Floating Along.

Things aren't any worse. Things aren't any better. I just seem to be floating along. There is very little fight inside of me. I don't feel connected to life, to anything outside of me. Sometimes it feels like I'm in a dream. That things aren't real. It's so strange.

Depression wise, I mean like I said. It's the same. Yes, I am still suicidal. Yes I am still depressed. I'm also now battling severe anxiety. I wake up trembling, and continue to shake all through out the day. Sleeping has been tough. My doctor increased my medication. It doesn't really seem to be helping. I have group tomorrow night and I emailed my group leader over the weekend and told her that I don't feel comfortable sharing with the group everything that's going on with me. I don't want to upset anyone or scare anyone, and I have found that talking about my suicidal thoughts and depression sometimes makes it worse. My group leader wrote back and said she understood and I didn't have to share anything I didn't feel comfortable sharing.

I'm having a ROUGH time with my eating disorder. It's just not good. Absolutely no appetite. I'm very anxious about seeing my dietitian on Wednesday.

I'm going to equine therapy this Saturday. I am SO excited. I can't wait to be reunited with my horse from Remuda Ranch, and some of the staff. I am anxious about getting there. It's about an hour and a half away from me. I hate driving anywhere I've never been to before. I'm going to try and get my mom to take me, just so I have an idea of where to go the next time.

I put together my own "safety plan" for when I have suicidal thoughts or plans. I found this worksheet online and wrote it down in my journal. I'm obviously going to share it with my treatment team. The only blank part on the sheet is when it asks you where is a safe place you can go. I don't really have one.

I have group tomorrow night, dietitian on Wednesday night, and therapy on Thursday morning. I will update over the weekend.

Can't think of a title

I've been trying to put my eating disorder out of my mind lately. Just not think about it, focus on it, not worry about it, not deal with it. It wasn't the best idea. Because now all of a sudden I have enormous amounts of anxiety at meals. Saturday at lunch with a friend, I nearly had a panic attack when my lunch arrived. I had to force myself to eat. It was so hard and scary, and the food wasn't even a "scary food". After trying to put the anxiety out of my head and not allowing myself to let it out, I went into a state of being numb. It was too much to bear, so I went numb. I'm struggling a lot with restricting, obviously. Going to the grocery store lately has caused a lot of anxiety as well. It's just too complicated, all of this.

My depression is, kind of up and down. I am still having suicidal ideations. It's definitely still scary. I'm working through it though I guess. My therapist gave me a DBT workbook to start working on. We'll see how that goes. I also found out that there is a horse farm an hour away from me that does equine therapy. The horse that I rode at Remuda Ranch is there (Dude), as well as many of the other horses that were at RR when I was. And some of the same staff works there too. My therapist emailed the woman in charge of it, and I am anxiously awaiting a reply. My therapist seems really set on having me do equine therapy, she thinks it could help with a multitude of things I am struggling with. Hopefully this will work out and I will be able to do this! Working with and riding Dude while at Remuda helped me SO much in SO many ways. It would be amazing to be able to work with him again.

I haven't seen my dietitian in 3 weeks, going on 4. We have had scheduling conflicts, on both of our ends. The next time she can see me is next Monday. It's been hard. I definitely need her support right now. Like I said at the beginning of this post, things are so crazy with food right now and I just need her help with getting back on track. Things feel so unstructured and out of control and I just need to have a plan set up with my meals, grocery shopping, etc.

The next two weeks are kind of crazy. I have something to do besides work pretty much every day this week and next week. This Friday I am traveling to Maryland for the weekend with my mom and two sisters for my cousin's bridal shower and bachelorette party. Next Friday is the kids last day of school, and the following week will begin a pretty busy schedule as I will be babysitting all day long instead of just half a day. I'm stressing out about it, worried about how I will be able to fit in all of my appointments and other things. Hopefully it won't be a big deal and everything will work out.

Other than that, my mind is a blur and I've been trying to take things moment to moment. When the suicidal thoughts hit, or the panic attacks, I tend to want to crawl into a hole and die. But they aren't getting worse, which I guess is a positive.

Anyway, more later this week...

Heavy

You probably saw the title of this post and thought it was going to be about body image and how I feel heavy. While I am struggling with that, this is not what this post is about.

I am talking about the heaviness I feel on my chest and my heart as a result of the depression I am dealing with. Depression is something I have struggled with for 13 years. It's not new, but it's starting to feel really old and I'm exhausted. I, on some level, always struggle with a mild form of depression, but there are times that I go through periods of pretty severe depression. When I feel in constant crisis mode, in a panic, being a step away from needing to be in the hospital. The thoughts of suicide are up and down. I don't have a plan to follow through on any of those thoughts. But it's scary none the less, feeling so miserable that I just want out.
I returned to therapy this week and it was honestly the best decision I have made in a long time. While I am still hesitant to be going every week, just because I am so scared of it making things worse, I am going to force myself to go. I had a REALLY hard session on Thursday. There was just so much to talk about and process. I didn't feel worse after the session, but I didn't feel better either. I think it brought up a ton of emotions, because the rest of the day I literally felt like I was going to fall apart. There was such a heaviness on my chest, the feeling of tears welling up behind my eyes and the tightness in my throat. It was horrible.

 By the end of the day I was so emotionally exhausted. I had a mild panic attack, mostly due to being so tired. So I just decided to go to bed. I ended up falling asleep at 10pm. I haven't gone to bed that early since Remuda. I slept a full 11 hours and thought I would wake up feeling better. I woke up still tired but with a somewhat clear mind. And then today when I getting ice cream with the kids I was babysitting, that panic, that heaviness on my chest all of a sudden came back. I have no idea what triggered it but it was awful. There was no escaping the situation I was in. I was taking care of 6 kids in a public place. I couldn't run off to the bathroom and take a breather, I couldn't step outside, I couldn't go get in my car and drive home. I texted a friend. I took some deep breaths. It eventually passed, not entirely, but enough to think clearly again. I got off work and just wanted to come home and cry in the shower, just sob my brains out. But I couldn't cry. THAT is not a good sign for me. Some of my lowest points with depression consisted of not being able to cry, so I would self-harm instead. That scares me. I want to cry because it does help me feel better. And especially right now when I feel SO overwhelmed with so many emotions. I started a new anti-depressant this week and I am hoping it will help with just everything.

My dog Sophie was diagnosed with cancer this week, stage 1. She is having a surgery to remove it on Tuesday and will be treated with a new vaccine for it. The vet says it's good they caught it early, that if they are able to treat it that she will be able to live a full life. If it is not able to be treated, she will be dead within a year.

I am looking forward to going to church on Sunday, with my neighbor and her friend, and going out to brunch afterwards. I have been praying so hard lately. Spirituality is so important to me.

I'm just dealing with a lot and don't even want to get into what is going on with my eating disorder. It's beyond frustrating and confusing. I am having a horrible time with my social life/friendships. That is definitely contributing to the depression.

I basically mindlessly rambled in this post and it probably doesn't make sense to anyone else. But it did help to type it all out.

Bravery.

I got brave tonight. I emailed my therapist and admitted I needed help, that I was scared, and even though I hated myself for reaching out to her, I trust her and need her help. It's so painful waiting for a response.

I decided to reach out for help because, like I said, I was scared. I was having intrusive thoughts that could turn into very dangerous behaviors. I've come too far to go back to where I was in February 2011, suicidal and in the psychiatric hospital and on death's door from my ED. Deep down I don't want to die. But when things get really hard like they have been, something in my brain seems to think that's the best way out.

I had a conversation with a friend tonight that really made me wonder. Maybe I need to change up what I'm doing with therapy. Whether that be seeing a new therapist (which I REALLY don't want to do) or trying out DBT or EMDR or something else. I just feel like I need something different. Talking isn't really getting me anywhere these days. My dietitian has been helpful in the sense that every time I see her she gives me an assignment. For example, she had me buy calcium supplements and iron supplements and told me how much to take on a daily basis. She also had me research churches in my area and gymnastics gyms that offer adult classes. She always follows up with me on these assignments. It's accountability I guess. And it's helped me. I found a church. I signed up for gymnastics classes and I am taking my supplements. Maybe that's what I need to start doing with therapy. I don't know. And that's one of the things I addressed in my email to my therapist.

I've been seeking out all sorts of inspiration for recovery. I bought Johanna Kandel's book "Life Beyond Your Eating Disorder" a while back and I have started reading that again. I am going through assignments in my Remuda Ranch binder. I am reading inspirational blogs. I have deleted people off of my Facebook and Twitter who are not in recovery or who are triggering. I have been making inspirational playlists and spending more time devoted to prayer and meditation.

Today was day 3 of no purging. Which is the longest I have gone in a month. Woo Hoo! It's getting easier, it really is. Once you begin to break that cycle, the urges are less and less. I am still struggling with restricting though.

I am anxious for my dietitian appointment on Friday for a multitude of reasons. I know it will be a positive appointment. I am going to continue to NOT look at my weight and ask my dietitian to NOT tell me what the numbers are doing.

Things are improving, slowly but surely.

Stepping it up.

Things the past couple of days have been better. Well Friday was a complete disaster because I used ED behaviors, including purging. But yesterday and today had improvements. Today I actually ate like a normal person.  I had brunch, snacks, and dinner. I feel guilty because to me it felt like a binge. I guess deep down I know it wasn't a binge, but rather a normal amount. and it felt like a binge because it was the most I have eaten in a single day in about a month. Of course in my head I'm thinking, "oh my gosh I definitely just gained weight from eating that". Logically, we all know you can't gain actual body weight from one meal. But that fear was so real in my head. But I didn't even have an urge to purge. Which was actually nice for a change. Purging is so much more difficult than restricting because you have to plan around it. That it so stressful and exhausting in my opinion. I'm not sure what changed, if anything. I don't know if I'm more relaxed because it's the weekend, and once I go back to work tomorrow all the stress will come back.
I think since I have been restricting/purging so much, the urges to binge have increased. And I definitely have been bingeing and going through food at a not so normal pace. I feel really guilty and ashamed for that. And I know I know I need to eat more normally in order to prevent bingeing.
I'm having actual food cravings lately. It's scary. It makes me feel like I will be out of control if I just eat what I am hungry for. I think my hunger cues and thoughts about food and such are all over the place right now and it's kind of hard to distinguish what's coming from me or what's coming from my eating disorder.

I'm still set on taking a break from therapy. I think I made the right choice, even if my therapist doesn't. I trust myself that if I feel like I need to go back into therapy, then I will.

I've been thinking about Remuda a lot lately. NOT about going back, but just about my time there, especially the time I spent there last year. I am remembering things the staff said to me and things they helped me with. I have been going through my binders and my folders. I am just leaning on the strength I found when I was there and in the months after I came home. It's comforting. I made a playlist with all the songs we sang in chapel and all the songs we played in the lodge. I just find a lot of strength in remembering my time spent there, as well as a lot of hope. I need to remember why I don't want to go back there, but also remember what my time spent there gave me.

Well, I am trying to go to bed earlier these days. It's alright midnight and I've already taken my meds. So I should probably lay down and take it easy. I will update later on in the week.

Emotional

I had many "ah-ha" moments today. It's making me very emotional.
I had a conversation with the mom I babysit for today. She came home and she was telling me about how they (the family) were already looking for another dog (since theirs died suddenly on Saturday). I started crying because I obviously am sad about Tucker the dog passing away. It was such a shock and it was so sad because he was still just a puppy. And it made me think of my dog Lucy, who we had to put down about a month ago because she had cancer. And so it was just an enormous amount of overwhelming emotions. I started thinking about all the other things I'm struggling with right now, with my eating disorder and anxiety. For a moment, I almost spilled all of it out to "J", the mom. In that moment I just felt I need extra support. But I didn't want to make that conversation about me, and I didn't want to worry her, and I didn't want her to feel like because I was struggling with food that I wasn't fit to take care of her kids. So I didn't say anything.

Then I had an appointment with my dietitian tonight. I was early, and her client before me cancelled, so I got to spend extra time with her tonight, which was nice and much needed. We talked about how I need to find some passion in my life, so I can get rid of the false passion I have for my eating disorder. I am going to try out a church near me, that reminds me a lot of the kind of music and sermons I heard at Remuda. I'm excited to try that out! And also my dietitian approved exercise for me. And something that I'm really passionate about is gymnastics. I was a gymnast, a high level gymnast, for many years and I just loved everything about the sport. So I am going to be taking some adult gymnastics classes starting in a couple of weeks. I am REALLY looking forward to that. Of course I have some anxiety about that, but I think it's going to really good for me.  My dietitian reminded me that life with an eating disorder is not a life. That nothing will good from come from continuing to use behaviors.

So after leaving our session, I felt hope and encouragement for the first time in weeks. I left with the attitude of, "I can do this".  I just pray that it's not a temporary feeling and that even if I wake up tomorrow feeling completely exhausted, that the glimmer of hope will still be burning inside of me.

Defeated

I feel completely defeated. I know there is fight inside of me, but I really don't feel it right now. I guess it's a good sign that I am staying honest with my treatment team and continuing to go to appointments, but that's really the only good thing that I'm doing right now, at least in my mind.

I saw my dietitian today. Pretty sure my weight went down. I didn't look at the final number, but it was lower than it was at my doctor appointment a week ago. I had a REALLY good session with her today. I am so glad that she is helping me strengthen my relationship with God. We didn't even talk that much about food stuff, but more about what I can do emotionally and spiritually to get back on track and be fulfilled. I told her about my screwy lab results and she is putting me on Vitamin D supplements, iron supplements, and calcium supplements. That's a whole freaking lot of supplements, but I guess I really do need it. She commented on how much my demeanor has changed since I started using behaviors. How I don't hold my head high and I am moving slower and I seem full of anxiety and exhaustion. She's so right. I have a pretty good intuition and I sense things really easily, and I sensed fear and concern from my dietitian today. And that made me feel scared and concerned as well. She wants me to keep coming in once a week. That's going to be tough as far as money goes. I haven't told my parents what is going on and I'm starting to think that maybe I should because maybe I need their help with paying for my sessions. I haven't decided if I am going to talk to them about it or not. I'm scared of their reaction.

I was depleted of all energy and life today. I was pretty convinced that I was going to faint any minute. I knew I was dehydrated. I didn't purge today though, which is a step in the right direction. Let's just see how long I can keep that up. Because honestly I'm so addicted to that high right now that I get from purging, the physical and mental release I get from it. I told my dietitian that if I can stop purging, then I feel like things would improve SO much. The purging is really, really dangerous for me and it's just fueling a vicious cycle. I am scared for my health. I'm scared of dying. Maybe that's going over the top, but I do have that fear and it's terrifying.

Right next to me on the bed  is a worksheet I did while at Remuda. It lists areas of your life, such as body, self, relationships, and God. My assignment was to list what I value in each of those areas, and how the ED interferes or creates an inconsistency. The thing I wrote that stands out to me the most is this. "I want to live a long time. I want my body to be strong. I'm taking years off my life when I use my eating disorder and by not fueling my body, I can't be strong." 
This still is true. I still want those things and I still believe that my ED is going to prevent me from achieving that.

Is this a relapse?

It's frustrating because I know what to do. I know what skills to use. I know how to help myself. I know how to use the advice that my treatment team is giving me. But, I am SO stuck. It's scary to me that I was doing SO  well with recovery. I felt the best I have EVER felt. And now I feel like I'm just throwing it away and going back to hell. I don't know what it's going to take to get me un-stuck. I'm really frustrated and angry about that.

Well, I'm completely exhausted in every way imaginable It's 11pm and I really think maybe I should go to bed. I need to get lots of rest and somehow find it in me to push through this and move forward.

Day 1 and other thoughts

Today makes 1 days without purging. Honestly, it was really fucking hard. In my head, if I wasn't going to purge, then I had to eat a "safe" amount. Which translates into major restricting. Lunch actually wasn't as horrible as I thought. I feel like I tolerated it pretty well, not feeling too much anxiety. But dinner was a different story. I felt really hungry. But I was super, super anxious about eating so much that I felt full, and then wanting to purge. So I ate barely anything. I apologize if this is triggering. I try really hard to not use specific foods, calories, numbers.

I saw my primary doctor this morning. I said in my last blog post that I was going to do a blind weight. Well, that didn't happen. I looked at my weight, and was kind of surprised. I honestly expected it to be higher. Oh well. I told my doctor a little bit about what has been going on. She was super supportive. I get the feeling she doesn't know much about eating disorders, but she didn't say anything that was harmful, thank God. She seemed concerned, enough to order blood work. She offered her support and wants me back in 6 months, pending the blood work results, but said she is there for me if I need to see her before then.

Quite honestly I am worried about my physical state. Although I have only purged a few times, I can feel the toll it has taken on my body, combined with the restricting. It scares me. I'm scared of passing out at work, especially around the kids, or passing out while driving or in the shower. I'm scared of something going wrong with my heart. This should be motivation enough to get back on track. Wrong. In my head I feel like I have to continue doing what I'm doing in order to prove my my treatment team that I am hurting and having a really hard time with a lot of different things. They have told me time and time again that I never need to prove to them my pain. And then there's the thought that, "well once I get down to x amount of pounds, then I can go back to doing well with my meal plan." That's a bunch of bullshit and I know it.

I do feel like I have a good idea of what I need to do to get back on track. Anxiety is a huge factor for why I am struggling so much. My dietitian gave me a light exercise plan to try out in hopes of lowering my anxiety. My therapist mentioned something I might do to help with trauma stuff, haven't mind up my mind about that yet though. I increased one of my anxiety medications and hopefully that will help as well. I just need to use my tools, pull out my Remuda binder, keep writing in my journal, and reaching out for help to those who can help me. Although, the trick is actually doing all of these things.

So, yeah. I'm just having  really shitty time right now and I suck.

1 year.

Some people think anniversaries in ED recovery are silly. I like them
because I can look back and see how far I have come. With that said...

Today marks 1 year since I left Remuda Ranch and entered recovery.
I could write pages and pages about reaching 1 year in recovery.
There are so many feelings, thoughts, and revelations. But I want to
keep it short and simple. This year has truly been the best year of my
life, as well as the most challenging. Reaching such a huge milestone
for me is overwhelming. I am overcome with emotions of pride and
relief for being in such a positive and healthy place in my life. For
reaching a point in my life where I feel deserving of recovery. A year
and a half ago I did not think I would ever feel happy or hopeful
again. It's amazing that I have come this far and I really am proud of
myself. But I also feel like I am mourning who I have been for the
past 9 years of my life. I am mourning my eating disorder identity.
It's been tough. I still find myself holding on to it, to the belief I
have that my ED is my worth. But it's significant that I choose to
move forward and fight my ED. I spent 9 years of my life living in
eating disorder hell, but now I can say with certainty that I will
never go back to my ED.

Surreal

This day has been so surreal. 1 year ago today I was admitted to Remuda Ranch East, here in Virginia. I spent the next 30 days at the ranch, and then transferred to Remuda Life Program in Arizona.

I remember one year ago today pretty clearly. I was still in the hospital, where I had been for the past 5 days, after almost attempting suicide. I found out on the 14th that I was going to be going to Remuda. My mom picked me up from the hospital at around 12pm. I remember walking outside the hospital and feeling the sunshine and the cold air on my face. It felt so good, after being in the hospital for nearly a week. My mom took me back to her her house, where I reunited with my dogs. My dad was on his way home with some subs from Subway. I took a long, hot shower and by the time I was done my dad was home. I barely ate my sub. Then my parents told me Remuda was expecting me by 2:30 or 3, so I drove back to my house and packed. It was weird, not having really any time to plan what I was going to pack. I basically put all of my winter clothes in my suitcase, and all the other essentials. Even though I was going to a treatment center, I still wanted to look my best. So I did my hair, and my make-up, and put on a cute outfit. I know that sounds crazy. Then, I loaded my two suitcases into my car and before I drove back over to my parent's house, I texted my therapist, who already knew what I was doing. But she gave me some last minute encouragement and said I could write her.
When I got to my parent's house, I put my stuff in my dad's car and we hit the road. I still remember sitting in the back seat, with my parents in the front. I looked out the window as we left town. I remember thinking that I couldn't believe I was going back to treatment. I had been wanting to go back for a few weeks, but didn't ever think my family could afford it.
On the way there, "M" called. He was my best friend at the time, my co-worker, my friend with benefits, whatever you want to call it. At the time, I didn't think it was an unhealthy relationship. I had a long conversation with him, which was awkward at times because my parents were in the front seat. My friend Karen also called, but I had put my phone on silent by then and missed her call, but listened to her voicemail once I realized she had called. I also texted all the trusted friends in my life and told them where I was going. I also had to call someone at my work to set up getting disability payments while I was away.
Remuda was about 1 hour away from my house, so we got there pretty quickly. I still remember the CD we listened to on the way there. As we got closer, I got more and more nervous, aware of the task that was in front of me. I knew it would be one of the hardest things I would ever do, but I also knew it was completely necessary.
We arrived at Remuda, which looks so beautiful when you are driving down the long driveway. I saw the horses out in the field and the "Expect A Miracle" sign that was right near the entrance.
We pulled up and went inside where an admissions rep welcomed us. The next half hour or so was full of going over and signing paper work. Then I said goodbye to my parents.
One of the BHT's came up and took me down to the lodge where I would be staying. I remember walking in and seeing all the other women, and being introduced to them. I did a bunch of paperwork, and met the other new girl that came that day, Ashley. She was my admit buddy, my roommate, my family week buddy, and my discharge buddy. Needless to say, we formed a special bond. I had another BHT show me my room and help me unpack. I got the standard EKG, blood work, weight, height, blood pressure, pulse, and other medical work-up done.
The rest of the day is kind of a blur. I vaguely remember dinner. I surprised myself with how much I ate. That's about all I remember from that day, though.

The next several weeks were extremely challenging, but also rewarding, and at times fun. Like I said, I can't believe it's been a whole year. I feel like relived all of it today. It felt so strange, and almost nostalgic in a way.
It's also crazy to think of how far I have come since then, leaps and bounds.

What an awesome journey it has been so far.

Mega Update

I realize it has been a long time since I posted. While speaking with my dietitian today, I realized this and decided I needed to get back into blogging.

Things are still pretty hard. I had a terrible week. Absolutely horrible. I saw my psychiatrist on Monday, and he upped the dosage on my Prozac, so now I'm on the maximum dosage. Well, the next day when I started taking it, I felt so strange. I was shaky all over, dizzy, terrible migraine, absolutely no appetite. I figured it would just last the first day. I was wrong. The next day, the symptoms were even worse. I was doing really badly with my eating. Wednesday night, I fainted. I was alone in my house. It was really scary. It probably had to do with the fact that I hadn't had anything substantial to eat in almost 48 hours. I think it was then that I realized all of these symptoms had more to do with my eating, then it had to do with my medication.

Thursday I saw my therapist. It was a really good session. We talked about all the problems I had been having with my medication, and she told me I needed to be eating better, even if I wasn't hungry. We talked a lot about the destructive relationship I was in last year, and how feelings about/for him have been coming back up. We also talked about a slip up with self harm that I had over the weekend, and we processed that. For some reason I can't remember what else we talked about, but I do remember that I left feeling relieved.

Then I saw my dietitian this morning. I was really nervous. She had me keep a food journal for the past week, and I knew my eating had sucked. She agreed. But it was a really, really awesome session. She explained to me the model of the recovery process. I wish I had a link to give you all, but she just had a sheet of paper. But, she asked me to point out where I thought I was in my recovery. I thought I was in the "need for behaviors" part, but she told me she disagreed and said I was a step above, where it's basically a rollercoaster, lots of ups and downs, but still feeling all your feelings. It was encouraging to hear her say that, and tell me that I have not relapsed.
She seems pretty concerned though, for good reasons, and wants me to come in once a week for a while.

Today marked 1 year since I was admitted to the psychiatric hospital. It's crazy to me how fast this year has gone by. It still all feels like yesterday. I am so thankful to be alive, for choosing to live, and choosing to get help.

My best friend Ashley is coming to visit me on Sunday. She was my roommate at Remuda, we had the same admit and discharge date and family week too. We had such a special bond at Remuda, which has maintained outside of treatment as well. I am so excited to see one of my soul sisters!

Anyway, that's about all. I'm so glad it's the weekend.

Stepping it up.

I saw my dietitian tonight. Well, let's just say it didn't go as I expected it to. That doesn't mean it was bad though. In fact, it was probably the best session I have had with her in a while. We covered a lot of ground, and I left feeling like we talked about everything I needed/wanted to.
I have been mainly struggling with depression, as well as increasing anxiety. But in my mind I felt like I was doing "fine" with food. But when she asked me tonight if things were going well with food, I just sort of spit out "No, not really." And then I proceeded to tell her what my food intake has been like. Of course she was concerned and asked if I thought it would help if she put together a plan. So, she basically put together a plan similar to the one Remuda Ranch gave me. That freaked me out because, that just feels like so much food to me. She reassured me that it's not. I then asked if this plan would make me gain weight, she said no. She wrote down the plan and then made copies of it so I could check each meal off, or not check it off every day. She wants me to come back in a week and see how the plan worked.
So, I don't know. I guess I was just kind of surprised because I didn't realize how off track I was. I guess I really need to start stepping it up. I don't want to relapse. Please God, I don't want to relapse. So how come when I was driving home tonight did I feel like I wanted to throw in the towel and go back to the arms of my eating disorder and not hold on to recovery? What is going on with me?

I am leaning pretty heavily on support from my treatment team and supportive people in my life. Although I have found myself not talking to my friends from treatment. I guess I just feel embarrassed. I don't want to worry them, or burden them. I know some of them are having struggles of their own, and I don't want to make it any worse. I know we have a sisterhood, a bond that I have never known before, but my ED wants me for his own and is pulling me away from them. I feel terrible about that.

I'm also leaning pretty heavily on prayer. I just know God will see me through this. I know He will help me find my way out of this. I know He is going to make me stronger and braver.

Anyway, I have therapy in the morning. I feel like I could talk for hours and hours about everything. I hope I leave feeling somewhat better, and not worse.

Hopefully things will turn around soon.

Therapy mode and a challenge

This week has been full of appointments, which has been really good. I needed the extra support. I had group on Monday night. Dietitian appointment last night. And therapy this morning. I will touch on each of the three.

Group was really good, but also really intense. It was just me and one other girl, and the group leader. I actually prefer it when there are fewer people because we have more time to talk and more time to get/give feedback. So, anyway I just talked about how difficult things have been lately. I was in a really dark place in my head that night, so it was good timing I guess. I just kind of had this realization that I am absolutely terrified of struggling any more than I am right now. Terrified. It would just be one step closer to relapse and I cannot go through that again. I don't know how I made it through last time, and so I believe that if I had a full blown relapse again, that I wouldn't survive. So, I am so scared of doing any worse than I am now. I just cannot go backwards. I got pretty teared up saying all this in group. My group leader and the other girl there were so, so supportive and had so much great feedback for me and that made me feel a lot better. I was definitely pretty drained after group that night.

My dietitian appointment last night was pretty interesting. We talked a lot about how I have had my eating disorder for so long (9 years) and how it has truly become my identity. Now that I am in recovery, now that I am in a good place in my life for the first time since my eating disorder started, my identity of having an eating disorder is falling away. It's scary trying to figure out who I am without it, because I'm not really sure. There still is part of me that wants to fill the holes back up with my eating disorder. So we talked about that and then we talked about how I have been struggling with dinner a lot. I won't bore you with the details of that, but she gave me some good tips to make that easier. And then, she posed a challenge to me. You see, I have this HUGE fear of eating in front of people. I don't have a problem eating in front of a large group of people, or people I have known and eaten with forever, like my family. But I am scared of eating one on one with people, or around people I don't know, or in party situations. I just think people are judging me and stuff. So my dietitian suggested we go out somewhere and eat together. I about fell on the floor when she said that. I told her I didn't want to do that. Then she brought up my ultimate "fear food". Which is cake. So then she suggested I buy cupcakes and bring them in to one of our sessions so we can eat that together. I don't know which option is scarier. As crazy as it sounds, I think eating the cake would be easier because it's not a whole meal. BUT STILL! I was pretty adamant about not wanting to do that either. She said she thinks it's something I really need to do. She also said she won't make me do anything I don't want to do, but she wants me to really think about it and maybe come up with a plan.
Oh my gosh, I don't know if I can handle this. I almost started crying just talking about it! How on earth am I going to react actually doing it?
Any words of advice on this one guys?

I had therapy this morning. That went pretty well. We talked a lot about how I need to find things outside of my eating disorder and recovery to focus on. So we talked about trying to find a church I can start going to. She also suggested I get back in touch with my artsy side. I love making collages and I love making abstract types of art. So, I think I am going to find a project or two and get started on that.

Tomorrow is Friday and I am SO glad! This week has just inched by. I have felt sick every day this week and that combined with lack of sleep has made me really grumpy and really depressed. I just really really hope that next week is better, in all ways. I want my energy back.

Oh, by the way. I know this isn't for a while but...I have some anniversaries coming up in the next couple of months.

February 10: 1 year since being admitted to the psychiatrist hospital for attempted suicide.
February 14: 1 year since I last purged <--- that is so huge for me, I cannot even explain
February 15: 1 year since being admitted to Remuda Ranch
March 31: 1 year in RECOVERY!

Reflecting on 2011

"Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life." - J.K. Rowling

2011 has been the best year of my life. But it certainly did not start out that way. On February 10th, I had reached my rock bottom. I was malnourished, dehydrated, extremely sleep deprived, and suicidal. I was sick and tired of living. I didn't believe things would ever get better for me. And so, with a handful of sleeping pills in one hand and a glass of water in the other...I was about to end my life. Nothing was stopping me. But yet, something did stop me. For the longest time, I couldn't figure out what that was. There was no logical reason why I did not swallow those pills, for there was no sense of hope inside of me. Today, I strongly believe God had everything to do with me putting down those pills. Sounds strange maybe, but that is the only reason I can think of as to why I did not go through with killing myself that day. I went to my therapist the next day and admitted I needed more help than I was getting. And so I checked myself into a psychiatric hospital. I spent the next five days there. On my fourth day, my parents told me the next day that I would be leaving and would be admitted to Remuda Ranch. I was relieved.

On February 15th, I started my stay at Remuda Ranch. I spent the next 45 days there. 30 days in a residential program, and 15 days in a step down program in Chandler, Arizona. I flew home to Virginia on March 31st.

The past 9 months have really flown by. But as they say, time flies when you are having fun! And since entering recovery, I have had so much fun enjoying life once again and learning to love myself. Recovery is not an easy task, nor does it happen overnight. It is not straight forward, it is not as simple as it sounds. But recovery is amazing, it is beautiful, it is about being able to laugh again, and smiling because I feel so good inside.

I have gained so much this year. New friendships being one. I formed lifelong friendships with the women I met in treatment. I have formed a sisterhood with them that can never be taken away.

I have a great support system around me, guiding me along the way with their never failing support. My therapist, dietitian, psychiatrist, support group, Mrs. Robson, my friend Karen, and my friend Kathleen.

I have a faith in God that He will be there for me every step of the way.

I have the most amazing job in the world. The family I nanny for makes me smile more than anyone else.

Among other things, I have gained HOPE. TRUST. FAITH. LOVE FOR MYSELF. HAPPINESS. PEACE. COMFORT. SAFETY. MOTIVATION. STRENGTH. A NEW LIFE.

I have restored my soul.

I am sad to see 2011 go, for it brought so many great and amazing people and experiences into my life. But 2012, and the years to follow, will be filled with so many other great things. I am so excited for my future.

THANK YOU 2011!
YOU HAVE BEEN AWESOME!

News story my friend wrote about me

“There is no such thing as a life with an eating disorder, because I was dying each and every day I used behaviors,” says a woman eight months into recovery from an eating disorder.

Holly Weisiger, 23, has been battling bulimia and anorexia for many years and is now in a secure place in her recovery. In February 2011, she entered treatment at Remuda Ranch in Bowling Green, Va.

Multiple factors contribute to Weisiger’s success in recovery, two most important being her treatment team, consisting of a therapist, dietitian, psychiatrist and support group, and her friends and family. Faith also plays has a big role in her recovery, she says, “prayer and worship give me a sense of peace and calmness.”

Registered dietitian Rebecca Bitzer agrees, “A team is essential, meaning you need a nutritionist, therapist and psychiatrist. A support group is very helpful.”

Jennifer Shook, who worked as a behavioral health technician at Remuda Ranch agrees that motivation is important to recovery. However, she says that “immediately, what is most important is stabilizing the patient: nutrition, medication, rest and therapy.”

Long term, Shook says that a change in lifestyle is important to make sure that recovery has a chance to last.

At Remuda Ranch, Weisiger was taught many coping skills for dealing with urges to act in eating disordered behavior but finds that distraction is most effective for her. Many things work as distractions for her, such as reading, watching a movie or talking to friends.

“I have a desire to live. I enjoy everything about life. I have happiness,” Weisiger says about what she has gained from recovery. In addition to happiness, she now has trust, faith and, most importantly, hope for the future.

Motivation to get one’s life back is what Bitzer says is the most important aspect of someone being successful in his or her recovery.

Weisiger knows that using her eating disorder behaviors will prevent her from pursuing her dreams. She says she has a passion for healthcare and spreading awareness of eating disorders.

It is a dream of Weisiger’s to be able to tell people her story in hopes of being inspirational to others who are going through struggles of their own.

Shook says that getting to see patients regain their life is the purpose for doing what she does. “It makes you want to jump for joy with them because you are excited for the good that is coming their way and because you are so proud of them,” she says.

Weisiger has been in treatment two times; once when she was 15 and the second time when she was 22, and these experiences differed vastly. At 15, Weisiger did not have a choice to not go to treatment.

At 22, Weisiger recognized she had hit rock bottom and called the center she was at previously, Remuda Ranch, and coordinated her admittance.

Adjusting to life after treatment at 22 was much different than when Weisiger was an adolescent. Weisiger was living on her own and did not have the constant monitoring of her parents to make sure she was completing her meals.

Because of this lack of structure, Weisiger made sure that she had a schedule to follow every day. Being on her own required Weisiger to gain the trust of her family and treatment team that she is being truthful with them.

Elizabeth Willcox-Weisiger, Holly Weisiger’s mother, says that she is “proudest that she recognizes her lack of self control and admits she needs help.”

Currently, Weisiger is working as a nanny. Having this job has taught her that if she cannot take care of herself, she cannot take care of the three children she is responsible for and have them look up to her.

Weisiger believes that she is doing a good job, making sure to “send them healthy messages and encourage them when they say something negative,” she said.

Recovery is “so much about doing and being things that are non-eating disorder related; getting back to school, back to work, being more engaged in life,” Bitzer says.

Many people have inspired Weisiger to get her health back, but two women stand out above the rest.

Weisiger’s dietitian for two months when she was in treatment at 15 has had a strong influence on her life. She showed her strong belief and care for Weisiger and was not disappointed when she had to return to treatment seven years later; she was proud she was getting the help she needed.

Kathleen MacDonald, who is recovered from an eating disorder, helped talk with Holly through the hardest part of her relapse and encouraged her to go back into treatment. MacDonald inspires and motivates Weisiger each day.

“It is a given you are beautiful because you are alive,” are words of MacDonald that Weisiger makes sure to remember daily.

Weisiger faces daily struggles; “recovery is not a straight path. Slips are expected, but it’s how I pull myself out of these slips that matters,” she says of her struggles.

Bringing up sensitive and tough subjects in therapy is very hard for her, but she pushes through because she knows that if she keeps these thoughts to herself she is only harming herself.

In treatment, the hardest thing that Weisiger dealt with was eating three meals, three snacks and weight-gain supplements each day. Often, doing this made her cry before, during and after meals “because it was going against everything my eating disorder wanted me to do,” she said.

Weisiger’s favorite memories from Remuda Ranch involved equine therapy with her horse, Dude. She felt a very deep connection with him and looked forward to twice-weekly trail rides.

Shook says that working with patients in recovery and seeing them begin to “appreciate the small things in life again and look toward a hopeful future was always a constant reminder to myself to appreciate all that I have.”

Living in recovery and resisting urges to act on her eating disorder feels good and bad. The healthy side of Weisiger tells her to be proud and strong for using healthy coping mechanisms, but the eating disorder side of her tells her that she is weak and that she will become fat and lose control.

“I am able to differentiate between my healthy voice and the voice of my eating disorder. These days I resist the urges about 95 percent more than before recovery,” Weisiger said.

Earlier in recovery, it was nearly impossible for Weisiger to recognize and celebrate her successes and accomplishments. She said she was afraid of not knowing who she was without her eating disorder, but now she is able to acknowledge how far she has come in her recovery in the past eight months.

Weisiger was in a “living hell” when she was using her eating disorder, she said. Concentrating, thinking clearly and even walking short distances were extremely difficult for her.

Shook says that the hardest thing she deals with when treating patients with eating disorders “is the hopelessness the patient feels. It can be so hard knowing you cannot convince someone that there is a light at the end of the tunnel when they cannot conceive of such a thing in the moment.”

The cycle of bingeing and purging that Weisiger engaged in caused her to live in seclusion to avoid being judged by people. She lived with a strained relationship with her family, no friends, no sleep and a severe depression.

“I lost a job once because I was barely eating at the time and wasn’t able to keep up at work,” Weisiger said.

Weisiger said, “I think the only thing standing in the way of my recovery…is myself.” She knows that if she gives up hope or doesn’t believe in herself, the eating disorder will win, so she strives to make the right choices and care for herself.

Willcox-Weisiger said she hopes for the day when Weisiger will be able to not identify herself as having an eating disorder. She hopes for the day when Weisiger will feel “more confident about herself and who she really is.”

Many people suffering from eating disorders have similarities. Often, depression is tied in with an eating disorder.

“Perfectionism; extremes of thinking, black and white, all or nothing; ambivalence to treatment, wanting to get better but not wanting to give up the perceived safety of an eating disorder” are patterns that Bitzer notices in the patients she treats.

Weisiger says with assurance that the best thing she has gained from recovery is hope. “I have hope for life; I’ve never been able to say that for myself before. It sure feels awesome!”

Decisions

I have made some pretty significant decisions lately. I have decided to cut back therapy to every two weeks. I really feel I do not need it every week at this point. That's not to say that if things get tough and I start to struggle that I won't go back to a once a week. I just feel I can get through a week without therapy right now. That's pretty huge for me to make this decision on my own. A part of me is terrified of a life without therapy. I mean, hello, I have been in therapy the past 10 years of my life. But I think that I also need to discover who I am outside of therapy and all of my issues. At this point I am only seeing my dietitian every week and a half/two weeks, I am pretty sure that is going to stay like that too.

My dietitian told me on Wednesday night that my weight has stayed the same the whole month of November. That's pretty exciting considering I have continued to gain weight since coming home from Remuda in March. I guess this is where my weight needs to be. It's kind of discouraging to hear that. I had hoped that maybe my weight was just trying to figure itself out and I would go back down to the weight Remuda gave me. But if I were to go back down to that weight then I would have to lose 10-15 pounds, and I just know that wouldn't be healthy.
My thearpist and I worked on a guided imagery exercise in my body image workbook yesterday. I had to describe what it feels like and looks like to feel imprisoned in my own body. What I get out of it and what I feel are the risks if I wasn't trapped in my body. It was a pretty cool exercise. My therapist thought I did a pretty awesome job too.

I am trying to brainstorm ideas of some sort of ritual I can take part in next week when my therapist and I visit the school where my trauma took place. I don't know if I should write a letter and leave it there or leave something else there, or take something from there, like a leaf or a twig or something. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated!

Anyway, not much else is going on. I have been having problems sleeping lately. I just toss and turn all night and I don't wake up feeling rested. I see my psychiatrist next week and will talk to him about that.

Oh yeah I started a Tumblr so you should check it out! http://hollyw26.tumblr.com/

Giving Thanks,

Well, I've been brainstorming ideas for this post for about a week. I think I am just going to make a list. I have SO much to be thankful for this year. I came so close to death many times this year, yet today I feel the most alive I have in 12 years.
This list is in no particular order.

1. My family: I don't really give them enough credit. They have loved me and supported me through my struggles this year. My parents took out a mortgage on their house to pay for Remuda Ranch. My sisters took out time from school and work to come to my Family Week. My dad pays for my health insurance and some other stuff too. But most of all I am thankful that they love me.

2. Two jobs. Having a job in America is a pretty cool thing right now. I work for an amazing family, nannying the three nicest kids. The parents are so amazing too. They all bring a smile to my face every time I see them, which is Monday through Friday. I also love my job at the resteraunt. It's like a big family there. Minus a couple people, I love my co-workers. My boss is amazing. I will never forget when I told my boss about being in the hospital and having to go away to treatment. He was so supportive and caring. And welcomed me back to work when I came home.

3. My support group. I started this support group at the beginning of the summer. It feels so good to be a part of a group of women who "get it". I come to this group every other Monday night and I just love it. I feel so loved and meaningful. I love supporting the other women as well, offering myself in any way they need me. My group leader is one of the most amazing people I've ever known. She's an old soul and I love her. This group has supported me during my hard times and applauded my successes.

4. My Soul Sisters. Also known as my Remuda girls, also known as my best friends. Also known as Erin, Michelle, Ashley, Jackie, Nikki, Lindsay, Buddy. Holy wow. I would not be doing as well as I am today without these girls. Not even close. They are my sunny days and my bright tomorrows. I love these girls more than anything in the world. I have never had such close, amazing, loving, best friends. Ever. Nothing compares to them.

5. My treatment team. My therapist, dietitian, and psychiatrist...there are just no words. I owe so much to them. They have believed in me every single step of the way. They haven't given up. They challenge me. They help me feel safe. They love me and cheer me on. On the days that I can't find the strength to be there for myself, they are there for me. I simply would not be alive today, had they not been a part of my life.

6. My dogs. They make my heart happy. My dogs don't care what I look like. They love me for who I am. They make me smile. They make me laugh. I love to snuggle with them. They make my soul happy.

7. My close friends, Heather, Karen, Jamie, Emily, Sarah. I love them. They have supported me and loved me through everything this past year.

8. Remuda Ranch. I am thankful that they helped give me my life back. I was truly blessed that my parents were willing to pay for me to go there. Those 45 days brought me back to life.

9. Kathleen MacDonald. Look her up. She's amazing and is my inspiration.

10. Recovery. I am thankful that I chose recovery, that I chose to live. I am thankful for 8 months of recovery. I am thankful for the hope that I will one day be recovered.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

NEDA walk

Kathleen and I

Ashley, me and Michelle

I attended the 3rd Annual National Eating Disorder Awareness (NEDA) Walk in Charlottesville, Virginia yesterday. I left my house in Richmond at 8:15am and got there at around 9:30. The most nervewracking part of the day was driving there, and driving home. I hate driving places where I don't know exactly where I am going and have never been before. My dad wrote out the directions and I was pretty confident about it because it seemed pretty simple. And it was. I got a little lost, but called my dad and all I had to do was make a U turn and go a few blocks and I was there!

I met my two friends there from Remuda, Michelle and Ashley. It was SO good to see the both of them. The reunion was amazing, especially with Ashley, who I haven't seen since March. She gives the best hugs! We bought matching NEDA t-shirts and took some pictures. Then Kathleen MacDonald spoke. I heard her speak two weeks ago, but hearing her speak again yesterday still moved me to tears. She brought along her dog Gretz, who is a big part of her story. Then the walk started. It was a 5k through the grounds of the University of Virginia. The Fall foilage was beautiful. The weather was a little chilly, but once we started walking it warmed up. Ashley, Michelle and I reminisced about our days at Remuda Ranch, laughing at all the funny things that happened. Michelle's mom was there with us too and she was laughing at all of our stories as well. It felt SO good to laugh with true friends.

After the walk, it was time for lunch. In my opinion this was the most awkward part of the day, but sort of in a funny way. Food at an eating disorder awareness walk? Haha, I guess it makes sense though. It wasn't awkward for me though, I had no trouble eating my sandwich. But I could tell that other people around me were sort of nervous. After that, we just stood around talking and Kathleen took the microphone and made another little speech, again...so inspiring. The person who organized the walk also told a little bit of her story. It was so good to be in company of so many people who shared the some struggles and triumphs as me. Then, the organizer of the walk said that anyone who wanted to speak was welcome to come up and do so. The first person was a high school girl who recently got out of treatment a month ago. She shed tears and she spoke of the pain and misery she lived with for so many years, and shed even more tears as she spoke of how amazing she feels today. I ended up choking up as well. I remembered when I was that age and struggling with my ED and I really wanted to go up and talk to her and give her a hug because I just saw so much of myself in her. I didn't get a chance to do that, I wish I had. A couple other people came up and told their stories as well. And then...I went up there. Now, let me just tell you. I used to be terrified of public speaking. Terrified. And in some ways I still am. But I guess when it comes to sharing my story and hoping in some way to inspire people or get them to think or get help, I don't get all that nervous. If I had spoken in public a year ago, I would have peed my pants or had a panic attack. So anyway, I got up there and I said this (or at least something along these lines): "My name is Holly. I came up here from Richmond today. I have had an eating disorder for almost 9 years. I went to treatment at Remuda Ranch in Arizona when I was 15 for 4 months. I did well for a couple years, but slowly started to relapse. About a year ago I relapsed really bad and was struggling a lot. On February 10 of this year I was desperate to take my own life. I went to my therapist that morning and told her I needed help and that I was not safe. I was admitted to the psychiatric hospital for 5 days. On the day I was discharged I was admitted to Remuda Ranch in Virginia. I was there for 30 days and then transferred to the Remuda Life Program in Arizona for 14 days. So I have been home about 7 months. I am the healthiest and happiest I have ever been in my 23 years of life. I heard Kathleen speak two weeks ago and it was the most inspirational and moving thing I have ever heard in my life. I owe a lot to her. She sort of saved my life earlier this year and I am so thankful for her. (Kathleen started crying) I am so thankful for my friends that are here today, Ashley and Michelle. I am just so thankful for my family, my friends, and God, who have brought me to the place I am today. Full recovery is possible, for everyone." So that was my little speech. Suprisingly I wasn't all that nervous. My voice didn't shake, and I only stumbled with a couple of words. Kathleen took the microphone after I did said something about how I am a pro at sucking it up and just going at recovery. That made me smile, and humbled.

So after that I had a chance to speak to Kathleen. I gave her a journal entry that I actually shared on my blog a couple weeks ago after I heard her speak. I wanted her to have the hard copy. I told her I would definitely be in Washington D.C. in April for Lobby Day. Ashley, Michelle, and her mom also had a chance to speak to Kathleen too.

After that it was time to go home. It was sad leaving Michelle and Ashley, but we are all going to try and meet up around Christmas, along with a couple of our other friends from Remuda. The drive home was easy and I had no problems. I blasted my music and thought about all the amazing things I had witnessed that morning.

I woke up today still in awe and still inspired from yesterday. It was a great experience. If you ever have a chance to attend a NEDA walk, I highly encourage you to do so. Just simply amazing.

Well, that's all I have for now. I will update later on in the week!

The road

I had an appointment with my dietitian tonight. We figured out together why my anxiety has been so bad. She asked me to go home and write about it, and then email it to her and my therapist. I did that and now I'm sharing it on my blog. This is probably one of the rawest, honest, and painful essays I have written. So I'm a little nervous about posting it. I'm not asking for anything, just maybe some encouragement, or if you are going through, or have been through something similar, to maybe add some words of wisdom. Thanks.

I have this image in my head that won't leave me alone. I'm walking down the road leading up to the school where the abuse took place. I walk through the big iron gates, past a wooded area, past the soccer field and the play ground, but then the images stop, right before I see the school. I think I am too scared to walk any farther. I don't want to go inside. Why would I? But I don't want to see the iron gates or the soccer fields or the play ground either. Because they remind me of the happy girl I once was. The girl I was before he stole my happiness, my power, and my safety.
When I left Remuda, I didn't think I was scared of him anymore. But I am. He still has power over me, even though it's been 11 years. I know he shouldn't, and I really don't want him to. But the fear he left me with still lives inside me today. I think part of me still feels I was at fault. I have said it and written it many times. That even though I was younger and smaller, I was strong as an ox from gymnastics. I could have pulled away, run away, hit him, or screamed. And I did none of those things, for reasons I may never understand. I think in order to really heal, I need to forgive myself. I don't know how to do that.
The flashbacks are not as intense nor as frequent as they once were, but they are still there. I have learned to deal with them. But the feelings are still so, so intense. Sadness. Pain. Hurt. Fear. Grief. Helplessness. Loneliness. Cold. Dirty. But mostly fear. The sounds and smells of the times he abused me are still very real in my head.
I have been thinking about what happened quite a bit lately. I'm not sure why. Maybe I need to figure that out. I want to talk about it in therapy, but I hold myself back. It's still a very painful place for me to visit, and I hate how hard it is for me to talk about.
I am usually really good at expressing my feelings. But it's hard for me to express my feelings about my abuse. There don't seem to be enough words to fully and truly explain how sad and hurt I feel. I guess I get frustrated by that.
I have been wanting to express my feelings about this for quite some time, but haven't because I'm scared to talk about it. So my feelings about it have been manifesting into anxiety.
I guess I need to talk about it. But I am scared, and I need your help. Because although I can talk about how it makes me feel, I don't know what to do beyond that. I feel stuck.

overwhelmed

So if you are expecting another super positive blog post, you aren't going to get one. Don't get me wrong, things are still going well, but I also sense that I am backsliding. Not so much with food though. I have had a couple bad days, but nothing horrible. I am still eating something at all three meals of the day. But I have NO APPETITE. It sucksss. I want to be hungry so badly, so eating will be easier. I can't really figure out why I'm not hungry. I guess it could be stress and depression. Not so much anxiety though.

I've been really stressed out. I just have so much on my plate right now. My schedule feels jam packed. I had to cancel a coffee date with someone tonight because I was too exhausted to do it. I barely made it through today. It's really quite pathetic. I saw my psychiatrist this morning and he mentioned how I seem quieter and depressed. He thinks my state of exhaustion might have to do with my medications. So he is having me cut my Klonopin in half. I'm really nervous about cutting back on my anxiety meds because I am absolutely terrified of having debilitating anxiety like I did last year. But I'm willing to give it a try. I almost started crying when I was talking to him this morning. I just felt so tired and didn't want to take on the day, or the rest of the week really. I somehow found the energy to get through today.

I am feeling so much better about recovery, but there still are things that haunt me. I still get jealous when I see a really skinny girl. I think to myself, "God I wish I had gotten that thin. Then I would have accomplished something!" I know that in reality, those girls are miserable and suffering. Bu sometimes there are parts of me that think that having an ED is "glamorous". Such bullshit, I know. And now I also get jealous of people who are doing better in their recovery than me, or are farther along. I just feel like I should have made more progress by now. Like, I have been in therapy once, sometimes twice a week for the past 9 years. That's a lot of therapy. Although, I haven't worked on my core issues until the past 2 years so...I guess it's not too bad.
I just hate how slow my recovery seems to be going. But I guess better that than falling back into a full blown relapse and overdosing or dying from my ED. My very best friend who I was in treatment with this past February and March is doing so well! I am so, so proud of her. But I also feel like my progress is insignificant compared to hers. That sounds so bad doesn't it? I wish I could wake up tomorrow and have ED be gone. But it's not like that, not at all. It's such a process, such a long process. And that frustrates me sometimes. But I'm in it for the long haul.

I have been having a lot of feelings of detachment and feeling disconnected from my body lately. I'm not sure of the cause exactly. Possibly I am just so stressed out and overwhelmed that I am subconsciously disconnecting myself from my feelings and all my stressors. I will definitely be bringing this up in therapy tomorrow.

I am so, so excited for the ED awareness walk this weekend. My two really good friends from Remuda are coming too! I haven't seen Michelle since May when she and Erin came here to visit. And I haven't seen Ashley since the day I left the Ranch to fly out to RLP in Arizona, back in March. I am so excited to see Ashley. We both had the same admit date and the same discharge date. We were roomies. The chairs we sat in during the day were right next to each other. We had the same Family Week. I felt such a bond with her. It will be so good to see her again!

Well my mind is just throwing out thoughts left and right and I just really can't handle it right now. My eyes are starting to fill with tears and I do not want to cry. It's 8pm and I could totally go to bed for the night right now. I'm probably going to stay up for a couple more hours though and watch TV.

I will update more hopefully this weekend.