update!

Hey yall.

SO, I know it has been forever since I have been on here. I've been home from Remuda for exactly 2 weeks today and I thought I owed all of you an update.

So on February 10 I was very suicidal (as you can tell from my previous blog posts). I carved multiple lines into my legs and was ready to end it all. I saw no other way out. Nothing was ever going to get better. I had a scheduled therapy appointment that morning, and so I went. On the drive over I told myself I was going to tell her I wanted to go to the hospital...that I needed it. And so I told her. As she was on the phone with the people at the hospital telling them I was coming, I started crying. I realized how...lost I was. I just knew it was either suicide, or taking the step to get better. And so I drove myself to the hospital, and checked myself into the psychiatric unit. I was there for the next 5 days. They straightened out my meds and I got some much needed sleep. My second to last day there my parents told me I was being admitted to Remuda Ranch the next day for my eating disorder. I was not against it. In fact, I wanted it. But I was surprised that my parents felt the same as I did. The next day I was discharged from the hospital and had 2 hours to go home and pack and then my parents drove me to the treatment center, which was about 45 minutes away from my house. It sunk in on my way there that I was admitting myself to treatment again, and it started to feel scary. But I knew there was no turning back. I needed to do this. I had to. I was going to die if I didn't.

I spent the next 30 days at the ranch. The first two weeks were really really hard. I was basically taken off of all my anxiety meds and put on new ones and so my anxiety was probably the worst it has ever been in my life. I felt like I was dying 24 hours a day. But eventually I found the right combo of meds and I can honestly say that my anxiety is the lowest it has been in my entire life. I always have a great combo of meds that help with my sleep. There was a small group of us there, but we were all so much alike and so we bonded very quickly. The other girls support to one another was amazing, and we will always be lifelong friends. I had Family Week as well. It went well. Not exactly the most exciting or relaxing thing in the world, but it was definitely helpful. I would have to say the 3 most helpful parts of my treatment there were: the other girls, my dietitian there, Heather, and the equine therapy. It sounds crazy, but a horse changed me, changed my life. I owe so much to my horse, Dude. I can't explain it. You would have to experience it to know what it feels like. But it's amazing. My dietitian Heather was simply amazing. I gained so much insight and support and encouragement from her. She truly believed in me and was always very patient and very helpful to me. I owe so much to her as well. The last thing we did together was cut up a pair of my jeans. It was so empowering. I will never forget that. Anyway, so after 30 days at the ranch I transferred to the step down program in Arizona. I did not know anyone at the step down program. All the other women were from the ranch in Arizona, and I was from Virginia. So it was pretty lonely. The one person I did know was my dietitian, Kim, from my last stay in Arizona 7 years ago. We formed a really close bond during my 75 days there and I continued to write her after I left. So reuniting with her was just like old time. She wasn't my dietitian this go-around, but I went to her office and talked with her everyday. She the person who I had the hardest time saying goodbye to. But we have been in contact since I discharged so I am grateful for that. I was only at the center in Arizona for 2 weeks, so I did not get that much out of it. But it definitely gave me more time to restore my weight and work on body image. I finalized my aftercare plans and was really excited about finally going home. I cried my eyes out at the airport and on the plane. I knew I would probably never see Kim again. And then I dried my eyes and put on my feel-good music and realized how good I felt on the inside compared to how I felt 2 months ago. It has been quite a journey, and totally worth it.

I have been home 2 weeks ago and I have definitely had my struggles. I came home still on weight gain so that has been a struggle. I have struggling with depression as well, but each day gets better and better. I am seeing my outpatient team twice a week and I am so glad I have their support. I started back at my hostessing job and that has been great because it has provided structure and a reason to wake up in the morning. I quit my job at Panera for multiple reasons. The number one reason being I was in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship with one of my co-workers. An abusive relationship that I did not see or realize until 2 weeks into my treatment. I have no plans in seeing him or talking to him ever again. And that is for the best. I have been searching for support groups, but there isn't much around here. I want to get back into volunteering and found a place not too far away that rehabs abused and neglected horses. So I am looking into that as well as the local animal shelter. I eventually will need to find a second job, but for now...I am good where I am.

So that's about it. I feel great. I am very very hopeful for the future, for my future. I want ED gone, and I will do everything I can to make sure that happens.

So that's life up until now. I will promise to keep updating!