Me, Myself, and Time.

Song of the day: Me, Myself, and Time by Demi Lovato
And I know that everything will be fine with me, myself, and time.

I have been thinking (and feeling) a lot today. I think I kind of figured out the cause of my sadness. I'm beginning to think it's more depression than it is sadness. I have had little to no motivation over the past week or two. I have piles of dirty laundry in my room that I have given little thought to. I have SO much Christmas shopping to do, yet at the end of the day when I get off work, shopping is the last thing I want to do. I just feel kind of blank, empty, and stale. I cried today and tonight for the first time in a long time. It was the result of a combination of many different feelings and thoughts. I have realized how lonely I am. Aside from my friends from treatment (who are the best friends ever), I have no friends my age. My friends from treatment live 1-2 hours away. And really, I don't have that much desire to go out with people my age. I've never been into drinking, partying, bar hopping...none of that. But I feel like that's what most people my age do. I don't know anyone my age. It sounds stupid, but I don't know how to meet them. Yes, there is always Meetup.com. But again, here's where my lack of motivation comes in. It's pathetic. Why am I SO afraid to be social and have fun with other people? I have tons of social anxiety. I have had it for as long as I can remember. I don't know how to break through that. And also, as much as I love my friends from treatment, I don't want all of my friends to have eating disorders, you know? I know there is so much more to me than that. I also would really love to have a boyfriend. But, that's a different story.
I'm not happy with my living situation. But I can't get out of it until my sister finds another roommate. I am terrified of how long that will take. As scared as I am of moving, if I could move out tomorrow, I would do in a heartbeat.

My group leader called this morning to talk about something I emailed her earlier in the week. I don't want to divulge the details because I want to respect the confidentiality of my fellow group members. But it was really great to talk to her and have her basically tell me things I needed to hear and remind myself of. That I am doing this, I am moving forward, I am not using behaviors. That I am going to be okay. I started crying while talking to her because...I guess because first of all I am so grateful for her and it just warmed my heart to hear how much she cares about me. And then secondly, I just realized how sad I was and it was overwhelming.

Throughout all of this, I am so very grateful for my friend Em. She has been there for me so much this past year, and especially the past few days. I love this girl so much. I swear it's like we should have been sisters. I hate that she lives so far away. She gives me so much strength. I love you Em.

Food is...kind of a struggle right now. And that scares me. In fact, thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. I can't go there right now. Maybe I will write about it later.

I guess that's all I have to say. I am really tired. I'm going to get in bed and read.

rain

Today started off pretty great. I met with my minister this morning. I was pretty nervous going into it, but I took a lot of deep breaths and I turned out okay. We had a really great discussion. I caught him up on my life and how my recovery is going. It was good to be reminded of how well I am doing, and how far I have come. From being on death's door 8 months ago, to now being alive in every sense of the word.

Work at the restaurant was stupid today. The customers have been so bitchy and rude lately. And I hate being the person that takes all their crap. All of the servers were so pissed off about how rude the customers were today. It was just an annoying shift. Babysitting went well today. The 8 year old was getting on my nerves. He was being sassy and difficult, and the dog was barking a lot today. It was just an annoying day of work.

After work, I went to the grocery store. It probably wasn't such a good idea. Not only was everyone and their cousin there, but I was super anxious and in a really bad place with body image. I just didn't want to buy any food. Everything I bought ended up being fat free. And I didn't allow myself to buy any foods that I enjoy. Half way through, I had a panic attack. It was a small one, small enough to prevent people from knowing what was going on. But I almost started crying when I was in line. I felt so fat and disgusting. I was wearing a purple flowy spaghetti strap top. I felt like my arms were just gigantic, and my large stomach was visible through it. I felt like every one was staring at my body, and it made me loathe myself even more. I don't know how I got through it, probably the deep breathing, but I made it out of the store without making a scene. I got into my car and sobbed for about 10 minutes straight. I had to make myself stop crying because I knew I could just go on for hours if I wanted to. I thought about texting my therapist but, decided against it because I wanted to handle this my way. Unfortunately, I resorted to exercise. I didn't do it to make my anxiety better, or to re-energize myself. I did it to burn calories. I am only supposed to work out for 1 hour each day, but today I did almost 2 hours. I thought about going to buy food and bingeing and purging, but KNEW I would feel so fucking awful if I did that. My friend Karen called me after my workout and I had a good talk with her. By the way, I didn't feel any better about my body after exercising.
Ughhhh, it's just such a hard thing. I don't feel like it's getting easier. Stupid body image.

I am just holding onto the fact that I get to have dinner with my second mommy tomorrow. It is always so good to see her. She provides me with so much insight, as well as comfort. I just want to melt in her arms, and pour out my soul. I love her.

Alright. Time for bed.

Fear

I had therapy today. The first half of the session went really well. We talked about all sorts of different things. And then we talked about my anxiety and ways that I can lower it and make it better, without hurting myself to make it better (so hard!) And then we touched a little bit on the abuse. She said we could talk about it for 10 minutes to see how it went. I did not like it at all. It was very hard and very scary and my eyes started filling with tears, although I didn't actually cry. I stopped myself, I hate that I do that. I told her I didn't like it and didn't really want to talk about it anymore, but that I was scared of it going away and not being able to bring it back up again. But that doing that would be so much easier. After all, I kept it locked away for 9 years. She said we could try talking about it again next week, or not...depending on how I felt about it. And that she wouldn't let me hide it away again. And that if I wanted her to, I could let her know that I needed her to push me about it, gently of course.

So, now I'm feeling kind of shaky and teary. I don't want to cry though. I just want to feel normal. It's funny how for so much of my life I wasn't able to cry and was always longing to cry, and now that I can and do, I don't want to...I hate it...most of the time.

I'm not sure how I feel about talking about the abuse again. On one hand, I want to...I want to heal and I want to get it over with, and I want to stop ignoring it. But on the other hand, I want desperately to forget about it, and it absolutely terrifies me to talk about it, even in therapy where I'm safe. But I have been so triggered by certain things lately and it's all on the surface again. And that horrible fear is back. I hate it. I need to start working on getting rid of that, or at least making it better and more tolerable.

Work last night was crazy, I got cussed at by a customer (what a douche) and it was crazy busy. I was so exhausted by the end of the night. I had the day off today and I work tomorrow 8am-3pm. Not looking forward to that at all.

*sigh* I feel as though so much is going on. I want/need therapy everyday.

I started tearing up a little bit in our session today because she was being so nice and so supportive and understanding and I kept thinking..."gosh she is so great, how do i deserve this? I don't feel I deserve this" I didn't say that to her...maybe I should. I don't know.

Well off to play with the puppies!