Things are the same. Not worse, not better. Well, maybe the purging has gotten worse.
I wrote this email to a friend last night. It pretty much sums up what I feel about life right now...
"I don't know how to do this, any of this. I feel like I'm wasting money and time by going to therapy and my dietitian. I feel sorry for the people that are trying to help me, because I can't seem to help myself. Maybe I should just stop going to therapy, stop reaching out for help. I can't even follow the plan my dietitian gave me. I am scared of gaining weight. I'm scared of losing the ED. I don't even know what's feeding the restricting and the purging anymore, it feels so much a part of me. I know it's wrong, but the fear of losing it scares me more than anything, so I continue to do it. I'm supposed to fight it right? That's what we are supposed to do. I don't feel the urge to fight within me. I don't care about myself."
Just KEEP GOING.
ReplyDeleteKEEP GOING.
Go through the motions even, go to therapy, the dietician, go through the motions of making all the food on your meal plan...eat what you can but prepare it ALL.
Keep us posted