Things aren't any worse. Things aren't any better. I just seem to be floating along. There is very little fight inside of me. I don't feel connected to life, to anything outside of me. Sometimes it feels like I'm in a dream. That things aren't real. It's so strange.
Depression wise, I mean like I said. It's the same. Yes, I am still suicidal. Yes I am still depressed. I'm also now battling severe anxiety. I wake up trembling, and continue to shake all through out the day. Sleeping has been tough. My doctor increased my medication. It doesn't really seem to be helping. I have group tomorrow night and I emailed my group leader over the weekend and told her that I don't feel comfortable sharing with the group everything that's going on with me. I don't want to upset anyone or scare anyone, and I have found that talking about my suicidal thoughts and depression sometimes makes it worse. My group leader wrote back and said she understood and I didn't have to share anything I didn't feel comfortable sharing.
I'm having a ROUGH time with my eating disorder. It's just not good. Absolutely no appetite. I'm very anxious about seeing my dietitian on Wednesday.
I'm going to equine therapy this Saturday. I am SO excited. I can't wait to be reunited with my horse from Remuda Ranch, and some of the staff. I am anxious about getting there. It's about an hour and a half away from me. I hate driving anywhere I've never been to before. I'm going to try and get my mom to take me, just so I have an idea of where to go the next time.
I put together my own "safety plan" for when I have suicidal thoughts or plans. I found this worksheet online and wrote it down in my journal. I'm obviously going to share it with my treatment team. The only blank part on the sheet is when it asks you where is a safe place you can go. I don't really have one.
I have group tomorrow night, dietitian on Wednesday night, and therapy on Thursday morning. I will update over the weekend.
I'm so excited about you going to equine! How fun! Good for you for printing off a safety plan. Do you think your "second" mom's home could be a safe place or you could pick a place to meet her if it's during retail hours like a coffee shop or bookstore? I can understand not wanting to be completely open in group, but maybe even just sharing that you're struggling and get it out in the open amongst that supportive group might be helpful? Have you ever done any kind of art type therapy? I also found that a helpful form of communication when I didn't want to "speak" my struggles. I hate to hear that the depression isn't lessening but maybe give the meds a little more time and unfortunately if you aren't feeding yourself enough nutrition wise, your thoughts will tend to more more fuzzy and blue. Keep your chin up! It's going to be ok...
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