I think it's the worst it's ever been. It shouldn't be though. I really have a lot of good going on in my life. I started a new job as a gymnastics coach, and I've really clicked with the other coaches, and one of my former teammates works there as well. I have gotten really close to my friends at my hostessing job, who have also really had my back when it comes to a situation with another co-worker who has been a total bitch to me for no reason.
I mean, I have a lot of things going for me. Yet, I feel more isolated than ever. I think part of it is the fact that there are things that I'm going through in my life that most people don't know about, and someone people can't understand. I feel like I've been trying to reach out to people, but all I have to talk about is how hard things are right now. And that's not really fair to my friends. I also feel like because I am so pathetic and miserable, no one really wants or cares to know how I'm doing. I feel like I'm doing a lot of pushing people away, but not on purpose.
I realize that other people have stuff going on in their lives too. And I don't want to come across as selfish. But I think that it's also really important that I look out for myself first and foremost these days, so I don't spiral into another depression. I love the friends that I do have. And I want to be there for them more than anything in the world. I just hope they know that. I tell them all the time, I feel like.
I just got back from a dietitian appointment. Because of the isolation and loneliness I feel, I have been turning to the one thing that's always been there for me...my eating disorder. I've been restricting. I've also had increasing urges to purge. I've been feeling so guilty about what I eat. I've been comparing myself to others SO much. My body image is terrible.
I nearly left my dietitian appointment in tears. She is going to email my therapist, which really won't do anything until Monday because my therapist is out of town. My dietitian also encouraged me to reach out to at least 3 of my friends today to let them know what's going on. I have yet to do that. We didn't really come up with a meal plan. I just couldn't even think about food today. I felt so repulsive.
Showing posts with label anorexia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anorexia. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
More Progress to be Made
I saw my dietitian this afternoon. I'm still progressing well in recovery. I am pretty much abstaining from restricting about 90% of the time, which just blows my mind! I do have urges to purge, but I always fight them off. About 95% of the time I eat what I want to, rather than eating what my eating disorder wants me to eat.
But, I realized today I still have things I need to work really hard on. My body image has been really crappy lately. For a little while it was actually a lot better, so I'm not sure what made me feel so fat again. I still have it in my head that I need to lose weight, that I want to. I have these rules that I have had since my eating disorder began. I have such a hard time eating in front of people. I do way, way better eating in a group situation. If I eat in front of just one person then I feel like they are judging the way I eat. And I hate that feeling. I have this fear of being judged by my roommate for what I buy at the grocery store. So, if she's home, I won't bring in my groceries unless she is either asleep or isn't here. And some things I buy from the store I keep in my room because I am afraid she will judge me for it not being a "good food".
My dietitian scared the heck out of me today when she asked if I would be willing to go out to eat with her one time, as a challenge. I looked at her like she was crazy and I say I couldn't. She said that we can go when I am ready. I'm thinking maybe I'll never be, so maybe I should just go ahead and suck it up. Ahhh but it's so scary, especially with my dietitian? I mean I love her and everything, but she would totally be analyzing how I eat.
I'm anxious to talk to my therapist about all of this. I had therapy this morning, but that was before my dietitian appointment. I'm thinking I want to start focusing on the things the eating disorder holds me back from. I'm feeling ambivalent about therapy right now actually. But I don't feel like getting into that.
But, I realized today I still have things I need to work really hard on. My body image has been really crappy lately. For a little while it was actually a lot better, so I'm not sure what made me feel so fat again. I still have it in my head that I need to lose weight, that I want to. I have these rules that I have had since my eating disorder began. I have such a hard time eating in front of people. I do way, way better eating in a group situation. If I eat in front of just one person then I feel like they are judging the way I eat. And I hate that feeling. I have this fear of being judged by my roommate for what I buy at the grocery store. So, if she's home, I won't bring in my groceries unless she is either asleep or isn't here. And some things I buy from the store I keep in my room because I am afraid she will judge me for it not being a "good food".
My dietitian scared the heck out of me today when she asked if I would be willing to go out to eat with her one time, as a challenge. I looked at her like she was crazy and I say I couldn't. She said that we can go when I am ready. I'm thinking maybe I'll never be, so maybe I should just go ahead and suck it up. Ahhh but it's so scary, especially with my dietitian? I mean I love her and everything, but she would totally be analyzing how I eat.
I'm anxious to talk to my therapist about all of this. I had therapy this morning, but that was before my dietitian appointment. I'm thinking I want to start focusing on the things the eating disorder holds me back from. I'm feeling ambivalent about therapy right now actually. But I don't feel like getting into that.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
A change, a loss, and progress.
Something that I've done with my trauma, is numb all of my feelings. For a long time, for years, I just had the memories, and no emotions. Within the past 7 months, I have identified emotions, been able to express them through writing and talking. It's HUGE progress on my part. I didn't think I would ever feel my feeling again. Now, for the first time in a long time I am allowing myself to cry. Giving myself permission. I finally have learned to "let go". 7 months ago I didn't cry. And for the past week, I have been crying most days.
Now most of this is due to the fact that I'm going through a life change. I'm leaving a job that brought me stress, but also brought me joy. My future in terms of work is unknown, which is scary. It's a big loss. I'm still really emotional from my suicide attempt. I am working through trauma, which is proving to be most exhausting. As much as feeling my feelings sucks, it's totally what I need to be doing, and it's also been very healing.
One part of my life that I'm pleased with is my eating disorder recovery. It's still a road of bumps now and then. But, it's crazy how intuitive my eating is. No guilt about food, no obsessions, no fears, no misery. It feels amazing. To just be able to feel free when it comes to food, free from the prison that is anorexia and bulimia. There are still improvements to be made. But I'm happy with my progress. I feel confident in myself and in my recovery. I wish I could tell you what happened to get me to this place of solid recovery. Believe me, I keep asking myself the same question. But I just don't know. I think something in my head just clicked. I got sick and tired of starving myself and obeying ED. I also think that being open and honest in therapy and really processing and dealing with my trauma was HUGE in not using eating disorder behaviors. I finally was ready to deal with everything.
I wish everyone who is struggling with an eating disorder could at this moment feel the same freedom I do. Because it's amazing, especially if you've been in your eating disorder for years (mine has been 10 years). But there's also something about the journey that's really amazing. I'm not sure I would trade it. I've made lifelong friends whom I think of as sisters. I've met so many amazing, loving people.
Just keep going. Don't let ED tie you down from the life you deserve.
Now most of this is due to the fact that I'm going through a life change. I'm leaving a job that brought me stress, but also brought me joy. My future in terms of work is unknown, which is scary. It's a big loss. I'm still really emotional from my suicide attempt. I am working through trauma, which is proving to be most exhausting. As much as feeling my feelings sucks, it's totally what I need to be doing, and it's also been very healing.
One part of my life that I'm pleased with is my eating disorder recovery. It's still a road of bumps now and then. But, it's crazy how intuitive my eating is. No guilt about food, no obsessions, no fears, no misery. It feels amazing. To just be able to feel free when it comes to food, free from the prison that is anorexia and bulimia. There are still improvements to be made. But I'm happy with my progress. I feel confident in myself and in my recovery. I wish I could tell you what happened to get me to this place of solid recovery. Believe me, I keep asking myself the same question. But I just don't know. I think something in my head just clicked. I got sick and tired of starving myself and obeying ED. I also think that being open and honest in therapy and really processing and dealing with my trauma was HUGE in not using eating disorder behaviors. I finally was ready to deal with everything.
I wish everyone who is struggling with an eating disorder could at this moment feel the same freedom I do. Because it's amazing, especially if you've been in your eating disorder for years (mine has been 10 years). But there's also something about the journey that's really amazing. I'm not sure I would trade it. I've made lifelong friends whom I think of as sisters. I've met so many amazing, loving people.
Just keep going. Don't let ED tie you down from the life you deserve.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
I used to be pretty incapable of taking care of myself. I think I'm finally doing a pretty good job of it though. It's taking time and a lot of hard work, and I'm not perfect at it. I'm becoming more and more normalized with my eating. I saw my dietitian last night and she said that my eating for the past week was normal! She was so shocked (and honestly so was I). I don't really know what changed. I guess I just felt more hungry. It helps when I have an appetite. I had a big freak out last week because my dietitian weighed me and I found out I had gained xlbs over the holidays. People kept telling me it's normal to gain weight over the holidays, but it's never been normal for me. I've always been sick during Christmas. I was so upset over the weight gain. I didn't even care that my dietitian said that all of my numbers were right where they should be. I just felt huge and fat and disgusting. And I still do. But I accept that fact that probably the reason why I gained weight over the holidays was because I was screwing up my metabolism by skipping meals. So I guess that motivated me to start eating normally, and that's what I've been doing.
There are other ways I've been taking care of myself. Even though there are times when I still feel REALLY guilty for reaching out for help, I have been doing it more. I've been in close contact with my treatment team during this past few weeks, while things have been really tough. I'm trying to see if a medication change will help. I'm working on my eating. And I'm allowing myself to be more vulnerable in therapy. My therapist mentioned possibly telling my mom about my trauma history, as she knows very, very little. At first I said NO WAY. But now I'm actually thinking about doing it, only of course if my therapist is there. And she says she absolutely agrees that she should be there. I have therapy tomorrow and I think we are going to discuss it more then.
Other ways I am taking part in self-care is going to sleep earlier, aromatherapy, distraction, and asking for what I need.
I'm still having a rough go with depression. I think maybe it's a little less intense, maybe not so much suicidal ideation going on. It's still something that needs to be watched, however. I have good moments and bad moments. I had a really powerful experience a couple weekends ago. I went to the Saturday evening service at my church. I go alone, I always have. For some reason, I wanted to walk out in the middle of the service. I just didn't feel connected to God or to any of the music or the message that night. I stuck it out though. And at the end of the service, the pastor got up and said if anyone wanted to be prayed for, to approach him afterwards. Something just pulled me over there. And I admitted that I was struggling with a severe depression, and he prayed for me. It was what I needed. I felt God and His presence. Part of the message of the sermon that night was, "God makes the impossible possible." I keep thinking about that.
I've always felt it was impossible to recover from my eating disorder and to heal from all of my trauma. Maybe it's not impossible though. Maybe I can get to a place where I will be okay.
I'm also having a super tough time with PTSD and other trauma issues. Next week is the 2 year anniversary of my rape. I'm growing increasingly anxious about it. Last year on the first anniversary, I took the day off of work and medicated myself and slept all day. This year, I am making it a two day event. On Monday I am walking the labyrinth with my therapist. I did this last summer as a part of the eating disorder group I did, and it was a very powerful experience. On Tuesday, my therapist and I are going to a park near her office and I'm bringing a balloon and she's bringing a sharpie. And I'm going to write on the balloon everything about that night that I want to let go of and release. Then, I'm going to let the balloon go. I'm glad I will have extra support on those two days.
I'm back to my normal work schedule this week. I'm already exhausted. I'm counting down the days to Spring Break already.
As always, taking it day by day, hour by hour.
There are other ways I've been taking care of myself. Even though there are times when I still feel REALLY guilty for reaching out for help, I have been doing it more. I've been in close contact with my treatment team during this past few weeks, while things have been really tough. I'm trying to see if a medication change will help. I'm working on my eating. And I'm allowing myself to be more vulnerable in therapy. My therapist mentioned possibly telling my mom about my trauma history, as she knows very, very little. At first I said NO WAY. But now I'm actually thinking about doing it, only of course if my therapist is there. And she says she absolutely agrees that she should be there. I have therapy tomorrow and I think we are going to discuss it more then.
Other ways I am taking part in self-care is going to sleep earlier, aromatherapy, distraction, and asking for what I need.
I'm still having a rough go with depression. I think maybe it's a little less intense, maybe not so much suicidal ideation going on. It's still something that needs to be watched, however. I have good moments and bad moments. I had a really powerful experience a couple weekends ago. I went to the Saturday evening service at my church. I go alone, I always have. For some reason, I wanted to walk out in the middle of the service. I just didn't feel connected to God or to any of the music or the message that night. I stuck it out though. And at the end of the service, the pastor got up and said if anyone wanted to be prayed for, to approach him afterwards. Something just pulled me over there. And I admitted that I was struggling with a severe depression, and he prayed for me. It was what I needed. I felt God and His presence. Part of the message of the sermon that night was, "God makes the impossible possible." I keep thinking about that.
I've always felt it was impossible to recover from my eating disorder and to heal from all of my trauma. Maybe it's not impossible though. Maybe I can get to a place where I will be okay.
I'm also having a super tough time with PTSD and other trauma issues. Next week is the 2 year anniversary of my rape. I'm growing increasingly anxious about it. Last year on the first anniversary, I took the day off of work and medicated myself and slept all day. This year, I am making it a two day event. On Monday I am walking the labyrinth with my therapist. I did this last summer as a part of the eating disorder group I did, and it was a very powerful experience. On Tuesday, my therapist and I are going to a park near her office and I'm bringing a balloon and she's bringing a sharpie. And I'm going to write on the balloon everything about that night that I want to let go of and release. Then, I'm going to let the balloon go. I'm glad I will have extra support on those two days.
I'm back to my normal work schedule this week. I'm already exhausted. I'm counting down the days to Spring Break already.
As always, taking it day by day, hour by hour.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
If I just...breathe
I feel like I've packed a week into the past 3 days. I've had so many appointments, work obligations, and errands to run. For the most part my appointments have gone really well. My doctor appointment on Monday that my therapist came with me too was really difficult, but it went well at the same time. I'm just glad it's over and hopefully I won't have to go back for another year (crosses fingers). It was just really scary and made everything that's happened to me a bigger reality than it already is. I honestly could not have gotten through that appointment without having my therapist there. She helped slow down my breathing before, during, and after the exam. She told me proud she was of me, and how much she felt honored that I asked her to come with me.
I saw my dietitian Monday night for the first time in a few weeks. It went really, really well. My dietitian was just so happy with how I've been doing and so excited. Even though I see her again in two weeks, I think I will be able to cut back to possible every 3 weeks. I know I'm still kind of fragile with recovery, and no, not everything is all better. But, I feel like I know what I need to do now and feel like I'm making healthy choices and following my hunger cues (which is HUGE for me!)
Before I committed to recovery this time around, every time I read someone's blog or Facebook status or a book about how great recovery felt to them and how much better life was, I rolled my eyes. Everyone just said the same thing about it. And I was so terrified of recovery. And honestly, I now understand what they were saying about recovery. And, it's going to continue to get better for me, which fills me with so much hope. People who didn't understand eating disorders always used to say to me, "You have to choose to live!" And I feel like I was making that choice, but I didn't know if I could actually do it. Recovery from an eating disorder is so much more than, breakfast, lunch and dinner and a snack, oh and weight gain supplements if you need them and healthy exercise. I mean, there are layers and layers to all of those things that no one could possibly understand if you didn't have an eating disorder.
I don't think I made the choice this time around to finally give recovery my all. I think it just naturally came when I started to be completely open in therapy. I think all the bottled up emotions and memories were released and I didn't have to pretend anymore. I didn't have to hide. But I do make the choice day in and day out to eat, even when I'm anxious or nauseous or upset about something. And I'm not perfect about it. I do have my slips still. But I cannot even begin to explain the huge weight I have felt lifted off of my shoulders.
I saw my therapist this morning. It was a tough appointment. We talked a lot about family dynamics, which is honestly my least favorite topic of all time. Anyway, I don't feel comfortable explaining all of it in my blog because I don't want to bash my family on the internet, but my therapist told me to read "The Dance of Anger". I've already bought it and started reading it.
I'm excited for Thanksgiving tomorrow, mainly just the food part. Not too excited about spending time with family, but it is what it is.
I also saw my psychiatrist today. And I told him that I know this Winter is going to be really tough on me because of the weather, depression, and anniversaries. I said I just want to make it through this season without be hospitalized. He said that was a good goal. I really hope I can do it.
Just gotta survive until March, and then I can breathe again.
I saw my dietitian Monday night for the first time in a few weeks. It went really, really well. My dietitian was just so happy with how I've been doing and so excited. Even though I see her again in two weeks, I think I will be able to cut back to possible every 3 weeks. I know I'm still kind of fragile with recovery, and no, not everything is all better. But, I feel like I know what I need to do now and feel like I'm making healthy choices and following my hunger cues (which is HUGE for me!)
Before I committed to recovery this time around, every time I read someone's blog or Facebook status or a book about how great recovery felt to them and how much better life was, I rolled my eyes. Everyone just said the same thing about it. And I was so terrified of recovery. And honestly, I now understand what they were saying about recovery. And, it's going to continue to get better for me, which fills me with so much hope. People who didn't understand eating disorders always used to say to me, "You have to choose to live!" And I feel like I was making that choice, but I didn't know if I could actually do it. Recovery from an eating disorder is so much more than, breakfast, lunch and dinner and a snack, oh and weight gain supplements if you need them and healthy exercise. I mean, there are layers and layers to all of those things that no one could possibly understand if you didn't have an eating disorder.
I don't think I made the choice this time around to finally give recovery my all. I think it just naturally came when I started to be completely open in therapy. I think all the bottled up emotions and memories were released and I didn't have to pretend anymore. I didn't have to hide. But I do make the choice day in and day out to eat, even when I'm anxious or nauseous or upset about something. And I'm not perfect about it. I do have my slips still. But I cannot even begin to explain the huge weight I have felt lifted off of my shoulders.
I saw my therapist this morning. It was a tough appointment. We talked a lot about family dynamics, which is honestly my least favorite topic of all time. Anyway, I don't feel comfortable explaining all of it in my blog because I don't want to bash my family on the internet, but my therapist told me to read "The Dance of Anger". I've already bought it and started reading it.
I'm excited for Thanksgiving tomorrow, mainly just the food part. Not too excited about spending time with family, but it is what it is.
I also saw my psychiatrist today. And I told him that I know this Winter is going to be really tough on me because of the weather, depression, and anniversaries. I said I just want to make it through this season without be hospitalized. He said that was a good goal. I really hope I can do it.
Just gotta survive until March, and then I can breathe again.
Friday, August 3, 2012
So basically...
There is a lot of shit going on with me right now. I haven't been blogging because honestly it's not something I feel comfortable blogging about. I have had new trauma memories re-surface and all I want to say about that is that I am a huge mess right now and it's freaking me out.
I am deep in my eating disorder, losing weight. I did see my dietitian today and we made a compromise that I drink 5 Ensure plus's a day, and go from there. That's literally a stretch to even do that. Eating has been super super difficult. My dietitian told me that doing 5 ensures a day will actually make me lose weight. I'll believe it when I see it.
I love my new therapist. She's awesome. I have a feeling she is really going to help me get through this trauma stuff and be the therapist that sees me to a recovered life. I ended up "dumping" my old therapist over the phone. It was a little sad and scary, but it went well.
I majorly screwed up my shoulder, still not exactly sure what I did to it. I am getting an MRI and and MR/Arthogram next week (they will stick a big needle into my shoulder and inject dye, woo hoo). And then I won't know the results of that until a week later. It's pretty certain I tore something, it's just about figuring out exactly what I tore. Needless to say, I am in pain pretty much everyday, and I have painkillers that don't knock me the fuck out but allow me to work. I am still in a sling, which is super annoying. Hopefully I will not have to have surgery, which my dietitian says I am not healthy enough to have anyway.
I'm completely obsessed with the Olympics so that has been a good distraction, but sometimes not good enough. Flashbacks, panic attacks, and your basic freakouts happen on a regular basis. It's hard to make it through the night.
My new therapist does not text in between sessions, unlike my previous therapist. This has been hard. But maybe this will be good for me. I will have to learn to depend on myself. Which....is scary. I am able to email her though and that provides me with some relief.
That's about all that's going on. Still working a lot and busy with appointments. I'm tired.
I am deep in my eating disorder, losing weight. I did see my dietitian today and we made a compromise that I drink 5 Ensure plus's a day, and go from there. That's literally a stretch to even do that. Eating has been super super difficult. My dietitian told me that doing 5 ensures a day will actually make me lose weight. I'll believe it when I see it.
I love my new therapist. She's awesome. I have a feeling she is really going to help me get through this trauma stuff and be the therapist that sees me to a recovered life. I ended up "dumping" my old therapist over the phone. It was a little sad and scary, but it went well.
I majorly screwed up my shoulder, still not exactly sure what I did to it. I am getting an MRI and and MR/Arthogram next week (they will stick a big needle into my shoulder and inject dye, woo hoo). And then I won't know the results of that until a week later. It's pretty certain I tore something, it's just about figuring out exactly what I tore. Needless to say, I am in pain pretty much everyday, and I have painkillers that don't knock me the fuck out but allow me to work. I am still in a sling, which is super annoying. Hopefully I will not have to have surgery, which my dietitian says I am not healthy enough to have anyway.
I'm completely obsessed with the Olympics so that has been a good distraction, but sometimes not good enough. Flashbacks, panic attacks, and your basic freakouts happen on a regular basis. It's hard to make it through the night.
My new therapist does not text in between sessions, unlike my previous therapist. This has been hard. But maybe this will be good for me. I will have to learn to depend on myself. Which....is scary. I am able to email her though and that provides me with some relief.
That's about all that's going on. Still working a lot and busy with appointments. I'm tired.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
A revelation and other things...
Tonight, I took the kids I nanny to diving practice. This is the same pool I coached at last summer, so I know a lot of the people there. I have known for years that my old therapist and her family belong there as well. And I even ran into her last summer. Tonight I ran into her again. I actually went up to her. I saw her as a therapist for 5 years and it was an intense and sometimes complicated and unhealthy relationship, and in the end I chose to leave her because things were too messy. But I hold no hard feelings against her. She saved my life in a lot of ways and saw me through the hellish years of high school. So, even though I get nervous when I see her, I never pass up an opportunity to go up and talk to her. And so that is what I did. She gave me a big hug and we talked for about 10 minutes. Just catching her up on where I am working these days, talking about our dogs, where I am living, and other gossip. At one point she said to me, "Well, you look wonderful!" To which I replied with, "Thank you! I have gained a lot of weight..." She said, "but you look healthy and happy". To most people in recovery from an eating disorder, the word "healthy" is not a positive compliment. And usually I roll my eyes to myself when someone says that because I don't think they really mean that, blah blah blah. But when she said it to me, I felt that she meant it. I felt that she was happy for me. She also mentioned that it seemed like I was doing really well. The topic of my eating disorder and other related issues never came up, but perhaps what she was seeing was my "inner light", which so many people have told me over the past year that I have such a thing. It motivated me to start doing better with life, with recovery. For so long I have wanted and tried to be sicker in order to gain attention and so-called praise. But tonight, something switched on (or off) in my brain. I realized how happy this person was for me. And she wasn't just some unimportant person in my life. She knew me like the back of her hand and knew all my deepest, darkest secrets. She was genuine in her compliments for me and it made me feel happy.
Depression wise, things are kind of at a stand still. That heaviness I was feeling is still there, though not quite as intense. I think I'm more numb than anything. Although, sometimes I wonder if I can really tell at all how I'm feeling. I'm not quite sure. It's frustrating. Thoughts of suicide are definitely still there, especially when I think about my future. I'm trying really hard to push through that, and of course stay honest with those thoughts.
I started a new medication for my depression. It's called Abilify and I am taking it in addition to the Prozac. It's make me pretty nauseous, but that's really the only side effect. I've only been on it a few days. Hopefully it will start to work soon.
Things with food are pretty okay. 2 weeks no purging. I struggle with restricting here and there, especially on the days that my anxiety is sky-high. It's by no means normal, or anywhere close to it. I'm scared of eating normal, of gaining weight. Speaking of that, I'm having a horrible time with body image. Especially since now the weather is so hot that I have to wear shorts. I try to remind myself of how strong my body is now, and that I'm healthy. Even though I know about where my weight is right now, I am making myself not look at my weight at my dietitian appointments, or using the scale at work. It gets me no where.
Tomorrow and Friday I have therapy and dietitian appointments. I'm pretty anxious about them. I do have a lot going on and I just hope I can find the strength to stay honest and use the tools and wisdom my treatment team provides me with.
Depression wise, things are kind of at a stand still. That heaviness I was feeling is still there, though not quite as intense. I think I'm more numb than anything. Although, sometimes I wonder if I can really tell at all how I'm feeling. I'm not quite sure. It's frustrating. Thoughts of suicide are definitely still there, especially when I think about my future. I'm trying really hard to push through that, and of course stay honest with those thoughts.
I started a new medication for my depression. It's called Abilify and I am taking it in addition to the Prozac. It's make me pretty nauseous, but that's really the only side effect. I've only been on it a few days. Hopefully it will start to work soon.
Things with food are pretty okay. 2 weeks no purging. I struggle with restricting here and there, especially on the days that my anxiety is sky-high. It's by no means normal, or anywhere close to it. I'm scared of eating normal, of gaining weight. Speaking of that, I'm having a horrible time with body image. Especially since now the weather is so hot that I have to wear shorts. I try to remind myself of how strong my body is now, and that I'm healthy. Even though I know about where my weight is right now, I am making myself not look at my weight at my dietitian appointments, or using the scale at work. It gets me no where.
Tomorrow and Friday I have therapy and dietitian appointments. I'm pretty anxious about them. I do have a lot going on and I just hope I can find the strength to stay honest and use the tools and wisdom my treatment team provides me with.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
up and down back and forth
I've been using the word "limbo" a lot to describe my state of mine lately. I really can't think of a better word. It's so black and white with me. Yes I want recovery! No I don't want to do this anymore! It's beyond frustrating. I have small, quick moments that are full of hope and positivity and self-belief. But they are few and far between. It's honestly exhausting and maddening to try and write or talk about what I feel. I can't form a complete sentence about it, which is why I am SO hesitant towards therapy. I'm afraid I won't make sense, and I'm afraid that this cycle of relapse/recovery will forever be one I struggle with.
My eating is becoming more and more normal. I have not purged in 6 days, tomorrow will be 1 week without it. I do feel a TON better physically. I was really damaging my body fast by the purging, and I just knew I couldn't keep up with my job if I was to continue to do that, so that's ultimately why I stopped. But I think about it every single day. And I WANT to do it, but I'm not. I'm eating more normally, like I said, but my thoughts are out of control. I hate that. I hate the extreme guilt and disgust, the feeling like I am doing something wrong by eating right. My body image is terrible. The amount of comparing I am doing to other people is ridiculous. I feel like everyone is thinner than I am. Even though I know it's not true, I sometimes believe that losing weight will make things so much better.
I went to church this morning. It was a church I haven't been to before. It reminded me SO much of the kind of church I went to in Remuda. The songs and sermons were so similar. I found myself in tears during one of the songs. I was crying out for help from God, for Him to heal my heart and my soul, to help me help myself. It was honestly a very moving and uplifting and clarifying experience. I am so glad I went and I am definitely going to go back next week.
I am returning to therapy this week and I am scared beyond words. I trust my therapist, I really do. But sometimes I am worried that I am not getting what I need out of therapy and I'm worried that if I voice that to my therapist that she is going to disagree. I'm just nervous and don't know what to expect but I guess all I can do is go and give it a try and see how it goes.
I haven't felt AS depressed this weekend, simply because it's the weekend and I don't have the added stress of work and other commitments. But it's definitely still lingering and I have that feeling of being trapped in my brain, in my thoughts, with escape feeling so far away. I don't want this whole borderline suicidal business to continue. I feel like an annoying, weak, pathetic person for struggling with this.
I guess I will see how this week goes, try and keep up the no more purging. And...no more self harm. Oh yeah, I self harmed the other night. Haven't told anyone about that. Because really...what are they going to say? I don't want to hear it. Anyway. That's all I got for now.
My eating is becoming more and more normal. I have not purged in 6 days, tomorrow will be 1 week without it. I do feel a TON better physically. I was really damaging my body fast by the purging, and I just knew I couldn't keep up with my job if I was to continue to do that, so that's ultimately why I stopped. But I think about it every single day. And I WANT to do it, but I'm not. I'm eating more normally, like I said, but my thoughts are out of control. I hate that. I hate the extreme guilt and disgust, the feeling like I am doing something wrong by eating right. My body image is terrible. The amount of comparing I am doing to other people is ridiculous. I feel like everyone is thinner than I am. Even though I know it's not true, I sometimes believe that losing weight will make things so much better.
I went to church this morning. It was a church I haven't been to before. It reminded me SO much of the kind of church I went to in Remuda. The songs and sermons were so similar. I found myself in tears during one of the songs. I was crying out for help from God, for Him to heal my heart and my soul, to help me help myself. It was honestly a very moving and uplifting and clarifying experience. I am so glad I went and I am definitely going to go back next week.
I am returning to therapy this week and I am scared beyond words. I trust my therapist, I really do. But sometimes I am worried that I am not getting what I need out of therapy and I'm worried that if I voice that to my therapist that she is going to disagree. I'm just nervous and don't know what to expect but I guess all I can do is go and give it a try and see how it goes.
I haven't felt AS depressed this weekend, simply because it's the weekend and I don't have the added stress of work and other commitments. But it's definitely still lingering and I have that feeling of being trapped in my brain, in my thoughts, with escape feeling so far away. I don't want this whole borderline suicidal business to continue. I feel like an annoying, weak, pathetic person for struggling with this.
I guess I will see how this week goes, try and keep up the no more purging. And...no more self harm. Oh yeah, I self harmed the other night. Haven't told anyone about that. Because really...what are they going to say? I don't want to hear it. Anyway. That's all I got for now.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Bravery.
I got brave tonight. I emailed my therapist and admitted I needed help, that I was scared, and even though I hated myself for reaching out to her, I trust her and need her help. It's so painful waiting for a response.
I decided to reach out for help because, like I said, I was scared. I was having intrusive thoughts that could turn into very dangerous behaviors. I've come too far to go back to where I was in February 2011, suicidal and in the psychiatric hospital and on death's door from my ED. Deep down I don't want to die. But when things get really hard like they have been, something in my brain seems to think that's the best way out.
I had a conversation with a friend tonight that really made me wonder. Maybe I need to change up what I'm doing with therapy. Whether that be seeing a new therapist (which I REALLY don't want to do) or trying out DBT or EMDR or something else. I just feel like I need something different. Talking isn't really getting me anywhere these days. My dietitian has been helpful in the sense that every time I see her she gives me an assignment. For example, she had me buy calcium supplements and iron supplements and told me how much to take on a daily basis. She also had me research churches in my area and gymnastics gyms that offer adult classes. She always follows up with me on these assignments. It's accountability I guess. And it's helped me. I found a church. I signed up for gymnastics classes and I am taking my supplements. Maybe that's what I need to start doing with therapy. I don't know. And that's one of the things I addressed in my email to my therapist.
I've been seeking out all sorts of inspiration for recovery. I bought Johanna Kandel's book "Life Beyond Your Eating Disorder" a while back and I have started reading that again. I am going through assignments in my Remuda Ranch binder. I am reading inspirational blogs. I have deleted people off of my Facebook and Twitter who are not in recovery or who are triggering. I have been making inspirational playlists and spending more time devoted to prayer and meditation.
Today was day 3 of no purging. Which is the longest I have gone in a month. Woo Hoo! It's getting easier, it really is. Once you begin to break that cycle, the urges are less and less. I am still struggling with restricting though.
I am anxious for my dietitian appointment on Friday for a multitude of reasons. I know it will be a positive appointment. I am going to continue to NOT look at my weight and ask my dietitian to NOT tell me what the numbers are doing.
Things are improving, slowly but surely.
I decided to reach out for help because, like I said, I was scared. I was having intrusive thoughts that could turn into very dangerous behaviors. I've come too far to go back to where I was in February 2011, suicidal and in the psychiatric hospital and on death's door from my ED. Deep down I don't want to die. But when things get really hard like they have been, something in my brain seems to think that's the best way out.
I had a conversation with a friend tonight that really made me wonder. Maybe I need to change up what I'm doing with therapy. Whether that be seeing a new therapist (which I REALLY don't want to do) or trying out DBT or EMDR or something else. I just feel like I need something different. Talking isn't really getting me anywhere these days. My dietitian has been helpful in the sense that every time I see her she gives me an assignment. For example, she had me buy calcium supplements and iron supplements and told me how much to take on a daily basis. She also had me research churches in my area and gymnastics gyms that offer adult classes. She always follows up with me on these assignments. It's accountability I guess. And it's helped me. I found a church. I signed up for gymnastics classes and I am taking my supplements. Maybe that's what I need to start doing with therapy. I don't know. And that's one of the things I addressed in my email to my therapist.
I've been seeking out all sorts of inspiration for recovery. I bought Johanna Kandel's book "Life Beyond Your Eating Disorder" a while back and I have started reading that again. I am going through assignments in my Remuda Ranch binder. I am reading inspirational blogs. I have deleted people off of my Facebook and Twitter who are not in recovery or who are triggering. I have been making inspirational playlists and spending more time devoted to prayer and meditation.
Today was day 3 of no purging. Which is the longest I have gone in a month. Woo Hoo! It's getting easier, it really is. Once you begin to break that cycle, the urges are less and less. I am still struggling with restricting though.
I am anxious for my dietitian appointment on Friday for a multitude of reasons. I know it will be a positive appointment. I am going to continue to NOT look at my weight and ask my dietitian to NOT tell me what the numbers are doing.
Things are improving, slowly but surely.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Depressed
Today was a freaking awful day. I had therapy this morning and it sucked. I have been contemplating lately whether or not I should take a break from therapy. Because honestly right now it's just not doing much for me and I'm sick of talking about my feelings. So I made the decision today to take a break from therapy. I honestly felt SO much better after making that decision, which is weird. I have been in therapy once, sometimes twice, a week for the past 10 years of my life. The longest period of time I have gone without therapy is 3 months in those 10 years. I'm not saying that I am never going back to therapy. I think I still have a lot of work to do. But, right now I just need to step back and clear my head. My therapist seemed concerned, but said she put me down on her schedule for the week after next. I didn't say anything. I guess I will see how I feel next week without therapy and go from there. But as of right now, I am thinking of taking at least 3 weeks off. She says she thinks I need to be coming in every week right now.
I would love to be able to see my dietitian every week. I honestly have been finding our appointments SO helpful. I don't know why my dietitian sessions are helpful, and my therapy ones aren't. Maybe it doesn't matter. Or maybe it does? I don't know. The problem is I can't afford to see my dietitian once a week right now. So after our session next Friday, I am going to have to cut that back as well.
Last week someone asked me if I was depressed. I said absolutely not. Today I began to re-think that answer. And I have concluded that I know I am depressed. It's not debilitating. I still am able to function and go to work. But this depression is affecting my attitude, energy, patience level, and motivation, among other things. Obviously I know how to conquer this depression, but it's hard to remember what to do in the moment. Lately, I have had to have people remind me what to do. It's like I know somewhere in my head how to do this or what to do, but I don't automatically think of it. I tend to just stay stuck. That's so frustrating.
I got off work today and went to my parent's house. Which proved to be a bad choice. I felt annoyed and irritated and ignored. So I just left, without dinner and without talking to anyone really. I came home and attempted to hang out with my roommate, but my anxiety was at about a 9 1/2 at that point and I just needed to go to my room. I thought about reaching out to my therapist. But I couldn't because I felt like that would make me the biggest hypocrite in the world....telling her a few hours earlier I didn't want/need therapy right now, and then reaching out for help a few hours later. It would have made me feel really stupid. So I didn't. Instead, I called my second mom and talked to her. She helped calm my anxiety, gave me an "assignment" to journal and eat something, and then call her back in an hour to check back in. It was accountability and that was freakin' awesome to have. She wants me to check back in with her tomorrow.
So, that's what's going on with me. It pretty much sucks. But I want to end on a good note and say that I talked to my favorite RR staff person today and she made me laugh and gave me some encouragement. And to hear her say (or rather read) that she believes I will get through this (after all she went through with me, seeing me through treatment two times)....just gave me so much strength. I wish I could have reached through the computer and given her a hug in that moment.
And I've made it two days without purging. :)
I would love to be able to see my dietitian every week. I honestly have been finding our appointments SO helpful. I don't know why my dietitian sessions are helpful, and my therapy ones aren't. Maybe it doesn't matter. Or maybe it does? I don't know. The problem is I can't afford to see my dietitian once a week right now. So after our session next Friday, I am going to have to cut that back as well.
Last week someone asked me if I was depressed. I said absolutely not. Today I began to re-think that answer. And I have concluded that I know I am depressed. It's not debilitating. I still am able to function and go to work. But this depression is affecting my attitude, energy, patience level, and motivation, among other things. Obviously I know how to conquer this depression, but it's hard to remember what to do in the moment. Lately, I have had to have people remind me what to do. It's like I know somewhere in my head how to do this or what to do, but I don't automatically think of it. I tend to just stay stuck. That's so frustrating.
I got off work today and went to my parent's house. Which proved to be a bad choice. I felt annoyed and irritated and ignored. So I just left, without dinner and without talking to anyone really. I came home and attempted to hang out with my roommate, but my anxiety was at about a 9 1/2 at that point and I just needed to go to my room. I thought about reaching out to my therapist. But I couldn't because I felt like that would make me the biggest hypocrite in the world....telling her a few hours earlier I didn't want/need therapy right now, and then reaching out for help a few hours later. It would have made me feel really stupid. So I didn't. Instead, I called my second mom and talked to her. She helped calm my anxiety, gave me an "assignment" to journal and eat something, and then call her back in an hour to check back in. It was accountability and that was freakin' awesome to have. She wants me to check back in with her tomorrow.
So, that's what's going on with me. It pretty much sucks. But I want to end on a good note and say that I talked to my favorite RR staff person today and she made me laugh and gave me some encouragement. And to hear her say (or rather read) that she believes I will get through this (after all she went through with me, seeing me through treatment two times)....just gave me so much strength. I wish I could have reached through the computer and given her a hug in that moment.
And I've made it two days without purging. :)
Friday, May 4, 2012
Defeated
I feel completely defeated. I know there is fight inside of me, but I really don't feel it right now. I guess it's a good sign that I am staying honest with my treatment team and continuing to go to appointments, but that's really the only good thing that I'm doing right now, at least in my mind.
I saw my dietitian today. Pretty sure my weight went down. I didn't look at the final number, but it was lower than it was at my doctor appointment a week ago. I had a REALLY good session with her today. I am so glad that she is helping me strengthen my relationship with God. We didn't even talk that much about food stuff, but more about what I can do emotionally and spiritually to get back on track and be fulfilled. I told her about my screwy lab results and she is putting me on Vitamin D supplements, iron supplements, and calcium supplements. That's a whole freaking lot of supplements, but I guess I really do need it. She commented on how much my demeanor has changed since I started using behaviors. How I don't hold my head high and I am moving slower and I seem full of anxiety and exhaustion. She's so right. I have a pretty good intuition and I sense things really easily, and I sensed fear and concern from my dietitian today. And that made me feel scared and concerned as well. She wants me to keep coming in once a week. That's going to be tough as far as money goes. I haven't told my parents what is going on and I'm starting to think that maybe I should because maybe I need their help with paying for my sessions. I haven't decided if I am going to talk to them about it or not. I'm scared of their reaction.
I was depleted of all energy and life today. I was pretty convinced that I was going to faint any minute. I knew I was dehydrated. I didn't purge today though, which is a step in the right direction. Let's just see how long I can keep that up. Because honestly I'm so addicted to that high right now that I get from purging, the physical and mental release I get from it. I told my dietitian that if I can stop purging, then I feel like things would improve SO much. The purging is really, really dangerous for me and it's just fueling a vicious cycle. I am scared for my health. I'm scared of dying. Maybe that's going over the top, but I do have that fear and it's terrifying.
Right next to me on the bed is a worksheet I did while at Remuda. It lists areas of your life, such as body, self, relationships, and God. My assignment was to list what I value in each of those areas, and how the ED interferes or creates an inconsistency. The thing I wrote that stands out to me the most is this. "I want to live a long time. I want my body to be strong. I'm taking years off my life when I use my eating disorder and by not fueling my body, I can't be strong."
This still is true. I still want those things and I still believe that my ED is going to prevent me from achieving that.
Is this a relapse?
It's frustrating because I know what to do. I know what skills to use. I know how to help myself. I know how to use the advice that my treatment team is giving me. But, I am SO stuck. It's scary to me that I was doing SO well with recovery. I felt the best I have EVER felt. And now I feel like I'm just throwing it away and going back to hell. I don't know what it's going to take to get me un-stuck. I'm really frustrated and angry about that.
Well, I'm completely exhausted in every way imaginable It's 11pm and I really think maybe I should go to bed. I need to get lots of rest and somehow find it in me to push through this and move forward.
I saw my dietitian today. Pretty sure my weight went down. I didn't look at the final number, but it was lower than it was at my doctor appointment a week ago. I had a REALLY good session with her today. I am so glad that she is helping me strengthen my relationship with God. We didn't even talk that much about food stuff, but more about what I can do emotionally and spiritually to get back on track and be fulfilled. I told her about my screwy lab results and she is putting me on Vitamin D supplements, iron supplements, and calcium supplements. That's a whole freaking lot of supplements, but I guess I really do need it. She commented on how much my demeanor has changed since I started using behaviors. How I don't hold my head high and I am moving slower and I seem full of anxiety and exhaustion. She's so right. I have a pretty good intuition and I sense things really easily, and I sensed fear and concern from my dietitian today. And that made me feel scared and concerned as well. She wants me to keep coming in once a week. That's going to be tough as far as money goes. I haven't told my parents what is going on and I'm starting to think that maybe I should because maybe I need their help with paying for my sessions. I haven't decided if I am going to talk to them about it or not. I'm scared of their reaction.
I was depleted of all energy and life today. I was pretty convinced that I was going to faint any minute. I knew I was dehydrated. I didn't purge today though, which is a step in the right direction. Let's just see how long I can keep that up. Because honestly I'm so addicted to that high right now that I get from purging, the physical and mental release I get from it. I told my dietitian that if I can stop purging, then I feel like things would improve SO much. The purging is really, really dangerous for me and it's just fueling a vicious cycle. I am scared for my health. I'm scared of dying. Maybe that's going over the top, but I do have that fear and it's terrifying.
Right next to me on the bed is a worksheet I did while at Remuda. It lists areas of your life, such as body, self, relationships, and God. My assignment was to list what I value in each of those areas, and how the ED interferes or creates an inconsistency. The thing I wrote that stands out to me the most is this. "I want to live a long time. I want my body to be strong. I'm taking years off my life when I use my eating disorder and by not fueling my body, I can't be strong."
This still is true. I still want those things and I still believe that my ED is going to prevent me from achieving that.
Is this a relapse?
It's frustrating because I know what to do. I know what skills to use. I know how to help myself. I know how to use the advice that my treatment team is giving me. But, I am SO stuck. It's scary to me that I was doing SO well with recovery. I felt the best I have EVER felt. And now I feel like I'm just throwing it away and going back to hell. I don't know what it's going to take to get me un-stuck. I'm really frustrated and angry about that.
Well, I'm completely exhausted in every way imaginable It's 11pm and I really think maybe I should go to bed. I need to get lots of rest and somehow find it in me to push through this and move forward.
Friday, April 27, 2012
Day 1 and other thoughts
Today makes 1 days without purging. Honestly, it was really fucking hard. In my head, if I wasn't going to purge, then I had to eat a "safe" amount. Which translates into major restricting. Lunch actually wasn't as horrible as I thought. I feel like I tolerated it pretty well, not feeling too much anxiety. But dinner was a different story. I felt really hungry. But I was super, super anxious about eating so much that I felt full, and then wanting to purge. So I ate barely anything. I apologize if this is triggering. I try really hard to not use specific foods, calories, numbers.
I saw my primary doctor this morning. I said in my last blog post that I was going to do a blind weight. Well, that didn't happen. I looked at my weight, and was kind of surprised. I honestly expected it to be higher. Oh well. I told my doctor a little bit about what has been going on. She was super supportive. I get the feeling she doesn't know much about eating disorders, but she didn't say anything that was harmful, thank God. She seemed concerned, enough to order blood work. She offered her support and wants me back in 6 months, pending the blood work results, but said she is there for me if I need to see her before then.
Quite honestly I am worried about my physical state. Although I have only purged a few times, I can feel the toll it has taken on my body, combined with the restricting. It scares me. I'm scared of passing out at work, especially around the kids, or passing out while driving or in the shower. I'm scared of something going wrong with my heart. This should be motivation enough to get back on track. Wrong. In my head I feel like I have to continue doing what I'm doing in order to prove my my treatment team that I am hurting and having a really hard time with a lot of different things. They have told me time and time again that I never need to prove to them my pain. And then there's the thought that, "well once I get down to x amount of pounds, then I can go back to doing well with my meal plan." That's a bunch of bullshit and I know it.
I do feel like I have a good idea of what I need to do to get back on track. Anxiety is a huge factor for why I am struggling so much. My dietitian gave me a light exercise plan to try out in hopes of lowering my anxiety. My therapist mentioned something I might do to help with trauma stuff, haven't mind up my mind about that yet though. I increased one of my anxiety medications and hopefully that will help as well. I just need to use my tools, pull out my Remuda binder, keep writing in my journal, and reaching out for help to those who can help me. Although, the trick is actually doing all of these things.
So, yeah. I'm just having really shitty time right now and I suck.
I saw my primary doctor this morning. I said in my last blog post that I was going to do a blind weight. Well, that didn't happen. I looked at my weight, and was kind of surprised. I honestly expected it to be higher. Oh well. I told my doctor a little bit about what has been going on. She was super supportive. I get the feeling she doesn't know much about eating disorders, but she didn't say anything that was harmful, thank God. She seemed concerned, enough to order blood work. She offered her support and wants me back in 6 months, pending the blood work results, but said she is there for me if I need to see her before then.
Quite honestly I am worried about my physical state. Although I have only purged a few times, I can feel the toll it has taken on my body, combined with the restricting. It scares me. I'm scared of passing out at work, especially around the kids, or passing out while driving or in the shower. I'm scared of something going wrong with my heart. This should be motivation enough to get back on track. Wrong. In my head I feel like I have to continue doing what I'm doing in order to prove my my treatment team that I am hurting and having a really hard time with a lot of different things. They have told me time and time again that I never need to prove to them my pain. And then there's the thought that, "well once I get down to x amount of pounds, then I can go back to doing well with my meal plan." That's a bunch of bullshit and I know it.
I do feel like I have a good idea of what I need to do to get back on track. Anxiety is a huge factor for why I am struggling so much. My dietitian gave me a light exercise plan to try out in hopes of lowering my anxiety. My therapist mentioned something I might do to help with trauma stuff, haven't mind up my mind about that yet though. I increased one of my anxiety medications and hopefully that will help as well. I just need to use my tools, pull out my Remuda binder, keep writing in my journal, and reaching out for help to those who can help me. Although, the trick is actually doing all of these things.
So, yeah. I'm just having really shitty time right now and I suck.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Spiral
You know, I'm not even sure how to write this post. There is a lot I want to say, but I'm not going to say all of it.
I have been on a downward spiral. I can't really figure out why or what started it. I do have my suspicions. I guess what's important is not what causes this spiral, but how I can get myself out of it. But with this downward spiral, my sense of how to help myself seems to have escaped me. I can think of several ways to dig myself out of this. I KNOW what to do. But it's like I have lost the ability to do it. I think that's one of the most frustration things about myself. That I know what I need to do, or should do, or have to do, but I can't get myself to actually do it. I struggle with this lack of motivation in pretty much every aspect of my life. It's beyond frustrating.
Eating has been horrible. And you know, it doesn't help that I purged for the first time in a year. I can't even believe I did it, but I totally saw it coming. I haven't told anyone about it yet, not even my treatment team/support system. I am ashamed. I know there will be disappointment and frustration all around from everyone. I know I will hear, "You aren't letting me down, you are letting yourself down."
I feel like I need to pretend I'm back at Remuda again. Eat my meals, eat snacks if I need to, replenish with Gatorade.
I struggle A LOT with not having an appetite. Largely due to my anxiety, if not that being the main cause. I tend to make "excuses" for skipping meals or restricting, saying that I just wasn't hungry. I never thought that was a good enough reason, but I let myself get away with it. Now I'm beginning to realize that my hunger cues aren't going to come back by themselves. Maybe I need to force myself to eat even though my appetite is non existent. In my own personal experience, that has to be the most uncomfortable feeling ever. Eating when you are not hungry. But at the same time, that's how recovery is done sometimes.
I feel like I have been a major bitch lately, mostly to my parents and I feel awful about that. But I can't tell them what's going on (even though they probably suspect something). I don't want to worry them, and I don't want the endless questions and looks of frustration. It will not help me. I am definitely pulling away from my friends. I feel like a hypocrite saying that because I have been having struggling with feeling lonely because I feel like at least 3 of my good friends have pulled away from me. Isolation is so dangerous for me. But I don't want to burden people, I don't want to be a disappointment and I don't want to trigger people.
My immune system is absolute crap right now. I have been sick for 2 1/2 weeks. I can't get rid of this virus, which has turned into tonsillitis now. Not eating and the one-time purge is not helping...I know this.
Next week is full of appointments and such. I guess it's a good thing since I have seemed to be falling apart lately. I'm not really looking forward to the massive amounts of talking about feelings that will be going on, but perhaps I will gain some insight and clarity, and get myself back on track.
But for now, I need to take things one day at a time I think. Try not to get ahead of myself and dwell on the future, or the past for that matter. I can't lose all the progress I have made this year. I would be devastated if that happened. I need to get it together.
I have been on a downward spiral. I can't really figure out why or what started it. I do have my suspicions. I guess what's important is not what causes this spiral, but how I can get myself out of it. But with this downward spiral, my sense of how to help myself seems to have escaped me. I can think of several ways to dig myself out of this. I KNOW what to do. But it's like I have lost the ability to do it. I think that's one of the most frustration things about myself. That I know what I need to do, or should do, or have to do, but I can't get myself to actually do it. I struggle with this lack of motivation in pretty much every aspect of my life. It's beyond frustrating.
Eating has been horrible. And you know, it doesn't help that I purged for the first time in a year. I can't even believe I did it, but I totally saw it coming. I haven't told anyone about it yet, not even my treatment team/support system. I am ashamed. I know there will be disappointment and frustration all around from everyone. I know I will hear, "You aren't letting me down, you are letting yourself down."
I feel like I need to pretend I'm back at Remuda again. Eat my meals, eat snacks if I need to, replenish with Gatorade.
I struggle A LOT with not having an appetite. Largely due to my anxiety, if not that being the main cause. I tend to make "excuses" for skipping meals or restricting, saying that I just wasn't hungry. I never thought that was a good enough reason, but I let myself get away with it. Now I'm beginning to realize that my hunger cues aren't going to come back by themselves. Maybe I need to force myself to eat even though my appetite is non existent. In my own personal experience, that has to be the most uncomfortable feeling ever. Eating when you are not hungry. But at the same time, that's how recovery is done sometimes.
I feel like I have been a major bitch lately, mostly to my parents and I feel awful about that. But I can't tell them what's going on (even though they probably suspect something). I don't want to worry them, and I don't want the endless questions and looks of frustration. It will not help me. I am definitely pulling away from my friends. I feel like a hypocrite saying that because I have been having struggling with feeling lonely because I feel like at least 3 of my good friends have pulled away from me. Isolation is so dangerous for me. But I don't want to burden people, I don't want to be a disappointment and I don't want to trigger people.
My immune system is absolute crap right now. I have been sick for 2 1/2 weeks. I can't get rid of this virus, which has turned into tonsillitis now. Not eating and the one-time purge is not helping...I know this.
Next week is full of appointments and such. I guess it's a good thing since I have seemed to be falling apart lately. I'm not really looking forward to the massive amounts of talking about feelings that will be going on, but perhaps I will gain some insight and clarity, and get myself back on track.
But for now, I need to take things one day at a time I think. Try not to get ahead of myself and dwell on the future, or the past for that matter. I can't lose all the progress I have made this year. I would be devastated if that happened. I need to get it together.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Complete Rambling
I guess the words to describe what I am feeling are...confused, frustrated, angry, depressed, and done. To me, it feels like I'm almost at a crossroads in my recovery. It's so tempting to go back to what is normal for me. It would be so easy, so familiar and comfortable. Yet, there is a part of me, this fairly new part of me, that for several months, actually imagined myself without an eating disorder. I could almost feel what it would feel like. It was very freeing, it was happy, it was something I thought I would never feel. That part of me is still there somewhere. I want to get back in touch with it. But I cannot find the motivation to find the motivation to do that (if that makes sense). It's a miserable feeling. I am terrified of never getting that motivation back. I'm used to not getting it back. I'm used to just existing and not living. What makes this time different?
The more I think about it, the more I want to get back to the Holly that I was right after Remuda. I don't want to relapse EVER again. I want this to be it.
What is making it so hard right now? I don't understand that. Am I not working hard enough? I feel like I have been working my butt off at recovery. I guess I need to try harder.
I'm almost at this point where I'm done. I want to turn my phone off. Stop communicating with my friends (who mean the world to me), stop talking to people, stop coming to therapy, etc.
But I just feel so...lost and incredibly frustrated and pissed off. For some reason I am angry at people who have completely recovered. It doesn't make sense to me. How does that work? I don't get how you can not have an ED at all anymore. It also makes me incredibly jealous and envious. And that something must be wrong with me that 9 years into my eating disorder, I still haven't managed to recover. It's scary and irritating.
My therapist and dietitian are absolutely wonderful and amazing people. I feel like they deserve so much more than what I am giving them. I wish I had the motivation to try harder. I don't understand what is wrong with me. I'm scared to let go completely of my ED. ED is my worth, the reason people care about me and love me, the reason I get attention and support. Without ED, I am nothing and I don't know who I would be. I guess recovery is a lot about figuring out who you are without ED. I'm having a hard time with that.
Motivation is something I don't have a lot of. I never really have, unless it came to sports. I could wake up at 5am every morning and do sports all day long and not give a second thought about it. I loved it more than anything. But school, recovery, work, my social life, or lack there of...I have a lack of motivation.
So...yeah. No one will probably comment on this. I'm not an inspiration anymore. I'm boring and typical. It's depressing and pathetic.
The more I think about it, the more I want to get back to the Holly that I was right after Remuda. I don't want to relapse EVER again. I want this to be it.
What is making it so hard right now? I don't understand that. Am I not working hard enough? I feel like I have been working my butt off at recovery. I guess I need to try harder.
I'm almost at this point where I'm done. I want to turn my phone off. Stop communicating with my friends (who mean the world to me), stop talking to people, stop coming to therapy, etc.
But I just feel so...lost and incredibly frustrated and pissed off. For some reason I am angry at people who have completely recovered. It doesn't make sense to me. How does that work? I don't get how you can not have an ED at all anymore. It also makes me incredibly jealous and envious. And that something must be wrong with me that 9 years into my eating disorder, I still haven't managed to recover. It's scary and irritating.
My therapist and dietitian are absolutely wonderful and amazing people. I feel like they deserve so much more than what I am giving them. I wish I had the motivation to try harder. I don't understand what is wrong with me. I'm scared to let go completely of my ED. ED is my worth, the reason people care about me and love me, the reason I get attention and support. Without ED, I am nothing and I don't know who I would be. I guess recovery is a lot about figuring out who you are without ED. I'm having a hard time with that.
Motivation is something I don't have a lot of. I never really have, unless it came to sports. I could wake up at 5am every morning and do sports all day long and not give a second thought about it. I loved it more than anything. But school, recovery, work, my social life, or lack there of...I have a lack of motivation.
So...yeah. No one will probably comment on this. I'm not an inspiration anymore. I'm boring and typical. It's depressing and pathetic.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Getting Back on Track
Well, I think I'm finally getting back on track. It's slow, but it's better than nothing.
I have incorporated breakfast back into my days, as much as I don't want to. And while it's not really as much as I should be eating, at least I am starting with something. I am struggling with other meals, but I am being honest about it with my treatment team. I am feeling a lot of anxiety over meals, a lot of the "I'm not really hungry" feelings too. It's been really frustrating. I seem to be hungry for breakfast and lunch, and then by dinner I am not hungry at all. And then a couple hours later I am practically starving.
I saw my therapist on Thursday. That went pretty well. We talked about how anger is playing a huge part in this recent "lapse" that I am going through. For so long I have always felt that when I am angry, I can't express it or let myself feel it because I feel like I am to blame. So I realized that by talking about this with my therapist, that I DO have valid reasons for my anger, especially right now, with everything that's been going on with my family. I have a right to my anger. My therapist gave me a couple of homework assignments to work on until I see her next week, one of them regarding my anger. My therapist was pretty insistent on having me come back next week, instead of waiting two weeks like we have been. I was hesitant and didn't say no, but I didn't say yes either. So my therapist basically told me I am coming back next week, with love of course.
I have been emailing my dietitian every couple of days with my food intake as well as my thoughts and feelings. She emailed me back and said we have a lot to discuss. Our session on Wednesday should be interesting.
I am absolutely disgusted with my body right now. I hate to say that, I hate to be so negative. But I am. I do not know if I am going to be able to wear a bikini this summer. If I had to wear one right now I would be SO embarrassed. I really want to be able to come to a place where I can accept my body. I just...feel so huge.
On a better note, my parent's have decided to take me on a Spring Break trip this year! I am so excited! I haven't been on a vacation (other than our annual family beach vacation) since my Sophomore year of high school when we went to Florida for Thanksgiving. We are going to Kiawah Island in Charleston, South Carolina! I have never been here before and I am so excited! It will be just my parents and I, and my two dogs.
I have group on Monday night. I'm very anxious about this. I've been known to my group as "such a strong person" and I just am feeling embarrassed to go to group and talk about all these struggles that are happening.
There isn't much else going on. I am just so glad it's the weekend. It's so nice to relax.
I have incorporated breakfast back into my days, as much as I don't want to. And while it's not really as much as I should be eating, at least I am starting with something. I am struggling with other meals, but I am being honest about it with my treatment team. I am feeling a lot of anxiety over meals, a lot of the "I'm not really hungry" feelings too. It's been really frustrating. I seem to be hungry for breakfast and lunch, and then by dinner I am not hungry at all. And then a couple hours later I am practically starving.
I saw my therapist on Thursday. That went pretty well. We talked about how anger is playing a huge part in this recent "lapse" that I am going through. For so long I have always felt that when I am angry, I can't express it or let myself feel it because I feel like I am to blame. So I realized that by talking about this with my therapist, that I DO have valid reasons for my anger, especially right now, with everything that's been going on with my family. I have a right to my anger. My therapist gave me a couple of homework assignments to work on until I see her next week, one of them regarding my anger. My therapist was pretty insistent on having me come back next week, instead of waiting two weeks like we have been. I was hesitant and didn't say no, but I didn't say yes either. So my therapist basically told me I am coming back next week, with love of course.
I have been emailing my dietitian every couple of days with my food intake as well as my thoughts and feelings. She emailed me back and said we have a lot to discuss. Our session on Wednesday should be interesting.
I am absolutely disgusted with my body right now. I hate to say that, I hate to be so negative. But I am. I do not know if I am going to be able to wear a bikini this summer. If I had to wear one right now I would be SO embarrassed. I really want to be able to come to a place where I can accept my body. I just...feel so huge.
On a better note, my parent's have decided to take me on a Spring Break trip this year! I am so excited! I haven't been on a vacation (other than our annual family beach vacation) since my Sophomore year of high school when we went to Florida for Thanksgiving. We are going to Kiawah Island in Charleston, South Carolina! I have never been here before and I am so excited! It will be just my parents and I, and my two dogs.
I have group on Monday night. I'm very anxious about this. I've been known to my group as "such a strong person" and I just am feeling embarrassed to go to group and talk about all these struggles that are happening.
There isn't much else going on. I am just so glad it's the weekend. It's so nice to relax.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Continued Struggles
Things are still pretty difficult for me right now. I know in my last blog I wrote about how I felt like I was needing something more than I have been getting, but I wasn't sure what that was. So, I decided to reach out first to my Remuda sisters, and ask for their support and advice. I am so, so glad I did that. No one understands better than them, who know my life story, and know what it's like to struggle with an eating disorder. So it was really awesome to hear back from them and know I am not alone.
I also emailed my therapist and dietitian. I basically wrote them what I wrote in my last blog. They both sent back really supportive responses. My therapist thinks it would be a good idea for me to start coming back in once a week, as supposed to every two weeks. I felt relieved when I wrote this. I had kind of hoped she would say this. But I was also scared she wouldn't think I needed it. And while I am somewhat embarrassed that I have to increase my sessions again, I really think that this is what I need. I really want to be able to figure out what has caused this increased struggle.
My dietitian suggested I come and see her more often. But I don't think I can afford that. She also suggested I write her daily emails containing my food intake/behaviors/thoughts. I decided to go with this option. Hopefully this will provide some much needed accountability.
So I am feeling more hopeful now that this increased support will get me back on track.
Eating has been difficult. I feel pretty significant anxiety surrounding meals. It's very frustrating. It reminds me of eating meals when I was in treatment. Eating was a chore, an assignment. After treatment, I fell back in love with my favorite foods and enjoyed eating. Up until a couple months ago, I almost felt like I was a "normal eater". I'm not going to lie, when my dietitian suggested I email her my daily food intake, part of me wanted to not respond, and just drop it. I have so much anxiety and shame about sharing with other people what I eat. But, I decided to go with my best judgement and start being accountable with my dietitian.
Sleeping has been difficult lately. I know that it probably had to do with the fact that I'm not getting enough nutrition, and the fact that I'm stressing out about various things. Hopefully I will sleep better this week.
Not much else going on.
Hopefully things will turn around soon.
I also emailed my therapist and dietitian. I basically wrote them what I wrote in my last blog. They both sent back really supportive responses. My therapist thinks it would be a good idea for me to start coming back in once a week, as supposed to every two weeks. I felt relieved when I wrote this. I had kind of hoped she would say this. But I was also scared she wouldn't think I needed it. And while I am somewhat embarrassed that I have to increase my sessions again, I really think that this is what I need. I really want to be able to figure out what has caused this increased struggle.
My dietitian suggested I come and see her more often. But I don't think I can afford that. She also suggested I write her daily emails containing my food intake/behaviors/thoughts. I decided to go with this option. Hopefully this will provide some much needed accountability.
So I am feeling more hopeful now that this increased support will get me back on track.
Eating has been difficult. I feel pretty significant anxiety surrounding meals. It's very frustrating. It reminds me of eating meals when I was in treatment. Eating was a chore, an assignment. After treatment, I fell back in love with my favorite foods and enjoyed eating. Up until a couple months ago, I almost felt like I was a "normal eater". I'm not going to lie, when my dietitian suggested I email her my daily food intake, part of me wanted to not respond, and just drop it. I have so much anxiety and shame about sharing with other people what I eat. But, I decided to go with my best judgement and start being accountable with my dietitian.
Sleeping has been difficult lately. I know that it probably had to do with the fact that I'm not getting enough nutrition, and the fact that I'm stressing out about various things. Hopefully I will sleep better this week.
Not much else going on.
Hopefully things will turn around soon.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
News story my friend wrote about me
“There is no such thing as a life with an eating disorder, because I was dying each and every day I used behaviors,” says a woman eight months into recovery from an eating disorder.
Holly Weisiger, 23, has been battling bulimia and anorexia for many years and is now in a secure place in her recovery. In February 2011, she entered treatment at Remuda Ranch in Bowling Green, Va.
Multiple factors contribute to Weisiger’s success in recovery, two most important being her treatment team, consisting of a therapist, dietitian, psychiatrist and support group, and her friends and family. Faith also plays has a big role in her recovery, she says, “prayer and worship give me a sense of peace and calmness.”
Registered dietitian Rebecca Bitzer agrees, “A team is essential, meaning you need a nutritionist, therapist and psychiatrist. A support group is very helpful.”
Jennifer Shook, who worked as a behavioral health technician at Remuda Ranch agrees that motivation is important to recovery. However, she says that “immediately, what is most important is stabilizing the patient: nutrition, medication, rest and therapy.”
Long term, Shook says that a change in lifestyle is important to make sure that recovery has a chance to last.
At Remuda Ranch, Weisiger was taught many coping skills for dealing with urges to act in eating disordered behavior but finds that distraction is most effective for her. Many things work as distractions for her, such as reading, watching a movie or talking to friends.
“I have a desire to live. I enjoy everything about life. I have happiness,” Weisiger says about what she has gained from recovery. In addition to happiness, she now has trust, faith and, most importantly, hope for the future.
Motivation to get one’s life back is what Bitzer says is the most important aspect of someone being successful in his or her recovery.
Weisiger knows that using her eating disorder behaviors will prevent her from pursuing her dreams. She says she has a passion for healthcare and spreading awareness of eating disorders.
It is a dream of Weisiger’s to be able to tell people her story in hopes of being inspirational to others who are going through struggles of their own.
Shook says that getting to see patients regain their life is the purpose for doing what she does. “It makes you want to jump for joy with them because you are excited for the good that is coming their way and because you are so proud of them,” she says.
Weisiger has been in treatment two times; once when she was 15 and the second time when she was 22, and these experiences differed vastly. At 15, Weisiger did not have a choice to not go to treatment.
At 22, Weisiger recognized she had hit rock bottom and called the center she was at previously, Remuda Ranch, and coordinated her admittance.
Adjusting to life after treatment at 22 was much different than when Weisiger was an adolescent. Weisiger was living on her own and did not have the constant monitoring of her parents to make sure she was completing her meals.
Because of this lack of structure, Weisiger made sure that she had a schedule to follow every day. Being on her own required Weisiger to gain the trust of her family and treatment team that she is being truthful with them.
Elizabeth Willcox-Weisiger, Holly Weisiger’s mother, says that she is “proudest that she recognizes her lack of self control and admits she needs help.”
Currently, Weisiger is working as a nanny. Having this job has taught her that if she cannot take care of herself, she cannot take care of the three children she is responsible for and have them look up to her.
Weisiger believes that she is doing a good job, making sure to “send them healthy messages and encourage them when they say something negative,” she said.
Recovery is “so much about doing and being things that are non-eating disorder related; getting back to school, back to work, being more engaged in life,” Bitzer says.
Many people have inspired Weisiger to get her health back, but two women stand out above the rest.
Weisiger’s dietitian for two months when she was in treatment at 15 has had a strong influence on her life. She showed her strong belief and care for Weisiger and was not disappointed when she had to return to treatment seven years later; she was proud she was getting the help she needed.
Kathleen MacDonald, who is recovered from an eating disorder, helped talk with Holly through the hardest part of her relapse and encouraged her to go back into treatment. MacDonald inspires and motivates Weisiger each day.
“It is a given you are beautiful because you are alive,” are words of MacDonald that Weisiger makes sure to remember daily.
Weisiger faces daily struggles; “recovery is not a straight path. Slips are expected, but it’s how I pull myself out of these slips that matters,” she says of her struggles.
Bringing up sensitive and tough subjects in therapy is very hard for her, but she pushes through because she knows that if she keeps these thoughts to herself she is only harming herself.
In treatment, the hardest thing that Weisiger dealt with was eating three meals, three snacks and weight-gain supplements each day. Often, doing this made her cry before, during and after meals “because it was going against everything my eating disorder wanted me to do,” she said.
Weisiger’s favorite memories from Remuda Ranch involved equine therapy with her horse, Dude. She felt a very deep connection with him and looked forward to twice-weekly trail rides.
Shook says that working with patients in recovery and seeing them begin to “appreciate the small things in life again and look toward a hopeful future was always a constant reminder to myself to appreciate all that I have.”
Living in recovery and resisting urges to act on her eating disorder feels good and bad. The healthy side of Weisiger tells her to be proud and strong for using healthy coping mechanisms, but the eating disorder side of her tells her that she is weak and that she will become fat and lose control.
“I am able to differentiate between my healthy voice and the voice of my eating disorder. These days I resist the urges about 95 percent more than before recovery,” Weisiger said.
Earlier in recovery, it was nearly impossible for Weisiger to recognize and celebrate her successes and accomplishments. She said she was afraid of not knowing who she was without her eating disorder, but now she is able to acknowledge how far she has come in her recovery in the past eight months.
Weisiger was in a “living hell” when she was using her eating disorder, she said. Concentrating, thinking clearly and even walking short distances were extremely difficult for her.
Shook says that the hardest thing she deals with when treating patients with eating disorders “is the hopelessness the patient feels. It can be so hard knowing you cannot convince someone that there is a light at the end of the tunnel when they cannot conceive of such a thing in the moment.”
The cycle of bingeing and purging that Weisiger engaged in caused her to live in seclusion to avoid being judged by people. She lived with a strained relationship with her family, no friends, no sleep and a severe depression.
“I lost a job once because I was barely eating at the time and wasn’t able to keep up at work,” Weisiger said.
Weisiger said, “I think the only thing standing in the way of my recovery…is myself.” She knows that if she gives up hope or doesn’t believe in herself, the eating disorder will win, so she strives to make the right choices and care for herself.
Willcox-Weisiger said she hopes for the day when Weisiger will be able to not identify herself as having an eating disorder. She hopes for the day when Weisiger will feel “more confident about herself and who she really is.”
Many people suffering from eating disorders have similarities. Often, depression is tied in with an eating disorder.
“Perfectionism; extremes of thinking, black and white, all or nothing; ambivalence to treatment, wanting to get better but not wanting to give up the perceived safety of an eating disorder” are patterns that Bitzer notices in the patients she treats.
Weisiger says with assurance that the best thing she has gained from recovery is hope. “I have hope for life; I’ve never been able to say that for myself before. It sure feels awesome!”
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Things are looking up!
Finalllllly, I can write a positive post!
I know my last blog post was kind of depressing and negative. But things are going better, thank goodness. I saw my therapist today. It was a really good session. We talked about Monday night, and how it probably wasn't a good decision to tell my dietitian about my trauma. Not because she doesn't love me (she is the most loving person ever) but because she doesn't really know how to make sure I stay grounded when talking about my past. I don't regret telling her, I only regret not taking better care of myself.
Last week my therapist mentioned taking a field trip to the school where my abuse occurred. I have been thinking a lot about it and thought it would be a good idea. It would help me see that even though bad things happened there, it is not a bad place. And there were good things that did happen there. I think it would help me to make peace with everything and help me move forward. So I said this to my therapist today and she is totally down with it. We are going to take the field trip in 2 weeks. It should be interesting and hopefully a healing experience.
I was talking with my therapist about how I still have a lot of my "anorexic clothes" around my house. In particular, three pairs of jeans that don't fit anymore, not even close. I also have some winter shirts that are tight around my arms and are getting uncomfortable to wear. I don't think I am ready to get rid of all of these clothes yet. There is a tiny piece of me that still wishes I fit into those jeans. My therapist challenged me to get rid of the smallest pair of jeans. I think I can do it, even though it will be hard. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with them. I feel like maybe I need to do some sort of ritual with them. Suggestions?
My therapist said my assignment for this week is to practice grounding skills every morning. I am hoping this will help with my anxiety and my surrounding trauma issues. I am feeling more hopeful, feeling like my anxiety is starting to lessen, and I am getting my power back.
I had a moment today at work when my body image got really bad. Someone I work with (who knows about my eating disorder) said, "Yeah you were kind of too big there for a while but now your weight seems to have leveled out. You looked really bloated for a long time." I'm not really sure why people think it's okay to comment on someone else's weight, especially when you know they have suffered from an eating disorder. I just felt really huge when she said that. Is that way I see myself the way people see me too?
I am getting increasingly anxious about Thanksgiving. It will be my first Thanksgiving in 9 years that I am not using eating disorder behaviors. I will eat breakfast that day, eat lunch, and eat a normal dinner and not binge like crazy and then purge. My dietitian is going to see me next week sometime before Thanksgiving, and I have a session with my therapist the day after. So I know I will have lots of support. Be on the lookout for a "I'm thankful for..." post.
Not much else is going on. I am looking forward to group on Monday night, to get some feedback from my Wise Women about stuff that has been going on. I have decided what I want my next tattoo to be. It's going to be a labyrinth with the word "unbroken" written around it. I can't decide if I want it on the back of my neck or my shoulder blade. I am probably going to wait until after the new year to get it.
Anyway, that's it for now.
I know my last blog post was kind of depressing and negative. But things are going better, thank goodness. I saw my therapist today. It was a really good session. We talked about Monday night, and how it probably wasn't a good decision to tell my dietitian about my trauma. Not because she doesn't love me (she is the most loving person ever) but because she doesn't really know how to make sure I stay grounded when talking about my past. I don't regret telling her, I only regret not taking better care of myself.
Last week my therapist mentioned taking a field trip to the school where my abuse occurred. I have been thinking a lot about it and thought it would be a good idea. It would help me see that even though bad things happened there, it is not a bad place. And there were good things that did happen there. I think it would help me to make peace with everything and help me move forward. So I said this to my therapist today and she is totally down with it. We are going to take the field trip in 2 weeks. It should be interesting and hopefully a healing experience.
I was talking with my therapist about how I still have a lot of my "anorexic clothes" around my house. In particular, three pairs of jeans that don't fit anymore, not even close. I also have some winter shirts that are tight around my arms and are getting uncomfortable to wear. I don't think I am ready to get rid of all of these clothes yet. There is a tiny piece of me that still wishes I fit into those jeans. My therapist challenged me to get rid of the smallest pair of jeans. I think I can do it, even though it will be hard. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with them. I feel like maybe I need to do some sort of ritual with them. Suggestions?
My therapist said my assignment for this week is to practice grounding skills every morning. I am hoping this will help with my anxiety and my surrounding trauma issues. I am feeling more hopeful, feeling like my anxiety is starting to lessen, and I am getting my power back.
I had a moment today at work when my body image got really bad. Someone I work with (who knows about my eating disorder) said, "Yeah you were kind of too big there for a while but now your weight seems to have leveled out. You looked really bloated for a long time." I'm not really sure why people think it's okay to comment on someone else's weight, especially when you know they have suffered from an eating disorder. I just felt really huge when she said that. Is that way I see myself the way people see me too?
I am getting increasingly anxious about Thanksgiving. It will be my first Thanksgiving in 9 years that I am not using eating disorder behaviors. I will eat breakfast that day, eat lunch, and eat a normal dinner and not binge like crazy and then purge. My dietitian is going to see me next week sometime before Thanksgiving, and I have a session with my therapist the day after. So I know I will have lots of support. Be on the lookout for a "I'm thankful for..." post.
Not much else is going on. I am looking forward to group on Monday night, to get some feedback from my Wise Women about stuff that has been going on. I have decided what I want my next tattoo to be. It's going to be a labyrinth with the word "unbroken" written around it. I can't decide if I want it on the back of my neck or my shoulder blade. I am probably going to wait until after the new year to get it.
Anyway, that's it for now.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Stolen from Erin
I stole this idea of a blog post from my friend Erin. Hey Erin!!! I just thought I would do a more relaxed and upbeat blog post for once.
Ten Remuda moments
1. Trail rides with Dude
2. All of the theme days we had. Hat day, Pajama day, crazy hair day, beauty pageant.
3. Meeting the most amazing people
4. Everything MaryLou said or did
5. Bananagrams
6. Coming into our house after meals and sitting by the fire because it was so effing cold outside
7. Table games!
8. Strawberry chex mix
9. Going on pass to Five Below, Panera (which I'm sure they chose just because of me) and Cold Stone
10. Being knocked out by Neurontin
Ten favorite movies
1. 28 Days
2. You've Got Mail
3. The Breakfast Club
4. State of Play
5. Center Stage
6. Soul Surfer
7. Blue Crush
8. Contagion
9. 50 First Dates
10. Inception
Ten favorite gymnastics moments
1. Nastia Liukin winning all around gold in 2008 Olympics
2. Magnificent 7 winning team gold in 1996 Olympics
3. Alicia Sacramone winning gold medal on vault at 2010 world championships
4. Sabrina Vega making 2011 world championship team
5. Shannon Miller winning gold on beam at 1996 Olympics
6. Carly Patterson winning all around gold at 2004 Olympics
7. USA winning team gold at 2007 and 2011 world championships
8. Amanda Bordon's beam routine at team finals at 1996 Olympics
9. Kerri Strug's gold medal winning vault
10. Dominique Moceanu's floor routine at 1996 Olympics
Ten places I want to visit
1. Hawaii
2. Germany
3. France
4. England
5. Australia
6. Grand Canyon
7. Greece
8. San Francisco
9. Italy
10. South Africa
Ten favorite foods
1. Watermelon
2. Pizza
3. Guacamole
4. Craisins
5. Brunswick Stew
6. Greek Yogurt
7. Apples
8. Steamed white rice
9. Dark chocolate
10. Peanut Butter
Ten favorite TV shows (past or current)
1. Golden Girls
2. Chelsea Lately
3. Sex and the City
4. ER
5. Intervention
6. Ellen Degeneres Show
7. Mercy (too bad it was only one season)
8. Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew
9. Seinfeld
10. Law and OrderSVU
Ten most memorable moments in my life
1. Entering recovery from my eating disorder and all my other struggles
2. Winning LIS field hockey championships my senior year of high school
3. All of my accomplishments in diving, especially winning championships my final season
4. Visiting the Carribean for the first time
5. Wilderness Adventure Camp
6. Flying to Arizona. The view is amazing.
7. Getting my dogs, Lucy and Sophie
8. Hearing Kathleen MacDonald speak for the first time
9. Visiting New York City for the first time
10. My first encounter with Dude, my horse at Remuda
Ten websites I visit the most
1. Facebook
2. Twitter
3. Gmail
4. Blogspot
5. Tumblr
6. TMZ
7. International Gymnastics Forum
8. YouTube
9. Playlist.com
10. Pandora
Ten favorite things to do
1. Exercise/sports
2. Write
3. Be outdoors
4. Laugh
5. Give hugs
6. Crafts
7. Go the beach
8. Be with my best friends
9. Listen to music
10. Play with my dogs
Ten things I don't miss about Anorexia and Bulimia
1. Losing my hair
2. Being cold all the time
3. Fighting with my family
4. Not being able to sleep
5. Vomiting blood
6. Lying and being secretive
7. Hating everything about myself
8. Wanting to die
9. Hardly ever smiling or laughing
10. Believing that I was never going to get better and I was going to die from my disease
Ten Remuda moments
1. Trail rides with Dude
2. All of the theme days we had. Hat day, Pajama day, crazy hair day, beauty pageant.
3. Meeting the most amazing people
4. Everything MaryLou said or did
5. Bananagrams
6. Coming into our house after meals and sitting by the fire because it was so effing cold outside
7. Table games!
8. Strawberry chex mix
9. Going on pass to Five Below, Panera (which I'm sure they chose just because of me) and Cold Stone
10. Being knocked out by Neurontin
Ten favorite movies
1. 28 Days
2. You've Got Mail
3. The Breakfast Club
4. State of Play
5. Center Stage
6. Soul Surfer
7. Blue Crush
8. Contagion
9. 50 First Dates
10. Inception
Ten favorite gymnastics moments
1. Nastia Liukin winning all around gold in 2008 Olympics
2. Magnificent 7 winning team gold in 1996 Olympics
3. Alicia Sacramone winning gold medal on vault at 2010 world championships
4. Sabrina Vega making 2011 world championship team
5. Shannon Miller winning gold on beam at 1996 Olympics
6. Carly Patterson winning all around gold at 2004 Olympics
7. USA winning team gold at 2007 and 2011 world championships
8. Amanda Bordon's beam routine at team finals at 1996 Olympics
9. Kerri Strug's gold medal winning vault
10. Dominique Moceanu's floor routine at 1996 Olympics
Ten places I want to visit
1. Hawaii
2. Germany
3. France
4. England
5. Australia
6. Grand Canyon
7. Greece
8. San Francisco
9. Italy
10. South Africa
Ten favorite foods
1. Watermelon
2. Pizza
3. Guacamole
4. Craisins
5. Brunswick Stew
6. Greek Yogurt
7. Apples
8. Steamed white rice
9. Dark chocolate
10. Peanut Butter
Ten favorite TV shows (past or current)
1. Golden Girls
2. Chelsea Lately
3. Sex and the City
4. ER
5. Intervention
6. Ellen Degeneres Show
7. Mercy (too bad it was only one season)
8. Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew
9. Seinfeld
10. Law and OrderSVU
Ten most memorable moments in my life
1. Entering recovery from my eating disorder and all my other struggles
2. Winning LIS field hockey championships my senior year of high school
3. All of my accomplishments in diving, especially winning championships my final season
4. Visiting the Carribean for the first time
5. Wilderness Adventure Camp
6. Flying to Arizona. The view is amazing.
7. Getting my dogs, Lucy and Sophie
8. Hearing Kathleen MacDonald speak for the first time
9. Visiting New York City for the first time
10. My first encounter with Dude, my horse at Remuda
Ten websites I visit the most
1. Facebook
2. Twitter
3. Gmail
4. Blogspot
5. Tumblr
6. TMZ
7. International Gymnastics Forum
8. YouTube
9. Playlist.com
10. Pandora
Ten favorite things to do
1. Exercise/sports
2. Write
3. Be outdoors
4. Laugh
5. Give hugs
6. Crafts
7. Go the beach
8. Be with my best friends
9. Listen to music
10. Play with my dogs
Ten things I don't miss about Anorexia and Bulimia
1. Losing my hair
2. Being cold all the time
3. Fighting with my family
4. Not being able to sleep
5. Vomiting blood
6. Lying and being secretive
7. Hating everything about myself
8. Wanting to die
9. Hardly ever smiling or laughing
10. Believing that I was never going to get better and I was going to die from my disease
Friday, October 28, 2011
You have three choices...
I saw the above quote today and I fell in love with it. What makes this quote so significant for me that that the "it" that the quote is talking about is an eating disorder, well at least that's my interpretation. I have experienced all three of the choices in this quote. I made my ED my identity for the past 8, almost 9, years. Yes I was an athlete, I was a daughter, a sister, a friend, but I was consumed by my ED and that, in my opinion, was my only worth, as crazy as that sounds. The second choice, well it didn't destroy me to the point where I died, but I certaintly have come close. I almost killed myself twice in February. I also had heart palpitations, horrible lab work, and I was vomiting blood. I really did almost die. And that leaves the third choice. You can let it strengthen you. Well here I am, 7 months out of treatment and 7 months into recovery. I can say with complete certainty that it has made me stronger. I can see so clearly now, and the little things in life that get most people down so easily, don't shake me up too much. I just feel stronger. It's kind of hard to give examples. But I have learned so much about myself and my life, and I really feel I am better in all areas, because of my struggles.
I saw my dietitian tonight. We had another good session. It seems that as each day goes by I feel more and more stronger than ED. For example, this week I have had little to no appetite. In the past I would have just resorted to my ED and skipped meals or b/p. But I have eaten all three meals every single day this week, for the second week in a row. My dietitian was beaming over this fact. "That's so awesome!" I love when she says that. It makes me smile. Lately it's been all about ignoring ED and doing what is right. Feeding myself, nourishing myself. It's totally the right thing to do, but totally hard, and totally possible. My dietitian wants to keep seeing me on a weekly basis because even though I am doing better with my food, I'm still pretty fragile about it. And because I was so stressed out this week, I had increased urges to b/p and restrict. She just wants to keep all of that in check, and I am perfectly okay with that. I also brought up my concern with her about how I have cravings for sweets and so-called junk foods. I said that 9 times out of 10 I don't buy these foods because I'm scared of them, I'm scared of bingeing on them. I also am scared that eating them will cause more weight gain. She said that it is perfectly normal to want to eat those foods, and even more normal to actually eat them.
Therapy was good on Thursday. I didn't really have anything pressing I needed to talk about, so we just sort of talked about other stuff. It was a good session. I felt upbeat and energetic the rest of the day. I guess I will just deal with whatever comes up and not look for things to talk about. Although sometimes I think that's not a bad idea. Sometimes my therapist points things out to me that maybe I should spend more time on, but not lately.
Anyway, that's all I have for now. I am SO glad it is Friday. I get to sleep in tomorrow, and Sunday, and Monday. Even though I do have to babysit tomorrow night. It's all good though!
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