really struggling emotionally

I don't really know how I'm getting through the days right now. Probably because I'm in therapy twice a week. And I'm sure my medications are having me holding on by a thread. And, the once in a while good or fun thing that happens. But that's it.

I'm really depressed. Nights are the hardest. I get this heavy/panic feeling in my chest. And I get scared. I'm not sure what I'm scared of. I just feel like I need to talk to someone. In the back of my head, I know things I can do to soothe or calm myself. But it's so hard to remember to do that. I am borderline suicidal. I say borderline because I don't have any plans to kill myself. But I am miserable. I feel like I'm in a deep, endless black hole. Like, I'm so, so unhappy.

I'm terrified because my therapist is going to be out of the office next week, and I won't see her for two weeks. And I won't be able to call her I don't think. She gave me the pager number of her partner in the office next to her. But I wouldn't really feel comfortable calling her unless it was an urgent crisis. I've never even met her.
I'm just really, really scared that I'm not going to be able to communicate with my therapist. More scared than I am willing admit to her. I saw her today, and I see her again on Wendesday.

We had a discussion on Friday about if I ever feel like the trauma symptoms are too much and if I'm feeling unsafe, that instead of going to a psychiatric hospital, she would want to send me to a treatment center that's for trauma related issues. That's a really scary thought. Sometimes I think I need to do that. But I don't want to leave my therapist. She is the only person I can talk to about EVERYTHING. She's the only one I trust.

 I just don't know how much longer I can hang in.