Bulimia.

*Warning. This post has the potential to be triggering. I do not use numbers. But if you are easily triggered by talk of bulimia, you should not read this post.*


I've had my eating disorder for 9 years. For the majority of those years, I struggled with anorexia. However, the past 3-4 years I came into the grips of bulimia. I am writing this blog post to explore why and how bulimia has been more effective for me, in terms of my disease, not my life. I want to preface this by saying that I am currently 10 months purge free.

Bulimia for me was/is all about comfort and safety and control. In particular, the rituals that I had surrounding my binge/purge episodes. There was this huge build up of anticipation when planning and carrying out my binges and purges. I almost want to say I glorified it in my mind. But bulimia is not glamorous or fun. Bulimia was so addictive for me. It was my crutch, my escape. I did it with so much secrecy, that it was almost was like this secret friend I had that I couldn't imagine living without. I know that if I relapsed with bulimia, it would be a hard and fast fall. While I'm not purging, I still think about it quite often. I still plan out binges in my head. I still remember the the rituals I had. It brings me comfort and safety just thinking about it and seeing it in my head. The foods I used to binge/purge on, were mainly fast food types of things. I realize that I haven't eaten my favorite fast food since February, the last time I binged/purged.
I figured out something out in therapy last week. I've always felt that safety and comfort have been lacking in my life, for as long as I can remember. And I really believe that's one of the main reasons I turned to my eating disorder. And even today, I struggle with these things. And I have noticed that when I am having an especially hard time with those feelings, that I have more bulimia centered thoughts and urges.

I think this is definitely something to explore in therapy. Obviously I need to find healthy ways to get comfort and safety. I think having more friends would help, but that also feels unsafe to me. It's complicated.
Anyway, that's my thought for the night.