I'm so frustrated with myself these days. I beat myself up daily for not being able to handle things better than I think I should be. Every one tells me that the healing process and recovery process is such a journey and that it will get easier and hurt less. But I'm just exhausted with the process and really discouraged. I mean, I know I have made progress since I began seeing my new therapist over the summer. I made progress that I didn't even know that I needed to make. But it's so difficult and I'm so tired.
I think the trauma work has to be the hardest. There are times when I feel so much better after venting about it or writing about it. And then there are other times, like today, when I feel so incredibly stupid for being so upset over it and not being able to be stronger about it. I got so depressed after therapy this morning. I wanted to cry so much. I kept saying to myself, "I hate this, I hate this." I had one of those moments where I told myself that I didn't want to do this anymore, that I was done. I thought about the psychiatric hospital and as awful as a place that is, today it felt like it would be a safe place for me. To just take a break from work and family and drama. That's not reality though. I need to learn how to deal with what's going on in my life.
I know I am way too hard on myself. People have been telling me this for years. It's just confusing how some times I can be so forgiving of myself and what I'm going through, and other times I feel stupid, dumb, weak, annoying, and worthless. And I care SO much about what other people think about me and how I go through life. I want it to be the "right way", if there is such a thing. Ugh.
I am struggling a little bit with restricting. I feel like I'm in this almost constant state of anxiety or being overwhelmed, or not being able to focus on taking care of myself. And it's so easy to just forget to eat or skip a meal. I hate doing it. I'm mad that my eating disorder is making me feel stuck.
Depression is wrapping me up and consuming me as the days go by. Each day I feel a little less motivated. Simple tasks such as laundry, grocery shopping, going to the bank, taking out the trash, showering, and doing my make up are starting to become very hard tasks.
I'm so tired all the time. Really. All the time. I could fall asleep anytime, anywhere. It's 7:30pm here and I could seriously fall asleep in seconds.
I have to make it through this Winter. Somehow, it needs to be done.
Hey there, I just stumbled across your blog
ReplyDeleteI can identify so much
I am trying to recover from anorexia/bulimia
It's harder than I ever imagined
Sometimes it feels like one step forward and two steps back but the trick is to keep moving
Keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep going
All your hard work will pay off and it will be so worth it
I wish you all the best with your recovery x
I also identify with this—the trauma stuff sounds incredibly hard and you deserve major credit for getting yourself through that. You should NEVER feel stupid for being upset about that, or anything ED/life-related. It it completely valid to feel shitty about this stuff, you know? It's also okay to want a break from it all, whether that means going into the hospital or taking time off work or whatever. Not sure what is logistically or financially feasible for you so those may not be options, but hopefully you can find some other outlet and start feeling a little better soon.
ReplyDeleteAlthough I can't fully relate to the incredibly painful trauma work it sounds like you're doing, I definitely empathize with and am currently experiencing much of what you have written here. You are definitely not alone, Holly. And I think that the ability to be even a little forgiving and compassionate towards yourself shows a tremendous progress.
ReplyDeleteI so wish that for those of us who struggle so with the black and white thinking of "I should know exactly what 'path' I'm supposed to be on and if I don't the one I'm on now must be wrong" could have bright, illuminated signs saying "keep going" or "wrong way" every so often, but since that isn't the case, know that you are doing the best you can and that is OK.
-elisa