Me, Myself, and Time.

Song of the day: Me, Myself, and Time by Demi Lovato
And I know that everything will be fine with me, myself, and time.

I have been thinking (and feeling) a lot today. I think I kind of figured out the cause of my sadness. I'm beginning to think it's more depression than it is sadness. I have had little to no motivation over the past week or two. I have piles of dirty laundry in my room that I have given little thought to. I have SO much Christmas shopping to do, yet at the end of the day when I get off work, shopping is the last thing I want to do. I just feel kind of blank, empty, and stale. I cried today and tonight for the first time in a long time. It was the result of a combination of many different feelings and thoughts. I have realized how lonely I am. Aside from my friends from treatment (who are the best friends ever), I have no friends my age. My friends from treatment live 1-2 hours away. And really, I don't have that much desire to go out with people my age. I've never been into drinking, partying, bar hopping...none of that. But I feel like that's what most people my age do. I don't know anyone my age. It sounds stupid, but I don't know how to meet them. Yes, there is always Meetup.com. But again, here's where my lack of motivation comes in. It's pathetic. Why am I SO afraid to be social and have fun with other people? I have tons of social anxiety. I have had it for as long as I can remember. I don't know how to break through that. And also, as much as I love my friends from treatment, I don't want all of my friends to have eating disorders, you know? I know there is so much more to me than that. I also would really love to have a boyfriend. But, that's a different story.
I'm not happy with my living situation. But I can't get out of it until my sister finds another roommate. I am terrified of how long that will take. As scared as I am of moving, if I could move out tomorrow, I would do in a heartbeat.

My group leader called this morning to talk about something I emailed her earlier in the week. I don't want to divulge the details because I want to respect the confidentiality of my fellow group members. But it was really great to talk to her and have her basically tell me things I needed to hear and remind myself of. That I am doing this, I am moving forward, I am not using behaviors. That I am going to be okay. I started crying while talking to her because...I guess because first of all I am so grateful for her and it just warmed my heart to hear how much she cares about me. And then secondly, I just realized how sad I was and it was overwhelming.

Throughout all of this, I am so very grateful for my friend Em. She has been there for me so much this past year, and especially the past few days. I love this girl so much. I swear it's like we should have been sisters. I hate that she lives so far away. She gives me so much strength. I love you Em.

Food is...kind of a struggle right now. And that scares me. In fact, thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. I can't go there right now. Maybe I will write about it later.

I guess that's all I have to say. I am really tired. I'm going to get in bed and read.