Today has been such a busy and exhausting day. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist at 11am, then saw my therapist at 12pm, then had a follow up appointment with my regular doctor at 2:15. The appt. with my psychiatrist went well. He is wanting to cut back my meds, which sort of scares me, but I am going to go with it. He thinks I'm over medicated. And I don't think he is wrong about that. He is going to start by cutting my night time Klonopin in half, and then we will see how that works. I have been having a lot of really weird disconnected feelings and memory loss and over all fatigue, and it's all related to my medication. So, I will start that tonight and see how it goes.
Then I went to my therapist. I brought with me my body tracing from RLP. It still is weird to look at. I still can't believe it is my body. But maybe I just need to ACCEPT it. I love how I wrote so many positive messages on my body tracing, and I just need to remember that. My therapist thought the tracing and what I did with it was awesome. She was so excited! It made me laugh, haha. Then we talked more about boundaries. I am still learning how to set them and keep them. She gave me a bunch of things to read about it, and I am hopeful my boundary setting will get better. This conversation led into my trauma. We decided to start EMDR next week. I am anxious about it, since I really don't know much about it. But I want to give it a try. It can't hurt. And I trust my therapist.
So, then I went to a follow up with my primary care doctor. Last week I went for an aftercare appointment and my blood work was messed up. I also have been having a lot of stomach pain and nausea. So my doctor called me yesterday and told me to come in today. My doctor told me that it could either be an ulcer, gastritis, or appendicitis. Great. So he repeated blood work and I get the results Monday probably. If everything went back to normal, then it was probably some weird infection thing that went away by itself. If my white blood cell count is still elevated or worse, then my doctor wants me to get a CT scan of my stomach. So right now it's just a waiting game. The bad part of this appointment was seeing my weight. I am still having trouble accepting my ideal weight.
Other than that, today actually went well. I had a good breakfast, probably the best breakfast since leaving Remuda. It wasn't really hard and I was really proud of myself. In between appointments I went to Target (one of my favorite places!) and I bought a new bikini top, a cute top, and a pajama shirt. Now I'm at my parent's house for dinner. I am SO excited tomorrow is Saturday and I can sleep in and catch up on writing letters and working on my scrapbook.
That's all for today. It has been a long one. I'm ready for a nap now, or even to take my night time meds, and it's not even 5pm!
Friday, April 29, 2011
Thursday, April 28, 2011
I can do this.
So I've been home...4 weeks? 5 weeks? I've lost count. But I think I have finally settled in. Things are really hard right now though. I was really positive and optimistic about coming home, but it has been so much harder than I thought. Coming from a place of complete structure and accountability to a place where I'm basically on my own is scary. I find it hard to prepare my own meals, drink my weight gain drinks, and go grocery shopping. I think it was really not a good idea to come home still on weight gain (not that I could do anything about it). I see my dietitian once a week and my therapist twice a week. They are both great. I have their support and I know they really care about me, and I trust them. I had a really rough appointment with my dietitian yesterday. My weight was down, and my dietitian noticed that I appeared depressed and fatigued. She just seem really concerned and I just feel really discouraged. I want to lose weight, but I know I can't do that. Even though I really hate my ideal weight, I know that it is necessary to feel happy and healthy. But ED is creeping back in. And it makes me sad. I don't want this anymore. I am sick of it. But ED isn't sick of me, that's the problem. I've wasted 8 years of my life with this stupid disease and I need to just fight like hell and overcome it. But because my depression is creeping back in as well, I am not motivated to do much. The hardest part of my meal plan is breakfast. I am rarely hungry in the morning and I hate breakfast foods. My goal this week is to start adding breakfast back in. I know I need to do it, but it makes me anxious.
On the bright side, I am sleeping really well, and my anxiety is manageable. I love my part time job as a hostess. I love the people I work with, I love the owners. It's like a family. Hopefully I will be able to assistant coach a diving team this summer. That would be awesome. I'm crossing my fingers for that one. Another good thing...I have not purged since before treatment. Which is almost 2 months. That's pretty awesome. And I really don't have any urge to purge either. I love being able to exercise again, just get outside and take a walk. I am so excited for the pool to open so I can swim laps and practice some of my dives.
I miss my horse, Dude. I miss the girls. I miss the support of the girls. I met so many amazing women. Some of them are going to be life long friends. I don't really miss Remuda, I just miss the people, and the constant encouragement. I'm pretty alone here at home. I don't have any friends. My family is who I spend the most time with. I need to get out more. I know I can do it.
My attitude remains positive. I am still hopeful. I still want recovery. And I still believe it is possible for me. I need to glue that "I can do this" attitude into my brain and go with it. I ask for God's help frequently.
All in all, I know I can do this. I know I can get through this rough patch I am experiencing. I have to make it happen, and I will.
On the bright side, I am sleeping really well, and my anxiety is manageable. I love my part time job as a hostess. I love the people I work with, I love the owners. It's like a family. Hopefully I will be able to assistant coach a diving team this summer. That would be awesome. I'm crossing my fingers for that one. Another good thing...I have not purged since before treatment. Which is almost 2 months. That's pretty awesome. And I really don't have any urge to purge either. I love being able to exercise again, just get outside and take a walk. I am so excited for the pool to open so I can swim laps and practice some of my dives.
I miss my horse, Dude. I miss the girls. I miss the support of the girls. I met so many amazing women. Some of them are going to be life long friends. I don't really miss Remuda, I just miss the people, and the constant encouragement. I'm pretty alone here at home. I don't have any friends. My family is who I spend the most time with. I need to get out more. I know I can do it.
My attitude remains positive. I am still hopeful. I still want recovery. And I still believe it is possible for me. I need to glue that "I can do this" attitude into my brain and go with it. I ask for God's help frequently.
All in all, I know I can do this. I know I can get through this rough patch I am experiencing. I have to make it happen, and I will.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
anddd yeah
So, I'm still here. Meal plan isn't going so well and my weight is dropping (slowly) but it's all okay. I am working really hard on getting back on track. I see my dietitian and therapist twice a week. I had my follow up visit with my primary care doctor today and that went well. Again, my weight is down, but I'm still in a healthy weight range. I got my labs re-done and will get those back pretty soon. I also was put on Nexium for acid reflux. It possibly could be a stomach ulcer, but most likely not. Anyway...sorry this was a short post. I was really sick last night and I don't feel good at all. I have work and two appointments tomorrow and I'm guessing my dietitian isn't going to be happy with me, and I feel really horrible about that because...I don't know what's going on. And it makes me really sad. I want to help myself, and I want to make others happy. And I really miss my friends from treatment, like a lot.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
update!
Hey yall.
SO, I know it has been forever since I have been on here. I've been home from Remuda for exactly 2 weeks today and I thought I owed all of you an update.
So on February 10 I was very suicidal (as you can tell from my previous blog posts). I carved multiple lines into my legs and was ready to end it all. I saw no other way out. Nothing was ever going to get better. I had a scheduled therapy appointment that morning, and so I went. On the drive over I told myself I was going to tell her I wanted to go to the hospital...that I needed it. And so I told her. As she was on the phone with the people at the hospital telling them I was coming, I started crying. I realized how...lost I was. I just knew it was either suicide, or taking the step to get better. And so I drove myself to the hospital, and checked myself into the psychiatric unit. I was there for the next 5 days. They straightened out my meds and I got some much needed sleep. My second to last day there my parents told me I was being admitted to Remuda Ranch the next day for my eating disorder. I was not against it. In fact, I wanted it. But I was surprised that my parents felt the same as I did. The next day I was discharged from the hospital and had 2 hours to go home and pack and then my parents drove me to the treatment center, which was about 45 minutes away from my house. It sunk in on my way there that I was admitting myself to treatment again, and it started to feel scary. But I knew there was no turning back. I needed to do this. I had to. I was going to die if I didn't.
I spent the next 30 days at the ranch. The first two weeks were really really hard. I was basically taken off of all my anxiety meds and put on new ones and so my anxiety was probably the worst it has ever been in my life. I felt like I was dying 24 hours a day. But eventually I found the right combo of meds and I can honestly say that my anxiety is the lowest it has been in my entire life. I always have a great combo of meds that help with my sleep. There was a small group of us there, but we were all so much alike and so we bonded very quickly. The other girls support to one another was amazing, and we will always be lifelong friends. I had Family Week as well. It went well. Not exactly the most exciting or relaxing thing in the world, but it was definitely helpful. I would have to say the 3 most helpful parts of my treatment there were: the other girls, my dietitian there, Heather, and the equine therapy. It sounds crazy, but a horse changed me, changed my life. I owe so much to my horse, Dude. I can't explain it. You would have to experience it to know what it feels like. But it's amazing. My dietitian Heather was simply amazing. I gained so much insight and support and encouragement from her. She truly believed in me and was always very patient and very helpful to me. I owe so much to her as well. The last thing we did together was cut up a pair of my jeans. It was so empowering. I will never forget that. Anyway, so after 30 days at the ranch I transferred to the step down program in Arizona. I did not know anyone at the step down program. All the other women were from the ranch in Arizona, and I was from Virginia. So it was pretty lonely. The one person I did know was my dietitian, Kim, from my last stay in Arizona 7 years ago. We formed a really close bond during my 75 days there and I continued to write her after I left. So reuniting with her was just like old time. She wasn't my dietitian this go-around, but I went to her office and talked with her everyday. She the person who I had the hardest time saying goodbye to. But we have been in contact since I discharged so I am grateful for that. I was only at the center in Arizona for 2 weeks, so I did not get that much out of it. But it definitely gave me more time to restore my weight and work on body image. I finalized my aftercare plans and was really excited about finally going home. I cried my eyes out at the airport and on the plane. I knew I would probably never see Kim again. And then I dried my eyes and put on my feel-good music and realized how good I felt on the inside compared to how I felt 2 months ago. It has been quite a journey, and totally worth it.
I have been home 2 weeks ago and I have definitely had my struggles. I came home still on weight gain so that has been a struggle. I have struggling with depression as well, but each day gets better and better. I am seeing my outpatient team twice a week and I am so glad I have their support. I started back at my hostessing job and that has been great because it has provided structure and a reason to wake up in the morning. I quit my job at Panera for multiple reasons. The number one reason being I was in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship with one of my co-workers. An abusive relationship that I did not see or realize until 2 weeks into my treatment. I have no plans in seeing him or talking to him ever again. And that is for the best. I have been searching for support groups, but there isn't much around here. I want to get back into volunteering and found a place not too far away that rehabs abused and neglected horses. So I am looking into that as well as the local animal shelter. I eventually will need to find a second job, but for now...I am good where I am.
So that's about it. I feel great. I am very very hopeful for the future, for my future. I want ED gone, and I will do everything I can to make sure that happens.
So that's life up until now. I will promise to keep updating!
SO, I know it has been forever since I have been on here. I've been home from Remuda for exactly 2 weeks today and I thought I owed all of you an update.
So on February 10 I was very suicidal (as you can tell from my previous blog posts). I carved multiple lines into my legs and was ready to end it all. I saw no other way out. Nothing was ever going to get better. I had a scheduled therapy appointment that morning, and so I went. On the drive over I told myself I was going to tell her I wanted to go to the hospital...that I needed it. And so I told her. As she was on the phone with the people at the hospital telling them I was coming, I started crying. I realized how...lost I was. I just knew it was either suicide, or taking the step to get better. And so I drove myself to the hospital, and checked myself into the psychiatric unit. I was there for the next 5 days. They straightened out my meds and I got some much needed sleep. My second to last day there my parents told me I was being admitted to Remuda Ranch the next day for my eating disorder. I was not against it. In fact, I wanted it. But I was surprised that my parents felt the same as I did. The next day I was discharged from the hospital and had 2 hours to go home and pack and then my parents drove me to the treatment center, which was about 45 minutes away from my house. It sunk in on my way there that I was admitting myself to treatment again, and it started to feel scary. But I knew there was no turning back. I needed to do this. I had to. I was going to die if I didn't.
I spent the next 30 days at the ranch. The first two weeks were really really hard. I was basically taken off of all my anxiety meds and put on new ones and so my anxiety was probably the worst it has ever been in my life. I felt like I was dying 24 hours a day. But eventually I found the right combo of meds and I can honestly say that my anxiety is the lowest it has been in my entire life. I always have a great combo of meds that help with my sleep. There was a small group of us there, but we were all so much alike and so we bonded very quickly. The other girls support to one another was amazing, and we will always be lifelong friends. I had Family Week as well. It went well. Not exactly the most exciting or relaxing thing in the world, but it was definitely helpful. I would have to say the 3 most helpful parts of my treatment there were: the other girls, my dietitian there, Heather, and the equine therapy. It sounds crazy, but a horse changed me, changed my life. I owe so much to my horse, Dude. I can't explain it. You would have to experience it to know what it feels like. But it's amazing. My dietitian Heather was simply amazing. I gained so much insight and support and encouragement from her. She truly believed in me and was always very patient and very helpful to me. I owe so much to her as well. The last thing we did together was cut up a pair of my jeans. It was so empowering. I will never forget that. Anyway, so after 30 days at the ranch I transferred to the step down program in Arizona. I did not know anyone at the step down program. All the other women were from the ranch in Arizona, and I was from Virginia. So it was pretty lonely. The one person I did know was my dietitian, Kim, from my last stay in Arizona 7 years ago. We formed a really close bond during my 75 days there and I continued to write her after I left. So reuniting with her was just like old time. She wasn't my dietitian this go-around, but I went to her office and talked with her everyday. She the person who I had the hardest time saying goodbye to. But we have been in contact since I discharged so I am grateful for that. I was only at the center in Arizona for 2 weeks, so I did not get that much out of it. But it definitely gave me more time to restore my weight and work on body image. I finalized my aftercare plans and was really excited about finally going home. I cried my eyes out at the airport and on the plane. I knew I would probably never see Kim again. And then I dried my eyes and put on my feel-good music and realized how good I felt on the inside compared to how I felt 2 months ago. It has been quite a journey, and totally worth it.
I have been home 2 weeks ago and I have definitely had my struggles. I came home still on weight gain so that has been a struggle. I have struggling with depression as well, but each day gets better and better. I am seeing my outpatient team twice a week and I am so glad I have their support. I started back at my hostessing job and that has been great because it has provided structure and a reason to wake up in the morning. I quit my job at Panera for multiple reasons. The number one reason being I was in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship with one of my co-workers. An abusive relationship that I did not see or realize until 2 weeks into my treatment. I have no plans in seeing him or talking to him ever again. And that is for the best. I have been searching for support groups, but there isn't much around here. I want to get back into volunteering and found a place not too far away that rehabs abused and neglected horses. So I am looking into that as well as the local animal shelter. I eventually will need to find a second job, but for now...I am good where I am.
So that's about it. I feel great. I am very very hopeful for the future, for my future. I want ED gone, and I will do everything I can to make sure that happens.
So that's life up until now. I will promise to keep updating!
Friday, April 1, 2011
I'm home!
I am home from treatment! All is well! I will provide a more detailed update later! Just wanted to say I am doing great and I feel great!
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