Spiral

You know, I'm not even sure how to write this post. There is a lot I want to say, but I'm not going to say all of it.

 I have been on a downward spiral. I can't really figure out why or what started it. I do have my suspicions. I guess what's important is not what causes this spiral, but how I can get myself out of it. But with this downward spiral, my sense of how to help myself seems to have escaped me. I can think of several ways to dig myself out of this. I KNOW what to do. But it's like I have lost the ability to do it. I think that's one of the most frustration things about myself. That I know what I need to do, or should do, or have to do, but I can't get myself to actually do it. I struggle with this lack of motivation in pretty much every aspect of my life. It's beyond frustrating.

Eating has been horrible. And you know, it doesn't help that I purged for the first time in a year. I can't even believe I did it, but I totally saw it coming. I haven't told anyone about it yet, not even my treatment team/support system. I am ashamed. I know there will be disappointment and frustration all around from everyone. I know I will hear, "You aren't letting me down, you are letting yourself down."
I feel like I need to pretend I'm back at Remuda again. Eat my meals, eat snacks if I need to, replenish with Gatorade.

I struggle A LOT with not having an appetite. Largely due to my anxiety, if not that being the main cause. I tend to make "excuses" for skipping meals or restricting, saying that I just wasn't hungry. I never thought that was a good enough reason, but I let myself get away with it. Now I'm beginning to realize that my hunger cues aren't going to come back by themselves. Maybe I need to force myself to eat even though my appetite is non existent. In my own personal experience, that has to be the most uncomfortable feeling ever. Eating when you are not hungry. But at the same time, that's how recovery is done sometimes.

I feel like I have been a major bitch lately, mostly to my parents and I feel awful about that. But I can't tell them what's going on (even though they probably suspect something). I don't want to worry them, and I don't want the endless questions and looks of frustration. It will not help me. I am definitely pulling away from my friends. I feel like a hypocrite saying that because I have been having struggling with feeling lonely because I feel like at least 3 of my good friends have pulled away from me. Isolation is so dangerous for me. But I don't want to burden people, I don't want to be a disappointment and I don't want to trigger people.

My immune system is absolute crap right now. I have been sick for 2 1/2 weeks. I can't get rid of this virus, which has turned into tonsillitis now. Not eating and the one-time purge is not helping...I know this.

Next week is full of appointments and such. I guess it's a good thing since I have seemed to be falling apart lately. I'm not really looking forward to the massive amounts of talking about feelings that will be going on, but perhaps I will gain some insight and clarity, and get myself back on track.

But for now, I need to take things one day at a time I think. Try not to get ahead of myself and dwell on the future, or the past for that matter. I can't lose all the progress I have made this year. I would be devastated if that happened. I need to get it together.