Things aren't going that great. I feel myself slipping. And I just feel like it's happened so fast. Just within the past week and a half. I have felt my depression come back. Probably the most depressed that I've been since February. I just want to clarify thought, I am NOT suicidal, nor do I feel like I'm anywhere close to feeling that way. But, I have had increased urges to self-harm (although I have not succumbed to these urges). I just feel sooo like, uncomfortable. I want to sit in the shower all long. I feel gross. And, I really am not sure where these intense feelings are coming from, and maybe that's what bothers me the most. It's like, why can't I just snap out of it? I have a hunch that it's just the upcoming holiday that is making me feel this way. I love Christmas, but I always seem to get really, really sad and depressed this time of year. So maybe I just have to get past Christmas, and I will be okay. But then after Christmas comes the coldest two months of the year. It makes me cold just thinking about it.
Because of this depression, I have been back sliding with food lately. It's weird though, when I'm eating in the moment, I am not focusing on what I'm eating. I'm not "mindfully eating" as therapist and dietitians like to say. But when I think about the past couple of weeks, I can see how I have not been eating as much as I should. I get so anxious about food, and then I just block it out. I have had increased urges to purge too. Haven't done it though, and I don't plan too either. It just sucks, man. I hate eating disorders. I still want recovery, so so much and still feel like I am fighting for it. But right now I feel like I don't have as much fight in me as I used to, and it would be SO easy to go back to skipping 2-3 meals a day and bingeing and purging.
So, I see my therapist on Thursday and I'm nervous and excited about that. I can't wait to talk all of this out, but I'm also anxious as to what her opinion will be about all of this.
That's all I got for now. My sleep meds are kicking in.
Breaks my heart to read this post, Holly :(
ReplyDeleteYou need to hold in there and talk to your team like you're planning on doing. You're keeping strong and not acting on your urges, but I know that must be next to impossible for you.
Keep thinking of all the progress you have made and use that as motivation to hold on. Don't think of the upcoming months as the coldest of the year; think of them as the point that marks ONE YEAR into recovery. That is AMAZING!!!!!!!!
I love you so much and do not hesitate to call me if you need to talk.
i hope you are doing okay <3
ReplyDeletesorry that things are hard right now... sometimes we fall into these periods in recovery but it doesn't mean you don't want recovery - you're just going through a rough spot. please don't let this discourage you because you WILL break free from it... you have in the past and you will again. Just do the best you can and be gentle with yourself and "this too shall pass."