still here.

I had an emotional breakdown last night. I had not slept in 2 days and it all just got to me. I was laying on my bathroom floor crying so hard I could not see or breathe, clutching about 20 sleeping pills in my hand. I could have done it. I could have swallowed them. But I chose to call my therapist instead. I finally got some sleep last night, but the depression still lingers. I relapsed with self harm. Cut my leg up pretty bad. My psychiatrist wants me in treatment, but I can't afford it. I almost went to the psych hospital last night, but stayed with my parents instead.

I feel so...lost. I feel so unsteady, unstable, unlike me. I am glad that I am still here, and not hooked up to tubes in the hospital, or worse....dead.

But right now, death seems like the only escape.

Oh yeah...I got my period. Which has my eating disorder telling me that I have not been starving myself enough. And I see my dietitian on Friday, and when she weighs me she is going to think that I have been stuffing my face because I always gain 3-4lbs of water weight on my period. I have failed myself.

Little Miss by Sugarland

update

- Therapy went much, much better this week. I'm so grateful for my therapist's support and understanding. I know she will see me through this hard time.

- I've been on the 20mg of Prozac for a week now. I don't feel any difference.

- I told my mom I am struggling with the eating disorder again. She of course emailed my therapist and is concerned/frustrated. But she isn't hounding me and prying me for answers, which I appreciate.

- Sleep continues to be an issue. I have a horrible time falling asleep, and then wake up at really early hours and can't go back to sleep. I take the Seroquel when I am desperate, but even by taking a half of 25mg pill, I feel like I have been run over by a truck the next day.

- Still purging. Still restricting. I took a caffeine pill yesterday. Bad, bad idea. I felt like my heart was going to jump outside of my body. I have not been following the plan my dietitian gave me. It scares me. Eating six snacks a day? I want to try it, I really do. But it scares me.

-Work is so boring and so miserable, and I really need to find the motivation to find a better job with better benefits.

- I'm sad. I feel lost. I feel broken. I feel...exhausted.

-

same

Things are the same. Not worse, not better. Well, maybe the purging has gotten worse.

I wrote this email to a friend last night. It pretty much sums up what I feel about life right now...

"I don't know how to do this, any of this. I feel like I'm wasting money and time by going to therapy and my dietitian. I feel sorry for the people that are trying to help me, because I can't seem to help myself. Maybe I should just stop going to therapy, stop reaching out for help. I can't even follow the plan my dietitian gave me. I am scared of gaining weight. I'm scared of losing the ED. I don't even know what's feeding the restricting and the purging anymore, it feels so much a part of me. I know it's wrong, but the fear of losing it scares me more than anything, so I continue to do it. I'm supposed to fight it right? That's what we are supposed to do. I don't feel the urge to fight within me. I don't care about myself."