of all the ugly and bad feelings...opens me up to new relationships and healing and hope. I am so glad I am experiencing this.
Another friend shared with me yesterday how she told a group of supportive people about what happened to her in her past, and how freeing and healing it was for her. Today I feel I have experienced the same thing. She encouraged me to do the same thing she had done, and I did.
Thanks Em.
There is so much left in my healing process, but today (okay yesterday) I connected a lot of the pieces for the first time. It wasn't scary. It was safe.
My therapist has said to me a couple times, "By not saying his name, by not speaking up about what he did to you...that gives him the power. But when you speak up, when you remember, share your memories, and talk about it...that is you taking the power back. That is you in control of you and your life."
Today I believed that and FELT it...for the first time.
I shared some things with her about my past, things I thought I would take to my grave. Now, I never thought that opening up about my traumatic past and sharing it with someone would make me closer to someone. But it has. I thought it would push people away, push me away. But it has done the opposite. Each time I share a part of my story, a piece of my memory, anything I am feeling...I feel connected to the person. I feel better. I feel less alone and less isolated each and every time. I expected many things in my healing process...but never this. Because I have been able to open up about my traumas, I have grown closer to two very special people in my life. (You know who you are). Today, when I was telling one of them about some of what happened to me...I let everything go. I let go of the shame, the fear, the coldness, and the isolation. I let go and embraced my friend's comfort and loving arms. On her office floor, her holding me, me feeling SAFE and LOVED and NOT ALONE...was so healing to me. I cannot find a better way to describe it than healing. It was amazing. She sent me a text later on telling me how proud she was of me and how much closer she felt towards me. That's when I realized...sharing my story, sharing who I am, and letting go of all the ugly and bad feelings...opens me up to new relationships and healing and hope. I am so glad I am experiencing this.
Another friend shared with me yesterday how she told a group of supportive people about what happened to her in her past, and how freeing and healing it was for her. Today I feel I have experienced the same thing. She encouraged me to do the same thing she had done, and I did.
Thanks Em.
There is so much left in my healing process, but today (okay yesterday) I connected a lot of the pieces for the first time. It wasn't scary. It was safe.
My therapist has said to me a couple times, "By not saying his name, by not speaking up about what he did to you...that gives him the power. But when you speak up, when you remember, share your memories, and talk about it...that is you taking the power back. That is you in control of you and your life."
Today I believed that and FELT it...for the first time.
Friday, December 3, 2010
To be expected
The days after an intense therapy session are always rough, and this is to be expected. I know this. I deal with it often. But it still gets to me. The amount of emotions, and how powerful and overwhelming they are hit me like a truck. I feel depressed and super anxious in the days following therapy.
Today has been especially rough. Even though my anxiety was sky high and consuming, I was able to eat 2 meals today ( I even had dessert at dinner!). So I am proud of myself for that...for fighting my eating disorder. Yes, the thoughts and the voices were there, oh boy were they ever. But I fought through it. I nourished my body and my mind. The fact that I can fight them off, eat when ED is telling me not too, keep my food down when ED is telling me to purge...assures me that I can continue to do that, to keep fighting.
Right now, the anxiety is overwhelming. I feel uncomfortable in my body. I feel unsafe in my body. I feel disgusting. I feel...like I need to break out. I feel like I am trapped inside a skin that is not my own. I need to reconnect with my body. Bubble bath time? I think so.
My mom is coming to therapy next week. I neglected to write about that on my last post. Actually I chose not to. I just did not want to get into it, still really don't. But she is coming, and I'm nervous, but also somewhat excited and relieved? I want to be open with her, and honest (something I am not very good at doing with my mom). I also want to hear her side of things. I just need to figure out which way to approach the session...I have a few different options.
Anyway, I am freezing my ass of sitting here writing this. I need to take a bath, put on my fleece pajamas, put in a Christmas movie, and just...be. It's supposed to snow tonight...I hope it does!
I will leave you with this quote I took from an Alanis Morissette song
"And though who I know who I'm not, I still don't know who I am, but I know I won't keep on playing the victim." - Precious Illusions
Today has been especially rough. Even though my anxiety was sky high and consuming, I was able to eat 2 meals today ( I even had dessert at dinner!). So I am proud of myself for that...for fighting my eating disorder. Yes, the thoughts and the voices were there, oh boy were they ever. But I fought through it. I nourished my body and my mind. The fact that I can fight them off, eat when ED is telling me not too, keep my food down when ED is telling me to purge...assures me that I can continue to do that, to keep fighting.
Right now, the anxiety is overwhelming. I feel uncomfortable in my body. I feel unsafe in my body. I feel disgusting. I feel...like I need to break out. I feel like I am trapped inside a skin that is not my own. I need to reconnect with my body. Bubble bath time? I think so.
My mom is coming to therapy next week. I neglected to write about that on my last post. Actually I chose not to. I just did not want to get into it, still really don't. But she is coming, and I'm nervous, but also somewhat excited and relieved? I want to be open with her, and honest (something I am not very good at doing with my mom). I also want to hear her side of things. I just need to figure out which way to approach the session...I have a few different options.
Anyway, I am freezing my ass of sitting here writing this. I need to take a bath, put on my fleece pajamas, put in a Christmas movie, and just...be. It's supposed to snow tonight...I hope it does!
I will leave you with this quote I took from an Alanis Morissette song
"And though who I know who I'm not, I still don't know who I am, but I know I won't keep on playing the victim." - Precious Illusions
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Overload.
Right now I really have the urge to write. To put my feelings onto this blog, to express myself, to use my words. And I am going to. It might not make sense. I feel such an abundance of feelings in this moment, and I am not quite sure how to sort it all out and compartmentalize it.
Today was hard. Therapy was so intense, so difficult. Strangely, I was not as anxious about it as I usually am. I had a sort of calmness wash over me when I walked into her office and sat on the couch. I talked of things today that have been haunting me for days now. I put the intense flashbacks into words and as hard and exhausting as it was, I felt better and relieved after letting it out. My therapist asked me a question pertaining to my abuse today. My answer to the question was yes. I am not going to put the question on my blog, because it is too private and also too shameful to share. I know I am not alone in it. But to admit it, to acknowledge it...made it more real. But I guess when you acknowledge something for the first time, it always makes it more real. But with this, I want nothing more than to take an eraser and just say..."no this did not happen". I cannot change it though. I cannot erase it. I can only deal with it now and move forward. I was able to talk about a lot today, memories that is. Some things though, I had to say..."I can't" And that was okay with my therapist, and that was okay with me. Sometimes it is too much and I need to protect myself.
It was a very productive session. I did good work, as my therapist told me. And I believe her, I truly do. I felt a sense of relief and...emotional purge. I came home and my mind and body shut down and I knew that I needed to rest. I was drained. So I crawled under the covers of my bed and instead of closing my eyes and falling asleep right away, I closed my eyes and cried. And cried, and cried. I still am not sure why I cried. I just felt like I needed to. I tried to figure out what I was feeling. Mostly sadness, and loneliness. There was some anger in there too, along with exhaustion and just the feeling of...this really happened to me. It's too much to bear sometimes. The tears streamed down my face and my eye makeup stained my pillows, but I did not care. I was letting out emotion that I force myself to bottle up and deny. I needed to get it out.
Even though I cried for at least a half hour and then slept for 3 1/2 hours. I am still exhausted. And I still feel as though I have a heavy chest. I want to cry more. But I am afraid I will not stop.
At the age of 11, I was experiencing the exact opposite of comfort, love, safety, and compassion. Ever since then I have had a craving for physical comfort, of hugs, of being held. I know it all connects back to 10 years ago. Will it go away? I am a 22 year old woman, but I need someone to hold me. I need you to hold me ( I don't know who I am talking to, am I crazy?)
I could write for hours and hours about how I feel. It is SO much. I mean, really...so much.
I vow to stay positive. To remember tomorrow is a new day, and that I can do this. I will remember to breathe. I will allow myself to feel when it is appropriate. I will reach out for help when I need it. I can do this.
My mind is on overload. Time for a break. Bubble bath and hot tea are calling my name.
Today was hard. Therapy was so intense, so difficult. Strangely, I was not as anxious about it as I usually am. I had a sort of calmness wash over me when I walked into her office and sat on the couch. I talked of things today that have been haunting me for days now. I put the intense flashbacks into words and as hard and exhausting as it was, I felt better and relieved after letting it out. My therapist asked me a question pertaining to my abuse today. My answer to the question was yes. I am not going to put the question on my blog, because it is too private and also too shameful to share. I know I am not alone in it. But to admit it, to acknowledge it...made it more real. But I guess when you acknowledge something for the first time, it always makes it more real. But with this, I want nothing more than to take an eraser and just say..."no this did not happen". I cannot change it though. I cannot erase it. I can only deal with it now and move forward. I was able to talk about a lot today, memories that is. Some things though, I had to say..."I can't" And that was okay with my therapist, and that was okay with me. Sometimes it is too much and I need to protect myself.
It was a very productive session. I did good work, as my therapist told me. And I believe her, I truly do. I felt a sense of relief and...emotional purge. I came home and my mind and body shut down and I knew that I needed to rest. I was drained. So I crawled under the covers of my bed and instead of closing my eyes and falling asleep right away, I closed my eyes and cried. And cried, and cried. I still am not sure why I cried. I just felt like I needed to. I tried to figure out what I was feeling. Mostly sadness, and loneliness. There was some anger in there too, along with exhaustion and just the feeling of...this really happened to me. It's too much to bear sometimes. The tears streamed down my face and my eye makeup stained my pillows, but I did not care. I was letting out emotion that I force myself to bottle up and deny. I needed to get it out.
Even though I cried for at least a half hour and then slept for 3 1/2 hours. I am still exhausted. And I still feel as though I have a heavy chest. I want to cry more. But I am afraid I will not stop.
At the age of 11, I was experiencing the exact opposite of comfort, love, safety, and compassion. Ever since then I have had a craving for physical comfort, of hugs, of being held. I know it all connects back to 10 years ago. Will it go away? I am a 22 year old woman, but I need someone to hold me. I need you to hold me ( I don't know who I am talking to, am I crazy?)
I could write for hours and hours about how I feel. It is SO much. I mean, really...so much.
I vow to stay positive. To remember tomorrow is a new day, and that I can do this. I will remember to breathe. I will allow myself to feel when it is appropriate. I will reach out for help when I need it. I can do this.
My mind is on overload. Time for a break. Bubble bath and hot tea are calling my name.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
detached
I feel so detached from life, from what's happening around me. My brain and my body are two separate parts. I have been having the most intense flashbacks the past few days. They have never been like this. I close my eyes and it's just everywhere. I try and do my grounding, to stay in the present, both feet on the floor, hands on my knees...but it doesn't work like it used to. When it does work, it feels like it takes forever for me to get back to a safe and grounded place. My body has violent trembles and spasms. And then I just start sobbing, but no tears come out. I feel empty inside, an incredible void. I feel alone and unloved. I hurt my body because, well it feels better than what I feel inside.
I am on Day 2 of no cutting and I intend to keep it that way. My therapist told me I have the power to direct my thoughts. I know I do. But what do you do with that anxiety, panic filled, heart racing, I feel like I'm going to die feeling? It comes out of nowhere and hits me like a truck. And the the tapes start playing in my head, and it's like...someone please just put me out of my misery.
I am miserable at one of my jobs, absolutely miserable. I am miserable enough to start applying for other jobs. I hate the gossip there, they way I am treated, the things it reminds me of, the food, the stress, the exhaustion that sets in the moment I walk through the doors. I am done. Today I start applying for new jobs.
I woke up this morning and I did not feel like a 22 year old woman. I felt like an 11 year old little girl. I sat up in my bed and could not move. I could not get my brain to tell my body to get out of bed, shower, and get dressed for work. Somehow I did it. But now I am off to 1 of 2 jobs I have to work today. And how to get through this day? I do not know. I guess to just keep breathing. Deep breaths. That's all I can do. Stay positive, live in the moment, and move forward. I will be okay. I will survive.
I hate this "emergency state" I am in. I want to come back down to earth now.
I am on Day 2 of no cutting and I intend to keep it that way. My therapist told me I have the power to direct my thoughts. I know I do. But what do you do with that anxiety, panic filled, heart racing, I feel like I'm going to die feeling? It comes out of nowhere and hits me like a truck. And the the tapes start playing in my head, and it's like...someone please just put me out of my misery.
I am miserable at one of my jobs, absolutely miserable. I am miserable enough to start applying for other jobs. I hate the gossip there, they way I am treated, the things it reminds me of, the food, the stress, the exhaustion that sets in the moment I walk through the doors. I am done. Today I start applying for new jobs.
I woke up this morning and I did not feel like a 22 year old woman. I felt like an 11 year old little girl. I sat up in my bed and could not move. I could not get my brain to tell my body to get out of bed, shower, and get dressed for work. Somehow I did it. But now I am off to 1 of 2 jobs I have to work today. And how to get through this day? I do not know. I guess to just keep breathing. Deep breaths. That's all I can do. Stay positive, live in the moment, and move forward. I will be okay. I will survive.
I hate this "emergency state" I am in. I want to come back down to earth now.
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